by K Larsen
“I need more,” she begs, her voice a throaty crack. She will get more. I will give it all to her.
Nora
We fell into the nighttime. We fell into a fake world. And then we couldn't escape. How did we get here? The water comes right up to the bank behind me. My hands are tied to a stake. Rising smoke permeates the air around me. I have angered him somehow.
“I will haunt you until the day you die,” he says into the shell of my ear. He may kill me now. I cannot be sure. His blade slices my skin. I grow wet. He kisses the spot he cut. “Are you ready for the final sacrifice, Nora?”
I draw in giant gulps of air. “Yes,” I say.
“I love you.”
“Only ever you, Holden,” I say. He raises his blade, my nostrils fill with the rising smoke around us. Lotte screams in the distance. And I am suddenly filled with dread.
* * *
I jackknife up. My throat dry and sandpaper like. Have I been screaming again? Liam coos in the darkness. A hand pets my skin.
“It’s just a dream,” he says. His voice is tinged with sleep. I try to slow my breathing. “What was it about?” he asks. I look in his direction but it is pitch black and I cannot make out his face. “It’s okay. Tell me. It was just a dream,” he says in a sleepy voice.
“No, it wasn’t,” I whisper. He takes my wrist and turns over my arm in the darkness. He traces the scars there. The ones I gave myself. They are fine and faint but still there. And without judgment I feel as though a gift has been given to me. Some form of acceptance or forgiveness. The feeling is ephemeral.
“Lay down, Nora. You’re safe.” I do as I am told but do not fall back to sleep. I stare at the blackness with a heavy heart. On nights like these, where Holden visits me in my dreams, I cannot sleep. I cannot do anything but check on Lotte, take comfort in her sleeping form and make a mug of tea. Some nights, Burt licks my arm to soothe me, while I rest under a weighted blanket.
Panic settles in my chest. I feel trapped. I want to be home. I need to get out of here. I cannot leave. I do not have a car here. My pulse rockets. When Liam’s chest rises and falls in a steady rhythm, I creep out of bed. I tiptoe through the house until I am outside by the pool. The night is black and the stars blanket the sky above. I let the constellations soothe me for a fleeting moment before I find my clutch and pull my phone from it. I dial Detective Salve. He always answers; no matter the time or day. While it rings, I slink back into my dress. My hand trembles as I try to pull the zipper up.
“Nora. Are you okay?” Salve’s voice speaks into my ear. I visibly calm at the sound of it.
“I need you to pick me up.”
“Are you hurt?” he asks.
“No. But please hurry.”
He sighs on the other end of the line. “Where are you?”
I don’t know. I don’t know! Panic swells inside me. “Um, hang on.” I grab my shoes and jog to the driveway. No house number. I jog into the street until I am able to give Salve an address from the mailbox.
“That’s thirty minutes from me.”
“I am sorry. Tell Agent Brown that I’m sorry, too.” A sob escapes me, despite trying to keep myself together.
“Don’t be. We’re always here for you. I’m leaving now.”
“I’m wearing that dress from the benefit we threw. And Salve, it’s a really nice neighborhood.”
“See you soon, kiddo.” He hangs up.
I breathe a sigh of relief and tuck my phone back into my clutch. I sit on the grass at the curb and kick myself, repeatedly, for being a mess. I look up and down the street, it is lined with perfectly full bodied trees and immaculate houses spaced just right from each other. It is the kind of neighborhood where women don’t sit on the side of the road in the middle of the night. It screams wealth. It has almost been thirty minutes when a hand on my shoulder startles me. I scream.
“Shh. Jesus, you’ll wake up the entire street,” Liam says. “What are you doing out here?” he asks.
I look away from him embarrassed. “I’m waiting on my ride,” I say softly.
“At this hour? Nora, are you insane?” If there is one term that truly irks me, it is being called crazy.
“No,” I snap and stand.
