by K Larsen
“I’m sorry.” Two words. Two words that cannot possibly be sufficient. I scratch my ear, my fingers drag across my jawline until my index finger is inside my mouth, teeth biting on the nail.
“I loved him,” I say. I am vacant and distressed.
“I know.” His expression is timid. Hesitant.
“Why would you do this? Why did you leave him up there with her? And Laura? Why didn’t you tell me? How ...” He takes me by the shoulders and gives me a gentle shake.
“I will answer what I can but you have to calm down.”
“Calm down? I’ve been sleeping with my dead lover’s brother! Holden will kill me.”
“Holden is dead. He won’t be doing anything to you,” he says. “He does not own you.”
I laugh in his face. He knows so little.
“Why? Why would you do this?” My voice is frantic.
“I wanted to punish him. I wanted to make you love me. To hurt you. To hurt him.” I inspect his face. He is serious. He is telling the truth. My bottom lip quivers.
“You’ve succeeded,” I say. I pull from his grasp and storm to the bedroom. I gather my things without care. Tears drip from my chin to the carpet, leaving little wet marks. Little traces of Nora. With my shoes and Burt’s leash clutched in my arms, I make my way to the front door. I call Burt. He comes to my side.
“Please, Nora,” he says. His voice is hoarse and pained. Good, I think. “Let me explain.”
I stand in the threshold. Part of me wants to give him my words. To say something to him. To be cunning and clever and vindictive. But I cannot. I will give him what Holden gave me in those last moments; nothing. I step forward and pull the door closed behind me. His footsteps echo on the tile floor and I dart to my car. I throw everything in as I slide into my seat. Burt jumps in over me and settles in the passenger seat. I slam the door closed and lock the doors. Liam is at my window. I dig through my purse for my keys. The glass vibrates with the force of his pounds. I start the car, throw it in drive and leave. His house grows small in my rearview mirror. When I can no longer see it, I pull to the side of the road, throw open my door and lean my head out. Vomit splashes on the pavement.
With a shaking hand, I wipe my mouth and sit up. I pull my phone out and dial Aubry. We are all interconnected. Nothing exists on its own. Attraction is not random. I have to get out of the car. I cannot cry, my tear ducts are too tired. I can't feel anything. I function on muscle memory. I think but don't feel. I’m broken and that makes me dangerous.
The sobs don’t stop for a long time. I can’t see anything but black. A hand gently rubs my back. I don’t remember getting home. I don’t remember Aubry leaving or Eve coming in. But she’s here, urging me into the shower. I step underneath the warm water in silence, letting the water absorb into my hair and seep into my skin. I breathe in the steam, two deep draws of air, gulping it down, desperate for it to soothe me but it doesn’t. Red tinged water swirls at the drain. The last remnants of my angst. Of my own nails. Empty. Vacant. No soul, no thoughts. Shadows creep into the corners of my vision.
“I’ll kill him, Nora,” Eve says. She vibrates with rage. “Aubry told me. Holden’s brother?! That fucker tricked you. Used us all. For what? To bring more torture to us all? What was his plan? Did he hurt you? Oh, my God, we have to tell Lotte. We have to get an alarm system. He was in our house!”
I say nothing because I have no words for her. “He’s fucking sick. He probably would have done the same thing to you as Holden. We can sue. We can fight back. Something. Nora! Are you listening?”
“Stop, Eve. Just stop. Your voice is too loud.” I cover my ears and focus on the sound of the water.
She sighs, loudly, from outside the shower curtain. “I get that you're hurting. I don't really know what to say to make it better,” Eve says.
“Don’t say anything.”
His lips meet mine. I melt into him. I kiss him ferociously. I use up all my passion on him. Holden pulls back and regards me. His eyes cloud. His face morphs. I have displeased him. “Only ever you, Nora.” His voice is ragged. I nod rapidly at him but he looks at me as if I disgust him. “How could you?” he asks. “Liam.” He has one hand in my hair as he tugs and leads me to the river. I cry out. I beg. I plead with him. I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I am dragged down to the banks. Holden holds me down until I struggle no longer. Until I’ve drowned in my sinful will.
