“Who had the drugs, Key?” I can’t seem to look away from her; I just want to hold her. “Key!”
“Sarah and some of the guys from school.” Fuck! My heart is pounding in my chest.
Just then, Charlotte walks through the door. “Guys, have you seen Becca?” As soon as Charlotte sees her, I know what’s coming. “What is wrong with her. Did she drink too much?” I can’t look at her, so I don’t. “Key, are you going to tell her or are you going to make me do it?”
I haven’t moved or said a word. My eyes can’t seem to move from Bec. “Fine, someone brought drugs to the party and Becca had some. Guess she’s branching out.”
“What did you just say, Jake?” I have to be imagining that he would think this. “You think she took them?”
Jake turns and looks at me, causing him to maybe get an idea of what I’m trying to say. I stand up and walk away from Bec and get close to him. “You think that’s who she is? I can’t remember her and I’m not even that fucking stupid enough to think that. Someone had put it in her drink. I only saw her with one drink and she downed it.” Jake becomes pale and backs away from me.
“Jake, you think she would take drugs willingly? Aren’t you supposed to be Becca’s best friend?” Charlotte is looking at Jake like he’s a dog who just shit on her carpet.
“So Charlotte doesn’t know what an ass you’ve been to her or how you told her you were done with her.” Charlotte looks horrified. I know this isn’t the time but I can’t stop my anger since he doesn’t seem to know her at all. I would give anything to remember every detail about her and he just gave up on her. If she is who I believe she is, I wouldn’t give a damn who was in my way. “It wasn’t enough for Jacob to move out and stop being the person she runs to. Then tonight, after we all begged her to come, you do that to her. What is wrong with you?”
“Keegan, is she going to be okay?” Charlotte is watching me. I walk over to Bec and move a few strands of her long hair out of her face. “Get Sarah. We need to know what was in that drink.” Charlotte goes to leave but I stop her.
“No, she won’t come with you, Charlotte. Jake, you go get her.” Jake doesn’t move. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“I wasn’t asking, Jake.” He reluctantly leaves in search of Sarah. “Keegan, tell me she’s going to be okay.” I look to her and give her the only answer I can, the only one I can believe. “Yes, Charlotte, she’s going to be fine.” I hope.
Jake is bringing Sarah in and, as soon as she sees Bec, she tries to turn around and leave. “No, you don’t bitch. What the hell did my cousin get?” Charlotte is pissed I can’t blame her. I want to yell at her too. For some reason, I don’t think this was just a mistake.
“Key, there you are. Come on baby, let’s go.” Sarah looks to me, hoping I will save her, but that’s not going to fucking happen.
“Sarah, don’t be cute. What the hell was in the party favors tonight?” She just looks at me pouting. “Sarah!”
“Fine, okay, calm down. It’s not my fault she took some.” Sarah just stands there as if she actually believes it. “What was it tonight, Sarah?” I ask her, trying to sound sweet and unaffected.
“God, fine, it was GHB.” I want to scream at her, scare the living shit out of her but I have to remain calm if I want to get all I can out of her.
“Sarah, I get it. You just wanted her to have a right time, babe. She’s been down and you wanted her to have fun at the party.” I’m asking her something I already suspect. Jake and Charlotte are looking at me like I’ve lost my mind.
“Babe, you know me. I just wanted her to loosen up. She needed to have a little fun.” I don’t get the chance to do or say anything before I see Charlotte’s fist connect to Sarah’s face.
“You stupid bitch.” Sarah has a bloody lip and is walking towards Charlotte with a look that says this isn’t the end. “Sarah, enough.”
“Key, baby, she hit me.”
I am seething now. “Why, Sarah? Just tell me why you put it in her drink.” She takes a step back from Charlotte; I almost want her to go for Charlotte because I bet she would lay her ass out right here in this office.
“Why? Because she’s sniffing around what’s mine. I just wanted her to be out of the way for tonight so we could be together. You’re always looking at her and staring at her. I just wanted you to myself. She doesn’t get that you are mine. She didn’t get it then and she doesn’t get it now.”
