"That was very good, wasn't it?" Alice simply nodded, to keep Humpty happy. "Well, I have another then. It's better, I think. It's called, 'Let's Kill Alice With A Butcher Knife'."
Alice jumped, and her eyes flew wide open in shock. What had happened to her beloved Humpty Dumpty? "What?" she stammered, suddenly frightened.
"Let's kill Alice with a butcher knife," recited Humpty.
"Let's kill her all day long.
Let's chop her head and hack her hands,
And sing this happy song."
Humpty's voice grew low and sinister. He leaned forward toward Alice, and knitted his brows in an evil sneer.
"We'll kill Alice with a butcher knife,
A sharp one in her chest,
We'll cut her heart and every part
And sing our song the best."
Humpty continued to lean closer, and Alice began to back away. Anything could happen, now; she knew that Wonderland was no longer a safe and innocent place. She began to worry that she might die there.
Alice prepared to run away, to escape from Humpty if he got any closer. She was too scared to interrupt the poem, though; Humpty Dumpty continued to snarl his lines, looking more frightening every minute.
"I'll kill Alice with a butcher knife,
I'll chop her limb from limb,
I'll make her bleed and kick and scream
And cook her on a whim!"
Now, Humpty was leaning so close, he was almost tipped over the fence. Alice could feel his breath in her face, like soft-boiled eggs, and she caught her own breath in fear.
The, suddenly, Humpty screamed at her, at the top of his lungs (if, indeed, he had any): "BOOOO!!" he bellowed. "BOOO!!"
Alice shrieked and ran away, scared completely out of her wits. She shut her eyes and held her ears and raced off out of the light, screaming as she went. Behind her, she heard Humpty Dumpty chortling, cackling at his big joke.
Alice ran, as fast as she could. She wanted to get away, she wanted to get out of Wonderland. It wasn't the same anymore, not at all; everything had changed, and become frightening. She wanted to escape, even if she had to go back through the mirror to Tom and Queenie. Her beloved land, her last remaining sanctuary, had been turned against her, and she wanted to go somewhere and hide.
Faster and faster she ran, screaming over and over again, Humpty's horrid poem echoing in her mind. She opened her eyes, expecting to see the darkness she was dashing back into...
And found herself running toward the light instead. The faster she ran away from it, the closer she got; she tried to stop, to run toward it so she could get away, but it was too late. In seconds, she was once again within the bright spot of light, racing toward Humpty Dumpty.
Humpty was still laughing, rocking back and forth on the picket fence and holding his sides. He did not see Alice coming until it was too late.
"Help!" screamed Alice, helplessly plunging toward him, trying unsuccessfully to stop. "Look out!"
"What?" chuckled Humpty, looking up.
Before he could move, or even speak again, Alice plowed into him, pitching him off the fence. He fell to the ground behind it, and smashed instantly into countless pieces. The huge yellow yolk that had been his insides splattered everywhere, covering the ground, the picket fence, and Alice.
Alice herself broke the fence and tumbled to the ground on top of Humpty. She was smothered with the rotten-smelling yolk, and could not breathe as she plunged downward. She tried to scream, but yolk rushed in her mouth and down her throat and choked her.
Then, as soon as she felt the hard ground beneath her, she was somewhere else.
*****
Chapter Three: Bride And Gloom
Through a haze of yolk, Alice looked up, and saw that she was in another circle of light. Humpty and the shattered fence were nowhere to be seen, so she supposed that she had been whisked to another part of Wonderland. She remembered that when she ran toward something, she couldn't reach it; but when she stopped and sat down, she traveled immediately where she wanted to go. Wonderland physics had thrown her around again.
"Hello, down there," said a voice suddenly, somewhere above and to the left of her. "Hello, I say."
Alice spit out some yolk, then rolled onto her back and wiped some from her eyes and face. After some of the stuff had come off, she could again see clearly, and, being on her back, she could see who was speaking above her.
"I say, are you all right?" It was the Gryphon, another of Alice's friends from before. Alice smiled weakly, glad to see another familiar face, hoping that this one had not changed.
