Stepping inside the front door of the house, she took a deep breath. If she was going to keep encountering this man, she had to get a handle on her reactions. It wouldn’t work if she appeared jealous and angry all the time. She didn’t want to be that person—or give him the satisfaction.
They were going to be in a wedding together. He might bring a date. He might be inviting Vanessa at this very moment. It was suddenly obvious to Lindsey that she needed to get accustomed to seeing Derek around and that meant she also had to get used to seeing him flirt with women. Because that’s what he did. Lindsey wished it didn’t bother her so much. And why did it? She didn’t want anything to do with the man so it was no skin off her back if he asked Vanessa out.
“Wow.” The sound of Vanessa’s heels on the wood floor behind her made Lindsey cringe. “That Mr. Walsh is incredibly good-looking. Did you see how that tool belt hung on his hips?”
Facing the other way, Lindsey rolled her eyes. “Ah darn. I didn’t notice.”
“You really need to put that man out of his misery. I wish I could do it for you.”
Lindsey turned slowly and tried not to appear startled by the statement. “Misery? What do you mean?”
Vanessa grinned. “Please. That man is seriously hot for you. At first, the way he kept bragging about how talented you were, I thought maybe it was a big-brother kind of feeling. But the minute you pulled in the drive he went all hyperfocus on watching for you. There was no denying the way he looked at you when you walked up.”
Sucking in a shaky breath, Lindsey shook her head. She and Vanessa had exchanged a few e-mails and that was it. They didn’t know one another. They weren’t friends. But suddenly Lindsey had a deep urge to press her for more information, as if they were in the girls’ bathroom in high school.
And yet, what an asshole. How dare he have the nerve to appear interested in her after what he’d done. “It may have appeared that way, but there is nothing going on between us. Honestly, we don’t really get along that well.”
“That’s all just sexual tension. You need to release it. Literally.” Vanessa laughed. “But enough about that. None of my business. Let’s look at this house.”
“Yes,” Lindsey said. Hating that Vanessa’s comments had made her pulse speed up. The last thing she wanted was any attention from Derek. She’d been there done that. Clearly her physical reactions were like muscle memory. She had to show her body who was boss.
Vanessa dropped her purse near the front door and looked up at the two-story entryway. “This is so gorgeous. This morning I looked over the before photos Matt took in December once more. It’s amazing what you all have done. You’ve managed to keep the original look and just make it sparkle.”
Lindsey grinned, her discomfort over the previous ten minutes floating away with the pleasure she felt over a successful design job. “That was my exact goal. I love old houses. Love their charm, their quirks, their soul. But I like to find the perfect balance of new and old.”
Vanessa nodded and held up her phone. “FYI, I’m recording you. Keep talking, I love what you’re saying.”
“Oh, okay,” Lindsey said. The knowledge made her a little nervous, but she knew it was necessary for the article.
Vanessa continued, running her hand along the wainscoting trim that lined the wall. “It’s just lovely. What color will you stain the floors?”
That was all it took for Lindsey to share every detail that was to come. She walked Vanessa through the living room, the kitchen, and the entire upstairs. Lindsey described in detail the plans for the upper cabinets, the island, and the fireplace mantel she planned to construct with reclaimed wood. She answered questions about Anne and Mike, realizing that Derek had really only brushed the surface of their story, allowing Lindsey to elaborate on the proposal, Anne’s blog, and how she planned to use the entire property for her special-event business.
They made their way back to the kitchen where Vanessa stood looking out the back window toward the currently barren wheat field.
“It’s so beautiful here. The entire place just has the most romantic energy. I’m really excited to share the process through these articles.”
“We’re excited, too,” Lindsey said. “As are our readers. Many of the design choices have been made using their input. We’ve let them vote on finishings, colors, even the color of the roof shingles going up now.”
“Well, I think it’s going to be a really popular series for the paper. So many great angles to work with here. The house, the wedding, the blog, the relationships. It will all coincide with Anne’s articles where she will discuss how it ties into the wedding. People adore her and the blog. I just can’t wait.”
Lindsey smiled, so excited for the potential this held for all of them.
“Matt’s stopping by Anne’s this afternoon to take a photo of her and Mike together. Do you mind if I send him by here to get a few shots of the house? Readers love to see things at every stage.”
“Great. And of course he can come by. I’m sure the guys will still be here so the front door will be unlocked.”
Lindsey and Vanessa chatted a few more minutes on the porch and then finally the journalist got in her car and left. Feeling content with how the tour went and what Vanessa’s plans for the feature was, Lindsey headed to her own vehicle on the other side of the van.
She stopped in her tracks when she found Derek waiting for her. His back rested against the driver side door and he was engrossed in texting someone. As soon as he heard her boots on the gravel he stood straight and turned toward her. And there went that muscle memory again, every cell in her body dialing into nervous tingling. Her body was a traitor.
“Hey,” he said, shoving his phone in his pocket.
“I need to get going.” Lindsey reached around him for the door to her SUV.
“Hold on, Linds.” He reached for her arm but she pulled back and stared at him.
“What part of ‘leave me alone’ don’t you understand?”
