by LK Collins
“Why should I? Because we used to fuck and you can’t get over the fact that I broke up with you?”
“Is that really all you thought of us, that we fucked? Do you not remember what we were?”
I’ve done my best to bury all my memories of Cameron and what we were, to move on in life, to ease my own pain and regret, so everything that we were is really a blur. Every now and then when I dig deep or see a picture like I have being at her house, I get bits and pieces back. “Cam—”
“Don’t! Would you stop fucking calling me that?”
“Why? These guys you work with can do whatever they want. They can flirt with you and feed you and call you ‘Cam,’ but you can’t even have a conversation with me?”
She stops cleaning and walks up to me, standing only a few inches from my face. Her eyes are glassy…she’s tired. “You wanna fuckin’ talk, then talk,” she yells.
I swallow, her scent invading me, making it hard to focus. It brings back so many memories that I’ve worked so hard to forget. I breathe her in again, getting lost in my own head as I close my eyes, and she says, “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
Grabbing the back of her head, I pull her lips to mine, molding my mouth over hers, controlling her the way she likes. She stays still for a moment, but then fights back and pushes me away.
Storming past me, she yanks open her door and says, “Leave! Now!” As much as I don’t want to, she’s got the same look in her eye as she did when I left her to join the Navy—hurt, anger, betrayal. Going forward, no matter what I do, that is how she’s going to always look at me.
9
Cameron
One of the best things I love about my life is my job. Well…that was before Nixon became my new crewmate. As I finish stocking the inventory of medical supplies for the day, I’m grateful that this is our last shift of the week, especially because all I’ve heard the past four days is Nixon being all friendly with Guy.
“Here,” Luke says walking up and handing me a coffee. “I tried to call you last night.”
“I crashed early. I’ve been exhausted lately.”
“Were you alone?” he asks me.
“Yeah, why?”
“No reason.” Guy and Nixon walk up to us and Nixon asks, “Where’s our coffee?”
“I texted him and asked him to bring it for me.”
“And you didn’t ask us?” Guy states.
“That’s lame. Come on, Guy, I’ll make ya a cup,” Nixon tells him and they walk off laughing. It’s like the two of them have worked together for years.
Luke goes to change and my attention is drawn to Nixon, my mind giving me a flashback to his lips on mine as he grabbed me and kissed me and then how I angrily pushed him away.
God, I wish Seth hadn’t left.
Things would be so much easier if they went back to how they were a few weeks ago. Even if Nixon were working here but was on another crew, it would be better. But I’m not about to go to Mack and complain ‘cause all that will do is get my ass yelled at. He won’t move Nixon; his motto is, you got a problem, work through it as a team.
As Guy and Luke get positioned in the cockpit, Nixon and I take our seats in the back. I really hope today goes by fast ‘cause I need to unwind tonight and to do it away from Nixon. Upon lift off, we get a call over the radio of an injured person on a vessel seven miles out. Luke talks with the dispatcher and confirms that we’ll take the call.
I listen over the radio to the details of what we are about to go into. “Male, age fifty-three, right leg impaled by a swordfish.”
Jesus, this happens all the time.
Guy pushes the chopper to the max and says, “T minus three minutes until arrival.”
“You want me to go down?” Nixon asks me.
“No, why?” I question him back. Does he think I can’t do my job?
“‘Cause you’ll have to saw the bill off the fish before bringing the patient up.”
“I’ve done it before. This will be my—”
“She’s got this shit,” Luke cuts me off and it’s the truth. We get these calls all the time, being as close as we are to the Gulfstream. A lot of amateur fishermen head out and don’t realize the power and danger these fish possess.
“T minus one minute,” Guy responds and I unstrap. Nixon does the same, helping me with my harness, and I look to the side, not paying attention to his hands on my waist, as I try pushing down my heart rate.
Upon arriving on the scene, there is a ton of blood all over the boat. Opening our tool bag, I remove the jigsaw and pop a fresh battery on it. Nixon takes it from me and places it in the basket, and then I begin my descent.
