The Accidental Witch

by Jessica Penot

  “Good morning,” I said brightly and I felt it that morning. I felt the brightness.

  “Good morning,” Elisa said.

  “Welcome to morning group,” I said. “For those of you who may not know, during morning group, we introduce ourselves and tell a little about ourselves and then we set daily goals. Okay? Who’s brave enough to start?”

  “I’ll start,” Harry said. “My name is Harry and I’m here because I tried to kill myself. This isn’t the first time I’ve tried to kill myself. I’ve tried before. I’ve suffered from bipolar disorder since I was sixteen and most days I just feel like I can’t take it anymore. But honestly, yesterday, it was like something had lifted from my chest. I can think clearly. The racing thoughts are gone and that feeling like you are at the bottom of a well and can never get out, it just went away. I feel better today. Really better, not like that drugged up numbness you get when the meds are working. I looked out the window and saw the sun shining in the window and I was really happy.”

  “I’m so glad to hear it,” I said with a smile. “Do you have any goals today?”

  “Yeah,” Harry said. “I wanna go home and call my wife. I wanna try to fix all the shit I broke while I was sleeping and crying my life away. I wanna start again.”

  “Okay,” I said. “What about just today? What is your little goal just for today?”

  “I’d like to go home,” he said. This was a miracle because we usually had to drag Harry kicking and screaming from the floor. He never wanted to go home.

  “Wonderful,” I said.

  “Elisa, How about you?” I asked.

  “I think this place is a miracle,” Elisa said and she began to weep. “I haven’t been able to sleep through the night without waking up screaming for as long as I can remember. I tried to kill myself two days ago. I couldn’t think of a reason to live or a place where I could go and not be afraid all the time. I’ve always been afraid and then you came and talked to me, Phaedra, and everything got better. The nightmares are gone and I’m not afraid. You know what? Fuck them all. I’m not afraid of my dad. Fuck him. My goal for today is just to talk to you, Phaedra.”

  “We’ll talk after group,” I said.

  Elisa began to cry again. “You are so wonderful! I never thought that anyone could help me. I never dared to believe …”

  “It’s okay to believe,” I said.

  “Oh,” Elisa said, “just give me a minute to put my thoughts together. I’m so overwhelmed. Let someone else take their turn.”

  “Ellie,” I said, “it’s your turn.”

  “I can’t,” Ellie whispered. Tears dripped down her wrinkled cheeks and puddled in her chin. “I have no goals. I just want this to end.”

  “Ellie,” I said. “Last time you were here, you made plans. You were going to move in with your daughter.”

  She shook her head. “I don’t want to talk.”

  “Okay,” I said. “But I’m going to talk to you after group.”

  She nodded and wiped her nose on the back of her hand.

  “Candy,” I said. “How are you doing?”

  “How do you think? I’m homeless, in a wheelchair, and that nurse out there is a bitch,” she said.

  “What brought you in here?” I asked.

  Candy snorted. “I wanted to die,” she said. “I ain’t got nothin’ worth livin’ for. I ain’t got no kin aboveground and nobody gives a shit if I live or die. They kicked me out of the mission and when I leave here, I’ll be sleeping in the park.”

  “Well,” I said. “Let’s make sure that doesn’t happen. Can I suggest a goal for today?”

  “I ain’t gonna stop you from doin’ anything,” she said.

  “Why don’t we make your goal today to find a place to stay after you leave here?” I said.

  “That ain’t gonna happen. There ain’t no place around here that’s gonna take an old lesbian in a wheelchair. All these Christian shelters and shit. They won’t have me,” she said.

  “It doesn’t hurt to try, does it?”

  “No,” she said. “You go ahead and try, but I know exactly where I’m goin’ when I leave here.”

  “Where’s that?” I asked.

  “Straight up to God with all my kin.”

  I nodded. “I’m going to prove you wrong,” I said.

  Candy snorted.

  “George,” I said, “I believe you’re next.”

  “Hi,” he said. “I’m George and I’m here because I thought I was going to die. I thought I was having a heart attack, but they told me it was a panic attack. I get real nervous when I have to go out and my doctor, Dr. Freeman, he said that I needed new medicine. I was taking Lexapro for three years, but then they switched me and since then I’ve been getting worse and worse and then I really thought I was gonna die yesterday, so Dr. Freeman just said I needed to come in here to get everything straightened out.” George managed to say all of that in a single breath.

  “Good,” I said. “I’m glad you’re here and I hope we can get the panic under control for you.”

  “I been living like this all my life. I can’t leave the house anymore and Ma, she brings me all my groceries and sometimes I talk to folk online, so I’m not quite so lonely, but it gets real lonely out there sometimes even with the computer. But I guess I’m lucky in some ways because they at least let me work from home, so I ain’t on disability or nothing and Mama takes good care of me and I pay the rent.”

  “Wonderful,” I said. “Do you have a goal for today?”

  “Yeah. I just wanna get this anxiety under control.”

  “We’ll work on some relaxation methods this afternoon, okay?”

