I sat down on the couch and pressed my fist against my chest. So much pressure was there and it hurt. Why did I do that to him? To make it easier to cloud my guilt with meanness? No, I was truly bad and for the first time in my descent into the wicked, I let my mind swallow me whole. The pain came first and all the guilt. Ryan wasn’t the only person I destroyed, even before Fear came to me, I had already destroyed countless families as a poltergeist, but I wasn’t hiding behind Fear anymore and I was accepting all the things I’ve done. Ryan just stood out more than the rest, from the very moment I climbed atop his broken body—also because of me—in that hospital and set him on the path that forced him into an eternity as Fear. Maybe it was because I thought he was an idiot for getting himself into this mess over a girl—he could have stayed away, but he wouldn’t. And even then, her life was still the most important to him and that had the woman in me trapped away in a childlike ghost body thinking… ah, so guys like him exist?
So, yeah, even then, Ryan engraved something in me that would haunt me all these centuries.
Next came the tears. Damn, they were a lot. Those were the first tears I’ve released since the last time I cried for Mom the night we both died. I could have saved myself from this pain right now if I would have walked into my afterlife and forgot all my worries, but I clung to my hatred and anger… and even so, I found myself understanding that I’d repeat the same mistakes all other again, even the ones against Ryan, because all the things I’ve done has led me to here, right now with him and even the guilt, couldn’t wash away how much I wanted to keep him.
If that made me the cruelest bitch to ever walk the Underworld and human world, so be it.
_______
I held the vial in my hand, twisting it around as I watched the clear liquid move from side to side. Even this vial no longer held the same meaning. My intentions kept shifting while I was here. Fear no longer felt like my enemy, but I also didn’t feel like sharing Ryan with him. All Ryan’s anguish was because of the monster, yet…
Fear wasn’t hurting me or exacting revenge on me like I had thought. He was different than who I knew him to be…
Why did he merge with Ryan? Why did the question suddenly feel urgent? I had my own suspicions about the why he chose Ryan…. But the bigger question was why I was even trying so hard to figure out the monster… I was my own demon, I didn’t want to deal with another.
Now that I thought about it, I should be mortified that I let Ryan use Fear’s tail… I shoved the vial back between the mattresses and placed my face into my palms and sighed. I didn’t know what I was doing, but above all, I needed to tell Ryan. If I hoped to stay next to him in any possible way, he needed to know before Melanie saw me and revealed my identity. My skin crawled when I thought of the possibility of her fading into Ryan’s house instead of Killian.
She’d remember me. She’d ruin everything, and she had every right after everything I did.
I was on my feet, hurrying from the room. My body had a will of its own, but I knew what it was doing and where it was taking me. I grabbed the portal chip off the counter—my chest tightened, Ryan never once tried to hide it from me—and gripped it tight in my palm. I took a deep, solid breath and ported in front of Melanie and Grim’s castle. It was showy and dark and mysterious, completely suited for the two. I would never be like them, nor did I want to, but they still managed to somehow make someone like me feel a hint of respect for everything they were and did as God’s entities.
I knew there was a chance Ryan was in there, so I stood outside and waited, too afraid that I’d ruin it all by running into him and her together. I didn’t know how long I stood out there before Killian faded in front of me. I was nervous and scared as hell, but I didn’t show it. He cocked his head to the side like he was trying to figure me out. “There is something about you, isn’t there?” he asked me.
I had no idea what he was referring to. “Looking for Ryan?” he asked another question.
I might have turned ghostly pale at the mention of Ryan. “I don’t want him to know I’m here,” I said quickly. “I need to see Melanie without him being there.”
“What are you up to?” He stepped toward me and I fought my instinct to back away.
“Nothing,” I retorted, “but you’ll know everything soon enough if you bring me to Melanie without Ryan being there.” I waited a few seconds before I grew desperate. “Please, I need to see her. It’s important.”
His eyes darkened. “If you so much as touch her—”
“—she’s gonna wanna kill me,” I interrupted, placing my shaky hands behind my back hidden from view. I wasn’t afraid of her, but by doing this, I was placing everything into her hands. She could ruin any chance I had at Ryan’s forgiveness if she decided to run and tell him. That was why I needed to see her before that happened and if she still chose to, there was nothing I could do. THAT was why it was so damn scary, but facing her first seemed a lot less frightening than telling Ryan. I was being a coward, I knew, but only because I knew Ryan couldn’t care for me like I did him, so if I further crushed what little he might care for me, then I’d lose him.
“Ryan’s been gone a while after what we told him about his sister—”
“What news?” I interrupted him again.
He arched a brow. “I’m getting this feeling you might care for Ryan...”
I shrugged my shoulders. “He’s hard not to like.”
That earned me a smile. He turned and beckoned me to follow him. “I can’t wait to see what this is all about,” he said while my insides churned in response.
I didn’t make it three steps into their ballroom before I was thrown against the wall. I didn’t have time to rub my throbbing head, I was too worried about getting on my feet, but even then, Melanie had her scythe pressed against my neck when I stood. She pressed me into the wall, a murderous glare planted against her pretty features. “I take it you know her?” Killian asked her at ease.
