by Dana Arden
I called Dani and let her know where we were headed, so that they could bring Albin to the hospital. He is Sadie’s next of kin besides Lyla and she’s too little to have to handle this situation.
Jenna is beside herself thinking if she’d have knocked on Mrs. Johnson’s door she could have helped. It took a good twenty minutes to get her to understand that if she’d have interrupted them she could have been laying right beside Mrs. Johnson with matching wounds. It’s still up in the air if she’s going to come back to Cumming or stay in Erwin, but I let her know that whatever she decides I’d support her. This is the first time in years that she’s been completely independent and not relying on someone else.
Trigger and Banshee have been lost in thought since they watched Sadie be carted off in the ambulance, as was mostly everyone in the room. I have no idea what’s going through their heads, but I can only imagine and in my imagination, it’s full of dread and despair. We’ve discussed the baby in a clinical sense, but not in the sense of it physically being here and I regret that. I tried to make it priority number one, but with a mother like Sadie, it was hard. She came at us full force at every turn, which left us only thinking about how to control her in the situation.
Pulling into the parking lot of Unicoi County Memorial Hospital and parking, the men don’t budge. I shut off the truck and exit. I round the front and open first Trigger’s door and then Banshee’s. They still don’t move.
“Boys!” I yell. Their heads swivel to mine. “Let’s go.”
They slowly peel themselves off the seats and we walk to the doors with me in the middle of the two leather-clad bikers. Before we enter, the sound of pipes rumbling has me looking over my shoulder to see Beanie, Buzzard, Rudy, Marc, Brute, Red, Taz and a dark SUV roll through the parking lot.
We don’t even wait for them. We enter the waiting room and I place the men in chairs along the wall. I walk to the reception desk and a petite blonde in pink scrubs greets me with a warm smile.
“How can I help you, ma’am?” She says sweetly.
“Hi,” I motion to the men seated behind me, “we’re looking for information on Serafina Breaux. She was brought in after an incident in a high-speed chase. She’s pregnant and one of them is the father. We’d really like to know how the baby is doing.” A squeeze to my right shoulder has me glancing back to see Beanie with a sad smile.
“Are y’all family?” I shake my head. “I’m sorry ma’am, but I can’t give you any information.”
“What about the baby?”
“Again, I can’t give you any information pertaining to the patient unless you are a blood relative or married to her.”
“Okay. Thank you.” I turn to go take a seat and Beanie stops me.
“Albin will be here soon. They left as soon as Dani got off the phone with you.” I nod. “Come on, Razz. You’ve been strong for those two for the entire trip. Let their brothers take over for now.”
“Sure.” I whisper.
Taking a seat next to Trigger, I relay that I wasn’t able to get any information on either Sadie or the baby. He doesn’t look at me. He doesn’t move from his slouched position. Fuck, a grunt is better than nothing and I can’t even get that. I take in the room and my eyes lock with Rudy. He motions with a tilt of his head for me. I squeeze Trigger’s thigh and excuse myself.
As I approach Rudy, his eyes never leave his son. “He’ll be alright, Razz.”
“I hope so. I can handle silence, but I can’t handle the zombie-like state he’s in. He hasn’t spoken since before we left the Clubhouse and any movement he’s made has been prompted by me.”
Rudy pulls me into a tight hug and whispers into my hair. “Everything will work out the way it was meant to. You just have to have faith. When he’s ready to let you dissect his thoughts, you won’t be able to shut him up.” I nod. “Then, you’re going to want to go back to the moment where he was silent.”
Leaning back, I look him in his eyes and smirk. “Quiet isn’t our way. We both enjoy the gift of gab, so silence is like a death sentence for us.”
Rudy chuckles. “Even when you two were kids, we couldn’t shut y’all up and after trying for years, I gave up. He’ll be fine, Rocky. He’s stronger with you and just needs the time to process.” He bear hugs me and shoves me in Trigger’s direction.
My ass is barely in the chair when Albin runs through the sliding glass doors and rushes the receptionist with Dani following closely. He talks to the receptionist for a few minutes gripping the counter tightly. The receptionist picks up her phone and within a matter of moments, an older man in a white coat steps out of the double doors. Albin faces him and the doctor conveys the situation. I watch in slow motion as Albin falls to his knees and sobs.
