by Ted Dykstra
TED
I bumped my head.
RICHARD
(RICHARD begins to strangle TED.) Six months! Six months we’ve been working on this piece! Now, you are going to go from there to the end or I’m going to kill you!! One, two, three, four—
TED unwillingly complies and they struggle through the finale, both bawling mightily while counting, to the end, at which point RICHARD gets up, bows, and leaves the stage. TED is alone on the bench with his head in his hands…
TED
Oh God… Oh God… Oh God…
At the Tarragon Theatre, 1996.
Photo by Lydia Pawelka.
EXAM
The centre curtain parts, revealing red backlight.
RICHARD
(a voice from hell) Mr. Dykstra.
TED
Oh God!
RICHARD
Welcome to your Conservatory of Music grade seven piano examination!
TED
Oh God!
Snap to reality.
RICHARD
Now, before hearing your repertoire of pieces and doing some ear testing and some theory, we’ll begin with the required technical elements of the examination. As I’m sure you’re both well aware of and well prepared for, this will include scales, arpeggios, chords, and such in a key of my choosing. And the special key that I have chosen for you today is… (TED crosses his fingers.) C sharp!
TED
Shit!
RICHARD
I’m sorry, Mr. Dykstra… did you say something?
TED
Sharp?
RICHARD
Yes. Sharp. We’ll begin with the C sharp major scale, parallel hands, four octaves, sixteenth notes and legato, when you are ready.
TED performs the scale well and quietly thanks God for his help.
Good. The formula pattern, please. (TED aces it.) Very good. The relative minor scale, please. (TED begins but RICHARD stops him.) One moment. One moment, Mr. Dykstra. You’re playing the harmonic minor.
TED
Yes?
RICHARD
How many minor scales are there, young man?
TED
Three.
RICHARD
And they are?
TED
Harmonic, melodic, and regular, I mean natural! Regular?!
RICHARD
So, if I ask you for the relative minor scale of a given major key, the scale that I want has the same accidentals as its relative major, which would be?
TED
Oh. Just the natural minor scale?
RICHARD
Of course.
TED
You want me to play the natural minor scale first?
RICHARD
Absolutely.
TED
Okay.
RICHARD
Didn’t your teacher explain this to you?
TED
I’m sure he must have.
RICHARD
Proceed.
TED plays well until the very last chord.
An interesting variation. The C sharp major arpeggio, please.
TED plays it well.
Relative minor arpeggio… in tenths.
TED
Sorry?
RICHARD
The relative minor arpeggio in tenths.
TED
In tenths?
RICHARD
Yes.
TED
You mean a tenth apart?
RICHARD
Yes.
TED
Is that in the syllabus, sir?
RICHARD
I wrote the syllabus.
TED
Oh you’re that guy!
He sort of attempts the arpeggio. RICHARD writes while “tsking.”
RICHARD
The C sharp major arpeggio again, please. Contrary motion this time.
TED
(TED looks very uncomfortable.) Contrary motion arpeggio? (RICHARD nods.) So… the one hand would go the one way and the other hand would…
RICHARD nods. TED looks at the keyboard.
Oooh, I don’t think so, sir!
RICHARD
Mr. Dykstra, did you practise those at all?
TED
No, sir, I did not.
RICHARD
And why not?
TED
I did not know I had to, sir.
RICHARD
Who is your teacher, young man?
TED
Mr. Berkoff.
RICHARD
Ah. “One-bit-two-bit-three-bit” Berkoff. Mr. Dykstra, I must tell you how very disappointed I am with how under-prepared you are in this area.
TED
Well, that would make two of us.
RICHARD
However, I am not going to blame you. Do you know that I can tell by the time a student has played one scale whether or not they have talent?
TED
Oh boy.
RICHARD
You, Mr. Dykstra, you have talent.
TED
Oh boy.
RICHARD
What you do not have is a good teacher. And what you will not get on this examination… is a high mark. You are on the verge of graduating to a whole new level with your music. Soon you will be playing pieces by the masters, which will excite and challenge you in ways you’ve never dreamed. (TED sighs.) Now, my advice to you is that after this examination is over, you have a long chat with your parents and seriously consider changing teachers.
TED
You mean just dumping Mr. Berkoff?
RICHARD
Basically yes.
TED
I’ve been with Mr. Berkoff my whole life. I like Mr. Berkoff.
