by Kristi Ayers
He was. I could feel it skin deep before I even checked.
I looked away quickly and refused to direct my line of sight back at him for the rest of the song. And the next song, when all of them went back to their normal spots on stage. I could still feel his eyes on me, but I focused on Max, and occasionally Douglas.
When their set was over, they quickly tore down everything so the next band could set up. I remained where I was until Max slid into the chair next to me.
“Hey.” His eyes matched the smile on his beautiful lips. I noted his voice was a little husky, in need of the voice steamer.
“Hey,” I breathed. “You all were amazing.” It didn’t take long for tipsy girls to make their way over to him. They touched his biceps and chest, enchanted with his very being. Between offers of a “good time,” he managed to redirect them with a few autographs. They were tickled pink and had to run and show their other friends.
“Let’s get out of here,” he suggested, and we snuck out a door behind the stage. I giggled as we took off, making a beeline in the direction of the van. He chuckled at me. “What are you laughing at?”
We slowed to a walk. “I feel like we’re a celebrity couple escaping the horde of fans.”
He had been looking at me with amusement, but it slowly sobered. His stride slowed down until we stopped, and he faced me. “I want to take you someplace tomorrow. We have a frat party to play in the evening, to which you’re welcome to come, but I’d like to take you in the afternoon to a place that’s special to me.”
That caught me off guard. He looked intently hopeful. “Sure. I’d like that.” He exhaled lightly, as if he’d been worried of my declining.
“I’ll text you in the morning with a time. Let’s get you home now. Or rather, let’s get Adam home before he becomes an idiot in public.”
When we got to the van, Adam was leaning against it with his arms crossed. It looked like he was trying to read us, as if our faces and body language were a tabloid, and he just couldn’t grasp what he was seeing. Max ignored him, but I wanted to get to the bottom of it and I vowed to do so at his house.
Adam drank the whole way back, sitting in the passenger seat, silent and brooding out the window. He had balls to have an open bottle in the vehicle, but thankfully, the windows were tinted dark. I was sure he’d step one foot into his house and pass out, but when we got back, he actually helped unload the van.
Max came up to me, fatigue evident in his eyes. “Douglas and I can walk you to the dorm now. It’s nearly one in the morning.” I glanced up into the star-filled night, the sliver of the waning crescent moon glowing softly.
“It’s that late? Wow. Time flies when you’re having a good time.” I shuffled my foot into the ground, then admitted, “I want to speak with Adam a minute. You guys can go ahead.”
Max looked unsure, like he wanted to argue that it wasn’t safe at night but knew not to be too overprotective. “Okay, I’ll text you tomorrow.” He turned to leave then paused and looked back at me. “Call me if you want me to walk you to the dorm. I mean it. Even if it’s three in the morning, I’ll come back.”
Touched, I walked the few steps to him and took his hands to squeeze them. “Thank you. That’s incredibly sweet of you.” Then I went inside feeling tingly and blushing because I was feeling something, and I liked it.
“Why the goofy grin, Cates?”
My eyes jerked up to see Adam leaning against a wall, a bottle of whiskey in one hand and some sort of large hardback book in his other. I caught the picture on the front and knew immediately that it was one of our high school yearbooks.
I pointed to it, a frown forming on my face. “Did you know I was coming in to talk to you?”
“Knowing. Hoping.”
I quickly tried to assess the situation and if it was a good idea to stay and talk or just go to my dorm. He was drunk, but he also seemed to want me there. “Where was your girlfriend tonight? Doesn’t she watch your shows?”
He made a dismissive gesture and whiskey sloshed to the floor. “I don’t care to talk about her. I want to talk about…the past.”
“Okay, but I think we should sit down.” I took the lead to the living room and hoped he was okay to take that step down into the room. One little step to someone drunk could be equivalent to a cliff off a mountain, but he managed just fine.
“If you’re cold, you can light the fire. It’s all set up. I like to be prepared.”