“Come inside,” he says and extends a hand.
“No.” Headlights flash down the road and relief floods me. “I need to go home.”
“I would have driven you, if you’d asked,” Liam says. He looks angry and I cannot blame him. But now is not the time to bicker.
“It’s not your fault.” I wave a hand through the air and keep one eye on Salve’s approaching car.
“You’re nuts,” he says. The dig stings. Salve pulls up to the curb in record time, parks and jumps out.
“Nora, are you okay?” His policeman voice makes me smile, despite the situation.
“Who the fuck are you?” Liam barks and runs a hand through his bedhead hair.
“I’m fine, Salve,” I say. “Let’s go.”
“Who is this guy, Nora?” Liam asks. Confusion is plastered on his face. Anger or maybe only irritation, too. Salve opens the door for me and I slide in. I roll down my window.
“I’m sorry, Liam. I really am.” My voice is barely more than a whisper. Embarrassment rushes my veins.
Salve’s door closes and we pull away. Liam looks upset and puzzled. I look away from him and focus on the road instead.
“What happened?” Salve asks.
“I had a really good night,” I say before tears start coating my cheeks. Salve laughs and turns off his radio. We have an easy rapport, Salve and I. He is the most tolerant and patient man I know. I sniffle and wipe at my face. “I fell asleep. I should have gone home. If I had, I might have stood a chance with that guy. As it is, I’m confident I just blew it.” I wring my hands together. I work at my breathing.
“You had a nightmare,” he states. I nod. “Aww, Nora. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I just, you know, couldn’t get back to sleep. I need to check on Lotte.”
“She’s fine. You know she’s at home sleeping safely,” He says.
I nod again. “Yes. Logically, I know that.” My jaw is tight.
He is no stranger to my anxiety. We are quiet for a moment.
“How’re your sessions with Dr. R. going?”
“It’s not her fault that I am broken,” I say.
“I’m not implying that.”
I blow out a breath. “I’m sorry. I’m tired. It’s going well. I’ve made lots of progress. I just can't seem to banish Holden from my dreams. From my subconscious.”
Salve pats my knee. “You’ll get there, Nora.”
I snort. “When?” I know when. In my heart I know when and I am not ready yet.
“When you’re damn well ready,” he says.
When he drops me off, it is almost four in the morning. I wave him off and creep into the house. I sneak up the stairs, avoiding the ones that creak. I twist Charlotte’s doorknob slowly and push into her room. The moonlight from the window shines over her face. She looks angelic. I am flooded with solace at the sight of her. Burt’s head pops up. I like it when he sleeps with Lotte. I tiptoe back downstairs to the kitchen. I make a mug of tea and curl up in my armchair with a book. Burt jumps on my lap and molds himself into a bagel shape. The weight of him is comforting. I pet him for a while, occasionally mumbling my love for him.
Aubry wakes me up with a gentle shake. The living room is full of sun. She holds my book up and grins. “Must be riveting if you fell asleep.” She thinks the world is good. Aubry thinks the world is magic. I remain silent—feeling like a pinball bouncing around in a careless crowd we call the population. And like a tornado, I seem to touch down in various places and leave a wake of destruction behind. I begin to cry. Everything is wrong. I think maybe I am two separate people now. Before and after Nora. I live a double life.
“Oh, shit. What’d I say?”
I shake my head. “It’s not you.”
“O
bviously. I was just being nice.”
I snort and wipe my tears away. “I screwed up last night, Aub., bad.”
“With Liam?” she asks.
I nod. “With Liam.”
“Well go on,” she says and plops on the couch. “Tell me everything.”
When I am finished with my story, Aubry has a dopey expression on her face. “Dude. You have a better sex life than I do.”
“That’s all you have to say?!” I squawk.
“What? It sounds like an amazing night.”
I shoot her a look, “You’re impossible.”
