My Pirate Lover

  She opened her eyes, curious to see what the afterlife was like.

  Heaven or hell? It was hard to tell. The sky above was golden and heavenly but the face peering down at her was most definitely hellish.

  The man was as bony as a stray dog and had huge, bulbous eyes that made him look like a worried frog. His cheeks were sunken and he had pale, wispy hair on his head and chin.

  He squatted at Josephine’s side, holding something out to her.

  When Josephine realized it was a bottle of water she snatched it from him and sucked on it greedily.

  Next he held up a chunk of bread which Josephine also snatched up and consumed.

  He held up his third offering with a guilty grin.

  “Give me those!” snapped Josephine, snatching her knickers from him.

  “It weren’t me what took em off you,” gulped the pirate. “It were the sea.” He said the last bit in a hushed whisper, as if afraid the sea might hear him and take offence.

  In the time Josephine had spent in the company of pirates, she’d learnt that they were a superstitious lot. No wonder Captain Bloody was able to make them believe he was a god with a few tricks and some showmanship.

  “I saved yer other pants too,” said the pirate, eyes still fixed on her knickers. “So ye won’t be getting’ chilly legs just wearin’ them tiny bloomers.”

  Josephine noticed that her captor had preserved her modesty by wrapping a shirt around her lower half like a sarong. He even sat with his back to her while she got dressed.

  “So,” said Josephine, once she was decent. “What’s this all about?”

  The pirate gave her a grin that was more gappy than toothy and said, “I’m here to save ya!”

  #

  Josephine held back tears as the pirate told her how Lance had been captured by Captain Bloody and chained to an oar on The Bloody Throne.

  “I think we got off on the wrong foot,” said the pirate when he had concluded his news report. “My name’s Lenny Humphries and I’m-”

  “I know what you are!” spat Josephine. “You’re one of Bloody’s pirates!”

  “Was one of Cap’n Bloody’s pirates. Was one of em.”

  “What, you mean you’re not anymore?”

  “Mutiny!” stated Lenny with pride.

  “You mutinied against Bloody and lived to tell the tale?”

  “Well,” mumbled Lenny, his scrawny chest deflating like a popped balloon. “Cap’n Bloody doesn’t know I mutinied against him yet.”

  “Why would you turn against your boss now that he’s king of the seas?”

  “Because o’ me arm,” said Lenny pointing to the stump. His froggy eyes started welling up as he spoke. “You see, I was gonna quite piratin’ an’ get me a job in a fancy establishment playin’ the piano.” Lenny fluttered the fingers of his right hand over an imaginary keyboard and then looked at the empty air where the fingers of his left hand were not fluttering. “Won’t be doin’ that now, will I?”

  For the rest of the day, they sailed across the vast, blue sea.

  Lenny talked on and on about music.

  He had three ways of saying the word piano.

  When he was overemphasising with emotion he pronounced it, pee-anne-ist.

  When he was babbling with excitement it came out, pissed.

  Worst of all was when his speech speed was normal; then it sounded for all the world like, penis.

  Under less miserable circumstances Josephine would have found it funny. Especially the penis one.

  Night fell. The stars came out and it was against their silver light that Josephine and Lenny saw the three- masted, silhouette of The Bloody Throne.

  #

  They sat for a while, taking stock of the

  situation.

  Ripple Thief was at anchor and Captain Bloody and most of his crew were onboard, celebrating their victory.

  The prisoners, including Lance, who were onboard The Bloody Throne were forced to row circles around the stationary Ripple Thief.

  As Josephine and Lenny drew closer they could hear music. Josephine almost laughed. It was Lady Gaga.

  “He be playin’ his evil box again,” whispered Lenny. “With its wicked sirens inside!”

  “That isn’t even her worst,” said Josephine, rolling her eyes. “Wait till you hear ‘Telephone.’”

  As far as a plan was concerned, Lenny told Josephine, his was to save her then the two of them would save Lance, then the three of them would defeat Captain Bloody, reclaim Ripple Thief and sail off into the sunset.

  Josephine envied his optimism.

  At least he was practical enough to make sure they were well provisioned for their quest- and well armed.

