Lindsey’s right hand left his hair and dropped onto the carpet as if she didn’t have the strength to hold it upright any longer. Derek grinned as he peered up at her. He nuzzled his chin against her clit.
“Oh, oh God, stop. No more,” she whimpered.
Lifting up onto his hands, he crawled back up her body, placing random kisses along her torso. Once their faces were aligned he covered her mouth with his, his tongue stroking into her mouth.
Her good hand traveled down his back, his side, and when he registered her intent he lifted off her, making just enough space for her to slide her hand between them. Her fingers pulled at the band of his boxer briefs and then he felt her cool skin on the head of his cock. He held in a groan and looked into her eyes. “Grab it.”
She did, wrapping her hand around him, squeezing lightly, and he blew out a breath before speaking again. “Harder.”
“I don’t want to hurt you,” she whispered.
Derek chuckled and pressed himself into her grip. “You won’t. Promise.”
She squeezed again, her firm grip sending a shiver down his ass straight to his legs. “I like how you feel in my hand,” Lindsey said. Her voice was breathless and sexy.
“Mmm, I like it, too,” he said against her throat. He kissed across her neck, up her chin, and then ran his tongue against her bottom lip. “I like every single thing about you naked beneath me. You naked on top of me. You naked anywhere. As long as I’m with you.”
“How about you be naked with me?” she asked.
Derek pushed off the floor and stood between her bent legs. Before going any further he pulled a condom out of his pocket. Thank God he’d had one in his truck. He’d retrieved it along with the house key, and he was grateful she didn’t ask if he’d brought it intentionally or, even worse, kept them on hand.
Lindsey watched as he dropped his pants, his underwear, and then finally as he rolled the condom on. It was a huge turn-on having her eyes on his movements as he gripped himself one final time before kneeling back down between her legs.
As soon as he was in position Derek nestled himself against her wetness, wanting to feel the heat there, slick and warm, begging him to enter her. Slowly he grinded against her, running the length of his cock up and down her center. He knew Lindsey enjoyed it when her eyes fluttered closed.
“Derek…” she whispered.
“Tell me what you want, Linds.”
Her head gave a quick shake, her eyes still pinched shut. He knew somewhere deep inside she was still fighting this need for him.
Derek brought his hand up and gently laid his palm on her neck before applying the slightest amount of pressure. Her eyes instantly flew open but then just as quickly melted with her desire as their gazes met.
“Do you want me?” he asked quietly.
“Yes,” she said, her voice breathless. He could feel her neck move under his hand.
“Yes, what?”
“I want you.”
His hand slid up the side of her jaw, below her ear, and he cupped the back of her head. Her hair felt like silk between his fingers, and he lifted, angling her mouth up to his as he pivoted his lower body off of hers.
“Put me inside you,” he said against her lips.
Her fingers sought his erection once more and she guided him to her entrance. Derek took a deep breath as he pushed inside, his breath catching at the way she instantly pulsed around him.
“Oh God, you feel good.” His words were nearly a grunt as he tried to keep himself together. His goal remained the same. No matter how amazing she felt, how tight and hot, he would go slow and please her. All of this was about making Lindsey feel good. If she regretted having sex with him he would never forgive himself.
Her nails now dug into his backside and he went in deeper before pulling out and thrusting back in. As he rested his lips against hers, Lindsey sucked his lower lip into the heat of her mouth and he shuddered against her body.
It had been so long since he’d felt this kind of connection. He’d almost forgotten what real, meaningful pleasure felt like. Lindsey was real. Always had been.
Derek thrust inside her several times, slow and then faster, just reveling in the sensation of her. Her head still lay cradled in his hand and he stared down at her. “I could be inside you for the rest of the afternoon and be a very happy man.”
She kissed his neck, squeezing his butt before he heard her say, “I’d forgotten how much you like to talk.”
Derek grinned and looked down at her, his strokes steady. “Liar. I don’t think you forgot anything about us.”
Her smile faltered and he regretted his insinuation. Just because he’d pined for her, missed her, didn’t mean she’d done the same. He stilled his movements and continued to stare down into her face. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”
“Shhh.” She laid a finger over his lips. “Don’t apologize. Not for that. You’re right. I haven’t forgotten anything. Not one second of it, and I missed you so much.”
Derek felt his insides lighten at her words, her heart pounding in his chest. This was what he needed. This woman, just like this. His.
Forever.
Fourteen
Lindsey wasn’t sure if her heart was going to pound out of her chest or shatter into a million pieces from the look in Derek’s eyes as he possessed her body. Was it a mistake revealing that she’d thought of him? Remembered every detail. Missed him. His eyes had gone dark at the words, and now that he knew, where would they go from here? No matter what she’d tried to tell herself up until this moment, the truth was painfully clear. This was more than just sex.
“I missed you too, baby. I thought of you constantly. Needed you,” Derek whispered against her lips.
Oh God. What had she done? Her admission—in a moment of pleasure and weakness—had opened up this exchange of emotions that she hadn’t prepared herself for. He continued, every word breaking her heart.
“I thought of your face. Your laugh. Your smile.” He leaned back, ran his fingertip down her nose, cheek, neck. All the while his pace never faltered, sending her senses reeling.
