Chapter Eleven
Janny
The wall is cold and smooth under my palms; my forehead is cushioned on my arm while I try to catch my breath. What the fuck just happened? How did I go from annoyed and angry with Kyle to having him buried inside me? And why did I have to enjoy it so much? Shame washes over me.
He presses a soft kiss on the back of my shoulder. “I love you,” he whispers in my ear and hearing those words – words I never thought I’d hear him say again, has me squeezing my eyes shut, fighting off the tears that want to fall. I don’t tell him I love him. I don’t tell him I love him more than anything and I always will. I don’t say anything at all, because if I try to speak right now I know I’ll burst into tears.
He hands me my torn shirt and I retreat into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I lean both hands on the counter and study my reflection in the mirror. My red lips are swollen from his kisses and my breasts are covered with burn marks from his stubble. Love bites mark my neck in more than one place and there are bruises on the front of my hipbones from where his fingers were gripping while he thrust into me. Just thinking about it has me wanting him again and I’m disgusted with myself. What just happened was a huge mistake. I was just starting to feel better about him being out of my life and now I’m going to have to start all over again. But it’s going to be even worse because he remembers me. I stare at my own sad eyes in the mirror and I know what needs to be done.
I grab my black robe off the back of the door, wrap it around me and cinch the knot at the waist tight and tell myself I can do this. When I walk back into the living room, Kyle is standing in front of the windows looking out over the sunset. The New York City skyline is painted in pinks, oranges and purple swirls of color. It’s a beautiful reminder of how much I like being here and how I need to remain here for my internship.
“I want you to leave now,” I blurt out.
He looks at me, the surprise clearly showing on his face and I continue before he can try to sway me.
“I like being here and I don’t want to come back to Boston yet. I like the person I’m becoming without you in my life. What just happened with us isn’t going to change anything.”
He cuts me off. “How can you say that when it’s already changed? I remember everything. There’s nothing keeping us apart now.”
If only it were that simple.
“Just because you remember us, doesn’t mean everything goes back to the way it was. You threw me away. You hurt me and I’m not going to give you the opportunity to do it again.”
I can’t ever go through that again. I don’t want to love anyone like I love him. I won’t ever love anyone else like I love him.
He steps toward me, his arms outstretched, and I take a step backward. I hold my hand up in front of me and shake my head. “Don’t. Please don’t make this harder than it already is for me. If you love me like you say you do, then I know you want me to be happy. Being here, working this job, is making me happy. We had our time and it was better than anything I’d ever imagined.” The tears I’ve been holding back slip out of my eyes and run down my cheeks. “But now it’s over and we need to move on,” I whisper. “I’ve already started to move on.”
“Yeah, I noticed,” he says with a scowl.
“I’m not talking about Zack. He’s just a friend – a co-worker. I’m talking about the bigger picture, Kyle. I’m moving on with my life; with my career. It’s time for you to do the same.” I chew on my bottom lip and wait for him to say something. He stares at me, our eyes locked on each other and I can’t find the strength to look away from him knowing these are the final moments for us.
When will I see him again?
Will I ever see him again?
The thought of this being the last time we’re together almost has me throwing myself against him and telling him I don’t mean it, but I must be strong enough for both of us. He doesn’t know what he wants.
I walk toward the door and take a deep breath before I turn around. When I do, he surprises me with how close he is. He leans forward like he’s moving in for a kiss. “This isn’t over.” He gestures between us. “We aren’t over.” He’s so close I can feel the heat of his breath on my lips. “You can tell yourself you’re happy being here if you want; it doesn’t make it true. I’ll be back soon and maybe by then you’ll realize there is no end to what we have. It’s forever.”
Once he’s gone, I burst into tears. I turn and lean back against my solid front door before sinking down to the floor. I draw my knees up and rest my head on them, while I continue to sob for all that we lost and can never get back.
* * *
I can hear the sounds of their fucking through the connecting wall and it’s making my stomach turn. Knowing what they’re doing is driving me insane. I have to see it for myself – even though the mere thought has me enraged. I swipe the monitoring app on my phone and type in the necessary commands. I had her apartment wired for cameras before she moved in. I knew I’d want to see what my precious girl is up to.
Her living room comes up on the small screen. When I see his filthy hands on her – his dick inside her, I want to kill him.
Rage consumes me.
My body is rigid with it.
My blood pumps through my veins so forcefully I can feel it.
I clench my teeth together to suppress the urge to shout.
My fingers are squeezed tight to my palms to keep me from gutting him like the pig he is.
How dare he touch her?
How dare he taint her, defile her?
I restrain myself by thinking how he deserves a long, slow, painful death. I want to drag it out, making it as horrific as possible. I’m going to watch the blood slowly seep out of his body; watch the life slowly leave his eyes and then she’ll be mine. I want her to watch me do it.
Soon there will be no secrets between us.
* * *
Monday morning inevitably comes and after the last two days of non-stop crying and sleepless nights, I’m glad for the distraction of being at work all day.