  They rummaged through the bags he’d bought and decked themselves with belts, swords, daggers and pistols.

  That done, they swung up a grappling hook and climbed aboard The Bloody Throne.

  Josephine didn’t exactly trust Lenny but she soon found out it could be quite handy to have a partner who had once worked for the enemy.

  The man guarding the galley slaves was a big, burly brute who never let the whip lie still.

  “How are we supposed to get past him?” whispered Josephine.

  “You just leave that to Lenny,” he whispered back. He stood up and wandered out in plain sight.

  “Ahoy there, Burke!” Josephine heard Lenny say.

  “Lenny, you old bilge rat! What are ye doing o’er here? I thought ye’d be on Ripple Thief, drinkin’ yerself up to pukin’!”

  “Didn’t think I’d forget me old mates back here, did ya?” said Lenny. “See, I bought ye something’. Fancy a wee sip, do ya?”

  Burke gave an affirmative growl and Josephine heard the squeaky twist and pop of a cork.

  “Why, it’s naught but wa-”

  There was a thump. Josephine peeked around the corner to see that Burke was sprawled on his face.

  “Ye didn’t think I’d waste perfectly good grog on you, did ya?” said Lenny, searching his ex-comrade for the keys.

  Josephine ran down the aisle to Lance. Lenny had warned her of the condition they would find him in. Captain Bloody had left orders for his crew to make sure Lance’s life was particularly awful and they had gleefully obliged.

  Water and rest had been withheld from him and terrible red welts criss-crossed his back. He was dripping with blood and sweat and seemed barely aware of his surroundings.

  When he was freed from the shackles he fell back against Josephine and lay with his head in her lap while his newly liberated men gathered around.

  “Oh, Lance. What have they done to you?” Josephine asked, stroking his matted hair.

  “You’re one of Bloody’s men,” said Lance, peering at Lenny. He looked at Josephine. “You switched sides?”

  “Not her,” said Lenny. “Begging your pardon, it’s me what’s swapped sides.” He squared up his narrow shoulders and said, “I mutinied!”

  “I think he’s telling the truth,” said Josephine. “If not for him I’d still be on the island and you’d still be in chains.”

  “It’s all too late,” moaned Lance, letting his eyes flutter closed. “I shan’t rise again. So ends Captain Breakheart, in the bowels of his enemy’s ship.”

  Most of the men didn’t have hats to take off so they took off their bandanas instead and held them over their hearts.

  “What?” said Josephine. “You’re just giving up?”

  “I‘m spent. It‘s over,” sighed Lance.

  “Captain Bloody has won then,” said Josephine. “He’ll use his future toys to make the world think he’s a god.” She sighed and shook her head. “I guess he’s Ripple Thief’s captain now.”

  “Stop, stop,” moaned Lance, but Josephine persisted.

  “He won’t bother to keep her clean, you know. He’ll toss all your books into the sea. He’ll read your log. He’ll make a mess of your cabin. He’ll try on all your clothes and rip the seams. Oh, and he’ll probably finish what he started
with me.”

  Lance’s eyes grew wide like those of a tortured man.

  “Oh, yes,” said Josephine, almost conversationally. “He’ll do whatever he pleases with me. And he’ll do it in your bed!”

  “Why are you saying these things?”

  “I’m just telling you what a Lance-less world will be like.”

  “Josie…” moaned Lance.

  Josephine’s tone turned serious. “The world needs you, Lance. Your crew need you.” She bit her lower lip and added softly, “I need you.”

  Lance stopped moaning and stared up at Josephine. A spark ignited in his eyes.

  Slowly, painfully, he moved. He raised his head, bent his knees and pushed himself to his feet.

  From where Josephine sat, Lance looked like a statue righting itself.

  Lance raised his chin and squared up his broad shoulders.

  The men cheered. They had their captain back.

  Josephine handed Lance his sword. His fingers slid like snakes beneath the four bars that swept upwards around the tang.

  Lenny draped a waistcoat over Lance’s shoulders like a cape. Whether by luck or intuition, he’d brought the red one.

  Oh yes, thought Josephine, looking at the fierce glow in Lance’s eyes, the day of reckoning had come.

