by ANDREA SMITH
I didn’t stick around to watch as Trey’s face took on a totally different persona. I heard him start the automatic timer on Preston’s swing and imagined that he'd placed her there so that he could deal with me. I was glad, in that moment that I'd fled the room for my own safety. I found my solace in our own room, flinging myself on the bed. My body was racked with sobs and tears. It was only moments before Trey was there on the bed, sitting down beside me. He observed my meltdown. He did nothing, letting me sob for a while. He probably figured that was my ‘just desserts’ for losing it out there in front of the baby.
“Tylar,” he finally implored in a soft and sane tone, “what the hell is going on?”
I sat up and looked at him, brushing the tears from my face. I gathered courage from somewhere in the depths of my being. “I can’t take it when you say that I’m not a good mother,” I choked, still fighting tears. “I love that baby more than life itself. Don’t you get that?”
He was watching me quizzically, almost as if he thought I'd gone off of the deep end. “Sweetie,” he said softly, “I wasn’t criticizing you in any way, shape or form. This is all new to me as well. It was just that when I changed her diaper, I was kind of . . . well, taken aback at the rash she has going on. I didn’t mean to accuse you of not taking care of her properly. Please believe me.”
I was still sobbing, letting all of my fears and tension release for now. I felt better in doing so. I'd needed this release. My only regret was that my husband and daughter had witnessed it. I hadn’t wanted that at all.
“Trey,” I said, sighing heavily, “This has been a very tough day on me. I’m shaken because of Jean and what Gina is going through, but I’m also worried about Preston.”
“Baby, it’s just a rash,” he started.
“No, not just the rash,” I explained tentatively, “I’ve been having nightmares about Preston. It’s as if I can’t keep her safe. There’s nothing more definitive than that in my dreams. I’m worried.”
“Sweetie,” he started, “you're a new mom, but I promise you that you're doing everything right. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
Trey was just not getting it. He didn't realize the depths of my concern and my fear for her. He didn’t know just how worried I'd become. He was staring at me now. It was that look I'd seen before as if he expected me to crumble into a million pieces. Our reverie was broken by the sound of the baby crying. It was her hungry cry; I recognized it. I felt the ‘letdown’ in my breasts. My milk was coming in and my breasts were full and begging for release.
I couldn’t handle nursing her right now. I couldn’t deal with the closeness that came with nursing my baby girl. Trey watched as I did nothing after hearing the sound of her cry. He left the room and promptly returned holding Preston, bringing her toward me and holding her for me to take. I took her from him tentatively. She recognized my touch, my scent, my nearness. I held her close and she immediately started nuzzling against me. She wanted her fulfillment from me; I wasn’t prepared to give it to her right now. I was starting to have fears and apprehension where she was concerned. Trey was watching me, his face not bothering to mask his concern at my impassiveness towards the baby. He'd never seen that before. I was suddenly afraid to be close to her; I was too attached. What if she wasn’t here for the long haul? I pulled her from me, handing her back to Trey.
“There are bottles in the fridge,” I said my voice shaking. “Will you please feed her?”
He took the baby from me and immediately she started kicking and fussing in protest. I heard him murmuring softly to her as he took her down the hall towards the kitchen where he would heat up a bottle of my breast-pumped milk and feed her before she went down for the night.
I quickly changed into a nightgown and crawled into the safe comfort of our bed not wanting to think about anything but falling into a deep, dark sleep. My wishes were granted. I didn’t want anything to do with my baby, for now. It just wasn’t safe.
CHAPTER 6
I'd been sleeping for a while when I heard Preston fussing again from her bedroom. I felt Trey get up and leave our bed, returning in a couple of minutes with Preston in his arms. I pretended to sleep, never opening my eyes. I felt Trey lower himself down onto the bed, and fumble with my nightgown trying to lower the neckline in order to place Preston next to me so that she could nurse. I rolled my body away from them into a tight ball, leaving him and my hungry baby staring at my back. I heard Trey curse softly under his breath as he left our bed. He returned a few moments later with Preston and a bottle. I could hear him coaxing her to take the bottle as she fussed wanting my breast instead.
