by Weston Ochse
As we know, forgiveness of oneself is the hardest of all the forgivenesses.
Joan Baez
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
THEY WOKE ME for breakfast at nine in the morning. I’d been using one blanket as a pillow and had the other wrapped around me. I stood, stretching, achy from the night on the floor. There was still no contact. I cleaned myself in the bathroom, then accepted a cup of coffee from Chance. We were all still in our skivvies, but the dispensary was warm enough that we weren’t cold. To us, it was just another barracks room.
Merlin had acquired a backpack and a rifle, and was sitting and talking to the Doctor and his daughter. Earl stood beside them, listening, his eyes on the young woman. The bruising on her face was almost a black-purple, which told me it was two or three days old. Soon, it would turn green, then yellow. But that was on the surface. What Picket had done to her was etched into her soul.
Fucking humanity. Sometimes I hated who we were.
I stood, sipping my coffee, when Ohirra came up.
“What’s our status?” I asked.
“Liebl’s gone.”
“How do you know?”
“EXO is outside, empty.”
“He never was one of us, really. Probably doesn’t want to do this next part.”
She grinned. “I don’t think any of us want to do this next part.” She glanced at Alpha, who sat in a corner, his chin resting on steepled fingers. “But this is the end game. It’s been played out before. We’re just along for the ride.” She turned to go, then remembered something. “Oh, Sykes wants to talk to you.”
“Know what about?”
“He’s a scared kid, Mason.”
“Doesn’t excuse what happened.”
“I know. Still, he wants to talk.”
I sighed, blew steam off the surface of my coffee, and took another sip. Drawing the blanket around my shoulders with one hand and carrying the mug in the other, I went into the examination room Stranz had placed Sykes in. He sat in a chair, his hands tied behind him. I regarded him.
His wide round eyes were pools of fear. His lip trembled. A trail of snot ran from one nostril. He’d been put in doctor’s scrubs and they accentuated his almost frail features.
I put the coffee cup down on the sink, snatched a tissue from the dispenser, and wiped his nose. After throwing the tissue away, I retrieved my coffee, leaned against the sink and asked, “You wanted to see me?”
He nodded. “Wha—what’s going to happen to me?”
“What do you think should happen to you?” I took a sip of coffee, relishing its hot bitterness. Whether it was in a Starbucks at Fort Bragg or a cup of instant java in a firebase, coffee was super food for any soldier. When Sykes didn’t answer right away, I added, “Martial law is in effect. The local commander has jurisdiction over all civil and military crimes.”
“Loc-local command—commander?” he asked, his high voice breaking.
“Which would be me, Lieutenant Ben Mason, Planet Earth.”
“But I did—didn’t do—”
“Anything to stop, Picket.” I took a quick sip. “I know. That doesn’t show very well for you. I’m going to have to weigh your inaction.”
“But he would have killed me,” he managed.
I shook my head. “You don’t know that. You might have killed him. You might have found a way to get the upper hand, say when he was raping that poor girl and his back was to you.” I pointed at him with my cup. “Then, maybe.”
His eyes became haunted with the opportunities he’d missed through inaction, either out of fear or out of a strange voyeuristic need.
“Where are you from?” I asked.
“NUSNA.”
“No, before the invasion Where did you live?”
“York, Pennsylvania. I lived with my uncle on the Susquehanna River.”
“Was your uncle a good man?”
“I think so,” he said.
“What happened to him?”
“He was shot by some marauders.”
“Trying to steal your food?”
He nodded. “He died protecting me.”
“What’d they do with you?”
He turned away and stared at the wall.
I’m just not surprised anymore at man’s capacity to do harm. Still, I could see what happened like I’d been there, the same greedy disregard for humanity and insatiable need to be fulfilled that Picket had were probably a raging fire of desire in the eyes of the marauders. Still, I wanted the kid to face the memory.
“What’d they do to you?” I asked again.
“They didn’t even take me into a bedroom,” he said, his voice raw and low. “The whole time I stared at my uncle’s face. His eyes were open and he was looking at me and—” He wiped a tear away. “It was like he was ashamed of me.”
“He wasn’t ashamed of you, son. He was dead. The dead have no emotions.”
After a few moments, Sykes said, “I know that in here,” he said, chin pointing toward his chest. “I just can’t get it into my brain.”
“We’ve all seen and done things that are terrible. You just have to realize which ones you can own and which ones you can’t.” I went to take a sip of the coffee, but it suddenly tasted too bitter. I poured it down the sink and placed the mug off to the side. “Let me ask you, did you want to stop Picket?”
“Desperately,” he breathed.
I nodded and stood there for a good five minutes, watching him as he stared at the wall, life replaying over and over in the horror show of his mind. Finally, I grabbed my cup and turned to leave.
He looked up. “What are you going to do with me?”
I paused. “What is it you want me to do?”
“Part of me wants you to kill me. Then I can stop seeing it over and over. I can stop seeing my uncle’s eyes.”
“I think you’ll live.”
“What do you mean?”