  #

  The galley slaves’ joy at their liberation was somewhat deflated when their captain ordered them to, ‘sit down and start rowing you squid-eyed crustaceans!’.

  Lance’s reasoning was that if Captain Bloody or any of his pirates saw the oars had stopped, they’d know something had happened. Lance and his pirates were outnumbered and the only advantage they had was the element of surprise and the time to prepare.

  They started by searching Captain Bloody’s cabin for the Lightning Glass.

  “I’ll check the cupboards,” said Lance, “Josie, you search the chests, and you,” Lance snapped his fingers at Lenny, “What’s your name, Mr Mutiny?”

  “Lenny Humphries, if you please, sir,” said Lenny, his big, watery eyes wide with devotion.

  “Right, you search under the bed.”

  “Aye, Cap’n!”

  “This chest is padlocked,” said Josephine. “Nothing’s going to open that.”

  Lance whipped a pistol from his belt and pulled the trigger.

  There was a sharp bang, a lot of smoke and the padlock was hanging open on the chest.

  “Never say never, lass, not when I’m around,” said Lance, grinning.

  The chest turned out to contain a stash of Captain Bloody’s future toys. Josephine found cigarettes, lighters, a pair of walkie-talkies, a doll with red hair, a mobile phone- her mobile phone!

  Josephine picked it up and turned it on. Not surprisingly, it informed her there was no signal.

  “Josie?” said Lance, when he saw the tears in her eyes.

  “That’s me and Katie, just before we boarded Little Bounty,” said Josephine. “I got one of the other passengers to take a photo of us and I made it my new wallpaper.”

  Lance may not have understood much of what she was talking about but he understood enough to place a hand on her shoulder and say, “You’ll see her again, Josie.”

  Josephine switched the phone off, sniffed back her tears and kept searching.

  “May I just say,” said Lenny, “that it would be a great honour to call you Cap‘n, Mr Breakheart?”

  Lance considered the one-armed pirate before saying, “Alright. Your first job is to reclaim Ripple Thief and bring me Bloody’s head. Think you can manage that?”

  “I’ll do my best for ye, Cap’n,” gushed Lenny.

  “Just out of curiosity,” said Lance, “why would you choose now to swap sides?”

  “Cap’n Bloody ruined me dreams o’ goin’ ashore and becomin’ a penis!”

  Lance opened his mouth, shut it and turned to Josephine.

  “A pianist,” she translated.

  “Oh,” said Lance, sounding relieved.

  Josephine moved on to another chest and found herself rummaging shoulder deep in lace, silk and taffeta.

  Josephine gasped.

  “What is it?” cried Lance, leaping over a chair to get to her. “Have you found the Lightning Circle?”

  “This dress,” said Josephine, holding it up. “It’s so beautiful.”

  It was a lavender dress with a layered skirt, pearl buttons and at least a kilometre of lace.

  Lance wasn’t impressed.

  “Avast!” cried Lenny. “Look what I’ve found!”

  “It better not be a dress,” muttered Lance.

  “Is this it, Cap’n?” asked Lenny, holding up his prize.

  “Yes!” breathed Lance. “That’s it!”

  In his joy, Lenny tossed the Lightning Circle from one hand to the other, forgetting that he had no second hand to catch it with.

  Before anyone realized what was happening, the Lightning Circle hit the ground. The sound of glass shattering froze the room.

  “Oops,” said Lenny.

  #

  “Alright,” said Lance to the small crowd huddled around the cannon with him. “This should take out Ripple Thief’s mainmast or at least bring down the rigging.”

  Every now and then, Lance would shoot Lenny a sharp look and Lenny would hang his head, shamefaced.

  They’d done their best to stick the shards of Lightning Glass back into the circle and Lance felt fairly sure that it would still work. He was holding onto it for safekeeping and no one else was allowed to touch it- especially not Lenny.

  “Here goes,” said Lance. He bought the flame near the cannon’s fuse and then, just as it was about to touch, he jerked it away. He took a few deep breaths and tried again. Again he pulled the flame away at the last moment.