"Oh, yes, thank you," said Alice, sitting up. "I'm just a little eggy right now. I'll be better presently."
"Oh, that's fine," said the Gryphon. "I know just how you feel. I'm always a little eggy, especially after I wake up in the morning. If I don't get my forty winks, I'm always eggy, eggy and lumpy."
Alice laughed. "You mean edgy, don't you? You are edgy and grumpy in the morning."
"No, not at all," said the Gryphon. "Never. Just eggy and lumpy. I get a little pouchy, maybe, even charitable. Never edgy, though. All I ever need is a few good turns from the egg whisk, and I'm set right for the day. Here, let me help you up." The Gryphon extended a claw and helped Alice get to her feet. He was a strange-looking creature, but no different than she remembered him; his top half was that of an eagle, with a beak and wings and talons, and his bottom half was that of a lion. He was an imposing animal, but had such a pleasant manner that he was hardly frightening.
"Thank you very much," said Alice, wiping yolk from her housedress. The white blouse was now hopelessly yellow, and the black skirt was smeared and sticky. "Oh, it's so good to see you again," she went on. "It really is. I missed you so."
"Well, I didn't miss you, I'm afraid. Truth to tell, I never really looked for you, so how could I miss you?" The Gryphon paused and pointed over Alice's shoulder with one talon. "This fellow missed you once, I believe."
Alice turned, and was pleased to see the Mock Turtle standing there behind her. He was sobbing away, as usual, wiping tears with one flipper.
"I did miss you," blubbered the Mock Turtle, "but only once. I looked under a rock, and thought maybe you were hiding there. You weren't there, so I missed you. I was so unhappy." He burst into a fresh spate of tears.
"Where is everyone else?" asked Alice, looking around. There was no one else in the circle of light, and nothing but a patch of flowers at the far end. Alice thought that they were roses. "So far, you're the only ones I've seen. Except for Humpty Dumpty, that is, but...I'm afraid he..."
"He was asleep?" suggested the Gryphon. "He needs lots of sleep, I know, since he's always eggy."
"Sort of." Alice hesitated, not sure how to put it into words. "Actually, he...I..."
"You missed him?" prompted the Mock Turtle, between sobs. "He's easy to miss, except around Easter-time."
"No, not really. Actually, I did quite the opposite, I'm afraid."
"You found him?" asked the Gryphon.
"No, I wasn't even looking for him. I didn't want to see him, I mean."
"You should have shut your eyes," said the Mock Turtle.
"Or put them out," added the Gryphon. "That would solve it, certainly."
"No, no. I mean I hit him. I didn't miss him, I hit him." Alice looked down at her dress, suddenly realizing what she had done.
"You hit him?" said the Gryphon, his beak dropping in disbelief.
"You hit him?" said the Mock Turtle, tears running faster from his wide eyes.
"You hit him?" they said, together.
"Yes, I'm sorry, but I guess I did. He was awfully mean to me, and I tried to run away. I ran, but I just ended up back where I started from. I couldn't stop, so I hit him." Alice looked at the two creatures, who were staring at her in shock and disgust. "I tried to run away," she said, a pleading tone in her voice.
"Worst thing you could do," said the Gryphon. "Just horrible. A hit-and-run."
"More like a run-and-hit," said the Mock Turtle.
"Exactly. It makes little difference now, you know. Humpty Dumpty's gone, poor old thing. You're a murderess now, you know." He pointed an accusatory claw at Alice, and his voice shook. "Murderess! You'll go to trial now, that's for sure!"
"You're probably going to die," added the Mock Turtle.
"What?" gasped Alice, shocked once again. "But, but I didn't mean it. I tried to run away..."
"Hmph," snorted the Gryphon. "That will be exactly the argument of the prosecutor. You tried to establish an albino, to cover your grime. It didn't work, though."
"Right," said the Mock Turtle, still crying. "Albinos are notoriously very messy. They are also very pale. We can see right through yours, dear."
"Mm-hm," muttered the Gryphon, clasping his claws behind his back and pacing. "Let's see...you'll be up on charges of Thrift, Pesticide and Breaking and Splattering. Then there's Murder, of course. They'll read you your writing, and then sentence you to poison."