I was sure the whiskey was keeping him warm enough, but I conceded the room did feel drafty. I chewed my lip, contemplating how long I was going to even talk to him, then walked to the fireplace and lit the newspapers crammed under aesthetically placed logs with a nearby match. I heard Adam flipping through the yearbook, taking his time revisiting the past. Once the fire seemed to envelop the wood and a nice warmth spread a circumference around it, I sat on the couch by Adam because I was sure he wanted to point out a few memories frozen in glossy pictures.
Chapter 7
Holland
Adam stopped on a page that was dedicated to our high school orchestra. His hand splayed as if merely touching it could bring it all back. Pensively, he looked at one rectangular picture his hand wasn’t covering.
I knew that picture well. I had looked at it with pride a thousand times. My parents showed it off like a diamond to anyone who’d taken pause: coworkers, friends, and of course, our whole family. It was when I took First Place at the district competition. Someone had captured unequivocal elation on my face. All my endless hours of hard work came down to that one moment.
“I’ll never forget that smile.” Adam sounded wistful, his mind far away. His fire-lit eyes were seeing the events of that day: the two-hour bus ride to the university hosting the competition, scrambling to find the right hall that led to our specific judges for each individual instrument, the nerves that threatened to consume us whole. “I thought that day you were the most beautiful you had ever looked, but I was wrong.” He kept staring at that picture for a moment, and then he raised his espresso eyes to meet mine. “Tonight was.”
My breath caught in my throat. I didn’t know how to process that, much less what to say after such an admission. The fire suddenly felt too warm as I became nervous in his presence. His admission made me feel things that I was not entitled to feel. He had a girlfriend. I wanted to get up and pace, or maybe leave, but he grabbed my hand when I began to propel myself up. “Don’t go.”
I took in his pleading eyes. They were such a rich captivating brown that nearly held you against your will. I paused. This had to be a bad idea, being here alone with him when he was drunk, yet here I am. He kept his hand loosely entwined with mine, even when I leaned back against the couch. It was getting exceedingly late and I really should have left because my eyes were getting sleepy, but I wanted to know why Adam seemed so desperate for me to stay. I wanted in his mind. And it appeared he was going to give me a very uncharacteristic pass.
“What happened to the guy I used to know?” Best to jump right to the point, yeah? Wrong. The master of deflection never let his guard down, apparently.
“That’s just it, did we really know each other back then? You never spoke one word to me.”
Offended, I had to argue. “I— That’s not true. I know I…” I blinked, thinking back.
“See? Nothing. I would have committed it to memory if you had.”
I strained my memory to grasp at least something, a greeting of some sort, but he was right; I never talked to him directly.
“I mean, why would a rich, pretty girl like you talk to someone so unremarkable as the fat drummer boy?”
I took my hand back, finally irritated. “Well, I guess you didn’t know me either. I wasn’t rich, not in the least.”
He scoffed. “I saw your brand name jeans when I admired your ass. Don’t tell me—”
“I got all my clothes from garage sales and consignment shops,” I blurted, the embarrassing fact of it stinging my pride. “We lived in a tiny
house until we went bankrupt after Lia’s funeral. Now my parents are in an even smaller rental house.”
He immediately sobered, the news of my sister’s death a complete and utter shock. He sat straighter and angled his body toward me.
“When?” It was just one breathy word, rich with empathy.
“Pretty much after you left.” I sighed heavily, knowing the how, where, and why were coming next. I’d learned it was better to just get it all out at once. They say if you can talk about it without crying, you’ve healed, but I had to disagree. I might not have cried openly anymore, but I certainly hadn’t healed. I missed Lia more every day, yet each day that passed was a day closer to seeing her again. She was my best friend. We vowed to be in each other’s weddings. She was twenty and engaged to her long-time boyfriend, so it wouldn’t have been long before our childhood dreams were put into action. “She was out sailing with her fiancé. The ocean was too rough that evening, but they were adamant about celebrating the day they first met. The wind capsized their boat, and while the rescuers searched for them, a bad storm blew in and hindered their efforts. All I could think about was how Lia felt as she drowned while the very substance that took her life also beat down from the sky.”
