Lost in His Eyes

by Andrew Neiderman

  She looked at Ronnie and then at me and then looked at the monitor.

  ‘It might be a good idea for us to let her take a little rest right now, Mr Howard. Her blood pressure is up. We don’t want to have to give her any more medication. The doctor would be upset if I didn’t see to it that she takes a bit of a rest. Just a simple thing like moving her from ICU to here could make her tired in her condition.’

  ‘Sure,’ Ronnie said, standing. ‘I gotta get back to work anyway. I’ll come by with a sandwich or something for myself and have dinner with you.’

  ‘We serve dinner early here,’ the nurse said. ‘About five o’clock.’

  ‘No problem. I’ll be here,’ he told her. He approached me and gave me a soft, brotherly kiss on the cheek and then headed out.

  ‘Sorry,’ the nurse said.

  ‘No problem. You’re right. I am tired. I’ll take a rest after my toast, but if a gentleman stops in to see me later, please let him.’

  She nodded. ‘Let’s take it a step at a time,’ she said.

  I leaned back. I had no worries about her turning him away. Lancaster could get past the Secret Service if he wanted to see me. Even after I had my toast and jam, I tried desperately to stay awake just in case he did come. He wouldn’t wake me, and I might not be able to see him until much later tonight or tomorrow. I was desperate to talk to him now. Nevertheless, the nurse had been right. I was very tired and I did fall asleep. I slept until nearly five, and when I opened my eyes, Kelly and Ronnie were sitting there.

  ‘Hey, Mom,’ Kelly said. She rose quickly to kiss me. Ronnie held up a paper bag.

  ‘Turkey on rye,’ he said. ‘As soon as they bring in your tray, I’ll take it out.’

  ‘How do you feel?’ Kelly asked.

  ‘Like I could soak in a bathtub for days and still not feel any cleaner,’ I replied.

  ‘Nothing’s changed. No one takes as many baths as your mother,’ Ronnie told her.

  She nodded.

  ‘All my friends heard about your accident,’ she said. ‘It was in the paper, too, you know. Everyone wishes you get well quickly.’

  ‘Pass on my thanks,’ I said.

  ‘Don’t worry about the house or anything,’ she continued. ‘We’re not messing up the kitchen. Dad’s called Marta anyway.’

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘No matter what, you couldn’t do any housework for quite a while,’ he said. ‘She’ll be in tomorrow.’

  ‘Almost as easy as replacing a flat tire,’ I muttered.

  ‘What?’ Kelly asked.

  ‘Nothing.’

  They brought my dinner. Ironically, it was a slice of turkey, mashed potatoes and vegetables, with a small piece of chocolate cake. They gave me some ginger ale and a cup of coffee that was sure to be cold by the time I had gotten to it.

  ‘Looks all right,’ Ronnie said, smiling, ‘but this is better.’

  He put my sandwich on the tray. They both sat back to watch me eat.

  ‘What are you two going to do for dinner?’

  ‘Pizza,’ Kelly said. ‘At Dante’s.’

  ‘How could I guess that?’ I said. ‘You’d be half your weight if it wasn’t for the invention of pizza.’

  ‘Your memory isn’t so bad,’ Kelly quipped and looked at Ronnie as if she had spoken out of turn. I had the feeling he had told her something, but not everything. He was just staring at me now. I don’t think I was paranoid, seeing accusations in those eyes. I had the sense that he didn’t accept that I had forgotten anything.

  Kelly did most of the talking during the remainder of the time they visited me. It was easy to see that she was very nervous and uncomfortable about being in a hospital and seeing me banged up and bandaged. Her face registered gratitude when I insisted they go have their dinner so that Kelly could get to her homework. And her text messages, I added.

  She laughed, agreed, hugged me and then moved quickly to the door. Ronnie lingered.

  ‘Maybe I’ll stop by later,’ he suggested. ‘To say goodnight.’

  ‘I’m OK.’

  ‘Maybe I’m not,’ he replied. He kissed me and joined Kelly.

  I lay back, hating myself for still being so tired. The nurse’s aide came in for my tray and muttered something or other about the remnants of my turkey sandwich. I think she was jealous. My nurse stopped in to give me some medication, check my pressure and temperature, and then asked me if I wanted the television on. She pointed out the remote, but I said I was fine.