He smirked. “Trust me, I’m picking up your vibes loud and clear. How’d it go?” He folded his arms across his chest, pushing the muscles of his biceps into view. She refused to notice them. Instead she gave a dramatic sigh and crossed her own arms.
“Uhh, fine. Why?”
He sighed and leveled her with a glare. “Well, maybe because this is my project too and I care how it’s presented in the local newspaper.”
“Well, you seemed to have no problem charming the pants off Vanessa before I got here so I wouldn’t worry too much.” For a moment they faced off, matching stances, both glaring at one another. But then slowly the corners of Derek’s lips slid up until he was actively holding back a wide smile. He cleared his throat before he spoke.
“The pants off her, huh? Sorry I missed that.” Derek chuckled. Lindsey’s glare turned hostile. She couldn’t help herself. How could he continue to joke around when she was so clearly irritated? “Good Lord, woman. I’m kidding. You need to lighten up.”
“I will. As soon as you get out of my way.”
Derek slid in closer to the door handle of her car, effectively blocking her entry. The only way she’d be getting in would be to shove him out of her path, which wasn’t even physically possible. Before she could insist he move, his eyes turned warm and serious.
“I’m sorry about the other night.”
She looked up at him but remained quiet. Truthfully she didn’t know what to say. She was still angry with him for so many things. When it came to Derek, Lindsey’s thoughts were so messed up she wasn’t sure what she felt anymore. There was definitely a lot of anger and sadness. But there was also a little curiosity. And maybe a teensy bit of lust. Enough to make her angry with herself also. She finally gave a slight shrug in response.
“I shouldn’t have surprised you the way I did.” Derek ran a hand across the back of his neck, holding on to the tense muscles there. “I just … I really want a chance to talk to you. Without anger or hard feelings between us.”
“Well, just so you’re aware, not everything is about you and what you want. You’re going to have to wait until I’m capable of that.”
His eyes squinted a little. Contemplating, as if he hadn’t even considered that she’d have to want their reconciliation. Finally he nodded and backed away from her car. Lindsey opened the door and pulled out her keys.
Derek’s boots scuffed the gravel as he walked away and Lindsey’s heart fluttered. Every time they parted she felt a deep sense of panic. A silly thing to feel considering she was always begging him to go. She turned, suddenly desperate to stop him. Look at him once more.
“Derek.”
He turned immediately and took a step in her direction. Only one, not too close, his eyes wary. Soft. Too damn handsome and hopeful. Why did he keep pushing?
“You should know. I may never be capable of that.”
The corner of his lips lifted before he spoke quietly. “Then I’ve got my work cut out for me, don’t I?”
And with that he walked away.
* * *
Lindsey pushed “publish” on the blog post she’d finally finished and let out a deep sigh of relief. Through her bedroom wall she could hear her sister Mel and her husband Brett while they gave their three-month-old daughter a bath. Their goofy laughs and baby talk made her smile.
She clicked over to check comments on her previous post. These days all of her blog contributions revolved around the “Anne’s Dream House Renovation” feature. But she was enjoying it. Once the house was done she would go back to posting DIY tutorials, antiques and flea market visits, and other crafting highlights. She enjoyed interacting with their readers, answering questions, garnering ideas, sharing a passion for repurposing and upcycling. The blogging community was fantastic and inspiring. She loved that Anne, Callie, and herself had bonded over the blog and built their own tiny empire. If said empire could provide her with enough income for an apartment soon, all the better.
Up until two months ago Lindsey had been living with a roommate, but then out of nowhere the roommate had decided to get married in Vegas, leaving Lindsey homeless when she couldn’t afford to cover the entire rent on her own. Kind of a jerk move from someone she’d considered a friend, but what could she do? At that point her finances had already started to become precarious. The worst part was that she feared she was on the precipice of a downward spiral, because without a good place to create, there was nothing to sell. And without products, there was no money coming in.
Anne and Mike were paying her for her design work on the house, and they’d been very kind and generous, but it wasn’t enough to get her a place of her own. Especially when she was getting paid in chunks. She needed to build a bigger cushion before she felt safe again. It would be really nice if her father paid her back what he’d borrowed, but something deep inside told her that money was long gone.
Lindsey closed her laptop and fell back on the bed as Mel’s baby-talk voice seeped through the wall. “Look at you, little bean. You love your bath, don’t you? Yes you do. Yes you do.”
She was beginning to wonder if she’d ever have that. A family. A husband. Happiness and stability. But unfortunately that all required meeting someone. Dating, kissing, sex, marriage. And while guys liked her, asked her out even, she was always so hesitant to put herself out there. What happened when she realized they’d only been looking for a one-night stand?
And it had happened. A few times, so the struggle was real.
Lifting her leg, Lindsey pulled off her sock, then the other, and wiggled her body under the sheets. For a few moments she tried not to focus on the sounds of the condo beyond her door and walls.
Reaching up to the nightstand, Lindsey flipped off the lamp, closed her eyes, and nestled into her pillow. It was only eight-thirty but she had an early morning tomorrow. She was meeting Anne to go over some tile and stain choices. Sleep also had the benefit of keeping her mind from wandering.
