“Is she capable of that?” Lindsey asked.
“I’d like to say no.” Derek began to play with her fingers as he spoke. Outlining them with his own, down the side of one, into the crevice between them, and over the next. “I pay child support and alimony. Never miss. If she asks for extra I give it. But I’ve learned not to underestimate her. She blames me for ruining her life by marrying her. She’s never forgiven me for it. And now, the fact that you and I are seeing each other again … it makes her angry because she knows we dated after I broke up with her in college. Knows I always cared for you even though I married her.”
Lindsey almost couldn’t blame Lisa for some of her anger. She would be devastated to find herself caught in a loveless marriage with a small child. But they’d both made the decision. It wasn’t only Derek’s fault.
Lindsey let her head fall forward. This relationship was a roller coaster. They were like two ships that continued to collide in the night, throwing passengers overboard right and left. It was madness, and while every part of her screamed at her to fight for this man, could she do that knowing it might mean he’d potentially lose more time with his son?
“I don’t know what to think right now,” she said.
“You don’t need to think about this at all, Lindsey. I’ll handle this. I promise.”
She couldn’t believe what he was saying. “I’m not interested in being in a relationship where you deal with all the problems, Derek. This affects me. It affects your son. That’s the most important thing in your life. Maybe the universe is trying to tell us something.”
“Ughrrrr.” A painful growl came from deep in his throat. “Fuck the universe. I love you, Lindsey. I loved you then. I love you now. It just needs to be that simple. It is that simple.”
“Except it’s not. We keep trying to make this happen and everything keeps reminding us that this isn’t working. It didn’t work the first time. Why did we think it would work now?”
Derek looked into her eyes. “Because you’re the woman that makes me happy. Because I want to make you happy. Because when I see you teasing and joking with my son I feel a peace inside that I didn’t know I could ever have.”
Oh God, his words were going to rip her in two. But she needed to be strong. For him. For Tanner. Most importantly, for herself.
“I think you need to get this figured out with Lisa before anything else. I can’t be the person that takes your son from you. Then you’ll end up resenting me the way Lisa did you. That won’t work.”
“Do you love me, Lindsey?” His eyes never left hers, waiting intently for her answer.
She considered lying. Or not answering. She’d never told him she’d loved him and wasn’t sure this was the time. But she couldn’t keep secrets from him. The things they didn’t share were destroying them from the inside out. “Yes. I love you very much. Which is exactly why we have to give this time.”
Derek scooted forward onto the edge of his chair and grasped her face, one hand cupping each side. “If you love me then don’t pull away from me.”
“I’m not pulling away. I’m giving us room to figure things out.”
“That sounds a lot like pulling away.”
Lindsey rested her forehead on his. “Derek. Right now the only thing that matters is doing what’s right for Tanner. And he needs you.”
He shook his head against hers. “The last time I did that I lost you. I can’t lose you again.”
“Then don’t,” she whispered. “I’m trusting you, Derek. Start trusting yourself.”
With those words lingering between them Lindsey placed a kiss on Derek’s forehead, stood, and left.
* * *
Derek grabbed Tanner’s bag from the back of his truck and followed his son up the sidewalk to the front door of his mother’s house. Tanner walked right in but Derek stood on the step, waiting for Lisa to appear.
Derek was apprehensive about the task before him, but there was no going back. After Lindsey had left Tuesday, he’d agonized over the best way to handle the situation with Lisa. He’d quickly come to the conclusion that the only option was to deal with it head-on. Lying and omission had only hurt the people he cared about in the past, and he wouldn’t make that mistake again. There was too much at stake. Even more importantly, Derek had completely sent the wrong message to Tanner and now he needed to make things right. You didn’t hide the truth or deny the one you loved for any reason. You fought for it, and he intended to make Lisa understand that he was willing to deal with whatever came his way, with Lindsey beside him.
“Mom,” Tanner yelled from the entryway. “I’m home.”