“I haven’t forgotten one thing about you, Lindsey. How it feels to be inside you. How you taste.”
Lindsey tried to catch her breath as he sucked her earlobe past his lips. Derek had always spoken to her as they had sex and God she’d loved it so much. The deep timbre of his words had been as much her undoing as his body. But these words … they were destroying her with their perfection. She’d been so hopeful she could go through with this with her heart remaining intact, but she’d forgotten the way he’d use his voice and his words to seduce her. Did he truly mean the things he was saying right now? Or were beautiful words intimacy for him?
Reaching down between their bodies, Derek put his fingers to work on her. She let out a moan as he circled her, every stroke bringing her closer.
“That’s it, babe. I love the sounds you make.”
Between his words and his movements, her body was heading for an explosive release. She used her right hand to pull him harder against her as he thrust, loving the weight of him, the strength in his body.
“How you look when you come with me inside of you. Knowing that I’m the man giving you pleasure. I want to see that again, Lindsey.”
Lindsey shut her eyes and tried to focus on her release instead of the memories he was invoking. He always used to say that, how much he loved to watch her finish. Would look deep into her eyes as she came, leaving her feeling beautiful and cherished.
But that was then, when things were different, and she couldn’t let these words penetrate her heart. This was sex. That was all. Two adults enjoying each other’s body. It wasn’t about recapturing long-lost feelings. Lindsey began to meet each thrust with enthusiasm, digging her heels into the carpet.
She shouldn’t kiss him anymore, it was too wonderful, too real. And she couldn’t look at him, so instead she pushed her face into his chest and looped her good hand under his arm and
held on to his back for leverage. Within moments she was sucking in deep breaths as her orgasm washed over her.
“Look at me, Linds,” he said as he continued to stroke her in time with his words.
She couldn’t. In fact she didn’t make a noise or move her head so as not to risk meeting his eyes. If she did it would bring her to tears.
“Lindsey.” His breathy pleas sounded desperate, only making her come even harder. When the pulsing in her lower body subsided she slowly laid her head back on the floor and glanced up at him.
His expression was pained and confused. And then angry. And she knew what he was thinking. He’d just opened up to her completely. Bared his emotions and then made a simple request. Practically begged her to look at him, and she’d purposely denied him. Didn’t he understand that some things were part of nature? A defense mechanism.
Lindsey swallowed hard and turned her head, looking at the wall. The weight of his hurt expression was too much for her to bear. Without saying another word Derek lowered his body and rested his chest against hers, pinning her down onto the floor. He buried his face in her neck and began to rock his pelvis, entering her with quick, frantic thrusts. She felt their disconnection like something beautiful being ripped from her arms. The air around them had changed, and just like that he was simply fucking her.
His body slammed against hers, over and over, forcing her legs wider. His climax was forceful and angry as he pushed into her as hard as he could, his body trembling. She knew he was holding his breath and she gripped his back hard, her nails penetrating his sweaty skin.
Without wasting a second he pushed himself up and rolled off her, lying on his back and looking up at the ceiling. Lindsey glanced at him from the corner of her eyes, noticing his chest hair heaving up and down from the exertion. She couldn’t look at the firm set of his lips or the hurt in his eyes any longer. She reached for her shirt, pulled it over her naked body, and turned her head away from him.
“I thought you wanted that,” Derek said quietly, his words icy.
She sighed but didn’t turn in his direction. “I did. I mean … I thought I did.”
Lindsey felt him get up off the floor. “You thought you did? What the hell does that mean? How did things change that quickly?”
His sudden fury shocked her and the pain in his voice clawed at her conscience. She sat up and looked at him. If they were going to yell she had a few things of her own to say. “You started trying to re-create the past, Derek. You wanted it to be like it used to be between us.”
“Of course I did,” he said. He’d already put his underwear on and was now jerking his jeans up. “Things were good then, Lindsey. Apparently you have forgotten.”
“That’s the point, Derek. Things were good. Amazing. When we were together I was happy. When we made love I felt it in my soul.” Tears began to pool in the corners of her eyes, her nose suddenly stuffy, her voice breaking as she went on. “I don’t want to feel that. It will destroy me all over again.”
His shoulders dropped, eyes went soft, and he fell to his knees in front of her. “Lindsey, please.”
“No, no, don’t!” She put her hand out when he reached for her. He jerked back, leaning back on his calves. “Don’t feel sorry for me, Derek. I don’t need that from you.”
“Do you need anything from me?”
She shook her head, unsure of how to respond. “I don’t know.”
“Oh no? How about to haul your shit or stain your floors? You can leave me bitchy Post-it notes when you need me to pay your hospital bills, or maybe I should just tell my best friend I can’t be in his wedding so we can never see each other again?”
Lindsey gasped, feeling nauseous as she watched him stand up and pull his T-shirt on. He leaned over and grabbed his shoes off the floor. He was going to leave, not explain himself after that outburst. She finally found her voice and called out before he made it to the door.
“What do you mean, pay my hospital bill?” she yelled. Had he done that for her? Why would he have done that?