“Living seems to be punishment enough. You’ve locked yourself in your own prison. I don’t know how long the term will be, but eventually you’ll find the key and let yourself out. Until then, it’s your uncle’s eyes.”
I walked out of the room.
No one gets a free pass at the end of the world.
Ohirra was waiting for me when I came out. “So what’d he want?”
“To be forgiven. To forget.”
“Did you help him?”
“A thing like that can’t be helped. It needs to work itself out.”
She nodded and turned to watch Chance and Olivares, who seemed to be sharing a joke. It gave me the opportunity to look at her, really look at her, not as a fellow officer but as a woman. It occurred to me that while I’d seen plenty of my fellow grunts hook up, I hadn’t seen her with a man or a woman other than at official functions.
“What about you, Ohirra?” I asked.
“What about me?”
“You and I have known each other since the first time you kicked Olivares’s ass on the mat. I had my thing with Michelle. Olivares has something cooking with Chance. But I’ve never seen you with anyone.”
“What, you want me to find love at the end of the world?” She snickered. “It’s not like I have much to choose from.”
“It’s just that, well…”
She put a hand on her and, with raised eyebrows, said, “What are you proposing?”
I cleared my throat. I could feel my face reddening. “No. I mean I would, but you’re like a sister to me.”
She punched me lightly in the chest. Then her face got serious. “You know I like girls, right?”
Now it was my turn to raise my eyebrows. “I had no idea, not that it is any of my business.” This slender Japanese jujitsu master and former U.S. Marine was an anachronism. She’d never killed anyone in combat before the invasion and hadn’t even seen enemy fire. But she had killed a family of five after one bad decision involving drinking and driving.
“You remember what I did?”
“I remember.”
> She sighed. “How could I be with someone when I deprived five people of their lives? A relationship was the last thing I cared about. It seemed ridiculous, really.”
“Your drive, your need to be the best...”
“Is for them,” she said, angrily swiping at a sudden tear in the corner of her eye.
“Listen, Ohirra, I didn’t want to pick a scab. I just wanted to make sure you were good. So much happens so fast. I didn’t want to forget about you.” I grabbed her shoulder. “You and me were there at the beginning.”
“And we’re about to be to the end.”
“What are you two whispering about?” Olivares asked, coming up on us. “You conspiring to leave me here?”
“You could stay if you wanted,” I said.
He glanced at Chance and I could see him living a lifetime in his eyes, but it was someone else’s life. “Nah. We weren’t made for a house and a white fence. Three hots and a cot is what makes us happy.” He turned his gaze back to us. “What is it you’re really talking about? Why is little Ms. Badass crying?”
I gave him a genuine smile. “Just making sure little Ms. Badass is okay.”
“Funny way to make sure she’s okay. It usually doesn’t involve crying. Or have I been doing it wrong all this time?”
Ohirra wiped at her eyes. “I’m fine, you two. Just stay focused on the mission.”
“Ohirra,” I said, waiting for her to look at me.
“What?”
“I’m proud that you’re by my side.”
She punched me again in the chest. “Oh shut up.” Then she walked away.
Olivares nodded to me and I nodded back, then he returned to where he’d been sitting with Chance. I wonder if she’d ever know that he’d been given the opportunity to stay. Would she have wanted it? Or was she the type to go out fighting like Ohirra?
Earl sidled up to me.
We’d buried his sister last night. Doctor Paul had pulled out a bottle of whiskey and let the boy have it. He didn’t seem too worse for wear, but the circles under his eyes were dark enough I could fall into them.
“Mind if I have a word, sir?” he asked.
It seemed like everyone had something they needed to talk about. I nodded to him. “How are you feeling?”
“About the way someone feels when they lose a twin.”
I remained silent, because there was absolutely nothing to say.
“We’ve been by each other’s side since the invasion. The only time we weren’t was during Phase I training, but even then she was in the cell next to mine. It’s like cutting off a limb. It hurts,” he said, pointing to his chest, “but it hurts in here.”
“I never had any brothers or sisters.”
“It wasn’t all wine and roses. She could be such an asshole sometimes. But you know, she was my sister. She was my asshole.”
“I’ve had fellow soldiers I felt that way about,” I said, looking at Olivares. “Probably not as intense a feeling, but something I can relate to what you’re feeling.”
“What is it we’re going to do next?” he asked.
“Fight. Somehow we’re going to link up with the Khron and fight the Umi.”
“But why?” He licked his lips. “I mean, if they’re just going to leave now and let us have the planet back, why not just sit back and wait?”
“It’s the principle of it, Earl. We don’t let strangers come into our house, piss on the furniture, fuck the family dog, and then leave without us doing something about it. We couldn’t stop the Umi, but we can make them pay.”
“So is that what this is about? Revenge?”
I eyed him for a long moment. This was the second person who didn’t seem to believe revenge was a good enough reason to fight. “Maybe. Is that such a bad reason to fight?”
“You know Merlin is returning home,” he said.
“I know. He asked to leave and I let him.” I paused for a moment. “Is that what you want? To go with him?”