Lisa came down the stairs and smiled at their son, genuine love and happiness on her face. “Hey, baby. I missed you so much.”
“I missed you, too.” Tanner immediately wrapped his arms around his mother’s waist. Lisa’s eyes met Derek’s over Tanner’s head.
“Hi,” Derek said. “Can we talk a minute?”
“I guess,” she said, her tone neutral. Probably for Tanner’s benefit.
“Hey, bud, can you give me and your mom a minute?” Derek asked.
Tanner grabbed his bag off the floor and eyed them both for a second. “Sure.” He headed up the stairs.
“Join me?” Derek nodded toward the steps out front.
Lisa didn’t respond but came outside. Today she sported gray yoga pants and an oversized T-shirt. She looked younger, but then again, he supposed she was young, barely thirty. She’d become a mother way too soon and been thrust into a life neither of them had been prepared for.
Derek sat down on the top step and motioned for her to do the same.
“What’s going on, Derek?” she asked.
“I just felt like we should talk.” He was grateful that she seemed calm. Willing.
“You do realize we’re not very good at that,” she said, her tone dry.
“Yeah, I do, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.”
When they were both comfortable, both facing the yard, not looking at one another, Derek spoke. “Lisa, I want to apologize to you.”
The air changed as her body tightened next to him. She lifted her hands in front of her and became a little too interested in her cuticles. But he knew she was listening.
“To be clear, I don’t regret the past. We have Tanner and that makes everything we went through worth it. But I wish … I wish I had handled things differently back then. I thought we were doing the right thing by getting married. I know we were both scared…”
“And pressured,” she said quietly.
“Yeah, there was definitely pressure. But I should have been looking out for both of us. And our son. And I failed. Failed me, failed you, and failed another person that was important to me.”
When Lisa didn’t reply, Derek turned to face her, forearms resting on his knees. “You were right. I knew Lindsey back then. We dated right after you and I broke up and I was completely in love with her. Still am. It wasn’t fair to you that we married under the conditions we did. But I tried, Lisa. I did.”
She swiped a tear from her eyes and turned away so he couldn’t see her face. “I know you did. But so did I.”
“You did. I know that. But we didn’t love each other and we have to forgive one another or we’re never going to be able to move on.”
They were both silent for a moment, the only sounds the trees rustling in the breeze and the occasional sniff from the woman sitting next to him. He wasn’t going to comfort her physically, but her tears did make him sad. The whole thing was sad, but they could get past it. If they tried.
“I want us both to be happy, Lisa. Did you mean it about this Lane guy? Does he make you happy?”
Finally she sat up straight and sucked in a breath. “Yes. I think so. Sometimes I’m not even sure what a healthy relationship is supposed to feel like.”
“Does he make you happy, Lisa? Is he there for you? Support you, care about your feelings?” Derek paused before he went on. “Does he lo
ve Tanner?”
Lisa nodded and finally met Derek’s eyes. “He does. They get along really well. Even when Tanner talks about you, which is often.” She let out an awkward laugh.
Derek grinned. “I will always be the coolest guy in his life. You know that.”
She rolled her eyes. “Whatever.”
He’d never considered how difficult it would be to be the other person trying to fit into an already made family. It had to be hard, scary. He didn’t want Lindsey to feel that way, only wanted her to know she was needed. Wanted. Derek lowered his voice before he spoke again. “Lisa, I want you to be happy. If it’s with Lane, great. If not, I want you to find the person that will give you that. But I need you to respect the fact that I still love Lindsey and want her in my life. In Tanner’s life.”
When she didn’t respond he continued. “I can’t constantly fear that you’re going to take time with Tanner away from me. I’ll fight you, you know that.”
Finally she nodded. “I know. And I won’t, okay? Is that what you need to hear? Tanner loves you. Needs you.”
Derek nodded. Relief settled heavily throughout his body. “Yeah. It is what I need to hear.”
Lisa sighed and then slapped her hands on her thighs. “Are we done, then?”