She laughs. “No, you are. Listen, I’m sure it’s okay. I’m still reeling from you swimming with him. In undies. Like, did he say anything at all about your back?”
“No,” I say.
“Wow.”
“Wow,” I mimic.
“If he didn’t run for the hills then, you making a hasty exit in the middle of the night isn’t going to scare him off.”
“What makes you so sure?” I think she overestimates my charm. She has known me too long, accepted me warts and all over the years.
“Do you like him?” she asks.
I pause. I still don’t know if that is the right word. I am intrigued by him. I am attracted to him and I want to get to know him better but I don’t know if it is possible to already be in like with him. “Maybe? I mean, yes I like him. I want to get to know him better.”
“Good enough,” she says.
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“Because odds are, if you like him, he already likes you. And if he already likes you, he will check in on you today.”
“Your math and logic are really queer, you know that, right?” I say. Aubry shrugs and stands.
“I’m starving. Change out of that ridiculous dress, brush your teeth, and let's go get some food.” Aubry’s easy demeanor almost brings me to tears again but I control myself and do as I am told. On our way out the door, I grab my clutch. It vibrates on our way to Aubry’s car.
“Hold up,” I say. I stop and pull my phone from the clutch.
Cherry, at least let me know you got home safe.
A smile creeps across my face. The timestamp is only minutes after I left his house.
“What?” Aubry says. I look up from my phone, grinning.
“He texted.”
She wiggles her eyebrows at me. “See. Told you so.”
I tap out a reply after I’m buckled in the car.
I did.
And then another.
Sorry.
His message back is quick.
Can we try again?
“Are you going to tell me what he’s saying, or make me die of curiosity?” I burst out laughing and read the text chain back to her. “You’d better say yes.”
“I will. Maybe not a sleepover though.” I am embarrassed at my behavior from last night. I wasn’t careful. I didn’t plan. I know my limits. I know how to get through life with the least amount of disruption and anxiety and the lust and curiosity I feel for Liam threatens every miniscule step of progress I have fought to make since coming home.
Liam
Thanks to Nora, I was exhausted all day Sunday. I barely slept after she left. I’d stomped my way inside and Googled ‘Salve’ to see what popped up. Who was he and why was he at her beck and call in the middle of the god damned night? Turns out, he’s the detective from her case with my brother. I’d slammed the laptop lid shut and felt moderately better but still irritable about the scenario. My text was a necessity to keep her near. Just when I thought I had her hooked, she slipped away. Getting close to and dating Nora Robertson is like trying to pet a fucking fish. I can’t get her out of my mind though.
I am not nearly as prepared as I would like for my father bursting through my office door.
“What the hell was that about?” he barks at me, with Mara trailing behind him looking scared and pissed simultaneously.
“Come in,” I say, before leaning back in my chair. This flippant response makes a vein in my father’s forehead jut out. I wave Mara away. She closes the door behind her.
“I told you to leave that girl alone.”
“I don’t want to,” I state, leaning back in my chair.
“I don’t really give a fuck what you want, Liam. I’m still paying for your last obsession, or has she so conveniently slipped your mind already?”
I draw in a deep breath through my nostrils. Of course, he would bring up Candy. I squash the urge to roll my eyes.
“Candy is fine and quite frankly, I have a feeling you’d be paying for her, regardless of any time I may have spent with her.”
“That girl is ruined because of you, Liam, and don’t you forget it. You condemned her to a life of pleasing men. She was a good girl from a good family before you.” A vein in his neck bulges. His face is a ruddy red.
“Is this the only reason you stopped by?” I ask.
He tuts and rounds my desk. I brace myself but he simply stands staring out my floor-to-ceiling window, admiring the city skyline.
“Yuri and Gregor signed the contract.” This is news to me. Something is up. It was supposed to be returned to me, yet I haven’t seen it since handing it off to them. “They returned it to me. Do you know why, Liam?”
I bite my tongue and stay silent.