And yet … wander it did. Because thoughts of the tile made her think about the house, which made her think about Derek once again. No surprise. The width of his shoulders, how his tool belt hung on his hips. He wasn’t that old, only thirty, but he looked as though he’d spent a lot of time battling the elements. The roughened outdoorsy look worked for him. He basically had no business walking around everyday life like hunky calendar fodder. And of course she’d also spent way too much time overanalyzing every interaction. Every look, touch, even the things Vanessa had said. Lindsey didn’t think Derek still had any feelings for her at all. Not really. It had been eight years. Certainly he had guilt and maybe regret. But those weren’t the kind of feelings she was looking for from a man. His final words from the other day continued to ring in her ears.
I guess I have my work cut out for me.
Why did he care so much? And what exactly did he expect would happen? What could he possibly have to say that would make up for what he’d done? Because for the life of her, she could come up with no good excuse for starting something with one woman when you still had an inkling of feeling for another. She questioned it for months afterward. Years if she was being honest.
Their relationship had been short. But it had also been crazy, passionate, consuming. The happiest, most amazing few months of her life. Lindsey had fallen for him so hard and so fast she hadn’t had time to process what they were doing before he’d ripped the rug out from under her.
She could still picture that night like it was yesterday. A few days before, they’d had the most amazing night together. They’d been seeing each other for a few months at that point and they’d driven into Kansas City from Lawrence and gotten a hotel room. The entire day had been perfect, with food, Christmas shopping, and then that evening he’d mapped out every single millimeter of her body with his mouth. It had been magical. She’d known then that he was the one. Had been so sure of it she’d told Mel about him after they’d returned. And then she didn’t hear from him for days which was so unusual. He didn’t reply to her messages, answer her phone calls. Didn’t show up to class. And then a few days later he’d knocked on her dorm room door, looking ragged.
At that point she was angry, but ready to hear him out. Forgive him for disappearing. Surely he’d had a good reason. But instead he’d walked in, his face twisted in pain, and then torn her entire world apart.
“Lindsey, I’m so sorry. I just … I didn’t know how to tell you.”
The minute the words had escaped his lips she’d known it was over. She’d stood there in sweatpants and T-shirt, hair in a ponytail, heart breaking, as he’d continued.
“This shouldn’t have happened. I’m still … I’m still in love with someone else. And I’m so sorry. It just … It has to be this way.”
As the years had ticked by she’d played that night over and over again in her mind. Considered what she should have said. Should have done. Sometimes she fantasized about slapping him. Or telling him it didn’t matter, he’d been one of many guys she’d been sleeping with, which was far from the truth. Maybe she should have cried and demanded an explanation. Or refused to let him go. Because none of it could have been worse than what had really happened.
“I’m sorry, too,” she’d simply said. And then he’d stepped into her, pushed her up against the wall, and kissed her. A long, slow kiss. He’d caressed her face, threaded his fingers through her hair, and groaned against her mouth as if it were all a mistake. For a moment that kiss had made her wonder if she’d only imagined his previous admission. But no. He’d pulled away and left her standing there all alone.
That kiss was what made her the angriest. He’d admitted to loving another woman and then kissed her anyway, like some cheap whore he’d used for a good time. And she’d let him. Kissed him back. And the fact that she still dreamed about it—wanted it again—meant she’d never forgive him.
Three
Derek pulled into his ex’s driveway and tried to ignore the anxious knot in his gut. He loved his weekends with his son but they
weren’t nearly frequent enough. The hard part was seeing Lisa. That never got any easier. Throughout their separation several people had shared their unsolicited advice and a common saying was that “you see a person’s true colors during a divorce.” Derek hadn’t worried much in the beginning because the Lisa he’d been married to was pretty damn hard to like. They’d both been unhappy so he was certain that putting them both out of their misery would make her kinder. Gentler. He never dreamed things could get worse. How wrong he’d been.
Lisa blamed him for her unhappiness, no doubt about it, and the divorce had been crazy ugly. She’d pulled lies out of her ass that almost would have been funny if they didn’t threaten Derek’s future with his son. She took everything he did or said as a threat against her character, her relationship with their son, and she lived in retaliation mode. It was as if the divorce were his final insult to her, despite the fact they’d grown to hate one another. Maybe she thought they should have lived unhappily ever after, but who in their right mind wanted that? Thank God he’d had a great attorney and a judge that could see through her bullshit, because she’d laid it on thick. Still did when it suited her purposes, which seemed to be every damn time he spoke with her.
Turning off his truck, Derek got out and headed for the front door. Thanks to nearly a week of snow, Kansas City and the surrounding area were covered in white. Derek had big plans for his weekend with Tanner that included sledding, hot chocolate, serious PS4 gaming, and maybe a snowman. He couldn’t wait to tell him. He just needed to get them home on his own turf where they could relax and enjoy each other. Be guys. Derek needed some time with his son to remind him what his priorities were. For the past week his thoughts had been scattered, confused, and conflicted thanks to one particular green-eyed woman he’d not been able to stop focusing on.
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