“Morrison & Sons is currently working on an ad campaign for a company that produces eco-friendly cleaning products.” Zack stands in front of my team, totally relaxed, no different than usual. “Even though there’s been a big shift toward using these environmentally safe products, many of the older, larger companies still dominate in sales. We have to find the most creative way to present Green Life and since it’s such a large account, Edwin is having me run this project.” He smiles at the cheers and applause that erupts in the room, before continuing. “Green Life has hired us to do an ad campaign that will spread across all media outlets. Obviously, our target audience are women – men don’t clean.” He smirks at the jeers and boos all the women in the room throw his way.
“Just kidding, ladies.” He winks at me and I feel my face flush. “Seriously though, our target audience is the average housewife with children. Keep that in mind when you’re working on your mock-ups.” He picks up a tablet from the boardroom table and reads off a list of names, telling each person what they’ll be working on – each person except me. When he finishes, he puts the tablet back down on the table and glances my way.
“Janny, you’ll be working on the infomercial with me.” I nod my head in acknowledgement while I wonder if he chose me for this assignment or if Edwin did.
“Everyone get with the people you’re teaming up with and start to brainstorm. I’ve sent you all emails with an attachment containing all the information you need about the Green Life products.”
My co-workers bustle about until they’ve broken into the groups Zack mentioned. I remain where I am and wait for him to come over. He pulls out the vacant chair beside mine and lowers into it.
“How’s it going, Janny?” he asks with his ever-present smirk on his lips. It’s hard for me to imagine him ever being serious. He seems to have fun no matter what he’s doing. I really like that about him.
“Hi Zack. It’s Mond
ay. How good can it possibly be?” I take a sip of water from the bottle in front of me and act like having him next to me doesn’t bother me at all. I’m not sure what it is about him that sets me on edge.
“How do you feel about working on this infomercial with me? Are you up for the challenge?” He looks serious for a moment when he studies my face.
“I’m looking forward to working with you. Isn’t that why I’m here – to learn as much as I can?”
He pats me on the arm. “Great attitude. I knew you were the right choice for the internship.”
Did he have something to do with me getting this job? I know Edwin said he chose me, but now I’m wondering how much Zack weighed in on the final selection.
* * *
We spend the next few hours hashing out a list of ideas that could work for the infomercial, and by the end of the work day we’ve narrowed it down to the three best ones. Working with Zack has been easy and he’s extremely knowledgeable. He has great ideas and he helped me see the bigger picture of what we need to accomplish with this infomercial. I think it has the potential to be amazing, it’s just going to take a lot of work to get it there.
“Okay, everyone wrap it up and get out of here. Let’s meet back here at one o’clock tomorrow,” Zack announces. The sounds of laptops closing and papers being shuffled surrounds me while I place all my things away in my briefcase.
“I’ll want to see at least two solid ideas from each team. Work on your mock-ups between now and then,” he says, wrapping his knuckles on the wood of the table marking the end of his statement, like punctuation at the end of a sentence.
I slide the strap of my briefcase up my shoulder and push the chair in. I smile. “See you tomorrow, Zack.”
He places his hand on my arm. “Where are you rushing off to? I was hoping we could grab dinner together.” He stares down at me, his light blue eyes are trying to persuade me to go, even though I know I shouldn’t. He’s my boss on this project and one of the higher-ups in the company. It’s probably not a good idea to spend more time with him.
He notices my indecision. “Come on. You have to eat and I’ve been told I’m good company.” He nudges me with his arm. “Do you really want to cook dinner?” He does have a point. It would be nice to have someone to talk to and I don’t feel like making anything tonight.
I nod, “Okay, let’s go.” He grabs his briefcase and puts his hand on my back to usher me in front of him. The heat of his palm is hot on my skin through the thin blouse I’m wearing. His touch is gentle, the opposite of Kyle’s firm, possessive one.”
Once we’re outside, Zack grabs my hand, pulling me in the opposite direction of my apartment. After a couple of steps, he lets go and I breathe a sigh of relief. I was about to pull away and didn’t want it to be awkward. We walk in silence, dodging other people here and there along the crowded sidewalk. It’s only a few minutes more before he stops me with his hand on my arm.
“This is it; best NY-style pizza around.” He opens the door for me and gestures for me to enter. Once I’m inside I inhale deeply taking in the spicy aroma of sauce and the comforting smell of freshly baked bread. My stomach rumbles in anticipation once we’re seated by the hostess. The waitress immediately comes over to take our order before hustling off. My eyes scan around the relaxed atmosphere of the dimly-lit interior and once again I’m taken by surprise with Zack’s choice. I glance at him sitting across from me and find him smiling in my direction.
“What?” I ask, feeling self-conscious. Can he see me salivating over the thought of biting into the hot, cheesy pizza?
“You’re adorable,” he says. I look away, not comfortable being the focus of his attention. I’ve never been good about accepting compliments. It makes me realize at the ripe age of almost twenty-three I still haven’t gotten over the social awkwardness of talking to a hot guy.
