“Really?” Evie was agreeably surprised. “How did I do that?” She was unaccustomed to her interference being taken kindly.
I let go of Brian Bunch’s jacket.
“Danielle?”
“Thank you, Mom,” I said. “Please, let’s not go into it any further, though. It would be way too awkward.”
“You did the trick just with the grand entrance,” the Devil said, smiling at her. I had to hand it to him, he accepted his disappointment with equanimity. Maybe it was because he already had my signature. But that wasn’t the feeling I got. I sensed disappointment, quickly covered up. The man was an opportunist. He’d be hitting on Mom, next, if we weren’t careful.
“Ooh,” she giggled. “Danielle, introduce me to the handsome young man.”
“His name is most likely Daemon Lucifer.”
“Most likely?” Evie sounded puzzled, but then her memory rescued her. “I think I knew your father! How is he? Goodness, it’s been years.”
“I’ll bet,” said Patty.
“You know Daemon Lucifer?” I asked, incredulous. Not for a minute did I think it was this guy’s father.
“She knows my father very well,” the Devil said with a meaningful smile at Evie. “She’s been driving him crazy for years.”
“Your dad likes to be put in his place by a woman of character every once in awhile,” Evie said in her strictest disciplinarian’s voice.
“Oh, does he!” Daemon Lucifer murmured, catching my mother’s eye and giving her another dazzling smile. “He finds you utterly fascinating.”
“Well,” she said tartly. “He’ll be waiting a long time before I return the compliment.”
Now that her rescue mission seemed to be accomplished, Mom was looking tired. “It’s going on five in the morning and I’m an old woman,” she said querulously. “I don’t know whether to get coffee or look for a place to curl up and fall asleep.”
“How did you get here, Mom?” I asked.
“Simple. I called Jill, told her I was worried about you, and we both drove up from Mesa.”
“What?” Patty, the Devil and I chorused. “Jill is here?” I asked.
“Where is Jill?” asked the Devil. He was starting to look a bit more like Brian Bunch. But I knew I would not succumb this time. Wait—could he already be on the hunt for someone else, someone known for choosing The Wrong Man, someone with no mother to rescue her? Duh. Of course he could, damn him. Jill would have to be warned.
“She’s with your other friends,” said Evie. “Danielle, do you think it is wise to meet an old boyfriend here?” Her voice was a bit disapproving.
“Did you and Doug see each other already, then?” I said, trying not to giggle. It was a shame that I’d missed that.
“We did,” she said with dignity, “and I gave him a hint that this was maybe not the best idea. Perhaps Doug is what I saved you from?”
“Perhaps,” said the Devil quickly.
“He was with a very sensible woman, though,” Mom said approvingly. “She seemed to be setting him straight. He has apparently not been following through on some of her expectations.”
“That’s Tina,” I said briefly. “His wife.”
“Oh, Danielle,” Evie said. “You know not to get involved with a married man. I know I raised you better than that.”
“Of course you did, Mom. But I still remember.”
“When you remember him, you might try replacing the thought with something else. Think of Josh. No, not Josh,” she said hastily. She disliked Josh just as much as everyone else did. Her eyes lit on Daemon Lucifer. “Think of this gentleman.”
“Seriously?” I looked at him.
He raised his eyebrows. “Thinking is free,” he said.
“Oh, no contracts, huh?”
“No contracts.”
“Except for the small matter of a little contract already in existence,” Patty said.
“Oh, that,” Daemon Lucifer said absentmindedly. “I’d almost forgotten.”
“Seriously?” I asked.
He said apologetically, “Bigger fish to fry. Your little contract may be the one that got away.”
“I think I’ll invite you both to dinner soon,” Evie said comfortably.
“No, Mom,” Patty and I said together.
“We know each other already,” I improvised. “And it just won’t work.”
“But we will always be good friends,” Daemon Lucifer said, with just the right tone of tragedy and renunciation in his voice.
“Well, if that’s how it is, that’s how it is,” Evie said. My mother the sage. “Maybe you’ll meet someone else,” she said, smiling kindly on the Devil. “Danielle, isn’t your boss single?”
