Her nose scrunched up in confusion but I didn’t want to spell it out for her. I didn’t want to go down that road, because I had a feeling once we set down that path, we would end up hashing out years’ worth of anger and hurt.
This wasn’t the time or the place, and I didn’t want her decision to be about any of that. This was about Alice coming out of the shadows for once and into the spotlight, with all the pros and cons that come with it.
And yeah, okay, maybe it was a little bit about me, too. But I wanted us to do this together and I wanted her to want that too. If we ever stood a chance of actually making this a real relationship, at some point we’d have to maneuver this social minefield between us and this seemed like a good step. It was still in her world of theater, but we’d be on stage together. We’d both be in the spotlight.
She looked deep in thought and I was well aware that I was needed back in the theater for the next scene. “I should go. But just think about it, okay?”
She nodded and then she gave me a hesitant smile. “Will I see you tomorrow for a one-on-one rehearsal?”
“Can’t, I’ve got the game tomorrow, remember?”
“Oh yeah. Well then I guess I’ll just see you—”
“Come to the game.” The words just kind of came out and she looked just as shocked as I felt. I hadn’t asked her before because I hadn’t wanted to put her on the spot. I guess I’d kind of hoped that maybe she’d want to support me, or maybe she’d gotten over her jaded attitude toward popular people, in general, and athletes, in particular.
I guess I’d hoped that getting closer again had helped her see that we weren’t all the one-dimensional, shallow jerks she made us out to be.
“I, uh—” She licked her lips as she backed away a bit. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
“Why not?” Aw, what the hell? I was in it to win it now. “Come to the game or just come to the party afterward at Melody’s house.”
She bit her lip and I could feel my patience wearing thin. “Why not just come and hang out with my friends? One night, that’s all I’m asking for. Everyone knows we’re dating, and no one cares.”
She arched her eyebrows and I got her point.
I rolled my eyes. “Well, no one except for Hayley, and she’ll get over it. Her ego was bruised, that’s all. She’s probably already rebounding with some poor schmuck who buys her nice girl routine.”
Alice took another step back so she was out of my arms. I let my arms drop, feeling her loss like a limb. I had sinking feeling in my gut that her actions were my answer.
Our old issue was still there between us. We got along great as long as it was just the two of us, but she wouldn’t meet me halfway.
“I know sports aren’t your thing,” I said, making a last-ditch effort to explain and to maybe close this weird distance between us that just felt so wrong. “But it’s important to me.”
She took another step back and I could feel her retreating in every sense of the word. “I’ll think about, okay?”
I nodded and watched as she walked away. Again.
My heart felt like lead as I realized that this could be it—this could be the time that she walked away for good.
Chapter Eleven
Alice
The next day I still felt like crap. It had nothing to do with the disgusting lunch that the cafeteria was serving. I pushed the greasy chicken strips around on my plate—okay, maybe it had a little to do with the food. But it had nothing to do with whether I’d take the role of Gwendolyn, because of course I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. That wasn’t me, it wasn’t my thing. But what was really nagging at me was the look in Brian’s eyes right before I’d walked away.
He’d looked so…hurt.
I’d wanted to call him last night because I hated how we’d ended things, but by the time I’d summoned up the courage it had been too late. I knew he’d go to bed early to rest up for the big game today.
The big game. Honestly. I couldn’t believe I was dating someone who wanted me to go to the big game. It sounded like something out of an old-timey movie, like Grease or something. Maybe we could all go to the malt shop afterward.
I smirked at my own joke—Julian would have found it funny. Now he understood that there was more to life than football, beer, and cheerleaders.
But maybe it was for the best that I was avoiding Julian, because even just cracking a joke like that to myself had guilt gnawing at me. I was being unfair to Brian and I knew it. It was habit more than anything that made it so easy to believe the worst in him. I had no reason to think well of his friends but Brian deserved better than that.
He’d stuck with the play, hadn’t he? And yes he liked football more than the average person, but he also always seemed interested in hearing about my new favorite band or the last book I’d read.
But did that mean that I had to go to the game and pretend to enjoy it? Did it mean that I had to endure a kegger with a group of classmates I’d managed to avoid for the past five years?
It was one night, one game, one party. I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t worth this level of angst. But the thing was, it kind of was. I had a feeling—no, I knew—that what I decided would affect us. Me and Brian.
And while I might not love football or his friends…I loved me and Brian. I loved us together. I loved his kisses. I loved the way he made me laugh and teased me and how well he knew me. I loved…
I heard his easy, infectious laugh on the other side of the cafeteria and looked over. He was smiling at something one of his buddies was saying, his eyes all crinkled up in the corners in that way that made my stomach do backflips. He looked so kind and smart and confident and…
And holy crap. I loved Brian.
“Are you all right?” Julian stood beside me holding a tray of similarly disgusting looking food and frowning down at me. “Seriously, should I not eat this? You look like you might throw up.”
I tried to clear my expression as I moved my tray slightly in a gesture that he should join me. “I’m fine,” I said. “But I would not trust that meat.”