I take a step, closing the difference between us. “So you drugged her to get her out of the way. What the fuck is wrong with you? Sarah, that’s low, even for you. I can’t look at you. I don’t want to see you! You get out of here before I change my mind and call the police and report you. I’m done with your crazy shit.”
“It’s all your fault that I had to do this. If you could just stop watching her and wanting her. What is it with that bitch that makes you all run to her? If you’d just let her go, I’d never have done this. So don’t be all high and mighty. She’s laying there because of you.” With that, Sarah storms out, leaving me with Jake and Charlotte.
“Keegan, we can’t tell Alec. He will tell her parents and she won’t survive being brought back home right now. I’m all she has right now and I’ve started some night classes.” Jake and I both wince at the dig Charlotte has just given both of us. “Can you guys get along and take care of her like she has tried to do for both of you. I will go and make sure Alec and Drake do not come looking for her tonight. Text me updates on her.” We both nod. It’s not as if we can disagree with her. Charlotte leaves us and I don’t even look at Jake. I walk up to the couch and lift her head softly and sit down, laying her head on my lap.
“This is all my fault. If I had been able to find her or stayed with her, this wouldn’t have happened. What if she hadn’t been able to find me?” Jake isn’t saying anything to me, not that I expected an answer. “Bec, please be okay.” If she isn’t… I can’t even think about that.
“Key, stop it. She found you at least you helped her. No matter how fucked up your head is, you didn’t turn you back on her.”
Something in his voice made me question what he was saying. I slip out from under her, resting her head back on the couch and come up behind Jake. “What’s that suppose to mean? Jake, what aren’t you saying?”
“She came down the stairs and she called out to me. I walked away.”
I don’t even think when he turns and looks at me.
I swing, going down with him.
My fist connects. Twice.
“Don’t stop, I deserve it.” I get off him.
“You are right, you do, but I figure my fists will hurt less than the guilt that you walked away when she needed you.”
“God, she will never forgive me for this. I just didn’t want to fight any more. It was killing me to be away from her and she just wouldn’t get it. I just walked away. I didn’t know she was in trouble. Fuck if I did. I’d never have walked away from her, no matter how hard it is to be close to her.”
I want to hit him again but I understand some of what he is saying.
“Jake, just go. I will take care of her. Just go, okay? I will take care of her. If you stay, I might beat the shit out of you. I won’t tell Alec or anyone else but you will have to tell Bec.” Jake looks hesitant about it but he knows he doesn’t have room to argue. I’m letting him off, but Alec won’t. He gets up and goes to her. I want to stop him but I just watch.
“Becca, I love you, please don’t hate me tomorrow.” He kisses her head and leaves without looking at me. “Call me if you need help. I’ll be back tomorrow to… talk to her.”
The party seems to have died down and I figure I should see if I could get her a bed upstairs somewhere. I open the door and check the hall. Going back into the office, I pick her up and carry her in my arms. To anyone she will just look asleep and tired. They will think she’s drunk. But that’s better than everyone thinking she’s been drugged. Making our way upstairs, no one really notices a
nything. I’m sure they are all thinking we are together still or again. Who knows? I don’t care what anyone thinks, as long as it’s not negative about Bec. Opening one of the doors, I find one of the first years on the team in the room getting hot and heavy against a chair in the corner. “Out.” He looks up and sees it’s me. No questions, he grabs his girl and leaves. I bring her to the bed and maneuver her in my arms so I can pull back the blankets. Putting her down, I go back and close the door locking it.
“What have I done?” I turn to see her in the bed looking so unlike the girl I’ve fallen in love with. Again… I think. I think I loved her before my accident. I’m sure of it and I love her now too. Looking at her like this, I can’t stop myself. I pull back the blankets on the other side and climb in with her. She may kill me tomorrow. But my fear that I will never remember holding her is overwhelming and this is my only chance. As I cuddle into her, I feel her heat against me. It feels normal, but it makes my heart beat faster. I bring her head and lay it on my chest. Her hand moves and she grabs onto my shirt. My heart stops. Maybe she’s waking up. I look down at her but she’s still out cold.
