by Louisa Reid
I woke another day to find sunlight flickering in at the window and I crawled over and peered out to see that the tree was still green after all, it was still growing. It reminded me of life and I wanted mine. I watched the drive, straining to see round the corner of the house and up the long gravelled path that led to the front door.
I knew that I was fading. I knew that I could not linger forever, waiting to be saved. But I did not want The Father to have his wish and I held fast to what was left. It was too soon to die. Another five days must have gone by, perhaps June was becoming July, before I spotted movement at last. A figure was coming up the drive. I couldn’t see more than that but I knew it wasn’t The Parents. The walk was different and I started to hope. My mouth formed the word Danny and maybe I breathed it into the silence as if it might grow and run out to meet him. I placed my palms on the glass and wondered.
After the figure retreated, a few minutes later, I realized what I should have done. I should have opened the window and called out, hollered for help. How stupid I was. I didn’t need Hephzi to remind me.
I waited for Danny to return, watching at the window, determined not to miss my chance again. No one came. Then on Sunday they unlocked the door as if to let me out but pushed me into the bath and blasted the cold water from the shower on to my skin, which was to be disinfected and cleansed. The bottles stood ready. The Mother averted her eyes as she scrubbed and he looked on, intoning his sinful prayers. I screamed and she hesitated. He grabbed my head and plunged it under the water. Again and again and again.
Granny had told me never to hate. If you hate, you lose who you are. You mustn’t hate the children who stare or the adults who point, the sneerers and sniggerers, the gawpers and grinners. They’re just ignorant, love, and not worth your tears. I believed her then. Now I didn’t know if I could help myself. I wanted to hate them so much it hurt more than anything else.
They gave me a pair of old pyjamas, too small for me and falling to pieces, second-hand cast-offs not even good enough for the charity bag. They’d taken everything else. My teeth clattered in my head and I wrapped my arms tight round myself as the sound of my own screams and the screams coming at me from the walls grew into a cacophony of fear. I backed away, into a corner and stared in horror at the bubbling and groaning paper behind where Hephzi’s bed had stood, I saw it balloon and stretch and felt the end of something approach.
And then I saw Hephzi. She was there, suddenly, just for a moment, a dancing shadow at the window.
It’s time, she says. Run now. The door is open, run for your life, my sister. Run!
Hephzi
Before
When you tell someone you love them, aren’t they supposed to say it back? I guess not. In those books Rebecca reads I suppose it doesn’t always happen like that, but I thought I’d be different, lucky. I thought Craig felt the same.
He doesn’t show up at college until Thursday and the week is agony. I don’t eat or sleep thinking about what I’ve done and wondering what he thinks of me now. Maybe he thinks I’m a slag, that’s what everyone says about girls who sleep around, but I’ve only been with Craig. I pray he hasn’t told anyone but I imagine people are looking at me and talking behind my back. Rebecca tells me not to be stupid when I ask her if people are whispering about me. Of course, I haven’t told her what happened, although she’ll have guessed. I know she’s worked it out. The look on her face on Sunday morning said it all. I might as well have written it across my forehead.
When Craig finally slopes into the common room at break on Thursday I ignore him, even though my heart judders like it’s about to break down. It’s hard to look cool when you’re sitting on your own so I pretend to be reading my Chemistry textbook and hold my breath waiting for him to come over and make it all better. But Daisy grabs him as he’s walking by the lockers and I can see out of the corner of my eye that she’s got her arm tucked in his and is tossing her hair and smiling with all her teeth. Stuffing my book into my bag I gather up my things and walk out. It’s supposed to be a dignified exit but I don’t reckon I’ve pulled it off, I’m sure I hear someone snigger as I leave.
Stupid me. I thought I could escape, I thought there was a chance for me and I’d make it out. I hide in the toilets for the afternoon, staring and staring at the wall until I think my eyeballs might explode.
Rebecca waits for me after college and we walk home. She sees my red eyes but says nothing the whole way, playing the sphinx.