He sighed and shoved his tray away. “Duly noted.”
There was a silence that lasted two seconds too long.
“Soo,” Julian drawled, his gaze fixed on me behind those black-rimmed glasses. “Are we still awkwardly avoiding each other or…” He gestured between the two of us. “What are we doing here?”
I grinned at his snarky tone as much as the words. I’d always loved how forthright he was. Never one to beat around the bush.
I folded my hands in my lap and feigned a super serious look of deliberation. “I am ready to commence friendship if you are.”
His grin was quick and uncharacteristically big. “Awesome. I’ve missed you.”
My heart skipped a beat—but not in a romantic way. “I missed you too.” And I had. I’d missed his friendship. But I had to admit to myself that I’d stopped pining over him ever since…
Well, ever since Brian Kirkland kissed me. It was like that one kiss was all the insight I needed to see that my feelings toward Julian were friendly. Sure we might have made more sense together than me and Brian, but I had a hard time even imagining kissing him, if I was being honest.
Julian looked past me toward Brian’s table, which was louder than usual today. No doubt because of the big game that everyone was so excited about.
“So, you and Brian, huh?” he said, his tone not giving anything away. “I definitely did not see that one coming.”
I let out a short laugh. “You and me both.”
He turned to face me. “Why didn’t you tell me that you guys were a thing?”
I took a deep breath, trying to figure out how much to tell him and where to begin. I mean, I still didn’t relish the thought of explaining my stupidity that night at the movie theater and it didn’t seem to be necessary. Speaking of that night… “Why didn’t you tell me you were dating the barista?”
I thought he might shrug it off, but h
e gave a guilty wince instead. “Yeah, about that…” He picked at one of my greasy fries. He cleared his throat, his gaze still locked on my fries, a dead giveaway that he was uncomfortable. “I guess I thought…” He looked up and made eye contact. I don’t think I’d ever seen Julian nervous before. “I guess I thought that maybe one day something might happen between us?”
I stared at him, too surprised to respond right away. Then I managed a short laugh. “Was that a question?”
He laughed too and some of the tension eased. “I don’t know, maybe that was a ridiculous thought—”
“It wasn’t,” I said. “I’d had the same thought.”
He widened his eyes, his eyebrows rising up to his hairline. “Yeah?”
I shrugged, trying to ignore the heat in my cheeks.
He let me off the hook. “I mean, yeah. Of course. It kind of made sense, right?” He gestured between the two of us again. “I mean we make sense.”
I nodded. “Totally.”
We made a hell of a lot more sense than me and Brian, that was for sure.
“I mean, you’re hot,” he said, making my blush intensify exponentially.
“Shut up,” I mumbled.
“You are,” he insisted, apparently not realizing or not caring that his words were making me so uncomfortable I was contemplating dumping my club soda over my head to cool my burning cheeks. He was too busy laying out all the reasons we ought to be into each other.
“We have a similar sense of humor,” he said, ticking it off on his finger. “I mean, you spent an entire day watching The Mighty Boosh with me.” He shook his head. “How many girls would do that?”
I pretended to mull it over. “Not many.”
“Exactly. What we have…” He gestured once more between us.
“What we have is a great friendship,” I said.
He gave me another grin, this time one of understanding. “Exactly.”
I nodded slowly. Exactly. We were good friends. Great friends, even. But that was all that was between us.
He went back to playing with the fries. “So yeah, I guess I felt weird talking to you about other girls because I thought maybe one day…”
“One day we’d suddenly click,” I finished for him. I knew because I’d thought the same thing.
His face lit up. “Exactly! I thought one day there might be a moment, you know? Maybe this awesome friendship would spark and there would suddenly be this amazing chemistry between us and….”
He trailed off with a shrug.
“And it never happened,” I said.
“Nope.” He sighed. “Life would be easier if it had.”
I grinned. I couldn’t have said it better myself. “Troubles with Leila?”
His laugh was rueful. “Not troubles, really, just…misunderstandings. Confusion.”
His brow was furrowed and I felt his pain. I knew exactly what he meant. “Me too.”
He looked over with interest. “Yeah? You and the king jock having issues?”
I tried to be annoyed with him for calling Brian the king jock, but I couldn’t. It wasn’t said with malice and it wasn’t as if I didn’t call him that to his face on a regular basis these days. “He’s just…” I started. “I mean, I’m just…”
Oh hell. I had no idea how to explain.
“You’re different?” Julian offered, his smirk knowing but not mean.
“Yeah,” I said with a sigh. “We’re different. And we have different friends, and interests, and we live in these very different worlds and—”
“I get it,” Julian said as he nodded. “Trust me, I get it.”
His sigh said he totally did get it. “You too?”
He didn’t answer, seemingly lost in thought, but then he turned to face me suddenly. “If you would have told me a few weeks ago that I’d be dating a girl who’s perky…”
His expression was filled with disbelief and I couldn’t smother a laugh at the disgust in his tone when he’d said perky. He made it sound like being perky was synonymous with having syphilis.