  Finally he lit the fuse, only to cry, “No!” and tried to blow the spark out. That of course, didn’t work so Lance whipped a dagger from his belt and cut the fuse.

  “I can’ t do it!” he said. “I just can’t fire on my own ship!” He got to his feet and glared at those with him and then a cocky grin spread across his face. “Maybe we should throw a party of our own,” he said. “And everyone’s invited.”

  “What, even Bloody?” asked Lenny.

  “Especially Bloody.”

  #

  “Ahoy there!” Lance yelled through the speaking trumpet. The pirates on Ripple Thief were drunk and the music very loud. They didn’t hear him. He yelled again and was again ignored so he gave a signal to Lenny and Curry.

  Lenny and Curry loaded up a cannon with the skulls they’d taken down from the bowsprit. Lenny lit the fuse, stepped back and stuck a finger in his ear.

  The cannon boomed and rolled back violently before getting caught by its breeching. Smoke filled the air and white bones rattled through the sky.

  Over on Ripple Thief, it was raining skulls and mandibles.

  The rowdy pirates stopped partying.

  The music was promptly turned off and Captain Bloody appeared, his beard soggy with grog and a skull in one hand.

  Lance grabbed a rope and leapt up onto the rail.

  “Ahoy, there!” he called cheerily through the speaking trumpet.

  “Lance! You son of a-”

  “Bloody, me old mate! How’s the party? I just wanted to say thanks for the ship!”

  Captain Bloody didn’t need a speaking trumpet to be heard. He bellowed out his rage like a wild bull and threw curses across the water. He pulled back his arm and hurled the skull he held. It fell short of hitting Lance, and smashed against The Bloody Throne’s hull.

  Lance waved goodbye and dropped down onto the deck.

  “That should get him over here,” he said to his men.

  From across the water Captain Bloody yelled, “Raise the red flag!”.

  #

  “Stay here!” said Lance, pointing at Josephine as she sat demurely on a chair.

  “Sure,” said Josephine. She didn’t want to be in Captain Bloody’s cabin. It stank and held bad memories for
her.

  “Not like before,” said Lance. “Not like when I said, ‘stay!’ and you said (he stuck out his chest, shrugged up his shoulders and said in a high voice) ‘aye, aye, Cap’n .” Lance scowled. “And then you turn up at my side with a sword and facial hair! This time, you’re to stay put, safe and sound, away from all the bloodthirsty pirates. Except me. Understood?”

  “Understood,” said Josephine.

  “And you!” Lance whirled on Lenny making the poor man shake so hard his bony knees started knocking. “You’re to stay with her and make sure she doesn’t leave!”

  “Aye, aye, Cap’n!” said Lenny.

  “Good,” said Lance. “I’ll take care of Bloody and then I’ll be back.”

  Josephine muttered something.

  “What was that?” asked Lance sharply.

  “I said, that’s what you said before when you left me on the island,” said Josephine. “And you didn’t come back, did you?”

  “And do you know what that taught me?”

  “No, what?”

  “To never leave anything important unsaid. Josephine of the other-world, I love you.”

  Josephine was stunned. Before she could find her voice for a response, Lance was gone.

  #

  Captain Bloody and his men swarmed The Bloody Throne with the confidence of knowing that they greatly outnumbered their enemy.

  They might not have felt so confident had they known that Lance had covered the ship with booby traps.

  Cannons were everywhere, waiting at the bottom of the stairs, the ends of dark corridors and inside rooms, ready to fire when the door opened.

  There were also buckets of hot tar balanced on top of doors, ropes pulled taut at ankle level, and bullets, grapeshot and caltrops scattered over the deck making it as slippery as ice.

  And, of course, the galley slaves were waiting to ambush the pirates who made it through the gauntlet.

  “Where is he?” bellowed Captain Bloody as his men fell victim to the traps. “Where is that mangy dog?”

  Lance swung down from the rigging and dropped lightly onto the deck behind Captain Bloody.

  “You called?” he said politely.

  Captain Bloody whirled around and without hesitation threw a boarding axe at Lance’s head.

  Lance ducked it.

  “What have you done to me ship?” yelled Captain Bloody.