“Don’t worry about it,” he said as he continued into the hall.
“Derek, don’t you walk away from me!”
He jerked around and took three long strides back into the bedroom. “Walking away from you is exactly what I didn’t want to do. Not then and not now. But this time you’re pushing me away so I’m giving you what you want.”
“What I want? All I ever wanted was you and you chose someone else.”
“I didn’t choose her, I chose my son, and you damn well know it,” he yelled. She’d never heard or seen him so angry. Ever. As overwhelming as it was to see him enraged, she wasn’t afraid of him physically. The only damage Derek Walsh would do was to her heart.
“How many times do I have to tell you I’m sorry? I can’t keep trying to prove it to you over and over. Either you believe me, or you don’t.”
Lindsey pulled herself to her knees, clutching her shirt over her bare breasts. Tears were now falling from her eyes but she wouldn’t fully crumble in his presence. “I believe you. That’s not the problem. I just can’t stop hating the fact that I could have loved your son with you, but you never gave me a chance.”
Fury radiated off his body as he filled the doorway. His chest heaved in laborious bursts, his eyes crossing over her entire body, as if committing it to memory before he finally left her for the second time. Oh God, don’t go.
“Please, just go,” she whispered.
Derek turned and stormed down the hallway. She heard him descend the stairs, but before the front door opened she heard a deep, muttered curse followed by the sound of his fist connecting with something.
Lindsey winced at the sound of splintering wood. Or Sheetrock. She didn’t know.
The only thing left to do was cry.
Fifteen
Sunday morning Lindsey and Melanie met their dad for brunch. Mel had offered to pay and that was probably why Isaac had agreed to come since he was perpetually broke. Lindsey hated that he couldn’t seem to find work. Ever since his heart attack seven years ago he’d been on disability. The problem was that he couldn’t afford to not work at all, so he’d taken random minimum-wage jobs here or there, never sticking with one for long. It was irritating, but she felt bad for him. Every year that went by he seemed more and more depressed. She’d been so sure that if he could just get back on his feet, get ahead, he’d feel better.
She should have known better. It was why she’d quit college—thinking that she’d go back after she’d stayed home with him for a while—and also why she’d agreed to help him out last fall. He’d been in a bad place, and without his car he couldn’t get to work. She was afraid if he didn’t try to keep some sort of normalcy in his life, he would go into a depression he couldn’t climb out of.
It was true. She’d given up a lot to help him. She never did make it back to college, the money was just never there. But what else could she do? She and Mel were all he had, but since Lindsey’s sister was good at creating boundaries, she never got burdened by his needs. He never even asked Mel for anything, and Lindsey hadn’t revealed the depths of his struggles to her sister.
Lindsey smiled as she watched her father make silly faces at Eden, who had recently started giggling at anything and everything. He bounced her on his knee and spoke in a baby voice, kissing her chubby cheeks.
“I’m glad you could meet us, Dad,” Melanie said. “You haven’t seen Eden in a while.”
“I know, I can’t let that happen again,” he said. “We’re best buds, aren’t we?” He said in his baby voice again.
Lindsey smiled at Mel and then looked back at her father. “How is the job at the grocery store going?”
“Oh, you know, pretty good. Just keeping busy.”
Mel and Lindsey looked at each other, probably both noting how vague his response had been. He looked healthy, seemed happy this morning, and said everything was fine. But something seemed off. And nothing seemed to be improving with his financial situat
ion, which wasn’t good news for Lindsey, either.
Melanie usually had a comment where their father was concerned, but Lindsey was grateful she kept her mouth shut today, just sipped her coffee. Lindsey would no doubt hear all of Mel’s thoughts later when they were home.
“So, Linds, you’re still staying with Mel and Brett?” her father asked.
“Yes. Until I can afford to get a place of my own.” It didn’t seem to register with him that she was broke and that loaning him money might have contributed to it.
“It’s been such a blessing for us to have Lindsey around to help. It’s worked out perfectly,” Mel said.
“Of course it has. Lindsey’s our girl,”
Lindsey smiled, but his comment struck a nerve. Lindsey’s our girl. She always had been. Lindsey helps, sacrifices, forgives. It was what she did.
“I think we might have a ripe one,” Isaac said, sniffing at Eden with a grimace.
Mel scooted away from the table and laid down her napkin. She reached out for Eden and spoke in her own baby voice. “Be right pack, Abuelo, I need my diaper changed.”
He handed the baby right over as Mel picked up the diaper bag and headed to the back of the dining room toward the restroom. Suddenly Lindsey felt nervous sitting alone with her father, especially when he leaned into the table and stared at her.
“You okay, Dad?” she asked.
“I’m trying, mi hija. Always trying,” he said.
Lindsey’s stomach dropped, her heart began to race. “Did you lie? Are you no longer working at the grocery store?”
He had the decency to look ashamed. “No. They let me go, but I knew it was coming.”
Lindsey sucked in a breath. “When did this happen?”
“Last month.”
“Last month? Dad!”
“I know, I should have said something sooner. I just hate having to bother you with my problems.” Lindsey glanced around the room. He never did this in front of Mel because he knew she would be pissed.
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