“No,” I said. “I mean, yes, but not a good idea. She’s not in the market right now.”
“You’d like Jill,” Evie told Daemon Lucifer.
“I’ve done some business with her,” he confided. “I think you’re right. I do like her.”
“So you’re known as Brian Bunch,” Patty commented curiously.
“Oh, those RPG’s,” Evie said.
I looked at her and she explained, patronizingly, “Role playing games. If you paid more attention to your children, Danielle, you’d know. Emmy plays them online.”
“That’s it,” said the Devil. “I love playing roles.”
If he wanted to gull Mom, I guess that was okay, considering the alternative was to fill her in on the entire story, a thought too excruciating to consider. I didn’t worry about mom; she was cantankerous enough to hold her own with any Devil, and apparently had been doing so for years.
I was more worried about Patty, but she didn’t seem to be in any hurry to line up for the Bunch Special. Maybe other women got this kind of treatment from men and considered it no big deal; I wasn’t one of them.
Mom was fiddling around with the coffee maker, saying brightly, “It’s nearly six in the morning. Who wants coffee?”
Patty and I looked at each other, wide-eyed. We must have gotten off the time grid.
I looked at Daemon/Brian. “Why—“ I started, then stopped.
“Too much happening,” he said. “I’m juggling a lot of people at the moment.”
“No, not that. Why didn’t you ever—“
“Why didn’t I call?” he asked mockingly.
“I waited for you to call me,” I said with dignity. “I told Patty and Jill about you. I would have married you. Well,” I said honestly, “That would have been a mistake, in fact that would have tied me with Jill for the Stupidest Mistakes Involving Men Award. But I could have had a torrid affair with you for a short while, you know, maybe a decade or two.”
“Do you know how many insecure women there are out there, starved for attention? I’ve got SO many to take care of!”
“Yeah, like Jill,” I said without thinking, then stared at him, aghast. “Oh my god. Have you and Jill—“
“I knew it was only a matter of time before you asked that. No.”
“Why not? You’re as promiscuous as a cat, I can see. And Jill is a lot like me, only worse. She’s a bubbling brew of toxic insecurities. Plus she has built in radar for The Wrong Man.”
“I know,” he said regretfully. “Just my type.”
“So what happened?” Patty asked.
“I got stuck in a bottle of hot sauce.”
“Really? How?”
“That would be telling,” said the Devil. “But your sister came along and let me out.”
There was a knock at the door. Doug and Tina had returned. Behind them was our other party crasher.
“I had this feeling you might need me,” said Jill, looking a bit startled at all the faces. “I don’t know you all. I’m Jill,” she said, holding her hand out to Doug and Tina. “Does someone need a lawyer?” She looked around, noticed Patty and came over to give her a hug. “Little sis! What in the world!” Before she could ask further, her eyes fell on the Devil’s handsome face.
“Oh my god,” she said. “It’s you
.”
Chapter 11 – A Morning of Passion
“Careful, Jill!” I warned her. “He’s no good for you!”
“Don’t be a dog in the manger, Danielle. You didn’t want him. He’s been so torn up over it. I’m just trying to help him heal.”
“Are you kidding me? What made you think I didn’t want him?” I asked. “He didn’t return my texts!”
But Jill wasn’t even listening. “Brian, I was so worried! Where have you been?”
Mom broke in. “I’ve got a pot of coffee,” she said. “Jill, we wanted to be sure to introduce Mr. Daemon Lucifer to you.”
With difficulty, Jill’s gaze broke away from the Devil’s, and she looked around at Mom. “Where is he, Evie?”
“You’re talking to him!” Evie said. “It seems you’ve already met?”
Patty was inspired. “Jill does RPGs too, Mom. They’ve met, but Jill only knows him as Brian Bunch.”
“Oh, I see,” Mom said, nodding sagaciously.
“Don’t sign anything,” I broke in.
“I’m hungry,” Doug announced.
“The diner across the street opens at six,” I told him. It was amazing how many more options we had, now that we were back on the time grid.