Later that night, after we’ve gone through the charade of dinner with our parents and are supposedly studying in our room, I sit at the window wondering if I should sneak out and go and confront him. It’s a cold and rainy November night and the wind’s whipping up the tree, its branches are thrashing like it’s in pain and the leaves are falling fast. I open the window and lean out to let the rain trickle on to my face. I lean so far that half my body’s hanging over the sill. If I just let myself fall then all this would be over.
‘What are you doing?’
I ignore my sister. I wish she’d disappear, she’s constantly pushing at me, trying to get in my head, wanting to know.
‘Shut the window. I’m freezing.’
‘No.’
Rebecca comes over and tries to pull me in and we struggle for a bit before I give in. The window slams shut, only just missing my head, and I push Rebecca over and she looks at me like I’m nuts.
‘What’s the matter with you? Have you fallen out with that boy or something?’
She hates saying his name. She’s such a cow.
‘No. Why would I?’
‘Well, why else are you so miserable?’
‘I can be miserable if I like. Mind your own business.’
I sit on my bed and wish I had my own bedroom and my own space. I wish I were anywhere but here.
‘You should get over it. Or make it up with him. I can’t bear this.’
I think about what Rebecca says and wonder why we have fallen out. I haven’t done anything, I’ve given him what I thought he wanted. The problem is mine, I realize. It’s because he didn’t say he loved me and that’s what I thought the deal was. I thought if I had sex with him the result would be that he’d love me, but it didn’t add up like that and I’ve been blaming him ever since. He doesn’t realize how urgent it is that he loves me, how soon I need him to say it so we can move on and move in together. I get up and open the window again. If I don’t go now I might lose him for good.
By the time I get to Craig’s I’m like a drowned rat. Pam opens the door and stares at me as if I’m crazy before ushering me inside and grabbing towels and a dry jumper and jeans.
‘Is Craig home?’ I stutter through my chattering teeth.
‘No, love, but I’ll ring him on his mobile. See when he’ll be back. Have you two had a falling out, then?’
I shake my head, then nod, not at all sure, before I start to blub like a baby. Pam hugs me like my mother never has and I wonder if I need Craig at all; Pam could just adopt me, that’d be enough. Craig would have all the time he needed to fall in love with me then.
I hear her whispering on the phone in the kitchen and hope she’s not saying something bad. Maybe she’s telling him I’m a loser and that he should dump me. I dunno.
She comes back into the living room with a cup of hot chocolate. I drink it fast, it is delicious, the nicest thing I’ve ever drunk. When every bit is gone and I’ve licked the mug clean I realize she’s been staring at me, a bit bemused. I laugh and run my fingers through my straggly damp hair.
‘Sorry, I was thirsty.’ I don’t tell her it’s the first time since I was twelve that I’ve had hot chocolate and that it was always my favourite. Granny made it with marshmallows and whipped cream.
‘D’you want some more?’
I nod. This time I sip more slowly, trying not to look like I’ve just landed from Mars.
‘Craig’s on his way back
, love. He won’t be long.’
‘Where is he?’
She looks uncomfortable for a moment then turns on the telly. We sit watching EastEnders together, and I’m so engrossed I barely notice when Craig walks in.
‘All right?’
He stands in the doorway looking at me. Straight away Pam jumps up and leaves us to it. I give him a smile, although it’s a watery one, I can still taste rain and tears on my lips and Craig sort of smiles back.
‘What’s up?’
He’s too nonchalant and still just standing there. This isn’t how it used to be. Last week he would have hugged me and kissed me and told me I looked nice even if I were a mess. Taking a huge breath I speak.
‘I thought I’d come over.’ He cocks an eyebrow, waiting, so I try again. ‘I missed you,’ I say.
‘Really? Seems to me that ever since the other night you’ve been avoiding me.’
‘I haven’t!’ He frowns because he doesn’t believe me. ‘Why d’you think that? Please, Craig, I haven’t been avoiding you. I swear.’
‘All right. So you haven’t been avoiding me. What else?’
‘What d’you mean?’