RICHARD
And I like him too, but he can’t help you anymore. Mr. Berkoff is fine for beginners or young people who are not serious about playing well. (beat) Mr. Dykstra, are you serious about playing well?
TED
Yes.
RICHARD
Good. Now, I can give you the names of some excellent teachers or, who knows, maybe I’ll even take you on myself. (TED laughs nervously.) However, if you would like to achieve excellence, you will “dump” Mr. Berkoff and as soon as possible. (beat) Now, let’s move on to some ear testing, shall we?
Shift to TED as the instructor. TED stands and plays a C major chord.
TED
Sing this back to me. (He plays a short melody; RICHARD looks down.) Without looking at the keyboard.
RICHARD sings back the melody.
Shift to RICHARD as the instructor. RICHARD stands and plays a D minor chord.
RICHARD
Clap this back to me. (TED begins to clap and stomp.) Not with your feet, just with your hands.
Shift to TED as the instructor. TED stands and plays an E minor chord.
TED
What is the relative major of E minor? (RICHARD looks down.) NO LOOKING AT THE KEYBOARD!
RICHARD
(to himself) Baruch atah Adonai… G major!
Shift to RICHARD as the instructor. He stands and plays an F minor chord.
Sing a perfect fifth above this note.
He plays a G and TED begins to hum the scale.
Not the notes in between, just the note! (TED sings the note.)
Shift to TED as the instructor. He stands and plays an A minor chord.
TED
What is the sub-dominant of A? (RICHARD counts on his fingers.) No counting! (RICHARD looks down.) No looking at the keyboard!!
RICHARD
D!
Shift
to RICHARD as the instructor. RICHARD stands and plays a G major chord with a B bass.
How many flats are there in C flat major?
TED
Seven.
RICHARD
And they are?
TED
Battle Ends And Down Goes Charles’ Father.
RICHARD
(overtop of TED) no!! Just the letters!!
TED
B-E-A-D-G-C’s father—F.
Shift to TED as the instructor. TED stands and plays a C major chord.
TED
Name Beethoven’s nephew.
RICHARD
Name Beethoven’s nephew?
TED
Name Beethoven’s nephew. (RICHARD looks down.) Without looking at the keyboard!!
TED picks up the clipboard.
Stand over there.
RICHARD crosses to the spotlight downstage centre.
Beethoven’s nephew?
RICHARD
(a wild guess) Uh… Fred?
TED
Correct. (RICHARD, amazed, grins.) Johann Sebastian Bach dates?
RICHARD
1685 to 1750.
TED
Mozart dates?
RICHARD
1756 to 1791.
TED
Beethoven dates?
RICHARD
1770 to 1827.
TED
Three of Bach’s offspring who became composers?
RICHARD
Carl Philipp Emanuel, Johann Christian, and… Fred?
TED
Nice try. Name a Finnish composer.
RICHARD
Sebelius.
TED
Norwegian composer?
RICHARD
Grieg.
TED
Polish composer?
RICHARD
Chopin.
TED
Hungarian composer?
RICHARD
Bartók.
TED
Italian composer?
RICHARD
Vivaldi.
TED
American composer?
RICHARD
Ives.
TED
German composer?
RICHARD
Bach.
TED
(quickly) Another one?
RICHARD
Beethoven.
TED
Another one?
RICHARD
Handel.
TED
Another one?
RICHARD
Strauss.
TED
Another one?
RICHARD
Brahms.
TED
Russian composer?
RICHARD
Rimsky-Korsakov.
TED
(quickly) Another one?
RICHARD
Stravinsky.
TED
Another one?
RICHARD
Shostakovich.
TED
Another one?
RICHARD
Tchaikovsky.
TED
Another one?
RICHARD
Khachaturian.
Beat. RICHARD is quite pleased with himself.
TED
CANADIAN COMPOSER? (big blank from RICHARD) CANADIAN COMPOSER? (blank) What’s your nationality, young man?
RICHARD
Canadian.
TED
And you don’t know a single Canadian composer… well, well.
RICHARD
Do you?
TED
That’s hardly the point.
RICHARD
Shaffer!
TED
First name?
RICHARD
Paul.
TED
That’ll do.
RICHARD
Yes!
TED
Allegro?
RICHARD
A fast-ish tempo.
TED
Adagio?
RICHARD
A slow-ish tempo.
TED
Allegretto.
