by MP John
“Wh.aa..? Did you say something?”
She had barely heard most of what Dr. Reese was saying to her. She was too distressed to think. She wasn’t in the best frame of mind to be making life changing decisions for her and the baby she was carrying—Will’s child. She was confused—her mind was racing a mile a minute—she wasn’t thinking straight. In fact, she wasn’t thinking at all. She grabbed her handbag off the floor, mumbled something to Dr. Reese and fled the room.
She hurried through the spacious halls, completely unaware of the curious stares coming her way from the people sitting in the large waiting room, and from the secretaries out front. She ran outside and stood in a far corner of the long hallway, close to the elevators, with her back up against the wall and tried to catch her breath.
This couldn’t have happened to her at a worst possible time. She was carrying the child of a man who had pushed her from his life—a man she had been struggling for months to get over—get out of her system and heart, and now she had something of his that was going to tie them together for the rest of their lives. They now have an unbreakable bond—a child they created together.
Goodness! She couldn’t believe she was having a baby. In about six months or so, she would be responsible for another person, a tiny helpless human being who would be depending on her to love, feed, clothe and shelter him or her for a very long time. Heavens, she couldn’t even take care of herself the way she should.
She wasn’t certain she was up for this very important task at hand. She wasn’t even certain what type of mother she would be. She never had the privilege of having one growing up. Aunt Beth was the closest she had come to having a mother, but it hadn’t been the same as having someone around who you knew gave birth to you.
She loved children—she was godmother to two of her friends’ kids back in Montana, and some day she wanted a couple—well about three or four of her own, but not this way. She wasn’t ready. Damn Will, she thought. Damn him for getting her pregnant and then leaving her. None of this would have happened if he hadn’t insisted they made love that weekend.
Now she realized how selfish he was. He had thought only of himself and his needs at the time. And after, he had conveniently left her to do what he wanted. But she didn’t have such liberties, especially now. She couldn’t just walk away from her responsibilities. She had a baby to think of now. She had to deal with what was going on in her life—alone.
It was then that the full reality of her situation struck her, and she began to cry. She stepped inside the waiting elevator and pressed the button to the parking garage with shaking fingers. Thankfully there was no one else taking the elevator with her. She was alone, and she made no attempt to stop sobbing or to wipe away the tears that were running freely down her face. When she got to the garage, she found her car, got inside and cried some more.
Then she sat there for another forty, maybe fifty minutes, not entirely certain what to do next. Under normal circumstances, she would be celebrating—calling everyone she knew, including Will to give them the good news. She would have been on her way to meet Will, either at his office or at a restaurant so that that they could share in this very precious moment together. But none of that was going to happen now.
She had planned on going back to work after her appointment, but she decided not to. She didn’t think she was up to facing anyone, especially her students, and certainly not the inquisitive women she worked with. They would take one look at her face and knew right away that something was going on with her. And she couldn’t tell them what it was. She worked with those women, but they weren’t exactly her trusted friends. She had seen the way they gossiped about each other. She doubted she could count on their discretion or support if she told them about the baby.
She reached for her cell phone in her handbag and dialed the number for Ellington. Marva, the regular secretary was off sick for the week, and she left a message with the woman who was replacing her. She needed time alone to deal with this news and her emotions. She needed to think and to consider all her options, although she wasn’t exactly certain what those were. She wasn’t a selfish person, but having a child wasn’t exactly something she wanted to do at this point in her life.
She knew she wasn’t exactly a teenager, but she still had her whole life ahead of her—there were lots of things she wanted to do—places she wanted to go. She was going to South America with her students during the summer to volunteer for six weeks. And she, Kat and the other girls were planning a girls’ getaway to Aspen for an entire week in December. They had already paid a huge down payment on a place.
She wouldn’t be able to do any of those things, anymore, not with a baby on the way, and to take care of after. She would have given birth in December, and by the summer she would have a baby to take care of. She couldn’t just leave him or her for six weeks and go to Peru with her students. She was looking forward to that trip, but now she would have to cancel it.
Then she thought of Will. She wasn’t certain he was ready or even wanted to be a father, either. They had never talked about kids, much less marriage. She would be an unwed mother—a single mother doing it alone, like so many others. She didn’t think she had what it take to raise a child on her own.
She gasped at the possibly, and a new set of tears sprung to her swollen eyes. She never wanted it to be like this, not if she could have helped it. It wouldn’t be fair to the child either. She had grown up without her parents, through no fault of theirs, and it had left a huge void and longing in her heart up to this day.
She had always wondered what it would be like to have a relationship with her mother and father, equally. Now her baby would be in a similar situation—he or she wouldn’t have a father around. And she blamed herself. She didn’t understand how she could have let this happen to her. It wasn’t like she was an irresponsible teenager having unprotected sex. She was an educated woman who should have known better. She knew about the risks—she should have been more careful.