  Afterward, I lay there battling sleep again and keeping my eyes on my door. I know I drifted off for a while, but when I opened them this time, Lancaster was standing beside my bed. He had taken my hand into his and put his right hand over it.

  He pulled the chair closer to the bed and held on to my hand.

  ‘I figured something had happened to you,’ he began. ‘I waited for nearly an hour at the motel that day, calling you every fifteen or so minutes. Finally, I drove toward your house and saw your car being loaded on to a truck. I rushed over to the hospital. The emergency room was quite busy – chaotic, in fact – but I was able to find out about you.’

  ‘You were in the ICU, weren’t you?’

  ‘A few times, but you were either asleep or otherwise occupied. And when I did find you somewhat awake and began talking to you, you drifted off.’

  ‘I knew you were at my bedside.’

  ‘It’s not exactly high-security, even though they make it out to be. If you look like you know what you’re doing, most people don’t question you. You look as if something more than this,’ he said, pointing to the monitor, ‘is bothering you.’

  ‘I have the strong feeling that Ronnie has found out about us,’ I said. He nodded. ‘In fact, I think he’s been checking on me for some time.’

  ‘Bound to have happened sooner or later.’

  ‘I’m going to tell him the truth. You would have given me that advice anyway, wouldn’t you?’

  ‘At this stage, yes,’ he said.

  ‘I think he’s coming back here tonight. I’ll tell him if he does.’

  ‘OK, if you feel up to it.’

  ‘I do.’

  ‘I’ll check with you in the morning, and if you did tell him, I’ll stop by less surreptitiously. What do they say – “The cat’s out of the bag”?’

  ‘Some cat.’

  ‘What about your daughter?’

  ‘She’ll have more to text her friends. Many of them have divorced parents, too. It’s like an epidemic.’

  He smiled.

  ‘Don’t underestimate the effect it will have on her, despite how aloof she seems.’

  ‘She’ll be all right,’ I insisted. I didn’t like disagreeing with him, even slightly, and I was determined not to feel bad, even though that made me seem and sound selfish. Disagreeing with him made me feel as if I was wrestling with myself too much, and the tension that resulted from that brought more agony than this stupid accident.

  He must have seen that in my face.

  ‘All right. Concentrate more on getting better. When you’re on your feet again, we’ll talk about the future.’

  ‘The immediate future, you mean. You don’t talk about the future.’

  ‘That’s all the future there is really – immediate. But, as the Chinese say, a trip of a thousand miles begins with one step.’

  ‘My worldly prophet.’

  ‘My audience,’ he said. He leaned in and kissed me the way a woman should be kissed, injured or not, and then he left gracefully, smiling in the doorway in such a way as to leave the image on my eyes for minutes afterward. Contented, I closed them and drifted off.

  When you’ve been injured as I was, your sleep is short but deep. Every time you wake up, you think it’s another day, but in actuality only ten or fifteen minutes might have gone by. I know the nurse had been in and out. The lights were dimmed in the hallway and then, just before ten, Ronnie returned as he had promised he would. I was more awake than I had expected to be. I had even turned on the
television but kept the sound so low that it was more like silent movies.

  I can do this, I thought. I’m glad he came.

  ‘Hey,’ he said. He gave me the obligatory husband kiss and pulled up the chair Lancaster had sat in. ‘Everything’s good with Kelly. I made sure she had a salad. She ate one of those everything pizzas. Never saw her so hungry. I think she skipped lunch or something. Teenagers. How are you doing?’

  ‘Better,’ I said.

  ‘Good. I have an important meeting first thing in the morning tomorrow, so I won’t be here until lunch. Your dad and my parents are coming to see you in the morning anyway, and I’m talking to your doctors all the time. As far as you’re forgetting things … there’s this doctor who I think can help.’

  ‘I don’t have memory issues, Ronnie,’ I said quickly. ‘I can remember everything I need to remember.’

  ‘Oh. Even the day of the accident?’

  ‘Yes. I’m sorry it has happened this way. It was my fault. I was speeding and not thinking about the rain or traffic lights enough.’