Tears stained my cheeks as I did nothing to remedy the situation. Trey was finally able to persuade her to take the nipple of the bottle into her mouth. I heard her finally start sucking away on it hungrily. What kind of a piece of shit mother was I?
I fell back into a restless and troubled sleep. My dreams haunted me; the one I had this night was the worst ever. I dreamed that I was wandering around a cemetery by myself; I was tired, hungry and totally disheveled. I'd no clue as to where I was or how I'd gotten there. I tripped over a branch that had fallen from a large oak tree in the cemetery; rain was pounding down around me in torrents. I tried in vain to get my bearings in this dark, wet cemetery. On the ground crawling in inches after my fall, my hands frantically searched to find something stable. I finally grasped something that felt human, or at least previously human. I scooted up towards what I'd been touching with my hands. It was cold and unyielding. My eyes finally adjusted to the dark and I could make out the features. I shrieked in fear and in disgust.
It was Jean!
Her features were distorted by decay. Her skin was dark brown and textured like leather. I found the strength to raise myself up and onto my feet. I wanted to run as fast and as far away as possible from what I'd just discovered. I felt the bile rise up in my throat. I stumbled over a flat gravestone and sprawled once again onto the ground of the cemetery; the rain was pelting against my skin from all directions.
I blinked my eyes trying to get some focus against the raindrops which were mercilessly assaulting my face. I was now belly-crawling through this unnamed cemetery looking for any exit out of the nightmare. My hand brushed against another flat headstone that felt smooth to the touch. The raised mound of dirt on this side of it reflected a fresh grave. It was a tiny grave. There was an outline of an angel engraved into the headstone. I stared into the face of the angel then lowered my gaze to see what was encrypted in the marble:
Preston Michaela Sinclair
Beloved Daughter of Tylar & Trey
Rest In Peace Our Little Angel
I felt the scream rise up in my throat. The next thing I heard was it echoing across the cemetery. It was a plaintive wail. The sound of it made my own skin crawl. My baby was gone . . . my precious angel was gone forever. I'd failed to protect her. My screams went on and on. I saw no reason to stop screaming. I wanted to die screaming.
“Tylar!”
Someone was yelling my name. I felt a hand slapping me across my face. It stung like hell. I felt the tears rushing down my cheeks. A light flickered on overhead. My eyes immediately squeezed shut tightly to shield the light from them. My pulse slowed. I became aware that I was no longer belly-crawling through a cemetery but was in fact in my bed. Trey was looking down at me his eyes wide with alarm and fear.
“Trey,” I gasped. “Where's Preston?”
“She’s in her bed in her room,” he stated.
I quickly threw the covers back and launched myself out of our bed making a mad dash for her room. I flicked the overhead lights on once I was there and crept up quietly to her crib. I watched as her swaddled little body slept, noting the rise and fall of her stomach as she breathed life. Trey was right behind me in the doorway. The look of alarm was apparent on his face. Did he think that I'd do anything to hurt my baby? He stood in the doorway, watching me as I leaned over the rails of her crib and gently lifted her
up, placing her gently against me. I kissed the top of her head over and over again. My tears were still flowing.
She squirmed against me, yawning and stretching in my arms as I cradled her and rocked her gently. I took a seat in the nearby rocker, lowering my nightgown to expose a breast as I cuddled her next to me. She latched onto my breast within seconds, gently sucking and kneading them in contentment. I loved her so much. I didn’t know how long I sat there rocking my beautiful baby girl before I felt Trey lift her from my arms and place her back into her crib drawing a blanket up to her waist and turning her overhead light out.
He came to me holding his hand out to help me from the rocker and gently led me back to our bed. I crawled beneath the comforter, snuggling up against him as he found his place beside me. I felt Trey’s hands against me, removing my nightgown, lowering my panties as his hands urgently plied my womanhood.