  “Sounds good,” he said.

  “Stephen,” I said. “You’re up.”

  “It’s like I told you earlier. I’ve been in and out of hospitals all my life and these voices never go away. But today, they’re gone. It’s all gone and I think my only goal for today is to talk to the doctor and go home.”

  “Okay,” I said with a smile.

  Group ended and everyone shuffled off. I left the floor and went back to my office. I closed the door behind me and took a deep breath. Holy shit on a cracker. I was batting four-for-four. It could still all be a coincidence. I knew it could be, but the probability was slim. I took another breath. It was magic. It had to be magic. It had worked. The spells had worked. Holy farting monkeys, the magic worked. I began to laugh. I slid down the door and fell to the floor laughing. I could fix them all. I could make them all better. There would be no more suicides and there would be no more lost causes. No ECT and no giving up because of lack of resources. They’d all get better. I could save them all. I could save them all.

  I took a deep breath and my smile faded a little, but I felt something smoldering inside me. Magic was real and it was mine. Things were going to get better. Everything would be different. I spent the rest of my day seeing patients and trying to find any place that would take Candy. My conclusion at the end of the day was that there weren’t any halfway houses, or group homes in all of North Alabama that would take a bilateral amputee. She was too medically complicated. She was a lost cause, but that was about to change.

  * * *

  Wicks and Things is one of those little hole-in-the-wall stores that most people completely ignore. It is tucked away in some terrible strip mall beside an out of business movie store and a Christian bookstore called Jesus and Me. Wicks and Things was also the only store in all of Dismal that sold more than five colors of candles. It was filled with cute gnomes and doll-eyed statues of too-cute children that always made me feel a little afraid, but despite my fear of doll-eyed children, I went to Wicks and Things right after work and bought out almost every candle they had. I also bought several cloth dolls, some tumbled gemstones, some lovely colored glass bottles and some tea.

  I drove straight home after that and waved to Lawson and his crew as I sprinted out towards my altar. I was giddy with the feeling of power that washed over me. I had sp
ent my entire life feeling powerless. The magic changed all that.

  I went into my cabin and began building another candle garden. I lit candles for Stephen, Harry, and Elisa again just to be sure, but the main candles were for George, Candy, and Ellie.

  I lit a candle for George. I said, “May George know only peace. May his fear be washed away like mud in rain.”

  I lit the candle for Ellie and I said, “May Ellie find happiness. May her sorrow leave her and may she find joy in all the little things in life.”

  I lit the candle for Candy and I said, “May Candy find a place that will embrace her for who she is. May she find safety and love and happiness.”

  I raised my hands when I was done and said, “The magic is spent and sent.”

  Again, the candles sparked and the flames leapt. They danced and rose larger than they should have. The wax around the candles caught on fire and the sparks flew up into the air and drifted out the window. There was a sudden silence. The birds stopped singing and the wind stopped blowing. It became chilly. The light of the candles grew until it was overwhelming. I sheltered my eyes, the light was so bright. Eventually, the light began to fade and the candles were almost spent. I sat in silence and watched the candles burn. When the last candle had flickered out, the birds began to sing again and the wind whispered through the trees. The air became hot and humid again.

  I stood up and cleared the altar. As I wiped the old wax away, my phone rang. I jumped. I had been in such a trance, I had forgotten about the real world. I shook myself out of my stupor and answered the phone.

  “Hey,” a voice said.

  “Hey,” I answered.

  “Do you want to get dinner?” It was Aaron.

  “Sure,” I said.

  “I’ll be there in an hour,” he said.

  I didn’t have time to tell him to wait. He’d already hung up. I began to wonder if the love spell had been a mistake. Perhaps it had been too strong. I looked at my phone for a minute and then I shoved it in my pocket and ran home to get cleaned up for dinner. I tried to dodge the workers as much as possible as I got ready, but it is hard to dodge people that are laying down hardwood floor in the hall in front of your bedroom. I stepped over them politely and smiled, but they seemed irked by my presence.

  One of the men laying the flooring down called out to me as I stepped into my room.

  “Hey, lady,” he said in a Mexican accent. “What did you do to scare the ghosts away?”

  “What?” I said.

  “My wife was here. She’s psychic. She says this place used to be the most haunted place around, but now there is nothing here. She wants to know what you did.”

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Don’t you have work to do?” I asked.

  I slammed the door before he had time to respond. At least my room was my own. I turned on the television and the shower. I undressed slowly as I watched the news. I don’t know why I watched the news. It never helped my disposition. It always made me cranky and mad and hopeless. I stepped in the shower and let the hot water wash over me. I felt better already. All the tension and irritability melted away. I stood there for a minute and then I leapt back out of the shower and began to get ready. I had gotten used to being on my own and this dating thing was stressing me out. I liked Aaron and he seemed like a nice man, but every day? Really? Did grown people want to see each other every day if they weren’t married? Of course, I had no idea what the answer to this question was. The last time I’d been on a date, dinosaurs had roamed the Earth.