Looking down as Nixon lowers me, there is a crew on deck that greets me. Normally I’d be filled with adrenaline and excitement to save someone’s life. But today…I’m just blah. Once my feet are firmly planted on their boat, I remove the drop line so Nixon can send the basket down to me. I signal to tell him that I am clear and then ask the men on board, “How long ago did this happen?”
“About thirty minutes,” someone says. I move to the man that is attached to the at least two hundred-pound fish.
“We can’t get it out of his leg,” someone says to me.
“You don’t want to,” I tell them. “He’ll bleed to death.”
I spot the basket coming down. “You okay?” I ask the injured man. He nods and I grab the jigsaw. Once I have it, I give Nixon the go-ahead and run back to the man. “I’m going to saw the bill off the fish. I need you to stay still, okay?”
Rapidly he nods, his face sweaty, and as I place the blade to the fish, he turns white. “Stay with me,” I tell him and begin. “We’ll have you at the hospital before you know it.”
I make quick work of the job, and as I finish I look up at him. He’s still awake. Thank God. One of his crew helps me get him into the basket, and Nixon takes him up into the helicopter. Then I’m brought up and we take the man, who’s surprisingly calm, to get the medical attention he needs.
During the flight, Nixon and I work on him together. He is the first real patient that Nixon and I have had and we are in a good rhythm. No drama or bullshit from the past, just the task at hand. We’ve been out on many calls and test runs since Nixon joined, but never had to bring anyone up, until today.
As Guy lands on the roof of the hospital, we are immediately greeted by staff who take the patient away. Nixon gives me a side hug and says, “Good job, Cam.”
I don’t hug him back. I can’t let myself dive into these feelings that he brings out of me. He’ll just hurt me again and I know it.
Getting back into the helicopter, we finish out the day the same way we have been. Them yakking it up and me…I’m silent.
“You guys wanna go to the Taco Shack tonight?” Luke asks, as the four of us walk out of work.
“Hell yeah!” Guy responds. “I could use a good margarita.”
“I’m gonna pass. You guys go.”
“What?” they look at me. I haven’t missed a night out since we started working together. But the truth is, I can’t be around Nixon anymore. I’m exhausted and need some time apart. “Why?”
“I’m tired, that’s all.”
“No, fuck that, you’re coming out,” Luke orders me.
Nixon is studying me and I gaze up at him, hoping he’ll catch my drift, ‘cause Guy and Luke aren’t going to let me bail “You in, man?” Guy asks him.
“I can’t,” he says, “I’ve got some lady plans tonight, guys.”
They accept his rejection and the three of us leave together, while Nixon goes God only knows where.
“We’ll take another round,” Luke says to the bartender. Guy bailed on us hours ago, so it’s just him and me.
“So you think you and Nixon will ever get past the shit he put you through?” Luke asks me.
“I don’t know, it’s not even about the past anymore. He’s not the same guy as he was when he left. ”
“What do you mean?”
&n
bsp; “It doesn’t matter, Luke.”
He rolls his eyes at me and says, “Come on. Be honest, did you really see yourself being with a guy like him long-term?”
I really did, but I’m not sure how to tell Luke that. “He was different back then. You don’t know the Nixon he used to be.”
“He’d have to be like a one-eighty different, ‘cause this guy is something else. I mean, who walks into a skydiving place, late, covered in hickeys, with their own chute on, shirtless?”
“Nixon!” We both laugh and then Luke says, “See what I mean? Normal people don’t do that.”
“I know, that’s why I’m saying he used to be so different.”
“Different, how?”
“He put me at the center of his world. I was his everything. Then one day, I wasn’t. Losing him was the hardest thing I’d ever been through.” I’m honest with Luke, because I want him to know the truth.
“Why do you really think he did it?”