I grew wet for him as I always did; pressing my body up against him hungry for a release that I knew only he could give me. Trey wasted no time on foreplay. Our coupling now required no foreplay. It was simply one of need and fulfillment. We'd lost our connection for a brief period of time and we both needed it back.
He was hovering over me now, his throbbing manhood poised above me, waiting for entrance. I opened my body and my heart for him as he plunged within me again and again. I felt pleasure and pain at the same time; I deserved both. I loved my husband and I loved my daughter more than anything else on earth. For some reason I'd become ungrounded with the fear that something unexpected was threatening our family bonds.
“Are you ready, baby? Are you ready to come for me?”
I loved his sweet voice; I loved the way that Trey loved me and made love to me. I loved the way that Trey fucked me when he knew that fucking was what I needed. “I’m ready, baby,” I breathed, grabbing his tight ass and pulling it in towards me.
He was mine for now. I wasn’t sure about forever because I'd no point of reference on that. I'd known plenty of people that had promised forever but it had just never come to be. For now he was mine. This was mine. Perhaps that's all that I could ever hope for. I knew that no matter what, I'd do everything within my power to protect Preston with my last dying breath.
Trey came with a vengeance at that moment, and so did I. We screamed in pleasure, calling out each other’s names in passion and in love. We clung to one another out of love and need. He was my rock just as I was his. Preston was the bond between us that would never break. She was his gift to me and my gift to him. She was the better of us both and we knew it; the result of our perfect coupling.
Trey collapsed beside me; he was spent, his breath ragged and shallow as he relaxed from our lovemaking. “Tylar, I love you so much,” he breathed, kissing my face, my neck and my lips warmly. “Please, let me in.”
I was puzzled by what he'd just said to me. Not the part about loving me - he told me that often. I was puzzled about his final comment about letting him in. I pulled back from him, searching his face in the semi-darkness of the room looking for a hint.
“Trey, I love you,” I whispered against his chest as my face lowered to him. “You're always with me,” I said, hoping that this somehow satisfied his need to be let in.
He perched himself up on his elbow, taking his hand and gently brushing my hair back off of my face. He leaned towards me and brushed his lips against mine gently. "How would you feel about my mother coming and spending some time here with us?”
“Why?” I asked tentatively.
“I just feel that maybe you need a break, baby. I know that you trust Mom with Preston, and she'd love to spend some time here with the baby and with us. This way, you could focus on getting the house ready for our move. Would you consider coming back to the firm for a few weeks?”
“What?” I asked confused as to how the subject of his mother coming to stay for a while had morphed into my going back to work.
“Leah has to have some surgery. You know Harmon’s office almost as well as she does. If you could help out there for me, Mom could take care of Preston. I really do think it would do you some good to be away from the baby a little bit. You need to know there's nothing at all to be frightened about, okay?”
Trey really didn't get it. I could see that now. To argue or resist his suggestions would only reaffirm what he was already thinking which was that I was paranoid or delusional or both. I wasn't prepared to argue this point with him because the truth was I had no argument. I was operating solely on maternal instinct and I knew that in Trey’s eyes it would never hold up in court.
“I think that's a great idea," I lied, But aren’t your parents in Europe right now?”
He raised my hand to his lips, lightly brushing them against it; his eyes never strayed from mine. “I talked to my mother earlier this evening; she'd absolutely love cutting their trip short in order to spend some time with us, as long as you're okay with it.”
“Well of course I am,” I lied. “Preston needs some quality time with Grandma and you're probably right. I need to spend some quality time outside of this apartment and focusing on things other than the baby.”
Trey pulled me to him, embracing me within his strong arms as I tried to swallow the lump of fear that was lodged within my throat.
CHAPTER 7
When I awoke Preston was nuzzled against me. She must've awakened during the night. This seemed to be an every night occurrence nowadays. Trey must've brought her to me like always since he'd banished her from our bedroom. That was his sole contribution to her feeding these days.