Derek glanced at her. They would probably never be friends. But he hoped they could be allies instead of enemies. Their son deserved that. They deserved it, too. “I mean it, Lisa. I am sorry. I never wanted you to be unhappy.”
Lisa looked at him, her lips quirked. “I know you didn’t.”
With that she went inside.
Twenty-Four
Thursday morning Lindsey carried Eden down to the mailbox. It was a beautiful day, spring was in full swing, the sun bright and the flowers blooming. She kneeled down by a patch of bright pink tulips and let Eden touch the soft petals.
“Aren’t they pretty, Ediepoo?” Lindsey asked.
Before she knew it Eden’s fat little hand wrapped around the tulip, crushing it. “Uh-oh,” Lindsey said, glancing around to make sure no one had seen. She knew Mel and Brett’s complex took their landscaping seriously. She quickly pried open Eden’s fingers and frowned at the sad state of the poor tulip. She pecked a kiss on Eden’s cheek before speaking in her baby voice. “Sorry, tulip.”
They continued down the sidewalk and Lindsey pulled the mailbox key out of her pocket. She grabbed the stack of mail, noticing the letter on top was addressed to her. Instantly she recognized Derek’s boxy architect handwriting. Her heart fluttered and she couldn’t hold back her smile.
Hitching Eden up on her hip, Lindsey ripped the envelope open. She pulled out the carefully folded paper and gasped. It was a two-paneled comic strip. The first panel showed a guy standing in front of an old house leaning against the porch. A girl sat on the steps looking up at him. She had long brown hair, red lips, and big eyes. The male’s dialogue bubble read “Have we met before? My name’s Derek.”
Lindsey smiled instantly. He’d put so much detail into the scene and it was clearly the farmhouse. The second panel showed the female alone with an empty dialogue bubble. Below it was a note.
Your trust means everything to me. I finally trusted myself.
I love you. Always have, always will.
Tears began to pool in her eyes as she turned the envelope back over to make sure it had his complete address. It appeared to be his office.
When she’d left his place the other night she’d actually felt at peace. Sad, yes, but in her heart she’d known that things weren’t over. Just on pause. She wanted to be a priority for Derek, but she could wait for him to do what he needed to do. She hoped this note meant that he’d done it. She said she’d trusted him, and despite everything they’d been through, she did.
Before she could lock the mailbox back up, a car pulled up to the curb. Her father. Lindsey took a deep breath and walked over to him. He got out, looking tired and thin. She hadn’t noticed it before. Maybe she should have.
“Hi, Linds,”
“Dad,” she said. Even though she’d had some time to think on it, she was still angry with him.
He walked up onto the sidewalk and grinned at Eden before looking at Lindsey.
“I came to apologize to you, Lindsey. You have no idea how ashamed I am.”
She really wasn’t sure how to respond. She couldn’t say “it’s okay” because it wasn’t. She couldn’t say she’d forgiven him, because she hadn’t yet. But she was tired of being angry.
“Thank you for apologizing, Dad.”
He nodded, lifting his hands to his hips. She knew this was difficult for him, but he would never understand how devastated she’d been by his betrayal. Funny that she found herself in this position with all the men in her life.
“Hey, Dad.” Mel walked up behind Lindsey. “What are you doing here?”
Hearing Mel’s voice, Eden rooted around searching for her mother, so Lindsey handed her over while she waited to see if her father was planning to own up to the reason for his visit. She figured there probably was no time like the present to get it all out there. Despite the fact that she knew Mel would let her have it when they were alone.
“Uh, I actually just came by to apologize to your sister.”
Lindsey’s stomach flopped. She really couldn’t believe he was going to say it, but she had to admit, she admired him for it. She knew her father tended to live in denial so this was pretty huge for him.
Mel turned to Lindsey, pushing Eden’s fist out of her face. “What for?”