“So, tell me about yourself. We’ve been out a few times now and we’ve never really talked about Janny Moore.” He rubs his hands together like I’m going to spill some juicy secrets and I smile.
“There’s not much to tell, I’m pretty boring.” I shrug my shoulders and take a sip of the water the waitress left on the table.
“I don’t think that’s true. I can see hundreds of secrets in those big blue eyes of yours. Tell me one thing about yourself.” I place my hands in my lap and think about what there is to tell.
“I’m from Massachusetts.”
“I already know that from your intern application. Tell me something I wouldn’t already know.”
I chew on my bottom lip and try to decide what to share... something not too personal. My leg bounces nervously under the table. “My best friend, Elle, is the funniest person I know. Being away from her is hard for me. She and I are polar opposites, but we just work. You’d like her.” I nod my head, thinking about how much he’d probably like her. “You’d probably fall in love with her – most guys do.” I smile, thinking of Elle and all her crazy antics.
“Is she blonde like you?” he asks, an eyebrow raised.
“No, she has dark brown hair and brown eyes. We don’t look anything alike.”
“I prefer blondes with blue eyes,” he says with a wink. I flush and look down at my lap.
“Tell me about this ex-boyfriend of yours? I didn’t ask you the other day, but is he the guy who showed up at work?”
Can we talk about something else please; anything else? My hands clench in my lap and my nails dig into my palms while I act as if his question doesn’t bother me. “Yes, that was my ex, Kyle.” Saying his name is painful for me. Thinking about him all the time is exhausting, and living without him is the hardest part of all. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it. I don’t want to get used to it because that’ll mean I no longer care about him and I don’t want to ever stop loving Kyle McKenzie.
The waitress places the large, steaming sheet of pizza down on the table and hands us some extra napkins. I’m thankful for the interruption. I don’t want this night to be about my problems.
Zack places a slice of pizza on my plate and his hand is barely gone before I grab it.
“Watch out for your fingers,” I joke.
* * *
We walk slowly toward my apartment, me lost in thoughts of Kyle, and Zack texting on his phone. My stomach is stuffed with the ungodly amount of food I ate and all I want to do is get these tight pants off.
“Sorry about that. Duty calls,” he says, pushing his phone into his front pocket.
“I just realized I’ve never asked you where you’re from?” My eyes are focused on where we’re headed, only another block to go.
“I’m actually from Massachusetts. I grew up in Boston. I went to NYU for college and stayed here when I was done.”
“Are your parents still there?” I ask. I like learning more about him.
A look of sadness passes over his face. “My mom is, but my dad passed away a few years ago.”
I reach over and squeeze his hand for a moment. “What happened to him?”
“He died in an accident.”
“Zack, I’m so sorry to hear that. I lost both of my parents, so I do know what it’s like, if you ever want to talk about it.”
He’s quiet, lost in his thoughts, when we arrive at my building. I rub his arm and regret calling up such sad memories for him.
“Are you going to be okay?” I ask, studying his face.
He looks down at me and gives me a small closed-lipped smile. “I’ll be fine. It just never seems to get easier, no matter how much time passes.”
I wrap my arms around his waist and rest my face on the soft fabric of his shirt. His arms pull me close, one around my waist and the other across my shoulder blades. My breasts are pressed against his chest and the scent of his cologne surrounds me. It reminds me of a forest full of trees or fresh cut grass. Being held by him is nice, but it doesn’t give me the same comfort and security I get from Kyle’s arms. I pull back, glancing up at him.
“Do you want
to come in for a drink?”
He releases me from his hold and nods. “Yeah, I’d like that.”
Seeing this vulnerable side of Zack makes me realize he’s so much deeper than I imagined. Sometimes the people who smile the most are hurting the worst.
We take the elevator up to my floor and while I unlock the door to my apartment, my stomach has a flutter of unease in it. Bringing a guy I don’t really know that well to my place isn’t something I’d normally do. But this is Zack.
“Beer or wine?” I ask, dropping my keys on the small table just inside the door. I kick off my shoes and sigh with relief. Having my feet crammed into heels all day is not something I can ever get used to.
“Beer, please.” He walks across the room to the row of windows and gazes out, his hands in his pockets. I grab a beer from the fridge and pour myself a glass of red wine. I walk over to him and while we stand shoulder to shoulder I’m reminded of the other day when Kyle was here. Tonight, will have a much different outcome.
“I don’t think I could ever tire of this view,” I say. The sun is setting over the city and the explosion of vibrant colors mixed with the skyline is something an artist could never accurately capture on canvas. Although, I’m sure Josh would be up for the challenge. “Let’s sit down. My feet are killing me.” He laughs and we settle down onto the couch.
“Why do you women insist on being uncomfortable? It seems crazy to me to wear anything that’s painful.”
“I know, but it’s more important to look good than feel good,” I say, sounding crazy to my own ears. “It sounds ridiculous now that I’ve said it. I may have to rethink my views on this.” I giggle.
The Complete Quake Series Page 17