“Mind telling me why you let Molly step into our home like she didn’t hand deliver me to the Devil himself.”
“Molly—” Killian went from startled, eyes widening into a hard stare aimed my way that fell into recognition as he pieced together the ghost I had once been. “She’s been here for days.” He threw me to the tiger, the almighty Grim Reaper succumbing to his wife’s will. Melanie had a talent for making men love her.
“What!” She glared at him then aimed it back at me.
“She’s the one I told you about that’s been staying with Ryan—”
“I came to tell you myself—”
She sliced my throat open and stepped away. I clutched my throat and dropped to my knees, then—
I sucked in a lungful of air when I came back to life. She squatted next to me waiting for my revival and I quickly pressed my face off the floor and met her eyes. “I deserved that,” I told her, waiting to see if she was going to let me talk or kill me again.
“Feel better now?” Killian asked, standing next to her. “I’d like to know what the hell she’s doing here.”
Melanie sighed. “What are you trying to do with Ryan?”
“Nothing!” I snapped. “Fear was the one that marked me and brought me here. Believe me I would have stayed far away from the three of you if he hadn’t known it was me.”
“I knew there was a reason,” Killian said.
“Makes sense.” Melanie scowled at me. “After everything you’ve done, I’d stay away too.”
“Does he know who you are?” Killian asked.
“Of course, he doesn’t,” Melanie answered. “There’s no way he’d let her stay if he knew.” Her words only reminded me of all the reasons why I didn’t want to tell him.
“That’s why I came to you first,” I spoke calmly, trying to sound at ease. “I was afraid of you seeing me and telling him who I was—”
She scoffed. “And you think I’m not going to tell him now?”
“I can’t stop you from telling him, but I came
to tell you first, so that I could have the chance to tell him—on my own terms,” I said, voice painfully low.
She stood and placed her scythe against my throat. “What are you and Fear up to?” she asked and as bad as it pissed me off, I knew everything I’ve done to her in the past warranted this kind of behavior from her. “I won’t let you hurt him.”
I stood and her scythe stayed against my throat as I did. “I don’t want to hurt him,” I swore. “I don’t have any plans with Fear. The only reason I stayed by Fear’s side… I got already when I handed you over to Satan,” I gave her the truth.
She smirked. “Oh, I remember clearly.”
“I have no power—nothing to gain coming to you like I am right now or trying to hurt Ryan, who’s also stronger than me!”
I could feel the tension coming off her as she gritted her teeth and reluctantly moved her scythe from my neck. I grabbed my neck. “Then, tell me, why are you asking me to give you the chance to tell him who you are yourself?”
This was the part that made me feel uncomfortable.
“Come on, Love,” Killian said, sliding his hand around her waist. “Even I know the answer to that.” I studied him nervously as he met my eyes. “She loves him.”
My face grew warm when he said it and I twisted my neck around awkwardly, then I swallowed and decided to be honest and get it over with. “Because I can’t bear the thought of him finding out by anyone other than me, not when he’s going to have the same disgusted reaction as you have right now.” Tears messed with my vision, so I looked away and wiped them from my eyes.
Melanie’s expression was no different, hard and full of venom. “What makes you think hearing it from you is going to make it any better?”
“I know!” I yelled, tired of hearing what I already knew. “I know,” I whispered.
She closed her eyes and shook her head. “Why did you keep it from him!” she was suddenly yelling and this time, she looked sad. “You’re scared of him hating you, but how do you think he’s going to feel when you tell him he’s been letting you in his home…” She let the rest die off her lips because I already knew what she meant.
I wiped my hand over my face. “Because I didn’t know what Fear was going to make him do to me at first and then when it became clear I was safe, I became terrified of him knowing the truth of who I was,” I panicked. “He doesn’t see me like you do. He only sees me as this pain-in-the-ass woman that Fear marked and brought home and as shitty as that sounds, I like how he treats me as Blue!”
“Even now, you worry only for yourself.” Her words had me feeling sick. I could only shake my head denying the ugly truth about myself. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell him, I’ll let you. Ryan’s my best friend, but he’s a grown man and he’s capable of making his own decisions.”
She turned and walked off. I left feeling worse than what I did when I went.
_______
It’d been hours and Ryan still hadn’t returned. I spent them mulling over when I should tell him while Melanie’s words ate a hole in my stomach, but the longer Ryan was gone, the more that worry transitioned into worry for him. Killian had said something about his sister—had something happened?
As night moved over Grim’s woods, I changed into some black jeans and a shirt and gave into the idea that he might be blowing off steam or feeding Fear; or Fear was out. The thought of him going to another woman after last night hurt, really bad. I ported to The Den, hoping he chose this place if that was in fact what he was doing. I felt even worse when I couldn’t find him there. Darrian came up to me, a lot more aggressive and nasty now that Ryan wasn’t there to scare him away. I shrugged off his advances and asked him if he’d been there. His answer had been no, but when I had said no to his advances toward me, he didn’t know the meaning of the word. I might have broken his wrist before porting back to Ryan’s.