“I don’t know. He says it was to protect me, but it killed me. How is that protecting someone? Now, I’m miserable being around him; the pain is still there from what he did. He gets into my head. Typically saving someone the way I did today would have been an adrenaline rush and made me feel fulfilled. But it was like I was going through the motions, the way I was trained, but I wasn’t happy. When we fly, I sit back and try and drown him out.”
“Cam, did you ever think that maybe what he did was the right thing? I mean, let’s be honest, he’s not good enough for you.”
I smile at Luke’s comment; he’s so sweet. “No, I never thought of it like that.” And I didn’t, I was too broken up to ever see any good in him and Conner leaving. Maybe I should’ve. They left to fight for our country, our freedom, and risked their lives doing it.
Luke cups my face, and I blink a few times, caught off guard by his public display of affection. “Well, I think you should. He doesn’t deserve you. He didn’t then and he sure as hell doesn’t now.” Taking his hand in mine, the feelings I once had aren’t there anymore and I don’t want Luke to get the wrong idea. I can tell by the way he’s speaking there is more to what he’s saying than he’s letting on.
“Cam, I’m not sure if you’re feeling what I am, or if you need some more time. But since we hooked up, you’re all I can think about. I know I’m no Nixon Andrews, but I promise you this, I’ll never, ever, hurt you. I’ll do everything in my power to make you happy…if you’ll let me.”
I nod, hearing his words and as I try to process them, the entire room around me spins. Maybe I’m hearing things and he’s not even speaking. It could be the alcohol.
“Luke…that’s sweet of you,” I barely choke out.
“Well, it’s the truth, as honest as I’ve ever been with you, Cam. I…I…” The way he’s looking at me is making me nervous and I scurry up off my seat. “Can you hold that thought real quick?” he nods and we separate hands then I stumble off.
Needing fresh air, I…I…what? He wasn’t about to tell me he loved me, was he? Leaving the bar, I walk out into the hot and humid Florida night. There is a cab parked in front of me, and I just get inside, not even thinking about what leaving is going to do to Luke. But if I don’t go, I’m not sure what’ll happen, and I don’t want to hurt him, I know how it feels. Rejection is the worst thing you can do to another person, and Luke is one of my best friends. I can’t do that to him…
10
Nixon
Standing at her door, my damn palms are sweaty. I raise my hand to knock, but stop. What the fuck am I thinking? What am I even doing here?
Turning my back, I head downstairs and out of her building. I let her go for a reason; I need to stick with that decision. She’ll never look at me the same way she used to, we’ll never have what we had again…that seems obvious.
Hopping in my truck to leave, I pull out my cell phone and text the last chick that messaged me. I don’t even care who she is, I just need a good fucking tonight. As I hit send, I stick the key in the ignition and a taxi pulls up in front of me. The rear door opens and out stumbles Cameron. She’s blitzed out of her mind as she trips on the curb, falling to her hands and knees. The taxi drives off, leaving her, and I shake my head, pissed at her for getting this drunk.
What the fuck is she thinking?
The last thing she’ll want to see is me, but she can’t even open the door to her building. Getting out angry, I help her stand. She looks up at me and for the first time since I’ve been back, she smiles at me, softening my heart, a sight I’ve fucking missed.
“Nixon,” she slurs, her breath mixed with tequila and mint. “What are you doing here?”
I ignore her question and help her inside. She clings to me, her head hanging low, and she keeps tripping on the steps. “How much did you have to drink?” I ask her.
“Who cares?”
“Give me your keys,” I demand, and when she does, I lift her up and toss her over my shoulder. She laughs for a moment and then silences, swaying with the motions as I carry her into her apartment. Tossing her down on her bed, her long messy hair fans out around her.
God, she’s so hot.
“Did Guy and Luke let you get this drunk?” I ask her.
“I don’t need anybody to let me do shit.” She rolls to her side and pats the bed next to her, but I decline shaking my head. If I sit, I might end up fucking her—right here, right now. And I can’t take advantage of her like that. We’d both hate ourselves tomorrow if anything happened, especially with how drunk she is. “Stop being such a pussy and sit down.” Against my better judgment I listen to her.