She took deep breaths and reached for the bottle of water in her handbag. It was no use beating herself up over something that had already happened. She was pregnant—that was the plain and simple fact—there was a life growing inside her, and she had to find a way to deal with it on her own.
She couldn’t get in touch with Will now and tell him about the baby after she had been trying to avoid him for months. She doubted he would embrace the news of her pregnancy. She was certain that having a baby with her wasn’t exactly on his personal agenda at this time. He had made that perfectly clear when he broke up with her, that no one, including her was going to stand in his way of success.
Anyway, she still had time to decide what she wanted to do. She remembered Dr. Reese had said something about her having choices. She wasn’t certain she had any. She would never terminate her pregnancy or put the baby up for adoption. Getting pregnant may not have been what she wanted at this point and time in her life, especially now that she was single, but she would never abort or abandon her baby. She was going to have this baby, even if she had to do it alone. The baby was part of her now—a living breathing part of her, and she was going to do everything in her power to love and protect it, with or without Will.
Thirteen
“Ave, are you one hundred percent certain you want to do this? You are moving away, for heavens sake. Are you sure you don’t want to think about it, for another couple of days at least?” Kat asked, as she moved carefully around the stack of boxes on the floor.
“Sorry, Kat, but I can’t change my mind now. Everything has already been arranged. I leave tomorrow,” Avery told Kat, and handed her the dishes she had just wrapped in paper.
“So, there’s nothing I can possibly say or do to make you stay?”
“Nope. But you are making me feel guilty about leaving.”
“If you are worried about Will finding out about the baby, you don’t have to. He wouldn’t hear about it from me—your secret is safe. Josh doesn’t know anythin
g yet, but if and when he finds out, he has a right to respect your privacy and keep his mouth shut. I’m just worried about you packing up and moving hundreds of miles away. I wouldn’t get to see you. I wouldn’t know how you are doing. And talking on the phone isn’t the same thing as seeing you in person. You can always say you are okay, when you are not.”
“I will be fine, Kat. And, I’m not doing this because of Will, well, not entirely. I’m doing this for me, and the baby, of course. I want him or her to grow up in a different environment—fresh country air, parks, lots of open space to run around—not in an apartment here. I want the baby to experience what it was like for me growing up.”
“I understand that, but I still wish you would reconsider, Ave,” Kat said, giving Avery a serious look. “I know you said you have family there, but you have hardly said a word about them lately,” Kat said, putting the last of the dishes she was wrapping in bubble wrap into the box and taping it shut.
“I guess they are busy with their lives. But it will be different when I get there.”
“As long as you are certain they will look out for you.”
“Don’t worry, they will.”
Kat came over and sat on one of the stack of boxes that were already packed and sitting in the middle of the living room floor ready to go. Avery was shipping them to Kalispell in the morning—the moving company she had hired was coming at seven.
“I can’t change my mind now, even if I want to,” Avery tried to explain. “I have already given up my job at the college, and new tenants are moving in here next week. And I start a new job at the community college in two weeks. I can’t call and tell them that I’ve changed my mind about the job. It may be only for the summer semester, but I have to make a good impression if I want them to consider me for a full time position later on. And I wouldn’t be entirely alone. I still have friends I grew up with living there, though most of them are married with kids of their own. Besides, I have only been gone for two years—I don’t think much have changed since then. It’s really important for me that the baby be around family when its born.”
“I still don’t like that you are moving away,” Kat told her with a stubborn frown. “And, hey, I consider myself family. Don’t you forget that.”
“Yes, you are—and I love you for it,” Avery told her friend with a huge grin, and reached over to hugged her. “Ideally, I would love to stay, Kat, but there’s not much left for me here.”
“You are talking about Will, aren’t you?” Kat looked at her.
Avery avoided Kat’s knowing stare. “I think going back to Montanan is the best thing for me right now. Besides, you can come and visit us any time. You are Aunty Kat, remember.” Avery smiled at her friend.
Kat hugged her. “I will miss you so much, Ave. But are you certain you don’t want to tell Will about the baby? He has a responsible to help take care of his child. You don’t want to be a single parent, Ave. It’s brutal. My parents divorced when I was seven, and Mom had a really difficult time talking care of us. Amy, Thomas and I, saw Dad a couple times a year, and it was an emotional roller coaster for us. He paid child support sporadically, sometimes not at all. Everything was on Mom. She tried to hold it together for us most of the times, but she was human—she lost it sometimes.”
“Oh, my god, Kat, that must have been terrible for all of you. I didn’t know your parents divorced when you were that young.”
“It’s not something I like to talk about. It wasn’t a very happy part of my childhood. Thomas was six at the time and Amy was just three. It took a huge toll on all of us. I’m not trying to scare you or anything, Ave, but having this baby without help is huge. It’s a very big commitment—a full time job that you don’t get a nice vacation from.”
