“What are you talking about? You and I had been broken up almost two years by the time I met Stephan.”
“Yeah, but we were still having sex. So we weren’t really broken up.”
“Is that how you define a relationship? Just because you’re still having sex with someone, you’re in a meaningful relationship?” Even after all these years, I still didn’t understand the way his mind worked.
“With you, yeah. ‘Cause I knew as long as you were sleeping with me, there was no one else. That gave me… hope.” The way he said the word, with so much bitterness and resentment, let me know how angry he was at me for allowing him to believe we still had a future.
“You knew what I wanted,” I said, trying to make him see reason. “I knew you were never going to give it to me. What did you expect me to do? Go on lying to myself? Go on pretending that you would wake up one day and realize you suddenly wanted me to be your wife, the mother of your children?”
“You don’t know that wouldn’t have happened. You didn’t even give it a chance to happen.”
I gaped at him, trying to understand how he could believe this garbage he was spewing. “I didn’t give it a chance? I loved you through high school. I loved you through college. I loved you for the five years you toured, trying to make a name for yourself on the circuit. At first you told me that you were just going to do it for a few years. You wanted to save up enough money for a down payment on a house for us.”
“I know what I said.”
I didn’t care if he didn’t want to be reminded of all the promises he’d made to me. I needed to get this off my chest. “Then you said if you did it for just a little longer, we may not have to have a mortgage at all. Then you said we could save up to buy new cars. Then it was a boat. The list went on and on. The more money you made, the more money you wanted to make. I finally realized you had no intention of quitting. Gambling was your life now. You’d somehow replaced me with poker, and I didn’t even realize what was happening until it was too late to get you back.”
“Don’t say that,” he said, slamming his empty glass down on the table beside him. “I still wanted you. But I wanted to play poker too. Why is that so terrible? It’s not like I was out there screwing around on you!”
“How do I know that?”
The color drained from his face as his jaw dropped. “You really think I could have cheated on you? Girl, you were my world. You really think I would have jeopardized what we had for some cheap one-night stand?”
“I don’t know what to think. All I know is that with every month that passed, we were drifting further and further apart until it started to feel like there was no way back for us. You showed up on my doorstep one day, and I took one look at you and realized I didn’t even know you anymore. You were barely recognizable.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
I gestured to his attire, which tonight consisted of gray custom dress pants, a lavender shirt with contrasting trim, and Gucci shoes. “The guy I knew used to watch ball games in jeans and a T-shirt,” I said, gesturing to the baseball highlights on the screen. “Not wearing Gucci.”
“So this is about my clothes?” he asked, fisting his shirt in his hands. “What? There’s something wrong with wanting the finer things in life? With not wanting to end up like your deadbeat dad?”
His voice was quavering, and I knew I’d hit a nerve. “Is that what this is about? Your fad?”
“No!” He stood, reaching for his empty glass.
“Where are you going?”
“To get another drink.”
“We’re not finished talking!”
“Yeah, we are. Believe me, we’re finished.”
And watching him leave, I realized he was right. We were finished.
Chapter Seven
Brody
After my argument with Riley, I just wanted to be alone, but I wasn’t ready to go up to my room, so I headed back to the games room, hoping no one else had the same idea.
“Hey, Uncle Brody,” Cole said, looking up at me from the chair I’d been sitting in when Riley chewed me out. “Dad said he thought you were headed this way. You want to shoot some pool?”
As much as I loved my nephew, I couldn’t even stand my own company right now, let alone his. “Not right now, kid.”
I sank down in a chair, bringing the glass to my lips. I paused when I realized Cole was watching me. Ryker’s words came back to me. This kid has always looked up to me. As far as he was concerned, I could do no wrong. And here I was screwing up my life while he watched me do it.
I set the drink down, untouched.
“Can I ask you a question?” Cole asked, turning to face me.
“Sure, kid. Anything.” He’d often talked to me about cars and girls, his friends, and making a certain sports team. Sometimes even his grades or the temptation to drink or do drugs because his friends were. I assumed this would be another one of those conversations.
“What can you tell me about my grandfather?”
I stared at him, my mind racing as I thought about how to answer his innocent question. “You should ask your dad about him, Cole.”
“I tried, but he won’t tell me anything.”
If Ryker wanted to play it that way, who was I to argue? I didn’t blame him for being ashamed of the old man. I was too.
“He told me about my grandmother. He showed me pictures and letters and stuff. But nothing about my grandfather. Was he really that bad?”
That was a loaded question if ever I’d heard one. “He won’t be winning any Father of the Year Awards, let’s put it that way.”
“What did he do, you know, for a living?”
When he was working, which wasn’t often… no, I couldn’t say that. “He, uh, worked construction most of the time.”
“So he liked to build things?” Cole asked. “That’s cool.”
He liked tearing things down more than building them up. Especially his wife and sons. “Yeah, I guess you could say that.”
“What else did he like to do?”