I bit my lip to keep from responding. I couldn’t have imagined it, but then again… “If anyone had told me I’d be dating the star quarterback of our football team…?”
He laughed and I did too.
“What have we gotten ourselves into?” he asked.
He wasn’t asking for an answer so I didn’t give him one. I’d been thinking the same thing all day. What had I gotten myself into?
It had felt so perfect, so right. And then it hadn’t. One minute I’d been swept up in this crazy, passionate, romantic new relationship. One that was so easy, so effortless… and the next?
Well then I’d had to face reality.
“You know,” Julian said slowly, tapping a mushy fry against his tray. “While you and me might have made sense on paper, in the real world, I think it’s you and Brian who make sense together.”
I blinked at him. And then I blinked again. One more time for good measure. “Come again?”
He laughed but he was shaking his head. “It’s like me and Leila. At first I was convinced it couldn’t last because we’re just so different, but then…”
But then…he noticed how she looked in an apron? It was my best guess, but it seemed me and my cynical thinking were wrong.
“But then I realized that she was good for me.” He shrugged. “Sure, at first I couldn’t really understand why I was so into her. I mean, the girl is bubbly, and outgoing, and optimistic.”
I gave a mock grimace. “Sounds awful.”
“Right?” he said with a laugh. “But what I’m realizing is, she evens me out. She challenges me and gets me out of my comfort zone.”
I was quiet while I thought about what he’d said but apparently Julian misconstrued my silence. “Don’t get me wrong,” he added quickly. “I love having you in my life. It’s amazing having someone who understands where I’m coming from and who sees the world the same way I do, but I think there’s a part of me that needs Leila.” His brows pulled together. “Does that make sense?”
I nodded, because it did. It made absolute sense. That was how I felt around Brian. We were so different, but those differences made us better. He made me laugh at myself when I got too cynical, he helped me take myself less seriously and look at the future and my dreams with humor when I got too anxious.
Whenever he was around it was like a gust of fresh air had just come in through the window, it was like the first day of spring, it was like…
It was like I started coming up with cheesy metaphors and got the urge to write terrible poetry.
“I think it’s great that Brian’s doing that for you too,” Julian continued. “He’s getting you out of your comfort zone just like Leila is doing for me.”
He kept talking but I was only half listening. That earlier unsettled feeling—that feeling which was definitely in the guilt family—it was back with a vengeance. Looking at my new maybe-relationship through Julian’s eyes, one thing was obvious. Brian had left his comfort zone. Hell, he’d vaulted into the land of discomfort when he’d let me talk him into staying in the play. He’d placed his faith in me and had poured his heart into learning how to be a better actor. He’d been trying to befriend the cast and crew and I knew as soon as he could actually commit to more rehearsals, he’d succeed. Because he was likeable like that, it was one of the reasons he’d had such an easy time becoming Mr. Popularity.
And me? What had I done lately? He’d asked me to go to a stupid football game and I hadn’t even said yes to that. He’d wanted me to get to know his friends and I’d balked. I shifted in my seat, not even able to pretend to be listening to Julian sing the praises of my new relationship.
“You all right?” he asked.
“Mmhmm.” I bit my lip and stared at the table. “Um, actually…not really.”
“Want to talk about it?” Julian asked.
I took a deep breath. “Yes. No.” I turned to give him an anguished look. “I don’t really know.�
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His laugh was nice, sympathetic and reassuring. “Come on, tell me what’s up and then maybe I can save you some of the stupid mistakes I’ve made with Leila.”
I let out a long breath and spilled it all. Well, not all of it. I still didn’t rehash that night at the movie theater. But I did give him our long history and how we basically broke up as friends back in junior high because he chose being popular over me.
“Mmm.” Julian made an annoying sound that reminded me of a therapist in the movies. It was incredibly not helpful. “And is that what you think he’ll do again?”
I stared at him for a minute. Did I think he’d do it again? He was already doing it! I shook my head in frustration. “He wants me to be someone I’m not,” I said. That was what I’d said back in junior high and it came back to me now. “He wants me to be popular and—”
“Does he?” Julian interrupted. “Because it sounds like he just wants you to support him. Maybe meet some of his friends.”
I frowned at Julian, wanting to argue, but I couldn’t. Hadn’t I just been feeling guilty about how I hadn’t met him in the middle?
“This whole popularity thing,” I said slowly, speaking as I sorted it out. “It sounds kind of stupid when I say it out loud.”
Julian looked at me for a second before tipping his head back with a laugh. “Sorry,” he said when he saw that I was decidedly not amused. “Don’t get me wrong, I get it. I really do. I think people like us are sensitive about it because we’re on the bottom of the totem pole, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s all kind of ridiculous.”
My lips curved up in a grudging smile. He had a point. In a year from now I’d be at college and so would Brian. Our world would no longer be restricted to the tiny fishbowl that was Briarwood High.
“I think the thing is, when Brian asked me to hang out with his friends and go to the game it reminded me of how things were between us when he first became popular.”
A Whole New League (Briarwood High Book 2) Page 11