“Because they don’t think you can uphold our end of the deal. They don’t trust you. They sought me out at the club and requested a sit down.”
“That’s bullshit, Dad.”
“They feel you’re not giving them a hundred percent. That you're distracted. And I tend to agree,” he spits out.
“Again. I call bullshit. I’ve done everything they asked. All appropriate players are in place. As soon as the money is wired, the docks are theirs to do with as they please. They won’t have any trouble,” I say.
“I’m withholding your commission on this one.” My blood boils at my father’s words. The muscles in my neck and shoulders tense. That money is mine. It’s my safety net. My out.
“Good,” I grit out. My father whips around to face me and raises an eyebrow.
“Withhold it. When the wire clears and they don’t run into problems, let’s say, over the following thirty days, you’ll see I earned that commission. So, hold on to it.” I wave a hand through the air. “Give it to me when I prove them wrong.”
Dad holds my eyes for long, uncomfortable moments before nodding. Without a goodbye, he leaves. When I hear Mara exhale, I know he’s gone and I let my head hit the back of my chair and close my eyes.
At six, a courier arrives. Mara is gone for the day and I am glad to have the office to myself.
“Just sign here,” the kid says.
I scribble my name on the paper before me and hand him the package. “You’ll deliver this tonight, correct?”
He nods and tucks the package beneath his arm. It has taken more of my willpower than I’d like to admit not to contact Nora today. Something about her haunts me. Maybe it’s the way she appears so innocent, when I know she is anything but. The kid schleps his way onto the elevator. When the doors close, I return to my office. With a few clicks, I pull up Nora’s email. Angela has emailed some pictures to Nora. From when, I’m not sure. People are posed in small groups, smiling at the camera. Greenery surrounds them. In the background, Nora sits near a tree, book open and in hand, staring down at the pages. A small grin on her face. I click through the other pictures. Must have been a cookout of some sort. The last picture opens and I suck in a deep breath. It is of Nora alone, her red hair looks almost unnatural in the sunlight. Her eyes are crinkled at the corners and she smiles around a popsicle in her mouth. She looks like she is up to no good. About to burst out laughing perhaps. Her lips are tinged purple from the popsicle. I can’t help but picture that popsicle as my dick. Hard and between her soft lips. That same playful look in her eye as she takes me. I save the picture to my desktop before marking the email as unread and closing out the private
browser.
I unbutton my pants and pull my cock out, then open the picture of her again. “Nora, Nora, Nora,” I groan while stroking myself. “How you intoxicate me.”
Nora
Dr. Richardson tilts her head at me and says, “He gave you a spoon?”
I nod at Dr. Richardson, “Uh huh.”
She blinks twice, three times. “I really don’t know what to make of that one.”
“Well, the spoon says ‘Ice Cream Killer’ on it and it came with a pint of Cherry Garcia.” I am unable to stop the blush that hits me at the mere mention of said ice cream. “It was a little inside joke. But that’s not really why I’m telling you about it. I freaked out. Not only that, I dreamt of Holden while I was in his bed. That can’t be normal.”
Dr. Richardson pushes her new bangs from her forehead and chuckles. “Nora, do you think that you are the first woman in history to think of an old lover while with a new one?” I furrow my brow at her. “You are not. That behavior is normal. It was the relationship with Holden, that was not. But considering we are going forward in an alternative therapy fashion, and exploring your recovery through this ‘idea’ that you and Holden were in love, I’m going to say that this particular situation was normal.”
I groan. “But I still had a panic attack. I still had to leave. I ran.” I want to hide in a dark hole away from everyone and everything.
“You did all of that yes. But you tried. You took a chance on this, Liam, and let it work itself out naturally. That’s something you should be proud of. And consider the facts; you panicked, you fled and he still extended an olive branch to you. So, the worst case scenario of allowing yourself to be vulnerable in this situation, was that he still wanted to try again. That’s a positive, not a negative.”