“Part of me does, but another part of me wants to get revenge, too.”
“Conflicting feelings.”
“What should I do, sir?”
“What would your sister say if you asked her the same thing?”
“I don’t know.”
“Would she want you to avenge her?”
“If she did, then it would be against NUSNA instead of the Umi or the Cray.” He shook his head, looking lost. “I just don’t know.”
I put a hand on his shoulder. “Well, when you figure it out, you’ll know.”
I took a chair and slid it over to where Paul and Nancy were sitting with Merlin. “You guys going to go with Merlin?”
“We talked about it,” Doc Paul said, “But we’ve lived all of our life here. This is our home.”
“The town looks deserted,” I said.
“There are still a few hardcore folks who want to tough it out. Been living on canned food, trout from the river, and wild game. They come by when they need fixing up. If I was to leave, they’d have no one.” Then he pointed to the floor. “Plus, down there we have enough rations to feed a battalion for ten years. Even if we don’t trade for fresh meat and vegetables, we’ll have enough food and water to survive anything.”
To Merlin, I said, “See you found a pack and a rifle.”
Merlin grinned. “They have an entire armory down there, complete with clothes and equipment.”
“That’s good. No shortage of ammunition. How long do you think it will take you to get home?”
“It’s about a thousand miles to Seattle. I thought once I hit the coast, I’d try and find a boat. If not, then it’s another two thousand miles to Nome. By that point, I’ll definitely need water transportation.” As he spoke there was a light in his eyes that had been missing for some time.
“You look excited about going.”
“I am excited. I was made to do this.” Then his expression turned serious. “But what about you, brother? I don’t want to let you down.”
“You’re not letting anyone down. You’re what we’re fighting for. The world might never be the same, but it will be our world, nonetheless.”
“Thank you,” came a small withered voice.
I turned to Nancy. It was the first time I’d heard her speak.
“No problem,” I said.
“No, for everything. Not just...” She didn’t finish.
I wanted to put my hand on her shoulder. I wanted to hold her hand. I wanted her body to understand that there were men she could trust, men who wouldn’t do those things to her, but I knew if I did, she’d jerk away, her mind reliving moments I wanted her to forget.
“It’s fine,” I said softly. “There are more men like me out there than men like him,” I said, not needing to explain who he was.
She stared at me with eyes as haunted as Sykes’s.
I offered her a smile, then turned to her father. “Can I have a word?”
He nodded, patted his daughter’s knee, then followed me to the other side of the room. Merlin watched us for a moment, then decided to join us. I did nothing to stop him.
“What is it?” Doctor Paul asked.
“The kid. Sykes.”
The doctor’s eyes narrowed. “What about him?”
“I don’t know what to do with him. I’m not taking him with me.”
“You shouldn’t leave him here,” Doctor Paul said. “He’ll be a living reminder to my daughter of what happened.”
“I realize that. I just don’t know what to do.” I paused, then added, “The same thing happened to him back in Pennsylvania. He was…” I didn’t need to finish.
The doctor shook his head. “I feel bad for him, truly I do, both from a clinical and personal perspective. But that doesn’t change my opinion.”
“It wasn’t meant to,” I said. “I just wanted you to know.”
“I’ll take him with me,” Merlin said.
We both turned to stare at him.
“Why would you do that?”
&nb
sp; “If I want to start rebuilding the world, I should start now.” He inclined his chin toward the room where Sykes was being held. “He’s part of it.”
As much as I appreciated Merlin’s desire, I didn’t know if I could trust the kid not to do something to my old friend. Then again, it was Merlin’s choice and who was I to infringe upon it? I felt my shoulders sag. “If that’s how you truly feel, then okay. Just don’t think I intended for you to be his caretaker.”
“I won’t be his caretaker. But I will be his fellow traveler.”
Doctor Paul shuffled off to find his daughter.
I was about to say something else to Merlin when Alpha suddenly got to his feet.
“They’re here,” he said.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ but ‘That’s funny...’
Isaac Asimov
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
WE ALL HURRIED into our EXOs, then went outside eager, to see who exactly was arriving. Even Paul and Nancy followed. But when we got outside all we saw was blue sky and mountains. We looked at each other, wondering what we were supposed to see.
“Where are they?” I asked.
“They’re being a little dramatic.” He nodded as if talking to himself, then turned to me. “Permission to contact you via neural link.”
“Via neural... like in my head?”
“Yes. Like you had with your HMIDs.”
I wasn’t used to being asked. Normally Thompson or one of the other HMIDs would stomp around in my brain without a care in the world. “Okay. I guess it’s fine.”
Then...
You are commander of this force, came a computer-sounding voice.
I am Lieutenant Benjamin Carter Mason of OMBRA Special Forces Division. I have six EXOs that require transport as well as two of your own, one deceased.
We are Khron Semfled Fourteen.
To Alpha, I asked, “What’s a semfled?”
“Military flight consisting of three Vipers.”
We have been assigned to transport you to Odessa Base and to prepare you for follow on attack mission.
Oh yippee. Let’s get on with it.