‘Well, what have you come here for? What else have you got to tell me?’
I have no idea what he wants me to say and sit staring at my hands. The EastEnders theme tune plays in the background. We’re definitely finished. I don’t know why he wants me to say it, why I have to be the one. Rebecca was right about him all along, he’s a stupid pig. He got what he wanted and now he’s acting like we’ve never met. Suddenly I’m more angry than sad and I stand up and look him in the eye; it’s the look I give my mother when I want her to know how much I hate her.
‘Screw you, Craig. Screw you.’
I push past him back into the rain. His mum’s jeans bag around my waist and thighs and I clutch at myself as I start to run back the way I’d come only half an hour ago. I don’t know if I’m crying or not, the rain streaks my face, lashes at my clothes, weighing me down, trying to pull me under. As I run I mutter and swear, naming all the things I’d do to Craig if I could, all the names I’d like to call him, all the ways I’d like to hurt him. Cars roar by as I run down the main road, sending up fountains of water. Then a bike screeches up beside me, the headlights blare into my face and I shield my eyes from the glare and stop, panting, still raging.
‘What the hell’s the matter with you?’ he growls.
I don’t see what right he’s got to be angry with me.
‘Leave me alone!’
I forge onwards, pushing past, but he’s off the bike and grabbing me and holding me tight.
‘What’s going on, Hephz? What’s your problem?’
‘I haven’t got a problem!’ I scream into his face. ‘You’re the bloody problem, you two-faced, evil, mean, pighead, shit …’ Shuddering with sobs I can’t finish my harangue and I collapse against him. All the misery of the past week comes pouring out and my tears are a torrent of sadness. He holds me for ages even though we’re both getting drenched. The branches of the horse chestnut can’t keep us dry and raindrops pool between us.
Still snivelling I pull away. ‘Sorry.’
‘No worries. Are you going to talk to me now or what?’
‘I have to get home. They’ll murder me if they know I’ve been out.’
Craig sighs and rubs the rain from his face. I run the short distance back home and slither my way up my tree and inside. Rebecca stares at me.
‘What are you wearing? Where on earth have you been? You’ve been ages.’
‘Did they notice?’
She shakes her head and I relax, pulling off the sopping clothes and draping them over the cold radiator in the hope that they might dry. Really they need wringing out in the sink but I daren’t risk it.
‘Did you find him?’
My nod isn’t enough for her.
‘What happened?’
‘Nothing.’
‘Oh, really? Then why’ve you been crying?’
‘Get lost, Rebecca. Stop living your life through me, would you? If you want something interesting to think about then sodding well get your own boyfriend. And leave me alone.’
She shuts up. We go to sleep. I hope tomorrow is a better day.
When Craig and I should be at college the next day we drive to the coast instead. He picks me up as I’m walking to school and I leave Rebecca standing there like a lemon as we circle round and zoom out of the village. It’s freezing and we huddle inside Craig’s jacket under the pier. He tells me everything. It turns out that while they were dancing at his party Daisy had told Craig I’d been sleeping around. At first he hadn’t believed her but she’d insisted and even found someone to back up her story. Samara. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted her. If I hadn’t gone round to Craig’s last night and acted so crazy he’d still have believed her. As it was, he’d figured out that something didn’t quite add up. Eventually.
So we’re back together and Daisy is as sick as a pig. I’m never speaking to her again, I hate her. Craig agrees but he still hasn’t said he loves me even though I’ve had sex with him again. Actually, I’ve done it quite a few more times. It’s better than I thought it was going to be after the first time, when it was basically just uncomfortable, and we sneak off back to his house when we should be at college and spend the day in his bed. It’s nice. He brings me cups of tea and we smoke cigarettes and he plays his guitar. He hasn’t mentioned me moving in yet but I’m trying to be patient and playing it cool.
I can’t believe I keep getting away with it. Each day when I wake up I wonder if today’s the day I’ll be found out. But then, because I’m so happy and so almost free, I forget to worry and just carry on being a normal girl, doing normal things and falling in love.
