Falling For Fear (A Grim Awakening Book 4)

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Falling For Fear (A Grim Awakening Book 4) Page 20

by Michelle Gross


  He didn’t even bother paying attention to us. “Fear,” Grim called to him.

  “What?” he snapped back.

  “Are you actually going to try taking her back from him?” I asked quickly. “He’s the Devil. He created you. As entities, we can do so much but even we can’t do anything against him.”

  “Get to the point Melanie,” he hissed. “Tell me something I don’t already fucking know.”

  I sighed. “I’m saying, we should work together.”

  “Work together?” I thought I might have seen his lips twitch into a smile. Almost.

  I nodded.

  “But first,” Grim added. “We need to know where you stand.”

  We waited for him to respond. He looked down at the ground and around him before saying, “Well, I’m standing right here.”

  I rolled my eyes. My God, why did that sound like something Ryan would say? “He means are you wanting to save Molly or Ryan?” We had to know where his loyalties lie.

  “Fuck,” Fear muttered, turning his head away. “Do you think Molly’s going to stay with me if I’m not him?” he asked. “She’s got it bad for him, and he’ll get over this shit with her once he realizes how easily he played into the Devil’s hands. Believe me, he’s fucking obsessed with her. He’ll get over it. Of course, he’ll get over it. It’s Molly,” he went on rambling.

  What in the world? Who was this creature? This wasn’t the same monster that ruined my life. Or was it Ryan that had this effect on him? I met Grim’s eyeless gaze and his essence changed colors.

  “So, that means…?” I asked again.

  Fear growled. “It means why are we still here when we should be getting them back?”

  I never thought I’d see a day where we’d work alongside with Fear.

  I never thought I’d see a day where I’d want Ryan to return to the monster he had been trying so hard not to become.

  For better or worse, the two of them have embedded themselves into one another. I thought Ryan had been given the worst fate when he became Fear. Now I realize why I was wrong. He survived the monster, became him, and changed him.

  I smiled at Grim. Funny how fate could be sometimes.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Ryan

  I was thrown in a cell. Even when I landed on the ground, the impact didn’t make a sound. In fact, I couldn’t even feel it. Being a ghost sucked just as I remembered.

  “Ryan?” But I could feel every bit of what her voice did to me.

  I raised slowly and looked through the bars of my prison. Across from me in a different cell, was Molly. She was completely naked, hunkered down with her hands gripping the bars as she looked at me like she hated to see me. If her knees weren’t covering her chest, I would have been able to see the giant hole in her chest where the Devil had ripped her heart out. My anger fizzled all over again just thinking about it. Then I remembered she wasn’t who I wanted her to be; she wasn’t Blue. She was Molly, the ghost-girl that killed me and now I was angry toward her again.

  I looked around. These prison cells—this entire place was made for ghosts like us.

  “You’re not real,” she said finally, scooting away from the bars. “This is my suffering.”

  “I assure you, I’m very real,” I told her, getting to my feet and walking toward the bars.

  Her eyes looked coal-black as she peered up at me. She squeezed her knees. “Ryan?” she asked again. “No, you can’t be.” She shook her head and dropped her face to her knees as she cradled them.

  “This isn’t some sort of punishment.” I sighed. “I don’t think your eternal suffering has started yet, I’m really fucking here, and I’d kill you if you weren’t already dead.” I wanted to hurt her like she did me, but how ironic that I was, in fact, dead too.

  She lifted her head and squinted her eyes. “Okay… if I am to believe that, which I don’t, then please explain to me why the hell he’d place one of his entities in a cell?”

  She didn’t believe me. I wrapped my hands around the bar and looked at her. “I’m not Fear anymore,” I said hotly. “If I had known I could have broken the merge all on my own if angry enough, I would have done it sooner.”

  Her eyes hardened and within a second, she was standing up and glaring at me. “Are you stupid?” she yelled. That wasn’t the reaction I expected. “You walked right into his trap. You were safe, powerful, and protected as Fear. You do realize your situation is no different than the one I’m in now?”