Tina said solicitously, “It’s nearly six. Come on, honey, I’ll get you some breakfast. This has been such a long night for you!”
“Danielle and Doogie still have the problem of that contract they signed,” Patty reminded us.
“Oh, that’s not a problem,” Evie said. “Rush Limbaugh said—“
“No, please,” Patty said. “I didn’t agree to hear anything about that windbag tonight.”
“It’s not tonight anymore,” Evie said with dignity.
“Or today, either,” Patty said.
“Well, Dr. Laura said—“
“Even worse,” Patty said.
Jill turned her moony eyes away from Daemon Lucifer long enough to say, “Please, no Dr. Laura. Dr. Laura thinks I’m an idiot, and I really hate that.”
Evie opened her mouth.
“Please, no,” said Patty, Jill, and I.
“You’re very rude to your mother,” said Tina. “Would you like to come have breakfast with Doug and me?” she said politely to Mom. “I listen to Dr. Laura on satellite radio all the time.”
Mom smiled graciously and took the arm Doug offered her.
“There go three of them,” I said, counting heads. “That leaves Patty and me. And Jill. And Daemon, or whatever he’s calling himself at the moment.”
“It could have been worse,” Patty said. “At least we don’t have Angel Battle and Josh to contend with.”
We could say whatever we wanted, because there was no chance that either Jill or Daemon Lucifer were listening. The front desk opened at 6 AM, and they were heading toward the lobby.
“If you’re getting a room, make sure it’s FAAAR away from this one!” I sang out. “I don’t want to hear any wall-banging or screaming!”
The Devil turned and saluted. Jill rolled her eyes, but I could tell she was well under his spell.
“And Jill, one more thing,” I said. “Don’t—come on, Patty, say it with me—“
“Don’t sign anything!” we both called out.
“I’m getting my two hours,” her voice drifted back to us.
“Oh geez,” Patty said. “I hope they put them across the parking lot from us.”
“Mark my words,” I said, “Jill will find a way to text the experience. She’ll probably do another blast text.”
“Noooo,” Patty said. “She wouldn’t. Wait. She would.”
“I hope that Doug and Tina have the sense to keep Mom away from here.”
“Heck,” Patty said. “I’m hoping they drive her back to Schaumburg and install her into their guest room permanently.”
“Think there’s much of a chance of that?” I asked.
“No.”
We watched as an older-model car swung into the motel parking lot. The Sun Devil Motel was getting popular.
“Mom likes her coffee,” Patty said. “Maybe we can go by in 20 minutes and stall them.”
“There’s a gift shop next door. They sell the usual southwest junk—silver and turquoise bracelets made in China, Grand Canyon postcards, petrified wood, dinosaurs made out of plastic.”
“That should keep her occupied. But as soon as Jill leaves that motel room, we’re going to have to do an intervention,” Patty said.
“Good idea,” I said. “I know I needed one.”
“Not to be nosey or anything, but we should know which room to keep an eye on.”
“Wonder if they got a day rate?” I mused. “I doubt Jill would be that tacky.”
“There they are,” Patty reported, from the balcony. “They’re going into the far left end of the one-story part of the motel, across from the pool.”
“Good scouting.” I had to admit to some feelings of jealousy.
“Come on, let’s go get some breakfast.”
Chapter 12 – Hot Sauce Redux
As we headed out through the lobby, we saw a pleasant-faced older man with a clerical collar at the front desk. He was pointing to the hot sauce, still on its side and uncapped. He seemed distressed. “Do you have any idea how long that bottle’s been open?” he was asking the hotel clerk.
“No, sir, I didn’t even realize it was there,” was the response.
“I opened it last night,” I told him. “By accident.”
The man looked worried and earnest. “I don’t suppose you know what was in there,” he said.
“Actually, I think I do,” I said.
“We were heading over to the diner,” Patty said. “I have a feeling this is a long story. Why don’t you join us?”