“Bec, please forgive me. I’m so sorry.” I bring my hand into her hair and she smells like home. My heart feels at home with her. The memories seem to be just within my reach but I can’t seem to get them back. My heart remembers this and her, but not my brain. Lowering my head to her, I kiss the top of her head. I’m overcome with these damn emotions. I don’t know what to do with them. I want to scream and yell at Sarah. But she was right. I am drawn to Bec, and I watch her constantly. I think about her always. Wondering if she’s different after the accident. Either way, I bet I would still love this girl.
“I love you, Bec. I’m so sorry this happened to you. If something had happened to you or if someone had done something to you… Fuck. I love you.” Holding her tightly, I cling to the hope that she will forgive me and that I won’t lose everything I am desperately craving. “I will do whatever it takes to be in your life, and I will never turn away from you. If you call or need me, I’m yours. Forever.”
I give into these fucking emotions. “Why can’t I remember you? Now you’re never going to want me. I need you Bec.” I continue thinking to myself how can God be this fucking cruel. To make me crave her, need her, but unable to remember the one thing I can’t seem to live without.
“I want you to wake up so badly, but if you do, you won’t let me hold you. That will fucking kill me. I already feel like I can’t breathe at the damn thought of not being like this with you ever again. Just give me a chance, Bec? My mind forgot you but my heart is dying to have you. I won’t get through losing you.” I can’t even remember what I’d be losing but I know it would be the death of me. I’d give anything to have her in my life still. Even if she never lets me touch her like this, even if I never remember her again, because I’d give up everything to see her happy. Even if that means it’s not with me.
The thought of her being with someone else is like a sharp knife into my heart. I want all of her. She already has all of me. I didn’t know it then but when I woke up, it was still all there. The thought of the fact that I’ve done something that ended up harming her and the fact that I know this is going to make her cry breaks me apart. It rips my heart wide open. The pain is unbearable. It continues to beat through the pain, even though I’d give anything to have it stop so that I could never cause this girl any more hurt.
The walls I’d built up so many years ago, the ones I have been desperately trying to keep up when she walked into my life and crashed into me, slowly break. I sob while cuddling into this girl who has taken over my heart without me knowing.
“I love you.” I just keep repeating it. While I let go of all the emotions I’m feeling, I try to enjoy this moment.
Because now I might lose her forever.
Chapter Fifteen
Becca
My eyes flutter open. I feel weird. My body is sluggish and stiff. My mind is frazzled and a bit foggy. Great. To deal with my feelings, I got hammered. Good Job, Becca. I begin to take in my surroundings while never moving.
Oh! Someone is in the bed with me. I’m lying on their chest. What did I do? What happened last night? Coming to bed with someone else, Becca? How pathetic can it get?
When my brain finally wakes up, I know the smell. My heart stops the racing it began as soon as I felt I wasn’t alone in the bed. Did we? I feel tears come to my eyes. Not again! Why can’t we have something beautiful that isn’t tainted. I move slightly and he stirs. Closing my eyes tightly, I pray, hoping he will think I’m still asleep and leave. Let me do this walk of shame without having to talk to him.
“Bec? Are you awake?” I still at the sound of his voice. Something is wrong with his tone, and it tells me this is about to get a lot worse.
“Keegan.” I go to pull away, to look at him, but he holds me still. “Just stay like this for a few minutes. Please just don’t leave. Just stay with me like this for a little bit longer. I’m not ready for everything to change yet.” Oh, Keegan. He brings his face down to me and brings his face into my hair, cradling me in his arms. He’s acting like I’m going to crash and break down. I begin to think he’s protecting me when I feel the wetness that just landed on my check. Keegan is crying. I want to pull away and beg him to talk to me but I know he needs this.
“Keegan, we will get through this. Whatever this is. I promise you.”
