In the bus shelter, Adriana Cuomo looked carefully at the clock. 8.20. The bus probably wouldn’t come, and she was about to say right I’m going home, I’m going home now, and she repeated it to herself, but even inside she was aware of the fact that it was still her duty to go on waiting, better to turn up late than not to turn up at all, and in the end think about it: in life you always have some kind of duty to perform, imperatives on all sides, and lots of people saying you’ve got to do this, you’ve got to do that, in your place I would do it like so, if you really want my advice, no, thank you, I don’t want anybody’s advice, I can make my own mistakes if that’s what it’s all about, and in the end let’s go on waiting, bah!, who cares anyway, however much I’ve got to do, however much I might enjoy myself at home perhaps it’s better to go to work, and she also thought how strange it is: when you’re a child you never want to go out really never, and when you go out you can’t wait to come home, and perhaps you don’t want to go to school one morning, and you dream of staying in bed, or going home with some excuse or other, you see, sir, I don’t feel well, and instead you’re big and grown-up and you weigh in the balance this house of yours and working at the office, then inside you opt for work, oh not work exactly, let’s understand each other, but in the end the fact of going out, yes, of going out, closing the door behind you and going into the street and seeing the people and looking at the shop windows and dodging the traffic, and darting tender hidden glances when necessary, and perhaps work too, yes, perhaps the work is better too, because sometimes when you’re at the office you actually see strange and amusing people, and handsome boys too, sometimes. Adriana Cuomo gave a sidelong look at that man with the grey coat who was standing with her in the bus shelter and she said he’s waiting, of course, he’s waiting, he doesn’t look impatient at all, at that age you probably don’t have anything to do, and when you do have something you have all the time in the world, old people are always extremely calm, calm and dignified, they don’t run in the street, they don’t raise their voices, perhaps day after day they are doing a dress rehearsal for death and they will be practised enough, and in the end it won’t be a trauma, it will be a matter of emphasising a condition that is already in many respects familiar. The man with the grey coat stood stock-still with his feet together, with both hands in his pockets, and on his left arm he had hung his dripping black umbrella, and underneath he had a grey jacket, a white shirt, a patterned red tie, pomaded greyish-white hair, a very thin moustache like the kind people had a long time ago, from one generation to the next everything is so deeply different, even moustaches, and shoes, for example, the cut of people’s trousers, and sometimes you should stop to reflect that these old things aren’t ugly, they are just old, but how in a girl’s day do you find a moment like that to reflect, a cheerful young girl has no time at all to form reflections like these, because in any case those days really fly by, and who expects you to stop and ponder?, and by the way, my friends, you’ve had your time now make room for the others, what do you think? A long look down the street returned with this image of the falling rain and nothing else, and Adriana Cuomo sighed heavily, and as she breathed her ample breasts swelled, what breasts, boys, what breasts, sometimes she did it on purpose, she stretched herself, she stretched her torso up from her hips and breathed heavily, and when she did that her breasts rose magnificently, really magnificently, one day a boy had told her, those are magnificent, I have no other words, she had smiled, and in fact at first those great things in front of her were more of a nuisance than anything else, because to tell the truth they bounced around in all directions, but then we would have to say it had turned out over time: there was also a good side to the whole affair, in the sense that, unlike others, she certainly didn’t go unobserved, and in fact she had sometimes turned them, as we have said, into an instrument, and then let us also say quite clearly and firmly: when you find yourself in bed making love, and you feel those men’s hands, and you see the looks, there’s a kind of legitimate satisfaction in it too, isn’t there?, if men pester and pester to get at that thing between your legs and want to hear you say how big you are and how beautiful, constantly how big it is and how beautiful, you should let women have their pride too, shouldn’t you?, or are men allowed everything and women nothing at all?, and in fact the first few times at least she went to bed she had tried to repeat the statuary poses that she had practised in front of the mirror, her arms in the air, to lift her breasts, for example, or her arms with her elbows tight to her hips to lift them even more, and in actual truth really the first time her tragic embarrassment had seized hold of her as an overwhelming feeling