Adam, for once, was speechless, but there were words in his eyes. He took my hand again, but this time, he laced his fingers firmly through mine. “Cates, we’re more alike than you could ever imagine.” His eyes were moist, matching mine.
If we were alike, as he claimed, then had he lost someone too? I felt I was on the brink of finding out what Max couldn’t tell me the other night. I looked at our clasped hands, registering that it felt too intimate since he did have a girlfriend, but relishing the comfort it also provided, wrong or not.
The fire crackled and cast soft yellow-orange light dancing across the room. Adam’s face was half in shadow, his brown eyes the color of the naked Earth. It was then I knew he’d lost a huge piece of his heart, someone who held Adam’s world in their hands. “My dad was murdered.”
I inhaled a sharp breath. It was worse than I anticipated. “Adam…” I squeezed his hand and his fervently gripped mine. “Is that why you moved away?”
He nodded, pain written on his face, but he took a fortifying drink of his whiskey and then a deep breath. “Mom thought it would be better to move two hours away to avoid unwanted attention. She got a new job, and I got a new school. It worked. No one knew my story and I had this new life suddenly. Eventually, I confided in Max and Douglas, but they were the only ones I ever told. Until you.”
His gaze held mine, both of us sharing pain we never thought we’d experience in our lifetime. Neither of us should’ve had to deal with such scarring events and the everlasting emotions. But we had, and suddenly, I didn’t feel so alone in my pain. Someone else who had walked through darkness was sitting right next to me.
Adam wiped a tear off my cheek I didn’t know had been there. “Holland, you’re tired. Lie down right here. Don’t go home tonight.” There was a plea hidden behind his suggestion. My lids felt heavy and the couch looked comfortable. I hesitated, then leaned over, and Adam pulled a blanket over me from the top of the couch. My head was not far from his leg, and soon I felt his fingers gently brushing my hair away from my face. It was hypnotic, and just enough to relax me the rest of the way into slumber.
Early the next morning, I popped awake with a start, quickly taking in my surroundings and remembering how I got there. Adam wasn’t on the couch, but his whiskey bottle still sat on the end table. The fire had burned out, not even a glowing ember left.
I looked up to see Adam walking toward me with a travel mug. “Here’s some coffee for the road.” He handed it over, barely meeting my eyes. Sober Adam wanted me to leave. Suddenly, last night felt like it was all for nothing. Where I thought we bonded over our losses apparently meant nothing after a few hours of sleep.
I tossed the blanket to the side and stood, grateful for the hot coffee but annoyed at being kicked out so abruptly. I couldn’t muster anything other than a dry, mumbled “thanks,” referring to the coffee, as I headed to the door.
“Don’t be frosty, Cates. Or are you normally a bear in the mornings?”
I shot him a sleepy-eyed glare.
“Drink the coffee, you’ll feel better.”
I shut the door behind me and stalked away from the Victorian. A chilly breeze met me on the sidewalk, and I remembered the coffee I angrily gripped in one hand. At least it would keep me warm until I got to my dorm. I took a sip, and then winced and choked. Adam put alcohol in it. That son of a bitch gave me jet fuel to drink. Was this how he took his coffee? After I recovered from the slow burn of my insides, I looked down the sidewalk and noticed someone approaching wearing a hoodie. It dawned on me that I hadn’t checked to see if my hair was a tangled mess, so I drove my gaze to the pavement and planned to avoid eye contact.
“Holland?”
What were the chances? I raised my head up to see Max eyeing me with curiosity. He saw what direction I had been coming from and how I wore the same clothes I’d worn yesterday. I felt my cheeks flush because it undoubtedly looked like I was doing the Walk of Shame. “Hey, Max.” What else was I supposed to say? I didn’t want to ask if he was heading to Adam’s so he could turn around and ask if that was where I’d been, even though it was pretty obvious.
I wish he had asked so I could clear it up, because the look in his eyes was one of hurt and I felt like a real jerk. I couldn’t let him think I hooked up with his best friend who had a girlfriend.