He squeezes me tightly and I feel him smelling my hair. Just as quickly as the peace has come over my heart with his closeness, he slips out from under me and is pacing in the room. “Keegan, I’m sorry. I must have had too much to drink. I’m sorry you had to take care of me. Forgive me for my drunken stupor.” I’m hoping he will lose some of the tension I see in him but this only makes him stiffen.
"Bec, don't. Please don't ask me to forgive you. Don't say you're sorry. I did this. This is entirely my fault. I want you to forgive me but I don't deserve it." Confirmation no longer needed. We had sex and now he knows I don’t remember. Why is our life so tragic that nothing can go right for us?
“Keegan. Please come here.” The desperation in my words is so apparent that he gives in without me having to beg him further. He comes back to the bed and sits beside me. He looks so crushed and so unlike the Keegan I met. I take a chance and crawl into his lap, laying my head on his chest. He wraps his arms around me, holding me tightly to him.
“This right here feels like home to me. You’re my home, Bec.” As much as his words warm my heart, it still breaks it when he calls me ‘Bec.’ I try to keep my voice from giving away the pain my heart is feeling right now. He needs me, I can feel it.
“Keegan, I’m not mad, I just wish I could remember what happened between us. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have done it without influence. I love you, Keegan, don’t be upset because you think I regret sleeping with you last night.” Before I can say anything, he’s out from under me, leaning with his back to me against the wall. He looks so distraught, I want to go to him but I feel it will only make things worse.
“Keegan. Please.” I just need him to look at me.
“Bec, no just please give me a minute.” Watching him suffer is tearing me apart. I watch him pace back and forth before sitting in a chair with his head in his hands.
“Bec, I need you to listen to me. Just let me say everything; let me get it all out. Because once I tell you everything you will hate me.” With that, I’m up from the bed kneeling beside him. I pull his hands from his face and place my hand on his face. He leans in and lightly kisses my hand while bringing his over top of mine. The heat from the contact in my hand would bring me to me knees had I not already been there. “Bec, you were drugged last night.”
I feel as if my world just crashed. I’m hoping the world will open up and swallow me. “How?” He just shakes his head at me. “I don’t remember anything, Keegan.” My breath begins to escape me. I am hyperventilating and losing control. My chest is pounding and a tight f
eeling has started closing in on my heart. “I can’t breathe.”
Keegan picks me up off the floor and carries me back to the bed. Being in this bed doesn’t help, with what happened in this bed. “Out, I can’t be in this bed.” Keegan looks at me with hurt eyes, and I see tears pooling in them.
“You think we had sex while I knew you were drugged?” I’m shaking my head because I know he would never let that happen, if he knew what he’s saying.
“Did someone…” I crack and I’m overcome with tears cascading down my face.
“No, Bec, you tried to get help. You found me but just as you did, you collapsed. No one… raped you. I was with you all night. You were asleep all night. I stayed awake until I knew you were in the clear.”
The pain on his face is still evident, and I don’t understand. “Why would I hate you for taking care of me? You saved me. What if I hadn’t found you?” Looking into his eyes, he sits next to me on the bed. I see the tears he’s tried so hard to keep at bay sliding down his cheeks.
“I asked myself that a million times last night. What if you didn’t get to me? What if someone had done something to you?” Keegan is shattered.
“But it didn’t. I was safe because of you.”
“Don’t thank me, Bec. The drugs where my fault.” He won’t look at me and I’m stunned.
Wait?
What? Is he telling me he did this to me?
“Keegan… are you telling me you drugged me, on purpose?” The fear that I may be in a room with someone who has done this to me begins to take hold of me. He says nothing. He just sits there. I get up from the bed and his head falls into his hands.
“KEEGAN! Are you saying that you, unbeknownst to me, gave me drugs?” I’m screaming now. Why would he do this to me? The tears are falling down my face at an alarming rate. If I weren’t so angry I would be in the corner cowering. He gets up to come and try to comfort me. He goes to hug me and I start fighting him, screaming and pounding my fists on his chest.
The Broken Girl (Lonely Girl Book 2) Page 8