“Sure,” said the pleasant-faced man. “Just a second.” He peered inside the bottle, shook his head disappointedly, and replaced the cap. “I’ll just take this with me, though it’s kind of like shutting the gate after the horse has bolted.”
We got inside the Bullhead Diner and spotted Mom, Doug and Tina right away. They were in a booth and were all laughing about something.
As we approached them, Tina said, “There’s room! Patty, Danielle, your mom is a hoot! I’ve never laughed so hard!”
“I was telling them about the time you froze your tongue to the freezer case at Strack and Van Til’s, Danielle,” Evie said.
“Just like ‘A Christmas Story,’” said Doug, still laughing.
“Oh god,” I said. “I suppose the dog pooping on my foot is next.”
But Doug was looking past us. “Father Fritz!” he said in amazement.
“What?” Tina said. “Oh my gosh, Father Fritz! How did you know that we needed you? When did you get into town?”
“I’ve been here for a month,” Father Fritz said. “To think I’d find parishioners in Bullhead City.”
“We noticed we’d had a guest priest for the past few Sundays,” Tina said. “Didn’t we, Doug?”
“It’s a small world,” Evie said confidingly.
“We needed you for an exorcism last night,” Doug said. “I messed up. I used the wrong holy water.”
“Father Fritz, can you do an exorcism for us?” Tina asked urgently.
“May I attend?” Evie asked hopefully. “We Lutherans just don’t offer the full menu of religious experience, I’m sorry to say.”
“An exorcism,” Father Fritz said slowly. “I wonder…”
“We need introductions pronto,” I said. “Because, Father Fritz, I need to know what you know about that bottle of hot sauce!”
“Father, that’s Danielle and Patty Webster there, and this is their mom, Evie,” Tina said. “Okay, we all know each other. Everyone have a seat. You must all be starved!”
“Keep the coffee coming,” Evie told the waitress.
“If there’s hot sauce available,” Doug said, “I could use it on my hash browns.”
“It was open all night on the motel counter,” I said.
“That’s fine,” Doug said. “Where is it now?”
“I’ve got it,” said Father Fritz. “I suppose it’s perfectly okay to open it now. I’m sure what was in it has disappeared.”
“Oh, no, he hasn’t,” I told him. “He’s over at the motel right now, with a Do Not Disturb sign on his door.”
“Really?” said Father Fritz. “Surely you realize who he is, if you tried to perform an exorcism.”
“Yeah,” we all said, all except Mom.
“Who is it?” Evie asked.
“it’s more role-playing games, Mom,” Patty said.
“Oh, RPG’s,” Evie nodded. “So we’re talking about Mr. Bush.”
“Bunch,” everyone corrected her.
“Bush…” I murmured. “You don’t suppose—“
“Text from Jill,” Patty announced.
“Me, too,” I said, getting my phone out.
“It must be a blast. Can we read it in mixed company?” Patty asked.
“I think so. It says ‘delicious,’ only it’s spelled wrong, and she put one of those emoticon things with a tongue hanging out.”
“That means she’s being a smart alec,” Mom said.
“Very good, Mom,” I said, impressed.
“I wonder who’s doing who in there?” Patty said in my ear.
“Jill is watching the perp right now?” Doug asked.
“Bingo,” Patty said, but I rolled my eyes.
“Did you seriously just say ‘perp’? Josh would love you. He uses jargon like that all the time. You must watch the same crime shows.”
“The hot sauce,” Patty said. “You two can argue later. How did you know about the hot sauce, Father Fritz?”
“I should start at the beginning,” he said with a deep breath. “My dad is 92 and lives here in Bullhead City. Recently he got friendly with a guy selling church bonds named Daemon Lassiter.”
“Lassiter,” I said. “He’s sure got a lot of names.”
“Well, under Daemon Lassiter’s influence, Dad decided to change his will, remove my brother and sister and me, and leave everything to the Church. I wasn’t concerned for myself; the Church will take care of me just fine when I retire. But Bob and Linda both are sick and could really use inheritance money to pay bills at some point. So a month ago, I came down here to try to talk some sense into Dad.”
The Devil and Danielle Webster Page 10