  “You have no right to get mad!” I yelled back. “This is all because of you. I trusted you—”

  “I did not want to be anywhere near you at first either! Fear brought me there and marked me, and you played games with me just like he did!” I didn’t want her to keep talking. I wanted to stay angry. If she spilled any more words, I’d be forced to listen and I was so weak when it came to her.

  “Don’t!”

  “No, you shut up and listen,” she snapped back. “All I wanted was to get away but I couldn’t because Fear would come for me and you would have too—I know now that it’s because you didn’t want him to crawl out and force you inside. I get it, I do. I get why you hate Fear. He’s been nothing but awful to you but haven’t you realized yet?” She searched my eyes and I glared. “It’s because he’s afraid of you.”

  I laughed. “Afraid. He fucking fed on my hatred, disgust, and self-loathing all these years.”

  “Yes, because he’s been trying to deny what he wanted.”

  “And, what did he want?” I asked bitterly, playing along with her.

  “Ryan. He wants to be you because you’re good,” she whispered with eyes so compassionate that I had to look down instead of at her. “Jesus, Ryan, you’re so good it hurts.” I really tried not to look back up at her. I really did. “Why do you think we cling to you so desperately? You feel so good. You make us better.”

  I sucked in a breath and closed my eyes. Don’t fall into her hands again, don’t fall ever again, I chanted to myself then reopened my eyes. “Why are you defending him?” I asked. “I thought you wanted to get away from him?”

  “You happened,” she replied immediately. “And yeah, I wanted to get away from him. I hated him and blamed him for what I’ve become, but he was never to blame. I’ve always been bad all on my own… that day I stabbed you in the neck was the only chance I had to get away from you both. Marybeth owed me so I went to her for a spell that could prevent you from finding me using the mark,” she made a sound in her throat in anger, “but I don’t think I was ever dealing with Marybeth. I think it was the Devil all along. He gave me what was in the vial and told me that I could trap Fear if I gave it to you when you were in complete control. That had been my next plan since I couldn’t get away from you. If I could trap him, I’d be free of him but…” I waited. “The longer I was around you, the more I was reminded of my guilt and what I did to you. I wanted to free you from him then I wanted more from you, so much more.”

  “Stop,” I said, turning around and walking away so that I couldn’t see her. My body had no sense of touch or feeling but my chest was aching, and I never wanted to acknowledge who it was hurting for. “I don’t care. I don’t want to know anything else.”

  “I love you, Ryan,” she said anyway, making my heart stutter in its beats. “Unlike you, you are the only person I’ve ever cared about before! It’s always been about me and what I want. That’s why you have to merge with Fear again. That is who you are now. It’s okay to want to be bad. It’s okay to like being Fear. It’s not okay for you to be here right now with me! You don’t belong here!”

  I didn’t say anything. Instead, I leaned against the back wall and squatted. I hated her for not telling me who she was beforehand. But I hated myself for letting that anger control me so much that I got played by the Devil. Now more than anything, I felt lost. I was already in Hell so things couldn’t get any worse but all I could think was, who is Ryan Jones anymore? “I wasn’t meant for this life,” I whispere
d but why did the words feel wrong coming out of my mouth? “Dying was what led me to where I am now. What led me to become Fear. You are one of the reasons I’ve lived miserably for so long.”

  “Do you want to know the truth?” I lifted my gaze to her as she spoke. “The truth is, I hate that I ruined your life. I hate all the hard things you’ve been through because of Fear, but I didn’t know you like I do now. And no matter how much I want to feel sorry, I can’t be! Yes, I’m sorry that you suffered all these centuries, but I’m not sorry that I took your human life and gave you a new one. Because I’m selfish, and I’d do it all over again if it meant I could spend those days with you again. I’d go through all the pain I’ve been through again and again. I’d kill you over and over to get those pathetic days with you because that’s how much I want to stay by your side.”

