by Louisa Reid
‘You shouldn’t be such a bitch. Your sister never said you were a bitch.’
I stopped then. Hephzi had spoken to him about me. That meant he had things I wanted, he had words that were, by rights, mine. I levelled my gaze in his direction, the tears were still cascading down his cheeks. I supposed his sadness ought to have moved me.
‘She was my sister. She loved me best.’
‘She loved me too.’
He was right. She had loved him. But only because she hadn’t known better and because she’d had no choice.
‘You should have helped her, then, you should have been worthy of her. You weren’t though, were you? You destroyed her chances. She thought she could trust you, Craig, but you weren’t up for it, you’re just a little kid.’
Finally standing he looked at me and held my eye. I let him have my face, all of it, I was sick of hiding. Eventually he stopped snivelling and nodded.
‘All right, then. If you’re right, let me help you.’
‘What?’
‘You say it’s all my fault and that I should have done something, saved her, changed the way it turned out. I dunno if I could have done that, if there was something more –’ his eyes glazed and for a moment he looked lost – ‘but since she’s gone, I’m going to do the next best. I’m going to help you.’
‘No, you’re not.’
‘But you need help, don’t you?’
How did he know? I was sick of being so transparent.
‘I’m fine.’
‘No, you’re not. Or you wouldn’t be here. You hate me. You must have been desperate to come.’
Hephzi had always said that he was clever and now I understood. He wasn’t just the idiot in the hat with the cigarette and the bad attitude. Annoyed, I scowled and meant to leave but I still needed to know what she’d been saying about me.
‘What else did she tell you?’
‘Not much. She was private. I asked but I didn’t often get an answer. I wanted her to let me meet you properly, you and your family. She said no way.’
Of course she did. ‘But she said some things?’
‘Yeah, now and then the odd thing would slip. She told me you covered for her.’
I nodded and scowled some more. He nodded back. ‘Thanks.’
‘I shouldn’t have. I should never have let her do it.’
‘How could you stop her?’
He was right again.
‘Look, you may as well tell me everything. I reckon I’ve guessed a lot but there are still gaps. I want to know exactly what happened.’
No way. Craig wasn’t getting our story, it had been bad enough telling Danny and Cheryl, bad enough having them badgering me about the police and Social Services. I’d been convinced they were going to land me in it, holding back had just about killed Danny. When I didn’t speak he asked again.
‘Why won’t you tell me? Why are you and her so secretive? Now you’re here in front of me I can tell you’re twins, you have the same faraway look in your eyes, the same way of moving your heads when someone puts you on the spot.’ I sneezed and he laughed bitterly. ‘You even sneeze the same.’
I wished he’d shut up. The way he spoke made me want to pull up a chair, to sit down and have him tell me stories about my sister. I wanted him to tell me about the life she’d had with him, the secret world she’d kept behind lock and key, an enchanted garden of good times and laughter and hope. We both had exactly what the other wanted but I didn’t know if I dared trade. I eyed him again.
‘If I tell you what you want to know, then you have to answer my questions too, all of them. Right?’
He paused and thought, studying me intently. I didn’t understand why he didn’t flinch and turn away, why he didn’t seem bothered at the sight of me. That would be something else I could ask. Eventually he spoke.
‘OK. Deal. You spill your beans, I’ll spill mine.’
‘All right. But there’s one other thing.’
‘Yeah? What?’
‘Nothing I tell you goes further than this room. You have to promise you won’t do anything with the things I tell you and that you’ll keep it all secret.’
‘No.’ He shook his head rapidly. ‘No way. I’m sick of secrets and sneaking around. I’ve had it with that. I’ve turned over a new leaf.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I’m starting college properly in a couple of weeks, the one in town. I’m doing the rest of my exams in a year, catching up on all the shit I’ve missed. Then I’m going to uni. I’m going to work to pay my way too, and I’m going to make it. Life’s too short not to try your damnedest to make a go of it. Hephzi knew that.’
‘She might have known. But she couldn’t do it, could she?’ I spat.
‘No, but it’s what I got from her, to give it a go and keep hoping for the best and to fight for what you want. So that’s my plan and I’m sticking to it.’
‘Good for you.’ I don’t know why I sounded so resentful. Maybe I wanted him to be Bad Craig forever, maybe I was angry that it had taken my sister dying for him to grow up.
‘Yeah, I know it’s all a bit late now, I know that, Rebecca, but I’ve got to try or I’ll go mental. After she died I thought I was, you know, losing it. It was tough. But my mum helped pull me round and I owe her too. Since my dad left she’s been the one who’s always been there, rooting for me, trusting me. I owe her big time.’
‘Did your mum like Hephzi?’
‘Of course she did! Who didn’t? Hephzi was … well, she was glorious, wasn’t she, gloriously sweet and funny and smart.’
I jolted at his words. I hadn’t expected him to use language like that or to understand the essence of my sister so well.
He continued, carried away now, ‘She thought Hephzi was perfect for me, she thought she’d straighten me out. Maybe she did in the end. But I suppose I was a bad influence for a while. I regret that now, we shouldn’t have bunked off like we did, I shouldn’t have done that.’