Drink. My eyes drifted to my glass. Gamble. My gut clenched when I thought of the similarities between myself and the man I hated more than anyone else. Destroy the people who loved him. “I don’t know, Cole. To tell you the truth, I don’t remember that much about him.” I’d blocked out the worst memories. Self-preservation, I supposed.
“You must remember some things,” Cole argued. “You were just a little younger than me when he left you guys, right? I know I’d remember everything about Dad, even if I never saw him again.”
The only way Ryker would let that happen was if he landed six feet under. Nothing else would prevent him from being a part of his kids’ lives. “You’ve got a dad worth remembering. Consider yourself lucky.”
“Do you ever think about him?” Cole asked, looking uneasy. “You ever wonder where he is or what happened to him?”
He’d probably managed to land in jail or get knocked off because of some gambling debt. “No, I try not to think about him.” Try being the operative word. Sometimes he haunted me and I couldn’t block out that nasty voice no matter how hard I tried.
Cole was silent for a minute before he said, “Dad’s worried about you.”
“What’re you talking about?”
“I heard him talking to Mom about it. He thinks you’re headed down a dangerous path. Said he was worried you’d end up like your old man.”
I sucked in a sharp, painful breath. “He doesn’t have to worry. That’ll never happen.”
“I hope not,” Cole said, sounding miserable. “’Cause Dad shut him out of his life. I wouldn’t want that to happen to you. I mean, I like hanging out with you. I can’t imagine you not being around, Uncle Brody.”
I felt like the lowest form of life, making my nephew worry about whether he could count on me. There were few things I was proud of, but I was proud of my family, and I couldn’t stand the thought of losing them.
I stood, opening m
y arms to Cole. After a quick hug, I gripped the side of his head. “Thanks for talking to me about this stuff, man. I know it couldn’t have been easy for you. And I’ll make things right with your dad. Don’t worry, okay?”
“Okay,” he said, shaking his head with a smile. “If you say so, I believe you.”
And because he believed me, I had no choice. I had to make things right.
***
I found Ryker in the lobby, enjoying a glass of wine by the fire, with his wife.
“Hey, guys,” I said, approaching them. “I’m sorry to interrupt. I was just wondering if I could have a word with Ryker, Mac?”
“Of course.” She stood, reaching for her wine glass. To Ryker, she said, “I’ll meet you upstairs, hon.”
He reached for her hand before she could get away, bringing it to his lips as he winked at her. I could only imagine what they’d been talking about, what they had planned for later. The intimate gesture only intensified my pain because it reminded me of everything I’d had and lost with Riley.
“So?” Ryker asked, watching Mac walk away. “What’s on your mind?”
“I just had a talk with Cole,” I said, claiming the chair beside him. “He said some things that bothered me, and I had to talk to you about them.”
“Go ahead,” Ryker said, taking a sip of his wine. “I’m listening.”
“You really think I’m gonna end up like the old man? That you’re gonna have to cut me out of your life ‘cause you can’t stand to be around me anymore?”
Just the thought of losing my family pained me. They were the only people who still cared about me. Sure, I had friends on the circuit and a few casual friendships I’d maintained through high school and college, but if I fell off the face of the earth tomorrow, I couldn’t say for sure those guys would even notice I was gone.
“I never said that,” Ryker said, looking me in the eye. “I don’t know where Cole would get an idea like that, but—”
“He heard you talking to Mac about me.” I wouldn’t throw my nephew under the bus for anything, but I was sure he knew when he’d told me about this that his part in it would eventually come out. “He said you sounded concerned.”
“I am concerned, you know that,” Ryker said, staring into the dancing flames. “Sometimes I look at you and I don’t even recognize you anymore, bro. And I’m not gonna lie, that scares the hell out of me. Seeing you here, with Riley, just reinforces the fact that you’re not the same person you used to be. The guy I knew would never treat the woman he loved the way you’ve treated her.”
Since Ryker was one of the few people I’d ever tried to impress, I hated it when he looked at me like I’d disappointed him. “What are you talking about? You haven’t been privy to any of the conversations I’ve had with Ri since we’ve been here, and I sure as hell haven’t had it out with her in public. I promised Nex I wouldn’t do anything to ruin this for him, and Jaci and I intend to honor that promise.”
“I saw her leaving the games room after her talk with you,” he explained. “She was pretty upset.”
“She was?”
“She was crying, Brody.” He glared at me, making me feel like I used to when I had to bring home a bad report card. “Why’d you make her cry?”
“Shit,” I whispered, sliding my hand over my mouth. “I didn’t mean to. She just brings out the worst in me.”
“I remember when she used to bring out the best in you. She made you want to be a better man.”
“Yeah, I remember that too.” I sighed. “But that was a long time ago, Ryk. A lot of shit’s gone down since then, ya know?”
“What I know is that I lost the woman I love not so long ago, and instead of driving her further away with my anger and hostility, I bent over backward to fix what was broken in our relationship.”
“You can’t compare your situation with Mac to mine with Riley. You two were married. You had kids. You had every reason to stick it out.”
“I think you have an even better reason than I had for trying to make it work with Riley.” He lowered his head, his lips pressed tightly together.
“Oh yeah, what’s that?”