of panic, and all she could do was wrap the sheets around her shoulders and try in short to cover herself in every way, and turn on to her belly to hide, but in short it hadn’t been possible, not possible at all, and in the end she had yielded to his glances and explorations, and then once and for all she had faced his questions, why are you being a fool?, what does it matter?, they’re not ugly, they’re a bit on the generous side, maybe, but they’re far from ugly, you know how many girls would like to have ones like yours!, and then in all in all she had joked about it too, yes, and then she had realised, sometimes we become fixated on really silly things, and maybe we don’t confront problems, and problems grow and spread, when then in the end it’s enough for someone to say who cares, and it all goes, everything completely, or at least that’s how it seems. Adriana Cuomo sighed heavily and from her handbag she took the piece of paper and when she felt her fingers identifying it among the various bits and bobs, the rolled-up banknotes, the small change, a tube of cocoa butter, her bus pass, her identity card, the mother-of-pearl button from her other coat, then she withdrew into a corner of the bus shelter and rested her hip against the strut and glanced at the rain that was coming down vertically and splashing against the asphalt, and she took out that piece of crumpled paper and turned it around in her hands for a moment. But she had already made her mind up anyway, she would read that exciting love letter one more time. In fact she knew very well there is no more pleasant sensation than reading a letter from someone who has lost their head over you and is writing nice words to you, and at first it’s really something stormy and romantic, let’s say you’re fourteen or fifteen, and maybe you think that as life goes on it will stop being like that, and maybe it isn’t like that any more, maybe it isn’t like that for a long time, but then, when it does happen, immediately once again that romantic adolescent spark comes alive again, in short let’s agree that it isn’t exactly the same when you’re twenty-four, not that, but there’s always that sweet itch, it comes back straight away every time, who knows if it comes back when you’re fifty?, and then again she spends her time turning and turning in her hands that little piece of paper, and she feels an itch in her fingers, and in the end it’s a pleasant sensation, nothing to be said. Let’s open it for a minute, see what it says. My sweetest love, well yes, his love, that would be me, last night after I phoned you with agony in my heart which I was feeling perhaps for the first time, and painful too, well, I’m not very sorry about that, because your refusal to meet up seemed absurd to me, no reason for it, and what do you care?, but now I want to tell you: it doesn’t matter, Adriana, it doesn’t matter at all, however many times you tell me no as many times I will return to the task, because you should know this: I love you with a strong, lasting, indestructible love, lucky you!, and you will be able to stay far away and go out with other people and refuse to see me for as long as you like, but in the end you will have to surrender: I will always hold out one day longer than you. Goodbye Adriana, Marco. And as she sighed she cast a glance along the street, to the bend, to see if by any chance that blessed bus had made its mind up to come, but there was really nothing to do, there was no sign of anything, and what about hitching?, but who would you hitch from?, because in fact thinking about it very carefully you realised that a car passed every now and again and nothing more, always at high speed, splashing water in all direc
tions, and then what do you do?, if they don’t stop what are you going to do, and in the end her look had returned nothing but that desolate grey whole, and how strange it is, she thought, every time the weather changes the mood of the people changes too, if the sun’s out you wake up cheerful and sprightly, if it rains you’re sad and disconsolate and you don’t even want to get out of bed, but why?, do you believe all those stories about the influence of the stars on human life etcetera etcetera, where did you read that?, a book, once, a long time ago, yes, it talked about all those things, and the signs of the zodiac, she was Cancer, nasty sign Cancer, fickle, easily influenced, very dreamy, who knows if it was really so, in fact when you try to analyse it you can’t, you’re always forced to trust the judgement of others, oh but let’s see: my sweetest love, he wrote, while the lawyer didn’t write anything. There, now that she came to think about it, all that time, the lawyer hadn’t written a thing, not even two lines just to be kind, every now and again however he gave her a little present, a silk scarf, a handbag, a pair of boots. He was a solid type, the lawyer was. Sometimes with his back to a client he came over to the typewriter and wanted her to touch him, or else he rubbed herself against her back, saying with a wink: make sure you do a good job, miss, because this