The loud wailing of a devastated father echoes through the waiting room followed by the ‘no, no, Serafina, no, no.’ Dani kneels beside him encasing him in a firm hug as tears stream down her cheeks. Trigger finally snaps up and I trail him as he approaches Albin and Dani.
Dani and Albin stand shakily. “She’s gone.” Albin croaks. “She died before they could get her here. My baby’s gone.” He covers his face with his hands as his body is racked with sobs.
“What about the baby?” Trigger questions. I look to him and notice he’s fighting back his own tears by quickly blinking and biting his bottom lip.
The doctor clears his throat. “Sir,” he says calmly to Trigger, “I’m sorry to inform you, but there was no baby.”
“No baby.” Trigger reaffirms and the doctor nods.
Chapter 31
Trigger
“No baby.” I say again. I feel Razz’s small hand grip my larger one.
“Yes, sir.” The doctor affirms. “In our inspection of Ms. Breaux when she arrived in the Emergency Room, she had several lacerations to her arms, legs and stomach. There were no obvious signs of pregnancy. The fatal injury was from a piece of glass that severed her carotid artery. By the time the paramedics got to her, they only had a few minutes at best to try and stop the bleeding, but they were unlucky in doing so.” Albin whimpers beside me. “Her stomach was flat and soft. When the receptionist called back to the nurse’s desk and asked about a baby, we did an internal and external ultrasound to make sure.” The doctor shakes his head. “There was no baby present.”
“Thank you, Dr. Wallace.” Razz says softly. “Sorry for the confusion, but the last time we saw Sadie she had a noticeable baby bump, as well as telling us she was five or so months along.”
“Oh.” The doctor’s face pales and turns to Albin. “I’m sorry for your loss, sir. If there is anything you need, please don’t hesitate to let us know.” With his final words, he turns and strolls back through the double doors.
Sadie, God bless her soul, has been able to crumble my world with two words continuously over the years. I’ve dealt with ‘I’m leaving,’ ‘I object,’ ‘I’m pregnant’ and ‘no baby.’ I should be relieved, but I’m not. Not a single bit.
On the way to the hospital, all I did was picture my baby in my arms. Razz and I raising my child with Emerson and Xander. Images of our kids playing at the farmhouse, riding horses and chasing each other around. But now, all I feel is loss for a child that never even existed.
I glance around the room and notice that Banshee hasn’t moved from his chair. I can guess what’s going through his mind as my own was flooded with what if’s for hours until now.
I tug Razz closer to me. “I need to go let Banshee know what’s going on. Will you come with me?” I plead.
“Of course,” she rises up and kisses my cheek, “I’ll do anything you need.”
We move toward Banshee’s hunched shoulders with his forearms pressed to his thighs. Razz sits next to him and puts her hand on his arm. “Banshee.” She coaxes. His eyes gradually meet hers. “There was never a baby. She wasn’t pregnant.”
His jaw clenches. “Are you fucking kidding me right now? We all saw her pregnant.” He leans back suddenly making Razz’s hand fall from
him. “This is what you wanted isn’t it.” He growls. “You didn’t want there to be a baby. You didn’t want her to be involved in your life, so you went to every extreme to push her away, but she fought you at every turn.” Razz is steadily shaking her head no as tears pool in her eyes. Banshee pushes up from the chair and before he can stomp away, he leaves cutting her with his words. “I hope you’re happy now that you got what she had.” He cuts his eyes to mine and disappears out the exit.
“Is that what you fucking think too?” Razz’s voice is a mix of hurt and anger. “Is that what everyone has been thinking the whole fucking time? I thought I was helping the Chaotic’s with their problems.” I still don’t answer, because I know that isn’t what I thought but I can’t answer for anyone else and apparently I don’t answer in a reasonable amount of time. Her shoulder slams into my chest in her haste to get away from me and I just watch her go.
There’s too much going on to deal with her temper tantrum right now. She’ll cool off and come back to me. This whole situation of Sadie’s death and the realization that even in death she played us once again is overwhelming. The amount of shit we’ve all gone through in a matter of months feels like years of drama upon drama mingling with the love, hate, tears, anger and need for revenge we’ve all felt.