Her head was bobbing as she gently nursed from me. It was odd that I hadn’t felt her latch on, but sometimes she nursed more gently than other times. I looked at the clock on our night stand. Shit! I needed to get up and be out and about on my business for the day. It seemed like all she ever wanted to do was eat! I pulled her from my breast so that I could rise up off of my side into a sitting position. Her milk sopped mouth quivered with unhappiness. I threw my legs over the side of the bed and wiped the sleep from my eyes still cradling her in my free arm.
She started fussing immediately, kicking her chubby legs up in the air in anger, catching me in the face with her foot. Shit! That hurt! I wasn't in the mood for one of her notorious hissy fits at the moment that was for sure. I laid her down across the bed, and rubbed my temples. My head was pounding. Preston had seemed to turn into one fussy, demanding baby overnight. Right now, she was into full blown wailing. I was grinding my teeth in stress.
I'd had enough. Fuck breast-feeding; screw motherhood! It seemed like I'd lived with this baby attached to one of my tits for the last several months. She'd sucked the life out of me. Her wailing was quickly grating on my nerves like fingernails raking down a chalkboard. I looked at her as she writhed and squirmed on the bed, her face scrunched up and red with anger. Her hands were clenched up in little fists.
Something drove me to suddenly raise my hand back and slap it firmly against her cheek. I was desperate for something - anything to make her shut the fuck up. I just couldn’t handle it any longer!
The feel of my skin slapping harshly against her soft, baby skin was new to me. It stunned her I could tell.
Her large blue eyes widened in surprise as she looked at me, crushed. I'd left a red hand print on her cheek. Perhaps it was time for her to realize that in life you don’t always get what you want when you want it.
She wailed in response to the slap. Large droplets of tears streaked paths down her cheeks. Good God; Trey would probably be racing in here now to see what the hell was going on. He hovered over me constantly these days. I finally picked her up off of the bed to change her diaper and get her ready so I wouldn't be delayed in getting my start for the day. She was still sobbing and crying when I placed her on the changing table in her room and removed her soaked diaper; she was sucking on her fist.
I clasped my hand around her ankles, raising her butt up in the air so that I could put a clean diaper underneath it with my free hand. She
continued to whimper and pull her legs back from me. God, I was so not in the mood for this today. I finally allowed her to succeed in freeing her legs from my grasp. She was kicking and sobbing. Her little arms reached up to me. She wanted me to pick her up; she still wanted the tit.
I flipped her over onto her belly, which now provided me full access to her bare bottom. I smacked my open hand against the bare flesh of her butt again and again. Listening to the sound of my skin slapping her skin reminded me of the sounds that I'd often heard as far back as I could remember. Sometimes pain followed the sound; other times only a feeling of fear and disgust. I looked down at the baby as my thoughts drifted back to the present. Her bottom was crimson red from my smacks. By this time she was shrieking in pain; her chubby legs were squirming against the pad of her changing table trying to scoot away out of my reach. She was scared of me.
There, there now. . . Perhaps I'd slapped that fucking rash right off of her butt. Trey wouldn't have a reason to bitch at me about it anymore! He couldn't accuse me of being a negligent mother. She continued kicking and screaming on her changing table. Fuck it! If she wanted to lay there diaper-less and pitch a fit so be it. I was going to get dressed.
I left her on the changing table in her room, and made a hasty retreat back to the master suite so that I could find something to wear in my closet. I searched for something sexy to wear. I wanted to look and feel sexy again, not like some wet-nurse with tits hanging down to the knees. I found a pair of tight jeans in my closet and pulled them up over my still slim hips and flat stomach. I rummaged through my closet drawers and found a sexy black top with a built in push-up bra. With my larger breasts it, revealed a whole lot of cleavage.
This would be perfect to wear out to the construction site this afternoon. I had to meet with the contractor about the flooring in the main hallway and he was ten shades of sexy. I'd noticed how he'd watched me whenever I went out to the site as long as Trey wasn't with me.