is an important thing, and the first few times it was amusing, but then in the end you weary of it, men are disconcertingly vulgar, really, with their sniggering and their innuendos. Oh at first she had been amused as well, you see, sir, I have a big thing here in my hands, sir, let’s see if we can’t take care of it as quickly as possible, it’s urgent, and in short it had been funny, and they had gone on calling each other miss and sir in bed as well, or rather to be precise on the sofa in the waiting room, because they had never been in a real bed with sheets and everything, he always said he had no time, on the one hand, and besides his wife kept a constant eye on him, and then at the office it was much easier, and even if his wife phoned at the precise moment when he entered her, there was no problem, certainly darling, fine darling, see you later darling, and his wife had once even said I think you’re making fun of me when I ring you up, you really are daft, he had said, and for her birthday he had sent her a big bunch of red roses. When will this impossible rain stop? Perhaps it wasn’t really what you would call a big romance, not that, but in the end it was better than nothing, certainly better than silly boys like Marco: my sweetest love: yeah, his sweetest love, and in some ways she felt tenderness towards him, yes, with those glasses always slipping down to the tip of his nose and him constantly pushing them back up again, and once he had sent her three orchids in a transparent cellophane box, she had been happy that time, really, how strange it is, sometimes a thought like that can straighten out a twisted day for you, bah, and now she went on turning that letter around in her hands, its writing slightly feminine to tell the truth, who knows, the lawyer had told her some really disconcerting stories about men, and then she had checked in person: if she stroked him from behind he rose up at the front, and perhaps that doesn’t mean anything, perhaps not, but it’s certainly a strange thing for a man, isn’t it?, he had said it’s like that for everyone, there’s nothing anomalous about it, nothing irregular, and in some respects it had struck her as a very strange caress, a caress like that, and above all it made her laugh, yes, sometimes she found herself unexpectedly helpless with laughter, but at any rate that lawyer of hers knew what he was up to, he was the lawyer for the Traders Association, with all those consultations, all those questions, and he also did labour cases, where he was always halfway between the two parties in the case. And in the end he worked to ensure that in the courtroom they always so to speak reached a settlement, yes, a settlement, and once he had even explained to her: it’s very simple, you have to tell the worker that we risk losing the case, and then say to the defendant: I’m going to save you a lot of money, call it a day, and in the end everyone was happy and he said to his client you see?, I’ve won you a hefty sum, haven’t I?, and to the other side he said I’ve saved you a packet eh?, a real packet, and in short it worked very well, with all that paperwork of his, and above all with the telephone, he spent whole days on the telephone, and when is it going to stop raining?, is there not a chance of that blessed bus coming, I’m going to hitch, that’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to hitch. The man with the grey coat was standing in exactly the same position, hands in his pockets and umbrella hanging from his left arm. God knows where he was going. In the end it probably wasn’t a big romance, this one, but who cares, for now she was getting a fantastic salary, and presents. To tell the truth, after the first few frantic times it wasn’t as if the lawyer jumped on her every day, hour after hour, in fact the amorous contact had been getting rarer and rarer for some time lately, and mostly he amused himself with innuendos, silly little jokes, sudden shoulder-rubs, or else he would have some ludicrous idea, once he had said miss will you do me the honour of not wearing knickers during working hours, and she had been in on the joke for a whole day slipping off her knickers and crumpling them up in her handbag, and in short for the past few days everything had been very peaceful and calm, it was probably about to come to an end, but it would be a problem in any case, and less because of the lawyer than because of the work, she had to work somewhere, didn’t she?, if she wanted to stay on her own and independent, unless, that was it, unless she started to think about having Marco as a husband who would work for her, and then she would be in the house, and he would shower her with kindness, yes, shower her with kindness, and when she went to hospital to have the first in a long series of children he would turn up with big bunches of flowers and boxes of chocolates, that’s usually how you have babies, isn’t it?, he was a strange character, Marco, really a strange likeable kind of boy, and pleasant and understanding and nice to be with, and he was delicate with her in a way that no other men