Rebecca
After
Almost blind with panic, I ran out of the vicarage. I hadn’t known I could run like a cheetah, I hadn’t known I was so quick. Out of the room I crept, and down the stairs, first one flight and then another, swift and light, invisible in the growing darkness.
Shadows flickered on the walls and the ceiling glinted with the last of the day’s sun. I could just about see where I was going and fixed my eyes ahead, towards escape.
But I went too fast. In the hurry my feet tumbled over one another and I tripped down the last five stairs and on to the cold stone floor of the hall. Get up, get up, come on, I told myself and my legs lifted me again and I hurried to the heavy front door. It was hard to turn the key in the lock and I battled with the stiff, cold metal, trembling at the noise I imagined it made as it scraped a goodbye. Fumbling in my haste I was taking too long and I gathered all my strength to pull back the locks, wincing at the shunt and clunk of bolts drawn back and the moan of hinges as they cursed my departure. This house had been my prison for too long.
I threw back the door and shot out into the night. I hadn’t believed it was really still summer outside and the warm evening air felt like a kiss. I launched myself on to the path which led away, through the trees and under the stars, into the world beyond.
The gravel hurt my bare feet but I moved faster for it as I fled down the path and ran like a shadow on fire towards the pavement, wild and free, but nearly so weak I could have lain down there and then and slept for as long as it took to be new. Then, at the gate, I stopped just for a moment and turned. The vicarage loomed massive behind me, its door still open, a gaping mouth that led to the very depths of my past and would swallow me whole given one last chance. Suddenly, more afraid than I could bear, my legs wobbled and I thought they might give. But you’re stronger than that! I heard the wind whisper as a light flickered on and shadows moved at a window. They were coming. If they were to catch me! Adrenalin surged straight to my heart at the thought and I ran for the home next door, the only place I knew to go. It was dusk, the residents would be in bed and I prayed Danny would be there.
Suki opened the back door and I fell inside, unable to speak or breathe. Faces crowded me and I collapsed away from them into myself on to the floor. My legs had turned to water and I was a pool of fear. Someone gathered me up and lifted me to the day room, and I knew it was Danny by his strength. Around me and behind me the commotion buzzed and hummed. I was still unable to hear a thing but I felt the crowd gathering round me, questioning. Finding a last ounce of strength I looked up from Danny’s arms and then I saw them. They had come for me. I caught a glimpse of their faces, puce with rage, yet still smiling through the blood. They stood there, talking at the door. They were pointing at me and talking so fast that I couldn’t read what they said. Danny put me down and faced them, blocking their way through.
The room stilled. I peered through my fingers to try again to read The Father’s lips.
‘This is just dreadful. We do apologize,’ The Father was saying. ‘Rebecca’s ill, delirious, we’ll take her home and call the doctor.’
‘She’s a little terror, you know, our Rebecca,’ The Mother added. ‘You know how troublesome teenage girls can be!’ I saw The Father shoot her a look, telling her to shut up and that he would handle this. She gaped her rictus grin.
Danny remained where he was, his back a barrier between them and me. I prayed he was strong enough to hold them off and that he understood that he was the only person standing between me and disaster. I’d seen The Father get his own way too many times to underestimate his power. He took a step forward, holding out his arms, and smiled, oh so sincere. I read my name on his lips again. He would fool Danny and take me back, say I was mad, tell any lie. I had to stop it. And now I knew I could.
When I spoke, Danny swung round.
‘Don’t let them take me. Please. Danny, don’t let them.’
He nodded straight away. As they surged forward he put out his arms, stepping back to throw up a wall around me, a barricade of love as strong as steel. Here were the arms of the father I’d never known and I sheltered behind them as other hands, the hands of my friends, Suki and Michaela, and the boss, Mrs Sweet, held The Parents away. They must have realized that there were too many people for them to overcome and, as heads turned to hear sirens coming towards us, they melted into the walls, running from everything that they had done, the consequences they now had cause to fear. Some kind soul had called for an ambulance. I was lucky, this time it wouldn’t be too late.