I can’t decipher between being sad or relieved with the death of Sadie and I can’t make sense of the loss of a baby that was never physically present. I know that if Sadie was still alive, I’d probably want to kill her. But in death, I don’t know what emotion overpowers me most loss, regret or relief.
Banshee seems to be battling with anger. His hostility towards Razz wasn’t warranted and I should have stood up for my woman, but I didn’t. The more I realize what I did, the more frantic I feel to get to my wife. I charge out the hospital doors and survey the parking lot. The Tahoe is gone, which only means my wife has taken my silence as a ploy against her and everything she’s fought so hard to protect us from.
I turn to go back inside when I’m faced with Poison and Banshee. Banshee doesn’t seem any less pissed off and Poison seems to be radiating the same. “Get the fuck out of my way. I don’t have time for more bullshit to be spouted out of your mouth.”
“No.” Banshee bellows. “I’m sorry.” He says it so fast I know it isn’t sincere.
“No, you aren’t because if you were, you’d be telling Razz you’re sorry for the shit that exploded out of your mouth.” I try to go around him and he steps in front of me. “Get the fuck out of my way before your ass is kissing the concrete.” I roar.
“No, goddamnit. Let me speak.” I glare at him. “Yes I need to apologize to Razz because I know that none of this is her fault. She was at the wrong place at the wrong time and she delivered the blow I didn’t want to hear.” He sighs. “I wanted that baby to be mine. I wanted to raise a little boy or little girl that’d be surrounded by my Devil family and then I find out that there was never even the potential of there being a baby. That it was all a lie, a scheme in a master plan for a sick bitch to cause havoc on the people around her.”
I nod. “Yeah, I felt the same way, but I didn’t take my anger for Sadie out on Razz. I might not have been very forthcoming with my thoughts about the situation, but I didn’t take my mixed up feelings out on the woman that has looked out for the people she loves and cares about.” I go to step around again and he lets me pass.
“For what it’s worth, I know Razz isn’t to blame and I’ll let her know that the next time I see her.”
“Much appreciated.”
Entering back into the stuffy room, I take in my family. Dani and Albin went to go visit with Sadie before they took her to the morgue. My dad and Brute are congregated in a corner with some of my brothers and Devil’s hanging around. My dad doesn’t notice me until I’m up on him and I hear him mumble, ‘she’s done.’
“Who’s done?” I ask as calmly as I can, shocking the men. No response. “Who’s fucking done?” I say hurriedly.
“Son.” He cajoles. “Your momma just called and said she got off the phone with a very upset Razz saying over and over that she tried to make everything better and she wasn’t enough.”
“She’s just upset. She’ll come to her senses.”
He tilts his head and glances to Brute as if asking for patience. My building temper is sliced when Brute speaks. “Trigger, where’s she at?”
“She left to cool off and have a moment to herself.”
“So, she’s outside.” I shake my head. “She’s in the bathroom.” I shake my head again.
“No!” I bellow. “She left after your brother asked her if she was happy that Sadie was dead and asking her if she was happy she’d gotten everything she wanted.”
“What?” Brute growls.
“Banshee took his frustrations out on Razz when he found out about the baby and said a lot of things that made Razz second guess herself.”
My dad perks up. “And where were you?”
“Standing there like the dumbass that I am. I didn’t stand up for her and I didn’t stop her when she left.”
“What the fuck, Trigger?” Dad questions. “She’s your wife. I don’t care if she’s wrong or right you always have her back. Damnit, haven’t I taught you anything.” He pulls out his phone and I can only assume it’s to call my mom. “Babe.” He grits. “Where are you? Okay. I need you to get her on the phone and find out where she is. I need you to get to her if Trigger isn’t able to first.” I can hear my mom screeching in the phone. “Fine. Love ya.” He hangs up and he daggers me with his cold, hard eyes. “Fuck, Trigger. I can’t even image you letting her leave here as upset as she was. What a fucked up thing to do.”
“I thought she was going outside to cool off. I didn’t think she’d leave me here.”