ever were, that was true, except that he never gave her that jolt. However much he tried, however well disposed she was, in fact he never managed to give her that jolt inside, never a spark, a fury, an enthusiasm, in short anything to shake her up, and Adriana Cuomo knew very well: if a man can’t give you that jolt on his own there’s nothing to be done, it’s not as if you can help him, but in any case the idea of Marco as a husband she put in the corner, who knows, in life you never know, life’s such a mess, sometimes you think you can never do a particular thing and then you find yourself doing it, or vice versa, and now I’m going home, now I’m going home, but then she remembered that no, that day she really couldn’t, there was a meeting at the office, and the people from Colorac would be coming, that lawyer of hers had been appointed liquidator, certainly in all that mess he would manage to get some decent money out of it, perhaps she might get an extra little present, who knows, certainly it wasn’t a cheerful situation exactly with all those people out of work who didn’t know where to turn now and were still in charge of the factory, like that, so they didn’t give in straight away, but in fact what’s someone without a cent going to do with a factory?, a factory seems so important that you say now let’s occupy it and see if we can’t reach some kind of agreement, but then in the end you realise that they’re going to get along just fine without a factory, you’re the one who can’t live without your salary, and then maybe things drag on for months and months and in the end a new buyer turns up who’s nothing but a straw man for the old owner, and then the state gives him some money, and he puts it in his pocket and then maybe a year later we’re exactly where we started, the lawyer had even explained it to her once, the grant mechanism, to hear him speak setting up a factory is the easiest thing in the world, to hear him speak you don’t even need any money, because the state gives it to you and then you have to give it back in thirty years’ time, but it’s not as if you’re held to that in person, no, it’s society, so if society goes bankrupt, for example, nothing is given back to anybody, and in the end she was left there in the bus shelter with her hip resting against the iron strut and that note from Marco in her hands, and in her boots the d
amp that was coming from outside. Then she curled up her toes a little trying to move as much as possible, but this rain that was falling now was bound to go on falling as it had fallen for the previous few days, certainly, there was no sign to suggest the opposite, was it possible that those days of hers would go on passing in exactly the same way?, for how much longer could that playful seesawing between Marco and the lawyer keep on going? In fact, thinking about it carefully, there had already been some warning signs, oh yes, she had clearly identified them, just as she had identified and catalogued as far as possible that restlessness that she now found in her hands, that anxiety about a change that was about to occur, and what exactly would change?, her life as a woman?, her relationship with the lawyer?, Marco’s flattering attentions?, would she leave Naples?, what exactly was hard to say, yes, very difficult, not least because in some respects there was that solid certainty: her young life as a young woman would change, and she would see other, different events, and it would never again be like this one that she found herself living once more, without a doubt somewhere along the line it was preparing a jolt for her, that was it: a jolt, she would be overwhelmed by it, and she would live the days to come with an intensity that she could now no longer remember, or perhaps she had a vague recollection of something, like her teenage years, for example, when it took nothing, really nothing at all, and she had that marvellous ability to surprise herself and to wonder and discover things, and every day was an adventure, and at night she lay in the dark with her eyes open thinking incoherent thoughts and dreaming up diaphanous schemes, and that future never came, life is always different from what you think, and then perhaps you almost need to stop thinking, how do they put it?, go with the flow. She stood there thinking that if she had waited for the bus for all that time, now she could just carry on, it would come in the end, wouldn’t it?, and anyway here I am now, why would I go home?, for what reason? The rain came down with methodical regularity making vertical splashes on the asphalt, and then the water collected at the side of the kerb, it channelled itself down the street, and there were manholes that should have absorbed it, but now they were absorbing absolutely nothing at all. In troubled rivulets the water dragged along runnels of pebbles, bits of paper, corks, sweet wrappers, there were those tiny sweet things that the water dragged behind it. Up above the greyish streaks alternated and merged, a variety of shades of grey drawn on grey.
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