  “Do you even realize how crazy you sound?” I asked her. “You crazy—”

  “Don’t call me any names,” she interrupted, sounding pissed. “If I could do it all over, the only thing I’d do differently was to take you somewhere far away from everyone else and never tell you who I was!” I glared at her. “How’s that?” she asked. “This is how selfish I truly am.”

  I shook my head and just looked at her. “Un-fucking-believable, you are,” I muttered but the words didn’t sound as harsh I had meant for them to sound.

  “No, you are,” she shot back. “Would you have really wanted things to be different? I know how much you loved Melanie—it’s pissing me off just thinking about it, but would you have really been satisfied as second best?” This woman, she was pressing all my damn buttons over and over again. “Because with her, that’s all you would have ever been, second best. If you could forgive me, I’d make you happy. I’m not sunshine or glitter or anything remotely close to perfect. I’m so damn messed up, so dark and prickly, and selfish and cruel but for the first time, I want to be better for someone.”

  I didn’t want Melanie as anything other than a friend. I haven’t in a long time. Sometimes I’d think about her while I was with another woman but more than anything she was just a part the past I never got to have. I couldn’t get over the past because I still felt wronged. Not because of her. It was just one of those things where I constantly wondered how different things would have been if I had gotten to live. How much simpler life would have been.

  I tilted my head as I gazed at Molly. Even with a hole in her chest and the fire in her dark eyes, she stirred something inside me. Was she getting upset all on her own because she was thinking about my feelings for Melanie? I couldn’t help but smirk despite our situation. “It was never about Melanie. It was about losing who I am along the way,” I said when she was quiet for so long. “Melanie has nothing to do with this so stop trying to use the past to make me forgive you.”

  She looked so guilty as she looked down that I kept watching her to make her worse. “Besides, why are you trying so hard to make me understand? We’re in the Devil’s hands now, who knows what kind of suffering we have to look forward to.”

  She lifted her gaze and smiled. “Because Fear’s gonna come for us.”

  I lifted an eyebrow like I didn’t believe her but I didn’t doubt that he would be coming for her. I knew just how much he worshiped her. I felt a little irritated and sad when I thought about the two of them being anywhere without me. And just how messed up was that? I was supposed to hate them, and I did. I wanted to hate them, more like.

  “Good luck with that,” I muttered. “Like he could take you from the Devil.”

  “He won’t be the only one coming, ya know.” She was right. Grim and Melanie were probably trying to find me the moment he took me. As always, Grim was coming to get me every time I got myself into trouble.

  “Oh, I’m sure all three of them will be coming,” the Devil’s voice drifted down the hall. His footsteps echoed off the empty walls as he approached. “They might find us, they might not.”

  “When does the eternal suffering start?” I asked him nonchalantly. “Getting a little rusty, are we?”

  “Ryan!” Molly hissed.

  The Devil just smiled before turning toward Molly. “Still trying to make him understand your feelings?” His voice was patronizing. “Little too late. He obviously doesn’t care, right?” He looked at me. I bit back any remark because I didn’t want to play into his games anymore. He smiled at Molly. “Don’t worry, you’re mine now and I’ll take good care of you.”

  I was up on my feet and against the bars before I knew it, seething. “What do you think you’re doing?” I asked him.

  He turned his head slightly and cocked a brow. “Pardon? She’s mine, what’s not to get?” He glanced back at her. “Or better yet, what’s actually happening is this: I need little miss chaotic over here to play along and convince Fear that she wants to be with me now.”

  She snorted. “There’s no way he’d believe that.”

  I had a bad feeling…

  “Yes, he will because you have no choice but to convince him.” He leaned against her cell so that he was staring down at her. He was too close to her. I didn’t like him near her. I didn’t like anyone near her. “Fear’s gone soft because of the merge. I need my monster back and you and Ryan don’t help my cause.”

  “I won’t help you,” she promised with a smile. I wanted to smile with her but all I could think about was what he was going to do to her if she didn’t listen. “I like my monster the way he is, and most when he’s merged with Ryan again.”

  She met my eyes. My pulse quickened. There were too many moments like this, where she steals what I didn’t want to let her have.