It wasn’t even a minute later when Ryan ported into the living room. I breathed out a sigh of relief and my feet started their destination to reach him and halted when I saw the unhappiness all over him. His head was hung and his shoulders were dropped. I stepped closer, feeling horrible that I was worried about him chasing after women when he clearly hadn’t. “Ryan?”
He lifted his head, met my eyes. “Do you have any siblings?” he asked.
I was already shaking my head before I said, “No.”
He waited. “… Even before you became a ghost?”
I nodded. “I was an only child.” I moved closer. “Is something wrong? You’ve been gone awhile.” I placed my palm against his chest. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath and let it out.
“My sister’s going to die tomorrow night. It’s going to be from a heart attack,” he said shakily. “And they want me to see her before she goes… into Heaven.”
“You should.”
“No, I can’t,” he croaked. He looked so broken about it that I felt it cloud my eyes. “If I go see her, she’s going to know what I am—what I’ve become. I told Melanie to tell her that I moved on after I died, I didn’t want her to know then and I don’t want her to know now.”
I ran my hand up his chest before I placed it against his cheek. He watched me with no hidden desire or lust, this was purely him needing an outsider’s ear. I didn’t want to dare hope that maybe he came to me because it was me. “You have to go see her.” He shook his head like it didn’t make sense to go see her. “What do you think’s going to happen when she gets to the other side and you’re not there?” He frowned. “Once she crosses over, that’s it. You don’t ever get another chance to say goodbye or see her again.” I looked down for a moment. “Take it from someone that screwed up in that department. Heaven opened up for me the day I died, the same day my mom killed herself because my dad accidentally stabbed me while they were fighting.” Ryan’s eyes darkened and his lips slanted—I had no doubt that expression was for my dad, whether it was more Fear or him, but I ignored it and continued, “Mom was walking us toward the light, but right at the last second I pulled away from her. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t have to. She had to know I was upset that it took dying for us to finally get away from Dad. That was all it took to change me completely. I loved my mom, but I left her without giving any sort of goodbye because I was upset with her in that one moment.”
“Fear killed him,” I blurted. Ryan lifted his eyebrows waiting for me to continue. “My dad, I mean, something that I kept trying to do and couldn’t because I was a ghost… it wasn’t until he died that I wanted to go back to Mom, but she was gone, Ryan, gone forever. Somewhere good and safe, somewhere I could have gone if I had chosen peace over my anger.”
I froze in place when he lifted his hands up and wiped my tears away. I didn’t even realize…
He lifted my face. “I’ll go,” he promised. “I’d feel like an ass if I don’t go say goodbye after you shared something like that with me.” I smiled and nodded feeling too exposed and opened now that I shared something else with him about my past.
“You’d still go say goodbye to your sister even if I hadn’t told you how I died,” I whispered, placing my hand back on his chest. “Even with Fear, you’re good in here.” I pressed against his chest. “Good guys like you always make the right choices in the end, unlike the villains.”
He laughed. “Are you trying to tell me you’re a villain, Blue?”
I didn’t smile. “I am, Ryan, you just don’t know yet.”
My heart broke a little more when he shrugged what I said away. I keep giving you reasons to be wary of me, make you wonder why I’ve been in so many prison cells, yet… “At least Fear got one thing right before me, sounds like your dad deserved death.”
“It was his mind,” I replied. “Mentally, whatever lurked there only continued to fester in him.”
Ryan was quiet for a long time, so I finally lifted my head to see his expression. He smirked when I did. “I don’t know about you, but I need to blow off some steam.” I perked up at his words, body already tin
gling. I used the hand that was on his chest and twisted his shirt into my hand and pulled him closer.
He smiled and I said, “Oh?”
He placed his hand over mine and pulled his shirt from my grip. “Come on.” He tugged on my hand and pulled me into him.
I frowned, clearly expecting a different sort of steam-releasing activity than what he was as he removed the portal chip from his pocket. “I thought—”
He grinned. “I know what you thought.” I gave him a heated glare. “I kinda wanna kill something—definitely wanna fuck you, but I don’t want to have to kill you just so we can get to the fucking,” he said.
I gripped his hand. “I get it, you’re Fear now despite being your own person, his needs are yours.” I moved into him impatiently. “So, who are we killing?” He grinned.
Chapter Seventeen
Molly
“This is not what I had been expecting,” I grumbled, smacking whatever bug was crawling on me in the godforsaken place he brought us. It was dark, not Underworld or Grim woods dark, but actual dark. We were somewhere in the human world, of course. Sitting in grass that made me itch, in front of a pond with a lantern between us as a frog croaked nearby and the never-ending sound of bugs only seemed to get louder and louder.
He snorted as I smacked another bug off my pants and cast his line into the water—that’s right, he took us fishing. We were killing fish… that he was most likely going to make us eat. At least I had changed into some pants before I had gone to The Den because Ryan sure wasn’t about to tell me where we were going or that it would be a good idea to change into something comfortable. He took us to some random house and took someone’s lantern and fishing pole out of their storage building, even opening the miniature fridge in there and grabbed the live bait like he’d done it before.
Falling For Fear (A Grim Awakening Book 4) Page 13