‘No, you shouldn’t. Why couldn’t you have just been like a normal boyfriend?’
‘What’s one of those, then?’
How would I know? I shrugged and he half smiled. ‘You’re right though, I should have done better, she deserved better.’
‘Tell me what you two did together.’
‘OK.’ He moved to the back door and walked out into the small, square garden. I followed him and he threw himself down on a shady patch of grass. Then he started to talk and didn’t stop. All day we sat and he spoke about my sister and I drank up the words, caught the honey that dripped from his lips and held it to my mouth, savouring the sweet warmth that soothed my burning heart. He took me with them, joyriding through the countryside to seaside towns and city lights. He made me see the world from over his shoulder, as Hephzi had when she’d held tight round his waist as they sped on his bike, her eyes a-glitter with the stars of their future. When he’d led me through every moment, shown me her secrets, held her heartbreak out for me to see, given me her joy and her laughter, I sat back in the afternoon sun in his garden where they’d first kissed. I felt the grass under my fingers and hoped she’d heard him, hoped she could see what she’d meant.
‘Thank you,’ I murmured, pulling a daisy and shedding its petals. ‘I’m sorry I was so mean. I’m sorry I didn’t help more. She never said all this. You were her secret. You were sacred, precious. She meant it when she said she loved you.’
‘I hope so. Man, I’m shattered. This has been some day. D’you want a drink?’
He loped inside and returned with two bottles of cold beer. I let the liquid fizz in my mouth and savoured the coldness. He raised an eyebrow.
‘Hephz didn’t drink, it made her sick.’
‘Oh.’ I put the bottle down on the grass beside me and shivered slightly as the sun dipped behind the tall trees on the horizon. What were the other things I would never know
about my sister? Craig had given me all he had, but there would always be so much left unsaid. It made me sad. Craig touched my arm and pulled me to my feet, leading me inside by the hand. He was kind, kind and good, and I had been wrong.
He went out and bought fish and chips. We ate ravenously in silence and he cleared our plates, finishing what I hadn’t managed. The intimacy of that made me blush and I told myself to stop being silly, not to let myself be fooled. He would never like me as he’d liked her, I’d never take her place, and I didn’t want to, that wouldn’t be right. But sitting with him, eating together, comfortable with one another, made me too happy not to notice. Maybe it was just the thought that I’d found a friend, another one.
‘When’s your mum back?’ I asked.
‘She’s not, she’s away on a course.’
‘Oh.’
‘You can stay the night if you like.’ He saw my face and hurried to clarify, ‘In the spare room. It’s all right, you can trust me.’
I laughed at the notion that someone like him would ever want to be with someone like me.
‘What’re you laughing at?’ He sounded irritated.
‘Just you, protesting too much. I hardly think you’re going to rape me, do I? I guess I’m not your type.’
‘That’s not actually funny, you know. You shouldn’t make jokes like that.’
The smile was wiped off my face. ‘You’re right. I’m sick.’ I paused and then let myself say, ‘I’m weird, we all know that. But don’t blame me – it’s being locked up most of my life that’s done it.’
He stared at me and we felt the weight of those words between us. It was out there now.
Craig hesitated, unsure, before he asked, ‘What do you mean, locked up?’
I drew a deep breath. I would have to explain everything all over again. Scratch at the itch that wouldn’t go away. That’s why I’d come after all, wasn’t it? To find Craig and to find the sister I’d lost to him, and now I had to trade. My secrets for his.
‘Isn’t it obvious? Me and Hephzi didn’t have lives until last September. How we ever got to start at that college still bewilders me. Let’s just say that The, I mean, our parents didn’t think we needed the outside world.’
‘I knew they were over-protective.’ He sounded cautious, feeling the way forward into this new territory.
‘That’s the understatement of the century. If my father and mother had had their way we’d never have left the vicarage.’
‘I get it. What else?’
‘Oh. Are you sure you’re ready for this?’
‘Totally.’
I told him my story then and he listened with as much attention as I had before, the only movements to betray his tension were his leg and his beating foot enacting a rapid tarantella, halting and stalling, then twitching and tapping on the floor. I let him have the lot. The years and years of words and fists, the strap, the silence, the fear, the punishments and crimes, and then, finally, the last hard hours of Hephzi’s life. He lost it then, totally lost it, and when he flew out of the room I was too slow to stop him and too stupid to remember that he hadn’t promised not to tell. I ran after him down the path outside his house and threw myself on to his bike behind him. He didn’t stop and push me off, just revved the engine so loud and strong that I nearly toppled, feeling the throb of the machine through my body, and had to grab him as tight as I would my life if someone were trying to take it from me, as tight as I should have held Hephzi.
It was obvious where we were heading and when I stumbled off the bike outside the vicarage I felt no surprise, just an awful numbness that spread from my scalp to my feet in preparation for what I hoped would be the last battle.
Craig stared at me, his eyes brilliant and feverish in the late summer darkness.
‘The tree?’ he asked.