RICHARD
A little allegro…
TED stops and looks at RICHARD.
TED
Andante?
RICHARD
A moderate walking pace.
TED
Lento?
RICHARD
Slow.
TED
Presto?
RICHARD
Fast.
TED
Molto con brio.
RICHARD
Much with brio, bubbly like the Italian soft drink…
TED stops again to look at him.
TED
Ritardando?
RICHARD
Getting slower.
TED
Crescendo?
RICHARD
Getting louder.
TED
Rallentando?
RICHARD
Held back.
TED
Rubato?
RICHARD
In robbed time.
TED
Tenuto?
RICHARD
Held.
TED
Ornamente?
RICHARD
Ornamentally.
TED
Tranquillemente?
RICHARD
Tranquilly.
TED
Appoggiatura?
RICHARD
It’s a little grace note.
TED
Acatchitura?
RICHARD
Gezundheit.
TED
Thank you.
RICHARD
You’re welcome. (They share a puzzled look.)
TED
Mezzo forte?
RICHARD
Medium loud.
TED
Forte?
RICHARD
Loud.
TED
Fortissimo?
RICHARD
Very loud.
TED
Fortississimo?
RICHARD
Very, very loud.
TED
Fortissississimo?
RICHARD
Very, very, very, loud.
TED
Fortississississississi—
RICHARD
(counting) Very, very, very, very—
TED
Staccato?!
RICHARD
Off.
TED
Legato?
RICHARD
Smooth.
TED
Agitato?
TED throws the clipboard away.
RICHARD
Agitatedly.
TED
Appassionato!!
RICHARD
PASSIONATELY!!
TED
MAESTOSO!!
RICHARD
MAJESTICALLY!!
TED
POLONAISE!!
RICHARD
IN THE POLISH WAY!!
TED
HOLLANDAISE!!
RICHARD
IN THE DUTCH WAY!!
TED
MAYONNAISE!!
RICHARD
IN THE CLUB SANDWICH!!
TED
BAGATELLE!!
RICHARD
IT’S A LITTLE BAGEL!!
TED
ETUDE!!!
RICHARD
IT’S WHAT CAESAR SAID TO BRUTUS!!!
They look at their hands and begin to move away from each other.
BOTH
AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!
When they reach the edge of the stage the lights change and they turn to face each other, biting their nails.
At the Tarragon Theatre, 1996.
Photo by Beatrice Campbell.
NERDS
RICHARD
Hi, Teddy.
TED
Hi, Ricky.
BOTH
How ya doin’? Fine. I haven’t seen you since last year. (nerdy laugh)
RICHARD
So have you finished signing up for the competition yet?
TED
Yup.
RICHARD
Me too. So, what classes are you entered in this year?
TED
Oh boy… there’s the Bach Twelve-and-Under Two Part Inventions.
RICHARD
Oh really? Me too. (They both laugh nerdily.) Which one are you playing?
TED
C major.
RICHARD
Oh yeah. (They both sing a bar or two.)
TED
You?
RICHARD
F major.
TED
Oh sure… (They both sing a bit.) What else?
RICHARD
Twelve-and-Under Chopin Waltzes.
TED
Really? Me too. (They laugh.) Which one?
RICHARD
Number ten. (They sing it.) You?
TED
Number three.
RICHARD
Oh yeah. (They sing it.)
TED
Haydn Sonata?
RICHARD
No, actually.
TED
No?
RICHARD
No.
TED
No?
RICHARD
No.
TED
Oh.
RICHARD
My teacher says that the sonata they chose for the competition this year is not one of Haydn’s better sonatas. I’m doing Contemporary Music instead.
TED
Oh really. I prefer music that has a melody. (They both sniff.) Oh. I’m also in the Sixteen-and-Under Concerto Class.
RICHARD
The Bach D Minor?
TED
The Bach D Minor, yup.
RICHARD
Oh really?
TED
Yeah.
RICHARD
(beat) Me too.
TED
Oh really? (Pause, then they both laugh warily.) Have you memorized it yet?
RICHARD
Pretty much. Listen, how fast are you playing it?
TED
Oh I don’t know…a hundred and four, hundred and eight BPMS. You?
RICHARD
A hundred and twelve.
TED
Well sure, I tried it that fast but my teacher says it’s too fast. (They both sniff.)
RICHARD
Well, one of us is bound to win.