  He sat back, his arms folded across his chest, looking like the dean or principal of some high school – at least the dean of the school I had attended, who took that posture whenever a student was trying to explain or defend his or her having done something against the rules.

  ‘Why?’ he asked.

  ‘I was eager to see someone, someone I’ve been seeing for some time.’

  ‘Seeing?’

  ‘Romantically,’ I said. He almost didn’t blink; he didn’t change expression.

  ‘Tell me about it.’

  ‘It just happened one night. We met in the supermarket and …’

  ‘Fell in love at first sight?’

  ‘Something like that. We began to see each other regularly.’

  ‘Where?’

  ‘We met at a motel. The Sky Top. It’s off the freeway going south-east toward Los Angeles.’

  ‘Yes, I know it. And this whole thing about having to be alone, needing time to meditate, think – that was all really to see this guy?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Even when you went up to Idyllwild and stayed at the cabin. You stayed there with him?’

  ‘Yes,’ I said.

  He looked away and then turned back to me, his expression unchanged.

  ‘Who is he? What’s he like? Is he from here?’

  ‘No, he’s not from here. He was just passing through.’

  ‘What’s his name?’

  ‘What difference does it make? I’m not going to introduce you to him.’

  ‘Yeah, I guess not. So how did you two stay in touch, make your dates?’

  ‘He called me on my cell phone. When we met, we planned other dates, times. What difference does that make?’

  ‘Did this happen because of something I did or said?’

  ‘No, nothing specific. If I had to give an answer, it’s everything.’

  ‘Everything?’

  ‘Everything about my life, Ronnie. Being with him makes me feel better about myself. I’m sorry. That’s how it is.’

  He nodded.

  ‘You never told Kelly about any of this, did you?’

  ‘Of course not.’

  ‘And what do you plan to do now?’

  ‘When I’m able to, I’m going away with him.’

  ‘Anywhere in particular?’

  ‘Why? Are you going to follow us?’

  He shook his head. ‘No, I just wanted to see how far along your plans were. So you were going to do this before the accident?’

  ‘I was on my way to tell him, yes.’

  ‘He must be quite a guy. I know how particular you are when it comes to people, especially men. Is he a doctor, a lawyer, what?’

  ‘None of that matters, Ronnie. I’m not a gold-digger.’

  ‘And you want me to just do what … accept it?’

  ‘It would be best for both of us, for all of us, if we just act civilized about it.’

  He thought a moment and, with a surprising lack of anger or outrage, nodded. Lancaster is right about him, I thought. He’ll just change the channel.

  ‘OK. I’ll agree to all that if you’ll agree to one thing,’ he said.

  ‘Which is?’

  ‘Like I said, there’s a doctor I want you to talk to tomorrow. He’ll be here in the afternoon, just after you have your lunch.’

  ‘What doctor?’

  ‘His name is Pearson, Elliot Pearson. He comes highly recommended. He’s been practicing for over thirty years. It took pulling some strings to get him on such short notice.’

  I pushed myself up farther in the bed.

  ‘What kind of a doctor is he? I have a neurologist. The doctors here are very good. I’m doing well. I don’t have any serious injury, anything life-threatening. Are you telling me something else is going on? What? They found evidence of cancer somewhere? What?’

  He put up his hands. ‘Nothing like that,’ he said. ‘You’re going to be just fine … physically.’

  ‘Physically. He’s a psychiatrist – is that it? Well?’

  ‘Yes, he is.’

  ‘I have no reason to see a psychiatrist, Ronnie. I just explained my accident to you. I was not attempting some vehicular suicide or anything.’

  ‘Then there’s nothing to worry about,’ he said. ‘He’ll see you, talk to you a while and leave. And that will be that. You’ll be on your way to do whatever it is you want to do. That’s the deal.’

  He sat back. He’s conniving, I thought. This is blackmail and vengeance all wrapped together. Ronnie has too big an ego to just accept this. How convenient this reason for our separation would be. I didn’t walk out on him. Oh no. I’m suffering a psychological illness. He’ll be the one to get all the sympathy. He could even be unfaithful and everyone would understand.