* * *
On the side table, my cell phone vibrates like chattering teeth. It startles me from sleep. From dreams. I’d forgotten to turn it off and now someone is calling. I grab it.
"Yeah?" I whisper exhausted. A whisper comes back.
“Forgive me.”
I hang up. Liam is relentless. My phone vibrates again and again. I am too weak to simply turn it off and eventually I answer.
“Nora,” he groans. “Don’t hang up, please.”
“Why? Because you love me?” I spit out.
“What am I supposed to do? I could say it, but you won't believe me."
I inhale deeply to steady my voice. "Say it."
"I love you," he says.
"You're right. I don't believe you. Love is a sacrifice, Liam. Maybe you weren’t supposed to save me. Maybe I was supposed to save you.”
I hang up the phone.
Liam
I don’t want her to leave me. My eyes roll as a pain shoots straight through my temple and embeds itself behind my ear. I try to focus, but it seems impossible. A migraine takes root. I groan. I want to call her again. Tell her all of how I feel. I want to give her everything she needs to hear. She’s got my heart in a choke hold. I love her wickedly dark desires, her hair, and the way she dances around the kitchen when she cooks in the comfort of her home. The way she gave me her scars. Her body. Her mind. She offered it all up and I wanted it, so I took it. I don’t know where to go from here.
It has been long days. She won’t pick up my calls. She doesn’t answer my texts. I stalk her. I watch her. I pretend she didn’t cut me off. I take each day slow. She makes my heart pound like bass beats in a stereo. I need her. She sets my soul on fire. I watch her at yoga, unhidden. She scowls at me. It is better than nothing though. I’m a pawn in my own game now. I wanted revenge. I wanted to hurt Holden, even if only in death. That morphed to sick curiosity about him that only Nora holds the answers to and then it shifted completely. She became my absolution. We’re meant for each other. The abuse inflicted by my brother, a shared bond. Without him, there would be no relationship between Nora and me. My plan was destiny. We’re fated for each other. Without Holden, our paths would have never crossed.
I am at her grocery store, hoping to catch a glimpse of her but she isn’t here. I buy nothing. I walk through the park down the path she loves, past the Daisy plaque. Outside her house, I stand and peer through the windows.
Mike comes out onto the front porch.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” I ask.
“I’m here with Aubry. What are you doing here?”
“I’m here for Nora,” I say.
“Leave her alone, Liam. She’s a wreck. You really fucked up this time.” He runs his hands through his hair, a telltale sign that he’s stressed.
“Look at me! What am I?” I bark. I feel weary and I know I don’t look good.
Mike shakes his head and goes back inside. Traitor. Or maybe I can use him to get to Nora. To weasel my way back in. I go home when Charlotte comes outside. She says nothing, only stares at me curiously. Like I am some sort of puzzle that needs solving.
I sit at my desk with a pen in hand and a blank page in front of me.
Cherry,
You won’t listen to me, so maybe you will read what I have to say. I will send this letter a thousand times if necessary. I saw the magazine article and I admit, at first, I was only curious about you. That feeling grew and spread and changed. I watched you, this woman who was the last person to live with and know my brother. A brother who I loved and
looked up to. A brother who was abused and who in turn passed that abuse down to me. Those scars on my head are from Holden. He was sick like my mother and eventually that sibling fondness turned to hate. Why didn’t he protect me?
I watched you. I learned about you. I wanted to punish Holden any way I could and it seemed you were the only one he cared for, and you were able to love him back, flaws and all. My whole family was on that mountain. I was wrenched away by my father and abused in a different way but one thing stood—we were never allowed to discuss the cabin. You had answers I wanted. Glimpses into the lives of people that shared my blood. But then I fell for you. For every nook and cranny of your soul.