  I slipped into an old dress I used to wear in the summer when I had been thinner. It didn’t look that bad, but it reminded me that I desperately needed to go shopping. I had really stopped caring about my appearance over the last year. I dug around in an unpacked box and found a necklace and some earrings that matched it.

  I stood back and looked in the mirror. I’d seen worse. The doorbell rang just as I slipped on my shoes. I skipped over the workmen and down the stairs to meet Aaron at the door. He smiled at me and whisked me away into the night.

  That night he took me to a little café off the highway. It wasn’t much, just a greasy spoon, but as far as I could tell, they had the best barbeque in the country. Aaron reached over and grabbed my hand while we waited. I really didn’t know what to do. John had hated public displays of affection and Blake and I had always had to be very secretive due to the cheating and sleeping with your client aspects of our relationship. I looked at my hand in Aaron’s on the table and then at Aaron’s bright, smiling face. I wasn’t sure what to do at all.

  “Do you go to church?” he asked.

  “Not if I can help it,” I answered honestly.

  “Would you like to go with me this Sunday?” he asked.

  “Why?” I asked.

  “I’m gonna be honest here,” he said. “I really like you. I like you more than any woman I’ve been with in a very long time and I think we could make something of this. I think we could be together, you and I. I’m not big on commitment, so I can’t really even believe I’m saying this, but if we are going to be together, I think we should share our faith and our life.”

  “Okay,” I said. This was moving way too fast. I wondered if I could change the dose of a love spell. I had no idea what to do with a man asking me to go to church. John had been an atheist. I had always hated organized religion, not so much because I didn’t believe in God, but because my father and step-mother’s faith had become a form of torture in my childhood. Religion aside, this was our second date. On the other hand, Aaron was hot and probably the best thing that had happened to me in the last … my entire life. My track record with men had been terrible and Aaron seemed sane and normal, and church-going behaviors were usually a sign of some degree of mental stability.

  “Why not?” I said.

  “Really?” he asked.

  “Really,” I said. Our food arrived and he smiled at me. He was absolutely beautiful. It was possible that I would say yes to anything this beautiful man asked me. Would you like to join the Hari Krishnas with me? Sure. Would you like to join a Mormon polygamist cult? Of course.

  “I was afraid you would say no,” he said as he ate. “You have a bit of a reputation, you know.”

  Small towns. Everyone has a reputation in a small town. “What kind of reputation do I have?” I asked.

  “You know, everyone says you were better off in Chicago. They say you’re one of those big city folks that doesn’t believe in God.”

  “I believe in God. You’re not from here,” I said. “Aren’t you big city folk?”

  “My mother is from Wales. Wales is not London and I grew up here and my mom married an Alabama man and we still go to his church. My entire family does.”

  “Ohh,” I said. “So you’re an Alabama boy after all.”

  “Yep,” he said.

  “So, how’d I miss you in high school, then?” I asked.

  “My family lives in Haysville,” he said.

  “Oh,” I said, “so we are going to church in Haysville on Sunday?”

  “Yes,” he said. “And I would like you to meet my family.”

  Oh, crap. Crappity-crap-crap. This was way too fast. There was no part of me that wanted to meet his family, but then he looked at me with his blue eyes.

  “Okay,” I said.

  “I’m so glad you said yes,” he said and he actually stopped eating to kiss my hand. His eyes were filled with something that terrified me.

  I smiled and ate. Crap. I wondered if there was a diagnosis for me. We went home and he did things to me that would have made angels weep. It was hard for me to believe he was a good Christian boy. He fell asleep next to me in the bed and for some reason, I didn’t ask him to leave. I sat up wrapped in the sheets on my bed watching him. I touched his chest, his arms. I had always loved beautiful things. Finally, I put my head on his shoulder and fell asleep next to him.

  I didn’t sleep long. It was about two when I was awakened by an enormous cras
h downstairs. Aaron didn’t seem to notice the noise. He slept peacefully. I got up and looked out into the hall. Everything seemed quiet. I walked down the stairs and into the front parlor. A bookshelf had fallen over and all the books had spread out across the floor. The spell book was on top of the pile and it was open. I glanced at the spell on the open page and shivered. It was an awakening spell. It was a spell to awaken a witch to the spirit world around her. I closed the book and pushed the bookshelf back up against the wall. It would take too long to put the books away, so I left them and went back to bed.

  CHAPTER 3

  OPEN SESAME

  The next day, I expected everything to be better. I expected things to work as easily as they had worked the first time I had built a candle garden, but as soon as I saw Candy screaming at the nurses, I could tell something had gone wrong. The nurses that day were Emma and Sandra and they were two of our better nurses. They worked hard and got the job done. The only bad thing that could be said about them was that they liked to gossip. When things were quiet on the floor, they would talk so loud, you could hear the director’s secrets all the way at the ER. I pretended to be above this, but secretly, I loved it.

  Apparently, Candy didn’t love the gossip. She was yelling as loud as she could and her face was red with the effort that came with her screaming. In fact, she looked so red and breathless, I half expected her to explode.