“The man you were with her and the man you are without her…” He shook his head. “It’s not good, kid. You’re self-destructing without her. I don’t know if it’s because you’re mad at yourself for screwing this up or because you’re mad at her because you blame her for not loving you enough to take whatever scraps you’re willing to offer—”
“Don’t judge me,” I warned, feeling every muscle in my body tighten. “You don’t know how I feel.”
“Then tell me.” He spread his hands. “That’s why I’m here. To try to help. To listen.”
I knew I should be grateful I still had people who cared, but it wasn’t easy when I felt like I continued to disappoint them. “What if I end up just like him?” Voicing my biggest fear made me more vulnerable than I had ever been, but since it was eating me up inside, I knew I had no choice.
“Who?” Ryker asked, frowning. As understanding dawned, he nodded. “The old man.”
“What if I did marry Riley only to realize I’m no better at marriage than he was?” It was difficult to draw air into my lungs in the face of that question. When I thought about the hell he’d put our sweet mother through, I couldn’t stand to think I had it in me to do the same to Riley.
“You would never do the things he did, man.”
“You sound so sure, but I’m not.” I leaned forward, gripping his arm. “I look in the mirror and see his face staring back at me sometimes, Ryker. After a bender, I’ll wake up, stumble into the bathroom, and see his face. It disgusts me, but I can’t escape it. He’s a part of me. More so than any of the rest of you, I think.”
“What do you mean?”
“You guys can have a social drink and leave it at that. There have been too many times when I’ve taken it too far. I woke up not remembering where I was or how I got there.” It shamed me to admit it, but I knew this was the time for full disclosure.
“If that’s the case, maybe you need help?”
I suspected he might be right, but drinking wasn’t my only problem. “I have his mean streak, you know. I have this burning desire to hurt people, to be vindictive and cruel. I’m not proud of it. In fact, I hate that about myself, but it is what it is.” I shrugged before leaning back in my chair. “Sometimes I wonder if I got that from him. That was the son of a bitch’s gift to me.”
Ryker grabbed my shoulder. “I think you’re being too hard on yourself. You’re nothing like him.”
“What about the gambling? How do you explain that?” I rubbed my face with my hands. “I can’t stop. You know I can’t. Even though it’s costing me the only woman I’ve ever loved, I can’t stop.”
Ryker closed his eyes as though he needed to collect himself.
“He couldn’t stop either. He couldn’t stop the drinking or the gambling or the carousing. He said he loved Mom, that he loved us, but he couldn’t stop hurting us. I’m doing the same thing to Riley. You saw that for yourself tonight.” I jerked a thumb toward the elevator. “When we’re together, I can’t stop hurting her.”
“So you’ve decided to let her go to be with this doctor?”
“What choice do I have?”
“People can change. I did. You can too.” He stood, gripping my shoulder as he walked past. “You just have to decide how much you want it, whether it’s worth it.”
As I watched my brother step on the elevator, I wondered if it was possible. Could I change?
Chapter Eight
Jaci
I was literally counting the hours until our wedding when Nex walked into our hotel room after shooting some pool with his brothers.
“Hey, sexy,” he whispered, reaching for me as soon as he got close enough.
I loved that even after all this time, we still couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I hoped it would always be that way.
“Did you and Riley get every
thing squared away with the florist and—” I cut off his question with a passionate kiss, making him chuckle when I finally let him come up for air. “Hey, if you’d rather not talk, I’m game for anything.”
I undid the buttons running down the length of his shirt. No, I didn’t want to talk. I had other plans for him. “Any reservations about becoming a married man tomorrow?”
He raised an eyebrow when I slid the silk straps of my negligee over my shoulders, letting it fall to the ground. “Are you kidding? I can’t wait to make you my wife.”
When he looked at me like that, like he thought I was the best thing that had ever happened to him, I was reminded how lucky I was to have him. Not only did we love each other, we liked each other. We respected each other. We were compatible and shared the same dreams for our future. Not like Riley and Brody. Just thinking about them made me sad.
“Hey,” Nex said, drawing a line under my chin with his fingertip. “What’s that look about?”
“Nothing.” I wrapped my arms around him, determined not to let anything or anyone’s problems bring me down today. “We only have a couple of hours before you have to check into your own suite.”
He groaned, dropping his head. “I can’t believe you’re not going to let me spend the night with you.”
I pushed his shirt off his shoulders, thinking about the fight he’d put up when I told him we had to spend the night before our wedding apart. “It’s tradition. Besides, I don’t want to risk any bad luck, do you?”
His gaze roamed my body, ratcheting up the heat in the room a few degrees at least. “We make our own luck, baby. I’m not worried. We belong together, and nothing is ever going to come between us.”
I was sure Riley and Brody had thought that too, but look at them now. I refused to believe that could happen to us, but I hid my face in the crock of Nex’s neck to hide my trepidation, just the same.
His hands were skimming my body, making me shiver, when he asked, “Are you gonna tell me what’s put you in this mood?”
“I just love you so much. I can’t stand the thought of losing you.”
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