“I should fuck him up for letting you drink so much.”
“You do that, Mister Tough Guy.”
“I will. Was Guy there with you?”
“He left early like a pussy. It was just Luke and me. You know…I fucked him a while ago and now he likes me.”
“What the fuck? When?” I grind my teeth hearing that she slept with him. It makes me want to smash his face in.
“Right before you came back.” Her eyes are heavy as she’s talking to me through long blinks.
“Do you like him?” I ask her, dreading her response.
“I thought I did…until you came back and fucked everything up.” She glances up at me, yawning through her tired eyes. “Why are you here?”
I shrug my shoulders, not completely sure myself. She scoots a little closer to me, her face now resting on my thigh, and I touch her cheek. Closing my eyes, her warm skin beneath my cool fingers feels so fuckin’ good.
She asks me, “Did you miss me, when you were gone?”
“Every day,” I whisper, and for the first time, I truly acknowledge the regret I have about leaving her. It was the hardest thing I’d ever done and the worst decision I’ve ever made. Quickly, she drifts off to sleep, her lips slightly parted, drawing me to them. My cock throbs, wanting her in every way imaginable.
Leaning down, I breathe her in, taking my hand from her cheek and running a knuckle over her lips. She mumbles something to me that I can’t make out, and then I kiss her. She doesn’t kiss me back, and I know I have to stop. What am I thinking? No, what am I even doing here?
I had my chance with her and ruined it. In the process, I fucked myself up. She’d be happy with a guy like Luke. She might not see it now, but she would be. Looking at her for the last time, I get off her bed and head to the front door. I walk out, and right as I go to shut it, I hear her computer ring. Knowing that it has to be Conner, I stand there contemplating what to do. My pull to that life still so strong that I go back in to answer it.
“Hey, man,” I tell him, loving to see his face.
“What’s up, brother?” he asks me, clearly surprised.
“Not much, you?”
“Nothing, same old shit here, you know how it is. What are you doing at Cameron’s so late?”
“It’s a long story. You safe, everyone good?”
“Yeah…yeah, we’re good. So, you two back to
gether, or what?”
“Nah, far from it. You know she’ll never forgive me.”
“But you want her to, right? That’s why you’re there, isn’t it?”
“I don’t think so. She seems happier without me, bro, and you know how fucked up I am.”
“You gotta let all the shit you went through here go, brother.”
“I hear ya.”
“I mean it. Cam needs you. When I talked to you both the other night, it’s the happiest I’ve seen her in years.”
“She doesn’t act like I make her happy.”
“Give it some time, man, but don’t give up on her. That’s what she’s expecting you to do. You crushed her when you left, and so did I. But you’re there now, and you can make it right. Please don’t let her down again.”
“She deserves someone better than me, Con!”
“Fine, then leave now. But stop fucking playing these games with her or I swear to God, I’ll—”
I cut him off. “All right, I got you.”
“Good. She up? Can I talk to her?”
“I can wake her if you want.”
“Nah, let her sleep. Tell her, I love her though.”
“I will, be safe, brother.”
We disconnect the video chat, his words replaying in my mind. “Don’t give up on her. You crushed her.”
Going back into her bedroom, I stand in the doorway watching how peaceful she is. Listening to Conner, though maybe not precisely what he meant, I tug the covers to her bed back and slide under them, holding her body close to mine. Even if she gets pissed and kicks me out again, I’m enjoying her right now. Nuzzling my nose into her neck, I breathe her in, her scent turning me on. With my arms wrapped securely around her, I hold her against me, owning the moment. Her ass is tucked up against me, and as she wiggles it, my cock gets hard for her. I battle with it inside my head to go down. She’ll freak if she wakes and feels my dick like this.
My lips automatically kiss the top of her shoulder, not able to help myself, and then she reaches back for me. Holding on to my head while she moans from my kisses, I stop, giving her body a squeeze, and she says, “Don’t stop.”