"Don't you mean they'll read me my rights?" said Alice, almost in tears.
"No, I meant what I said. They read you your writing, so they can identify you. If you don't recognize it, they'll throw you out, of course."
"I could lie about it," said Alice.
"No, that wouldn't do at all. They would probably pick you right up and get on with the trial. Now then, as I was saying, they will sentence you to poison..."
"You mean prison, don't you?" asked Alice, confused and scared.
"No, poison. They're not going to let you get away with this, certainly. This is a serious grime, you know. Just look at your dress, dear; that yolk will never come out." The Gryphon shook his head and clicked his tongue. "You've about had it. You'll be barbadoed, even barbequed for this."
Alice finally broke into tears. She sobbed loudly, and held her face in her hands. "Oh, no. What will I do?" she choked.
The Mock Turtle walked over and put a flipper on her shoulder. "Now, now. Don't cry, please. It's bad for you."
Alice turned and noticed that tears were still pouring down his face. "Why do you still do it, then?" she sobbed.
"I said it was bad for you, not for me."
"Oh, let's get on with this," said the Gryphon, impatiently. "You only have two choices left, dear. Either we beat you and cuff you and send you to trial...or you marry us. What will it be, hm?"
Alice froze. Once more, her Wonderland had become horrible, once more, it had twisted into a scary and dangerous place. What had happened to the sunny, magic land of her youth? What had happened? How was she to escape?
"W-what? Why do I have to marry you both? Isn't that bigamy?"
"Why yes, I suppose it would be big of you. It would certainly make the both of us quite happy, I'm sure. You really don't have much choice, though." The Gryphon took a pocket watch from beneath his feathers and flipped it open. "I can only give you five minutes to decide, dear. Make it snappy, hm? We really must make out the guest list, you know."
"Oh, we will be so happy together," bawled the Mock Turtle. "We'll make a lovely couple, all three of us. I'm so much in love already." He put a flipper around Alice's shoulder and pulled her close. She cringed, looking around desperately for some way to escape.
"What if they find me innocent?" she stammered. "What if I am innocent? It was only an accident, after all. I really didn't mean it."
In reply, the Gryphon stared Alice coldly in the eye. "Do you know who the judge will be?" he asked, simply.
"Why no, I don't. Who will it be?"
"The Queen of Hearts. You now have three minutes."
Alice's head swam. She remembered the lunatic Queen, who constantly ordered that everyone's head be lopped off. Truly, Alice did not have much of a chance, if the Queen were judge. What was she going to do?
"Your time is up," the Gryphon said sharply. "What is your decision?"
Alice thought furiously, trying to pull away from the Mock Turtle's flipper. "Uh, I, uh...I want to go to trial."
"Hmph," snorted the Gryphon, walking toward her. "Soon enough. First, we must have the wedding."
"And the honeymoon," the Mock Turtle added eagerly.
"Wait! You said I had two choices! You said I could marry you two, or go to trial! Are you going back on your word?" Alice's heart pounded wildly, and her skin grew clammy and cold.
"No, no, dear. Of course not." The Gyphon narrowed his eyes and tilted his beak downward in an evil scowl. "I said you had two choices, and you do. I didn't say you could take one or the other, though. Really, I just wondered which you preferred to go first."
"But I said I wanted the trial! Why shouldn't that go first, now?" Alice felt as if she were sinking, as if she were being dragged inexorably downward, with nothing left to hold onto. She was beginning to panic.
"Because, you're a criminal. It doesn't matter what you say." The Gryphon laughed cruelly, then grabbed one of Alice's arms with his claw. "I take this woman to be our awful wedded wife."
"To halve and to whole," said the Mock Turtle.
"Till breath do us part," sneered the Gryphon. "I do."
"Time for the honeymoon," said the Mock Turtle, pressing his flipper against Alice's ear.
Suddenly, Alice started flailing at the creatures, trying to break their grasp and run off into the darkness. She swung her arms in all directions, slapping them, scratching them, trying to escape. She screamed and kicked, throwing herself against them with all her might.