“Chilly morning.” Max was just too polite to state the obvious.
“Yeah… Max, I have to clear something up.” He stiffened, his blue eyes guardedly looking at me. “I know what this looks like–” I gestured to my clothes. “I fell asleep at Adam’s house. We were talking, and my eyelids got so heavy and I was just going to close them for a few minutes. I woke up this morning and he shoved this poison at me,” I held up the travel mug, “and had me leave. That’s all that happened.”
Max looked at the mug and then burst out laughing. “He gave you some of his special coffee, huh?” He looked equal parts relieved and amused now.
“I work at a coffee shop and this is not coffee. This is what fuels fighter jets for war. I’m not sure it’s safe to even pour down a sink.”
He laughed even harder. “That’s Adam’s coffee for you.”
“How is he not on a liver transplant list?” It was fun cracking jokes, but a little pang in my heart knew the real reason behind his drinking. He was self-medicating, because the pain of losing his dad was insidious and all-consuming. I knew that pain, although I’d never turned to drinking. My reprieve was my music. “He told me. About his dad, I mean.”
Max nodded solemnly. It felt like we were finally on the same page regarding the understanding of Adam’s behavior and choices. “I’m glad he told you.”
“I don’t know any of the details, just the fact that he was murdered. I can’t even imagine…” I shook my head slowly. Now I understood why no one back home talked about why he abruptly moved away, and it made me ache that he was in a new place alone with his pain. My friends were always there, even if I preferred to be antisocial. They’d come to me if I refused to leave my room, hauling in pizza, movies, and board games.
“Well, I need to stop by Adam’s for a minute. How about we meet at my room at noon? Wear comfortable shoes, okay?”
“Sure, and okay…” What did he have planned for us to do? Hike?
He winked, a playful smile tugging at his lips, then started walking to Adam’s.
The minute I stepped into my dorm room, Violet ambushed me with relentless questions about my night, having basically fabricated a play by play story already. “So you had a wild, passionate night in the arms of Max after he serenaded you with all his hot rock star essence?”
“No, I wasn’t at Max’s after the show.”
“You both crashed at Adam’s? Oooh, this is getting kinky.” Her eyes lit
up like the New Year’s Eve ball.
“No, Max went back to his dorm room.” I gathered up things for a shower. It was funny how she assumed my life was full of epic romantic adventures. That was her, not me. I hadn’t been big on dating ever since Lia died. Dating meant connecting with someone, something I lost practice doing when I holed myself up in my room. But being miles away from all the reminders had given me a chance to avoid constantly be haunted by the sights and perfumed scent of memories with Lia. Everything back home reminded me of her, which was both good and bad. I cherished the memories; they were mental treasures, but each one came with the searing pain of longing for the ability to rewind time.
“You stayed the night with Adam?” She sat up straighter. “This is getting juicy. How did you go with Max but end up with Adam? And was he good?”
Oh, for the love of— “All we did was talk. I fell asleep on the couch. Nothing happened.”
Her jaw dropped, but thankfully, her enormous breasts wouldn’t let it hit the floor. She recovered quickly and proceeded to scold me for not showing the drummer I could keep a “wicked carnal beat” of my own. I rushed to the shower blushing ten shades of red.
Two minutes before noon, I stood at Max’s door, scared I’d dressed inappropriately for whatever adventure that called for “comfortable shoes,” and debating going back up to change, or maybe cancelling the entire thing. Claim illness. Poisoning from Adam’s coffee. I shifted back and forth, stalling.
“Looking a little green around the gills, Holland. You all right?”
Startled, I jumped and ended up knocking into Douglas, who was behind me. After I computed that he must have witnessed my nerves making me “green,” I blushed and said, “Oh, sorry. No, I’m fine. I was just…” I stumbled inwardly, not knowing if I should say I had a date scheduled with Max, but paused, wondering if it technically was a date at all…
Douglas smiled knowingly and opened the door.