  The Devil laughed. “I’ll kill Ryan’s soul if you don’t convince Fear. I want you to throw pebbles at the monster who only knows how to love you. That way, he’ll be through with the silly emotion when you’ve broken his dark heart.”

  The fire dimmed in her eyes so easily by his words. His words worked. I was her weakness, like she had somehow become mine. I already knew she’d listen to him now, the same way I had let her hidden identity consume me.

  “Listen, you are not going to do anything he says,” I told her plainly. “I’ll gladly die instead of letting him mess with my head!”

  She ignored me. “Let him leave. You can’t send him to the Flames. That’s the only way I’ll do it.” Her eyes were void of anything.

  “I’ll let him go once you’ve done what I’ve asked,” he told her with a grin.

  “You can’t actually believe him?” I yelled. She continued to ignore me. “Molly, don’t you even think about it!”

  She finally let her dark eyes meet mine again. “Why do you even care? I thought you hated Fear?”

  I couldn’t respond. I was too stunned. Why was I getting upset? Why was I angry that he wanted to use Molly to hurt Fear? Why was I losing my mind trying to sort out my feelings because of those two?

  He slid open her cell door and she stepped beside him. She looked like stone. Empty. A doll. She wouldn’t look my way. “Molly,” I said. “Molly!” She wouldn’t respond. When the Devil grinned, I lost it. “Molly, look at me dammit!” And she did. “You can’t do this to Fear. I was him, you are the only thing that he knows how to care for. Don’t take that from him. Don’t give the Devil what he wants.” How strange that I had almost said, I am Fear. But if that were the case then… I really fucked up.

  A tear slid down her cheek before she looked away. “Molly?”

  The Devil rolled his neck around and groaned. “Will you stop calling her name? I don’t have the tolerance for it.” He placed his hand on her back. My nostrils flared and I gripped the bars and started shaking them, then I punched and kicked them.

  “You get your hands off her!” I raged.

  He started leading her down the hall, further away from me. I never felt so murderous and pissed. I was unable to do a damn thing as Molly fell into the Devil’s grasp all because of me.

  “Do a good job, Molly, and I’ll take very good care of you i
n return.” I heard him tell her. His laughter trailed down the empty cells and I screamed everything I wanted to do to him if only he weren’t untouchable. More than anything, I wanted to kill him for staring at Molly the way he had.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Molly

  Of course, I wasn’t going to do what the Devil wanted.

  But I had to play along until the cavalry got here and got Ryan out of there. If I was good at anything, it was playing docile to please someone’s ego. The Devil was eerily similar to Fear during his time with Marcus. He liked obedience and getting his way—the thing about the Devil was we couldn’t ever get rid of him. How would Grim and Melanie handle this one? And it was sad that I was relying on those two to step in and save the day like they always managed to do. It used to annoy the shit out of me, but now all I could think about was how much I wished they’d hurry up. My skin wouldn’t stop crawling until I knew Ryan was safe, and the fact that he was screaming and cursing at the Devil as we walked away didn’t help.

  Ryan might have himself convinced, but I knew he belonged as Fear and the fact that he seemed worried for Fear only made me more confident about it.

  “I’ve watched you all this time, Molly,” the Devil startled me from my thoughts as we walked up the stairway. “For such a frail body…” His gaze traveled over my body. “You can’t be broken, can you?”

  I kept hearing some distant sound now that I could no longer hear Ryan. But then again, maybe I wasn’t hearing anything but the pounding of my heart.

  “Probably not,” I said without emotion. That was a lie. If Ryan didn’t forgive me, I would be broken beyond repair.

  “I need you to convince Fear, but as for staying by my side… I was serious.” Ew, I’d rather suffer in his flames. “I can give you back a body.” My heart sunk. I had forgotten about that. I looked down at the huge hole in my chest where he ripped out my heart. I didn’t even have anything to cover myself up with. Suddenly, I was extremely uncomfortable in his presence. I placed my arms over my chest.

 

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