“You’re an idiot. Razz has been backed in corners all her life without anyone fighting for her except herself. Now, she’s married with kids that depend on her and she can’t depend on her husband to defend her when someone makes her feel like shit.”
“Prez.” Beanie interjects. “I just got off the phone with her. I’m going to meet her.”
“Why you?” I grunt.
“Because apparently she wants to punish herself.” He stares at me and I stare back. “You know her, Trigger. You know that she can’t stand not to have control over her life. She wants me to take it from her, the pain, the anguish and the regret.”
“No, she’s not in the right frame of mind and you’re not going to do it.” I roar.
“I will and I am. She needs someone and that someone is me. I should have never let you get this close to her. I should have rallied behind her when she didn’t want to have anything to do with you. All she’s done since you came back into your life is fight. Fight for her kids. Fight for her love for you. Fight to believe she was enough.”
I grasp his bicep before he can dash off and stand nose to nose with him. “She’s enough and it’s not your place to take care of my woman, my wife, my ol’ lady. Back off, Beanie. Just tell me where she’s going and I’ll take care of her.”
He stands there silent until my dad commands, “tell him, now.”
“She’s headed to the Upper Hand.” He says through clenched teeth.
With no words spoken to anyone, Dad hands me his keys and I hustle out the door to Razz.
Chapter 32
Razz
By the time I reach the Upper Hand, my mind is numb. I’ve tried and failed too much in my life to care at this point. Being numb is a feeling I won’t accept and hopefully, a little physical pain will click my mind back into gear. I need to be strong for my kids and myself. Fuck everyone else. I tried for them and failed. I loved wholeheartedly and didn’t receive the same in return.
I sit at the bar sucking down a margarita that Mike just served me. Liquor isn’t what I need since it’s a numbing agent as well. Numbing rational thought and invading my mind with tidbits of doubt. Self-doubt’s a motherfucker.
I slide off of the b
arstool and thank Mike for my drink before heading to my room. Entering my safe haven, the scents of lavender oil and leather relax me. I lie on my back in the middle of the bed and stare at the ceiling. Mind whirling, heart aching and eyes all dried out, I put my future in perspective. The kids and I can move to Florida permanently. Leaving Cumming behind will leave all my disappointments and regrets with it. Out of sight, out of mind. Yeah that shit won’t be effective.
What feels like minutes of pondering must’ve been hours as I hear the door click. I don’t lift my head. I know its Beanie. He’s been my rock and my confidant. He’s never judged me and he definitely has never accused me of wishing a fate on someone I had no control over.
The sound of footsteps coming closer to the bed interrupts my thoughts. I listen and gauge what will happen next. Anticipation can be a thrill, a gut-twisting-what’s-happening-next thrill. It’s been months since I’ve anticipated someone else’s actions other than Sadie’s and it is wanted.
I want to wake up tomorrow and this day be a distant memory, but that’ll never happen.
“Razz.” The familiar voice growls, but not Beanie’s. Trigger’s. “Get up and get on your knees.” He commands. Tingles run down my spine at Trigger’s demands, but the hostile look on his face makes them dissipate. “Now, Razz.” I do as I’m told and kneel in front of him. “You left.” Not a question so I don’t respond. “Without letting me know where you were going. That’s unacceptable.” He strolls to the closet that holds all my kink and rifles through it. He comes to me with rope and the flogger that Mal gave me for my birthday. “Stand, strip and turn around.” I stand, swivel so my back is to him and quickly discard my clothes without any bravado. “Hands behind your back.” I quickly do as told. “While we were separated and you were in Florida, I had Beanie teach me a few tricks, so that when you came home we’d be able to play. I found that I liked the coarseness of the rope against my hands and all the ways I could wrap, intertwine and bind you.” He tugs on my wrist and the sensation of the coarse rope around my wrist tightening is so consuming I moan. “He, also, showed me how to read a woman’s body when it came to flogging. I know how much you want it and when you’ve had enough.” He whispers the last part against my ear, kisses my shoulder and his warmth disappears. He releases my wrists and they collide with my ass. “Turn and kneel.” And I do with my eyes blazing into his. “We’re going to talk about today and how we both failed each other, but first, I’m going to give you what you crave and then you are going to give me what I desire.” I nod. “Words, Razz.”