“I wish I was having this baby with Will, Kat,” Avery said on the verge of tears, her hand resting longingly on her stomach. “God, I wish more than anything that he was here with me, but he isn’t.” She gazed at the huge pile of boxes—her life for the last two and a half years. “Will made the choice to leave. I can’t force him to be somewhere he doesn’t want to. And from what I know, he has already moved on with his life.”
“I’m sure he wouldn’t just abandon you if he knew about the baby, Ave,” Kat reassured her, in an effort to make her see things differently. “He isn’t that type of person. I have never known Will to skip out on his responsibilities. He’s very honorable when it comes to doing the right thing. I’m certain if he knows you are carrying his child he would rush to your side in no time. He’s a Chandler, Ave. He would die before he lets anything happens to his child or you.”
“I really don’t know that, Kat.”
“I think you should let him know, Ave, but that decision is still entirely up to you. But remember that you aren’t alone. I will support you one way or the other. You have friends who care about you. We will be there with you every step of the way, which is why I wished you were here, and not moving all the way to Montana. Don’t hesitate to call me if you need anything, and I mean anything.”
“I will. Thank you, Kat. You have been an amazing friend, all the way. I want you to come for a visit as soon as I’m settled.”
“You can bet on it.”
Avery hugged Kat, then got up and went to the fridge for the last of the whole grain bread, and turkey slices to make herself a sandwich. It was past lunch time and she was suddenly hungry. “Do you want anything?” she asked Kat, as she searched the almost empty fridge to see what else she had there. She grabbed the mayonnaise and bottle of pickle and took them to the counter.
“No, I’m on a cleanse this week, strictly liquid for the next four days.”
Avery laughed. “Wow! Sorry I can’t do it with you this time.” She pointed to her baby bump.
“Considered yourself lucky,” Kat told her with a sarcastic laugh. “I hate not being able to eat what I want, but fitting into my clothes is even better. When you work in the fashion industry, you have to maintain a certain look if you want to be taken seriously. Unfortunately, I’m not blessed with your good genes, Ave. I can’t eat whatever I want and get away with it.”
Kat got up and brushed off the back of her jeans. “Well, you are all packed and ready to go. That was the last of it.” She pointed to the box at her feet. “I will be here at twelve tomorrow afternoon to drive you to the airport.’
“Thank you, Kat, for everything. You have been marvelous,” Avery told Kat, as she walked her to the front door.
“Get some rest. I will call you later to see how you are doing. Are you sure you don’t want to spend the night at our place. We have plenty of room. You wouldn’t even know that we are there.”
“No, I will be fine here. I still have my bed. And I have a few more last minute things to do around here before I leave. I want to leave the apartment decent for the new tenants.”
“You shouldn’t be doing that. That’s the landlord responsibility. Just be careful. Call me if you change your mind about sleeping over. I will come and get you. Well, I’m off to meet Anton, my fitness trainer for my brutal workout. He hates it when I’m late. He thinks I’m cutting in on his time with his other clients. He could be such a jerk at times, but he’s good and in demand. Most of his clientele are trophy wives on the Upper East Side. Anyway, off I go—wish me luck. I don’t know how much more of this grueling exercise routine my poor body can take.”
“You don’t need it, Kat. I don’t know why you keep pushing yourself the way you do.”
“Oh, Ave, I wish that was true, then I definitely would skip these grueling sessions that are costing me a fortune. I can’t afford to put on a pound or an inch.” Kat laughed, as she hugged Avery goodbye.
Avery closed the door and went and sat on a box to finish her sandwich. She couldn’t believe this was the end of her journey in New York. It seemed like it was only months before that she had said goodbye to Aunt Beth at the airport, got on a plane and arrived here to take the job at Ellington. Now, she was going back to where
it had all started for her—she was going home.
Avery would not deny that she has had an amazing and unforgettable time in New York, experiences she wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. She had been fortunate enough to have had a job she enjoyed. And she had gone back to school and got her master’s degree in education from Columbia, fitting in the required courses and thesis into her busy schedule.
And meeting Will and falling in love with him hadn’t been all been bad for her. It had been the highlight of her life here. She had fallen in love for the very first time. And although the relationship hadn’t quite turned out the way she would have loved it to, it had given her a child she knew was conceived in love. This baby would be a constant reminder of what she and Will once shared.
And she had most definitely grown as a person since she got here. She wasn’t the same naive young woman who had arrived in the city late one July evening looking to conquer the world. She also didn’t have an ounce of regret about leaving the life she had made here behind. Of course, she would miss the incredible friendships she had made here, especially with Kat, and Jules, but she was happy to move on. She was moving onto something completely new and wonderful—she was tackling the next phase in her life, motherhood, one of the most important jobs in the world by far.