  ‘How much are you paying this psychiatrist, Ronnie?’

  ‘It’s all under our insurance policy. You know we have a gold-plated policy. I’d be some idiot to be in the insurance business and not have that for us.’

  ‘I meant under the table. What do you plan on doing now? Have me committed?’

  ‘You’ll see that he’s one of the most respected psychiatrists in this state. There’s no way to corrupt such a man. What would I gain from that anyway?’

  I smiled and nodded. ‘You knew about my affair for some time, didn’t you, Ronnie? That’s why you knew about my not seeing Flora Anthony. You’ve been tracking me and my actions.’

  ‘Let’s not get into accusing each other of things right now, Clea. If you want me to accept what you want, then do the one thing I want for you.’

  ‘It won’t work, Ronnie. It won’t stop me.’

  ‘Then no harm’s been done to your plans and wishes.’ He looked at his watch. ‘It’s getting late. They’ll come by to throw me out of here any minute, probably.’

  ‘Maybe they didn’t see you come in.’

  ‘You might be right. I could kidnap you,’ he joked. I thought that was a weird thing to say. Maybe not so weird. Maybe that was his intention, to have me kidnapped and taken to some psychiatric clinic.

  He paused by my bed and looked at me.

  ‘I’m not perfect by any means,’ he said. ‘Sometimes, I annoy myself. I’m the first to admit I’ve been oblivious to things I shouldn’t have been oblivious to, and I’m probably as selfish and – what’s your favorite word? – vapid. Vapid about a lot of things I shouldn’t be. I get caught up in stuff, act stupid, immature, all of the man-boy stuff, but I’ve always had one goal since we got married and that was to make you happy, and after Kelly came, to keep us all safe. I don’t think I’ve done badly at keeping us safe, but I’ve obviously done badly at keeping you happy. I’m sorry for that, and I’m not going to stand here and make all sorts of promises, take all sorts of oaths to be different. I am what I am. Sometime ago, you saw enough of what you liked in me to want to spend the rest of your life with me. I certainly saw everything I wanted in you.

&n
bsp; ‘So maybe we lost it and it’s gone, and if that’s true and it can’t be restored, retrieved, whatever, then I’ve got to learn to live with it. We all do, I guess. It doesn’t matter if I say I’m sorry now, even though I am.

  ‘What I want you to know as I leave tonight is that I’m going to sleep thinking about you, Clea. I’m going to reach for you in the bed and I’m going to feel my heart turn to stone when I realize you’re not there.

  ‘Goodnight,’ he said. This time he kissed me on the lips, pulled back with his eyes closed, turned and walked out.

  I wanted to cry, but I didn’t. I swallowed back the urge and lay back and watched the doorway, waiting for Lancaster.

  But he didn’t come.

  FIFTEEN

  I fell asleep and slept through the night. I was very hungry in the morning and ate a full breakfast. Devoured it was more like it. My doctors arrived soon after. Neither stayed long. Both were very happy with my progress and even ventured a guesstimate about when I would leave. It was possible I would be discharged in two or three days.

  I started thinking about my last conversation with Ronnie, and before my father and Ronnie’s parents arrived, I called Carlton Saunders. Jackie told me he was on the phone with a client, but I guess as soon as he learned I was calling him, he got off because he picked up while she was still talking to me, telling me how shocked and upset she was when she learned about my accident.

  ‘I’ve got it, Jackie, thanks,’ he said. ‘Clea, how are you? Thank God you’re all right. I heard it was a horrendous accident.’

  ‘They’re putting my picture next to the word “lucky” in the dictionary,’ I said, and he laughed. ‘I have a question to ask in confidence.’

  ‘Oh? Sure. Shoot.’

  ‘Under what circumstances could a husband have a wife committed, or even vice versa for that matter?’

  ‘Committed? To a psychiatric ward or hospital?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Either would have to appeal to a judge first to establish the wife or husband was in danger of harming herself or himself and/or others, and then the individual would be what we call involuntarily committed and evaluated by a psychiatrist. There are many famous cases. Don’t forget Fanny Farmer’s mother had her committed. I just saw that film on the old movie channel. Any particular reason you’re asking?’