I am sorry. I am bereft without you. I will give up everything to have you back, Nora, because we’re meant to be together. Don’t you see it? Without Holden, our paths would never have crossed. He led us together. I am not my brother. I don’t want to nor have I ever thought of abusing someone, cutting them or holding them hostage. My abuse and yours have caused us to crave different things, but we are the only two people who are suited to give those things to each other.
Please give me a chance to prove my feelings for you. Please. Don’t let Holden have any more power over our lives. Put him to rest once and for all. Take his control away. Make a choice, Nora, choose me.
--Liam
Nora
“Lotte didn’t take it well. She’s having night terrors again and it’s my fault.” I sob openly but Dr. Richardson lets me ramble on without interruption. “Eve is … well, herself. Angry and vengeful. I blocked his number but it doesn’t make me feel any better. Agent Brown stopped by to help us set up a security system but when Eve and Lotte aren’t home, I don’t bother setting it.” Guilt swallows me whole as I think of Liam.
“I’m concerned for you, Nora,” she says. “I want you to be safe. I’m not sure you’re taking this seriously. Holden has family. Presumably, they knew about him and did nothing.”
“I know,” I wail. “But I don’t think that’s how it was.”
“Why not?” she asks.
“He sent me a letter. And the way Holden had talked about his family, it was as if he was abandoned. It wasn’t a friendly parting.”
“Who sent you a letter?”
“Liam,” I answer. “I didn’t open it right away. I put it in the trash. But then another came the day after. And another the day after that. It was freaking Eve out, so I finally opened one.”
“And?” she asks. I pull the folded letter from my pants pocket. Unfolding it gently, I smooth the page. I keep it on me. I’ve read it hundreds of times now. I barely need to look at it to read it to Dr. Richardson, as I’ve almost memorized his words. She listens intently until I am done.
“I miss Liam. He made me laugh. He understood my needs.” I want to dance around in his smoke and flicker out. I know he knows that he’s killing me, my heart. He holds my soul in his hands and squeezes it, even from a distance.
“That is natural, Nora,” Dr. Richardson says.
“I don’t know how to trust that what he gave me was true. He didn’t mean to do harm, he only wanted revenge. I can understand that. Holden left us both weak in different ways. He used me. But haven’t I used him, too? Isn’t that love? He did not judge or reject my needs. If getting back at Holden was all he was after, why didn’t he tell me months ago? It still would have hurt then. If that was his only objective, why did sorrow swim in his eyes when I left?”
“Love is irrational. And you are very lovable. Has it dawned on you that perhaps, over the months you dated, that he really fell for you?”
“Are you saying I should be with him?” I ask staring at her.
She shakes her head and leans her elbows on her knees. “No. I’m saying that people’s motives change. You, of all people, should know that. What do you want, Nora?”
I shrug and pick at my cuticles. “I wanted Liam. But now he represents something sinister.”
“He didn’t lie to you when you found the mug. He came right out with the truth.”
“So what? He lied the entire time leading up to that.”
She nods. “Yes, he did.”
“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it is forgivable. What about Lotte and Eve?”
“I can’t answer that for you. You are the only one who can make that decision.”
“Aubry said that Mike told her that Liam is miserable and he’s never seen him so, and I quote, ‘effed up over a piece of ass,’” I say.
“How did that make you feel?” she asks.
“Vindicated, if I am honest.”
Dr. Richardson laughs. “Your honesty has always been refreshing.”
I groan and push my braids behind my shoulders. “That’s what Liam said. He’s been following me. Watching me.”
“That is not acceptable.” she says.
“I kind of like it,” I admit.
She shakes her head at me. “You make my job very difficult sometimes. Do you think your personalities, your desires were aligned? Did your love for Holden affect your relationship with him?”
“Yes. We are a perfect match. And no, I barely thought of Holden while we were together.”
“And you and Liam, were able to function in the ‘real world’ together, without feeling ashamed.”
“Yes. Even Eve said he was alright. Until this, of course.”