“Melanie, I’m not proud of it. But your sister’s been helping me out the past six months. Well, she’s always helping me out, but it’s been … more, lately.”
“Helping you out?” Mel asked, confused. She turned to Lindsey. An awkward silence hung in the air between them and finally their father continued.
“I also need to admit to you girls that I have … a gambling problem.”
Mel’s eyes closed slowly as she whispered, “Dad.”
“I know, Mel. I know you’re ashamed of me.”
“Dad, stop,” Lindsey said, hating the pitiful tone of his voice and the sadness in his face. No matter what, he was their father. “We’re not ashamed. Just—”
“No, Lindsey,” Mel interjected. “Don’t cover for him. Dad, this is a load of crap. Did you know Lindsey is broke? How could you stomach taking money from your daughter when she doesn’t even have a home to live in anymore?”
Lindsey fell silent. It was hard to argue her sister’s logic. But at the same time, she needed to stop letting Mel stand up for her. She could handle this herself.
“Dad, Mel’s right. I am broke and I was accepting that for now because I thought you truly needed my help. And you do need help, Dad. But I can’t be the one to help you. You need to get some counseling.”
“You’re right, Linds.” He looked off to the side, not wanting to meet their eyes. “Guy at the casino overheard our conversation. Said he’s had a problem for years. Gave me a flyer with a number on it.”
“So he was still at the casino, but giving out advice?” Mel asked dryly.
“Hey, didn’t say he’d cured himself. Just said he understood,” Isaac Morales bit back. “I’m not expecting you girls to understand. I’m not asking for your sympathy. I just don’t want this to come between us for good.”
“It’s a good place to start, Daddy. Call the number. It can’t hurt. But you can’t ask me for money ever again.”
“Or me,” Mel said. “We love you, Dad, but you can’t do this to your kids again.”
Lindsey looked at Mel in shock. Had their father been swindling them both?
“You’re right, girls. I’m gonna knock this. I’m gonna try. And I am sorry, Linds. I mean it when I say I never meant to hurt you.”
Those words sounded familiar “I know, Daddy.”
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Lindsey and she read the amount. Four thousand dollars. Instantly she was floode
d with relief for her own situation, but then concern for her father’s. “Dad, did you use the rest of the money—”
“The rest of the money caught all my bills up and then went into the bank. I need to find a new job. I left the casino immediately after I cashed out. Haven’t been back yet.”
“Yet,” Mel said. She glanced over Lindsey’s shoulder at the check. “So you won this money?”
Isaac nodded. “It’s a little hard to go out on a win like that. Makes me want to go again, but I realize that’s the problem. I’m trying, girls.”
Lindsey sighed. “You can do this, Dad. I know you can. And thank you.”
She gave her dad a quick hug and after a few moments he got in his car and left. Mel, Eden, and Lindsey headed back up to the condo.
“Why didn’t you tell me, Linds?” Mel asked.
“Well, clearly you’ve given him money, too. I didn’t know that.”
“It was a few years ago and I told him it was not going to become a habit.”
It made Lindsey feel marginally better that she hadn’t been the only sucker in the family. Just the most consistent.
“You know you can stay here as long as you need,” Mel said as they went up the steps.
“I know, but you guys are a family. I need more space and I need to figure something out soon.”
“I want you to tell me if you’re struggling. Okay?”
Lindsey nodded, grateful to her sister.
“One more word of advice?” Mel said before they went up the stairs. “Get that check cashed ASAP.”
Lindsey laughed. “Already planned on it.”
Once she was back in her room she pulled out Derek’s comic and placed it on her bed. Her life had been in such limbo lately. So many things had come to a head and she wasn’t sure what was right or wrong any longer. Thankfully, her resentment toward her father had now ebbed a little. It would take time, but she wanted to forgive him. Everyone messed up and everyone deserved forgiveness. She’d recently learned that forgiving someone relieves a real physical burden. It takes a lot of strength to carry anger on your shoulders and she didn’t want that any longer.
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