‘No.’ I let him follow me to the front door. It was locked and I leant on the old bell, which stood proud of the brickwork of the porch. It clanged loud enough, but no one emerged to let us in. In fact the whole place was in darkness, closed and tired, asleep for the night. There was no fear pulling at my arm, trying to drag me to safety and silence and, liberated, I walked rapidly round the side of the house to the back. Craig followed, still moving raggedly; he was smarting with anger and the need to inflict pain. I stopped and held his arm.
‘Let me do this, OK? It’s not worth you ruining your life for.’
‘I want to kill them,’ he growled through his clenched teeth. I nodded, understanding.
‘You can’t. If you do you’ll end up in prison and you’ll end up being the one who suffers most. You mustn’t waste hate on them, and you mustn’t touch either of them. Promise me?’
He shook his head and looked as if he might break open there in the church gardens like a half healed wound. His pain was ravenous and raw.
‘Think about your future, the one you told me about. Don’t throw it away. Craig, please.’
Eventually he seemed just calm enough to continue and I moved forward again towards the back of the house. The musk of the wild roses that grew in the garden flooded my senses and I tried not to think of Hephzi and me leaning from our window, two little girls too hot to sleep, eager for the summer and reaching for the air. It was this air we’d smelled together and I gathered large breaths of it in the hope of saving some little morsel for later, something that might linger in the folds of memory to sweeten my sadness.
The back door was locked too, and Craig pounded on it, swearing madly as I shushed him and tried to decide what our next move should be. I was surprised no one had emerged and come to investigate the hullabaloo; it wasn’t that late, after all, The Parents wouldn’t usually be in bed by now. He would probably be drinking and she would be chasing some pointless task in an attempt to wipe away the indelible stains of their existence. Craig tried the door again and eventually it gave, the old wood falling inwards like an old man finally accepting defeat. Inside the air was cold and dank and I smelled the musty stench of my childhood. The smell pierced the wall of control I’d carefully constructed and I threw my hands to my face.
‘It’s OK, Reb, it’s OK.’ For a moment I thought it was Hephzi speaking, she was the only one who’d called me that, the childhood name for me that she’d used since we could talk. But it was Craig who grabbed my hand and held it tight and led me through the kitchen, hunting for whatever we’d come to find.
We both jumped when she emerged from out of the shadows wrapped in the same old dressing-gown, tied tight round her scrawny frame.
‘Who’s there?’ she hissed into the darkness of the echoing hallway. ‘What do you want? Get out before I call the police.’
I was shocked that she still looked the same, but after all it had been a couple of months since we had last seen one another. She was thin and blue and papery pale. The fact that she didn’t recognize me straight away was a small triumph; my face was the same, of course, but my strength was all new. I wasn’t going to let The Mother make me hate myself any more. I drew myself up taller still.
‘It’s me.’ My voice was clear and echoed in the space. I could hear myself properly at last and her retort was weak in comparison. Good, I thought.
‘What do you want?’ she repeated. ‘Get out. Get out of here now.’
‘Where is he?’ I wasn’t hiding any more, gone were the days of ducking into shadows, and I wanted her to know it.
‘Not here. If he were here he’d kill you. Now scram.’
Stepping towards her I still felt no fear.
‘What have you come here for?’ she rasped. ‘Just leave me be. You’ve burned your bridges here, get out and leave me alone.’
‘No. Why should I?’ Hephzi would be locked up or hiding somewhere in the vicarage, I was sure. I pushed past her and started to climb the stairs, my feet naturally finding the spots that made no sound. Craig pounded behind me, unafraid of the trouble the creaks and moans of th
e house might uncover. The Mother followed behind us both, griping and grim. Our bedroom door was shut tight and I pushed the handle; I was convinced that Hephzi would be inside. She wasn’t at Craig’s so this was where she must still be.
But there was nothing. Whitewashed walls silently regarded me, blank and eerie in the half light. Craig flipped the switch and the naked bulb sputtered into life only to reveal more of the same. They’d made it like we’d never lived. Running my hands over the walls I searched frantically for signs of Hephzi and her baby but no bump or bulge betrayed their hiding places. And where was my child, the one I’d never held or known, the one which The Mother had buried somewhere on a black dark night? I’d watched her take a spade and scrabble in the dirt, then throw the bundle into the shallow grave, covering her tracks like a cat piling its litter. She hadn’t buried the evidence deep enough though and my baby had returned to haunt me in the whispering walls. By the window I stopped and stared out, as if the tree might tell me its secrets. The branches nodded slowly and shook their green arms, tapping at the window with empty fingers. I understood.
Of course they weren’t here. Of course. I had grown beyond this room and I had grown free, more free and alive than I’d ever believed might be possible. This room did not hold my sister or our children, their ghosts had flown. Now that I knew they were safe, I saw that the nightmares could end.
Craig came behind me and rested his hand on my arm.
‘Come on, let’s go. He’s not here. I’ll come back.’
‘Wait a second,’ I said and dropped to my knees, pulling at the floorboards in the corner of the room. I wouldn’t go without her things.
Relief stole my breath when my fingers closed around Hephzi’s chain and I quickly palmed it. Then I stood and stared at The Mother.
‘Before I go I want to know. Why did you hate us? Why did you hate me?’