Dr. Richardson uncrosses and crosses her legs before leaning back in her chair. “I want you to think long and hard about your relationship with him. What it gave you, how it helped you and what you want in life because, Nora, everyone deserves happiness and fulfillment—even you.”
It has been three weeks. Long weeks of sleepless nights and grotesque dreams. Liam has replaced my ‘Good Morning, Gorgeous’ mug. He has sent flowers—so many flowers. He sent a new spoon that reads ‘Let’s Spoon’. Three pints of ice cream have been delivered, all with handwritten notes from Liam. He is relentless. Yesterday a mix cd arrived. I knew I shouldn’t listen, but I could not help myself. I put it on at bedtime and fell asleep to the melodies Liam chose for me. I have battled dreams of Holden and Liam together. It has been a whirlwind of emotions. I have thrown myself into my memoir. The words, the memories, getting them down on paper have distracted and sometimes even been cathartic. Although some days, it makes me miss his cottage.
N.E.L. has received a half million dollar anonymous donation. It has been the only joyful moment of the last month. But Eve, never content to let things rest, started digging. She complained that the size of that donation required acknowledgement.
* * *
“Who cares where it came from, Eve?” Lotte asked.
“I do,” Eve said.
Lotte tucked herself into my side on the couch. “It’s anonymous for a reason. Anonymous implies they don’t want a thank you.”
I looked at Lotte with curiosity. Eve stood, annoyed at our lack of curiosity and left us sitting quietly, mumbling about finding out where it came from.
“Promise you won’t be mad at me,” she said. I leaned down and kissed her forehead.
“I can’t promise that, but go on, say whatever you’re going to say.”
“I read the letter.”
“What letter?” I ask.
“The one you keep throwing away, from Liam.”
I gasp. “Why would you do that?”
“I was scared at first. That he was sending them over and over. And following you. And … and that he was related to Holden.”
I frown and pull Lotte into my chest. “I’m sorry for all this. I’m so sorry,” I told her.
She pushes away from me. “He’s not like Holden,” she said. “And I’m not scared of him.”
“What?”
Lotte inhaled deeply. “It’s not the same as it was before. I read his words and I believe them. I am not like Eve and we’re sisters. She is consumed by past circumstances. She can’t adapt but I can and do. I know I was having nightmares again but they stopped, Nora, after I s
nuck the letter and read it. Holden would never have written or said those words. I’m not saying forgive Liam, but I don’t think he is a monster.”
Tears poured down my face as I realized what Lotte was trying to give me.
* * *
“I hate you,” I say out loud. Holden’s’ headstone does not speak back. “I hate that you ruined me. I hate that even in death you found a way to steal my joy.”
It strikes me then that I have let Holden win. That Liam was right about that. My heart desires Liam, not Holden, and the only thing keeping me from the man I want, is a dead man who skewed my reality and used me. I will not let him win. Emboldened at my realization I kick Holden’s headstone and go home.
“Thank Christ you’re home,” Eve all but yells when I enter the kitchen.
“What?” I ask.
“I found the anonymous donor.”
I hang my head. “Seriously Eve, let it go.”
“It was Liam,” she says. I freeze, unable to fully register what she has said. I look up to her puzzled. “Did you catch that? It. Was. Liam.”
“He wouldn’t have.”
“He did,” she states.
“Are you going to give it back?” I ask.
Eve paces the kitchen shaking her head. “No. Nope. We’re keeping it. And we’re not saying thank you.”
“We’re keeping it?” I ask.
She turns to me with tears in her eyes. “I don’t know what to do, Nora! I don’t know. This is all so …”
“Sibylline. Dysphoric. Perplexing.”
She groans but the corners of her lips lift slightly. “No words, Nora. Not right now.” She seats herself in a chair and puts her forehead on the table.
“We can return it,” I say and sit across from her.
“No, we can’t. We need it.” She lifts her head, “but more than that, Lotte made me read that horrible letter he wrote to you.”