But it did no good. For one thing, the Mock Turtle's flippers were more powerfulthan they looked, and they were too slippery for Alice to get a grip on. For another, the Gryphon's claws were clasped around her arms like vices, and she couldn't loosen them in the least. The harder she fought, in fact, the tighter the claws and flippers became. Try as she might, she simply could not break free; the creatures would not budge, and did not seem fazed by her screaming.
Still, Alice kept fighting with all her strength. She raged like a berzerker, screaming and battling as if she were possessed. Tears streamed down her face and she screamed until she was hoarse. She bit one of the Mock Turtle's flippers, drawing a thick green ooze; a bit of it caught in her mouth, and tasted like soup.
"Help!!" shrieked Alice. "Help me!!"
"Oh, come now," sneered the Gryphon. "Don't be so feisty, hm? It will only make it worse, you know. I love women who play hard to get."
"Do let's take her to the bed," cried the Mock Turtle. "She certainly seems eager enough."
"Yes-s-s-s," hissed the Gryphon, his eyes flashing. "She does, at that."
"There's no bed here!!" shouted Alice, desperately looking for some way out.
"Oh, yes there is. You don't think we would be so callous as to forget a boudoir for our blushing bride? Right over there." The Gryphon pointed his beak across the light, toward the patch of roses Alice had noticed earlier. "That will be your wedding bed, my princess. What more could you ask?"
"Yes, it's a flower bed," said the Mock Turtle. "Roses, no less."
With that, the two dragged Alice toward the roses. She thrashed and howled all the way, but it still did no good.
The Gryphon threw her down on the flowers; then, he and the Mock Turtle fell on top of her. Alice was smothered with feathers and slimy flesh. She choked, too horrified to scream or to fight anymore, certain that she would die...
And then they were gone.
*****
Chapter Four: A Spat Of Tea
"What?" Alice lay there for a minute, too weak, too utterly terrified to move. The Gryphon and the Mock Turtle had disappeared, all at once, and she was lying alone on the ground...
No! She had disappeared! Wonderland physics! When she touched the ground, she had been whisked away to another place! Alice thanked God for her escape, grateful to be alive.
Then, she heard voices.
"Oh, come on. I've had enough of your impertinence! Drink up, and I'll kill you." The voice was strange, but familiar; Alice remembered it, but could not quite
place whom it belonged to.
"You're always losing your temper. You're just mad, that's all." Alice knew this voice, too, but again could not quite recall whose it was.
Slowly, she lifted her head and looked around. Once again, she was in the midst of a circle of light, surrounded by darkness on all sides. There was nothing in the light on the side she was in; on the other side, however, there was a huge table. Around the table were high-backed chairs, and in the chairs were more of her old acquaintances: along one side of the table sat Tweedledee and Tweedledum, the Duchess, the White Rabbit and the Dormouse; along the other side were the March Hare and the Mad Hatter. The seat at the head of the table was empty.
Presently, the Mad Hatter and the White Rabbit were having an argument, each shouting and waving his teaspoon at the other. In the course of their bickering, the two were knocking over teacups and sugar-bowls and generally upending the table-setting. As she pulled herself to her feet, Alice heard the clinking of china and silver and the angry protests of guests as they had tea spilled on them.
"Now, see here," shouted the Hatter, shaking with rage. "I resent that! I invited you here for tea, and all you've done is abuse my hospitality!"
"What?!" yelled the Rabbit, his ears wiggling. "You fop! You dandy! How dare you? Since my arrival, I have been the finest of guests! My etiquette has been impeccable!"
"Ha! You have behaved like a savage ever since you sat at this table! You disgrace me with your lack of manners!" The Hatter flung his teaspoon at the Rabbit, who ducked his head so the spoon passed harmlessly between his ears.
In turn, the Rabbit hurled his own teaspoon at the Hatter; it struck him square on the nose, then bounced to the table with a ping.
"Thank you very much," said the Hatter, rubbing his nose.
6 More Fantasy Stories Page 10