No, your nipples can’t fall off—it just feels like it . . .
So you have these two things on your body (your nipples) that you typically handle with care. Then, all of a sudden, you treat them to the suction of a human vacuum cleaner over, and over, and over again. Not exactly a recipe for comfort. You definitely want to have ointment handy for when the inevitable soreness and chapping occurs, but here’s something else you can do: Get them ready. Just like an athlete going into training, you can start getting your girls prepared. I’ve known some moms who recommend using a loofah (gently) on their nipples in the weeks leading up to their due date. Other moms ask their partners to give the girls a lot of attention so they’re a little more accustomed to the workout they’re about to receive. Honestly? That sounds more fun than a scrub to me. Nothing is foolproof, but at least it’s something. And either way, I promise you they won’t fall off. Even if they bleed and you call the doctor thinking they are tearing off, they don’t.
It’s about nurturing . . .
Besides the sore nipples, I loved the time I spent breastfeeding my girls, and I was really lucky to have a pediatrician who supported me all the way. At a certain point, though, I wasn’t producing enough milk for my little ones, so I had to switch to bottle-feeding. And I didn’t beat myself up about it. When I was nursing and bottle-feeding, that time I spent nurturing my babies was beautiful, and I treasured every moment . . . even when I was half asleep. If you’re having trouble with breastfeeding, I definitely recommend getting some help from a qualified lactation consultant (your pediatrician can give you recommendations). I will never forget the lovely lady who came into my hospital room like a mighty warrior and said, “Come on, let’s get them ready.” As she wrapped her hands around my breast to help me get my milk going, I couldn’t help but smile. And as with everything, go with your gut and do what’s best for you and your baby.
The top baby items you really need . . . or at least I did . . .
Of course there are a million things to buy for a new baby, from the absolutely essential to the unnecessary. I definitely recommend a less-is-more approach. Don’t rush out and buy everything you can possibly think of right away. For the first few weeks, at least, you really don’t need much. Everyone has their own personal list of new-baby must-haves, and here’s mine:
1. Easy-access baby clothes—I wish I’d figured this out the first time, but it wasn’t until I had my second baby that I discovered the joy of two-piece outfits and shirts with snap fronts—especially for those middle-of-the-night diaper changes. This way, when you’re half-blind with exhaustion, you don’t have to bend little arms, or pull shirts over their heads (totally scary when you’re a new parent). It also means that if it’s just a dirty diaper, you can pull the pants down only as far as you need to, keeping the rest of your baby’s body warm and covered. Of course my favorite baby clothes are from the Little Seed. I love putting my kids in organics since clothes touch their skin all day and night, and some kids, like mine, are more sensitive than others.
2. Wipes, wipes, wipes—You can never have enough. Ever. In every room of the house, in the car, in your purse, in your diaper bag, everywhere.
3. Disposable diapers—God bless those parents who use cloth, but for us, disposables were key. The natural-looking chlorine-free diapers were in our house for a very long time.
4. Burp cloths—For all of the spitting up your baby will be doing, and wiping that you will be doing, burp cloths are great. Cloth diapers can be great to use as burp cloths.
5. Soft blankets—You can have several of these and use all of them. Great for swaddling.
6. Pacifiers—They work when you need them, and I had no problem weaning. Well, maybe a little bit.
7. Baby caps and socks—Hats for sunshine in LA and for warmth in colder climates.
8. A place for the baby to sleep—Some parents use a crib right away, some co-sleep, and some use a bassinette at the start. Whatever your preference, have an idea of what you want to do in your head before the baby is born. It will make it easier on you.
9. A place to put the baby down—Bouncy seats, swings, or a Pack ’n Play are great for this. It’s important to have a safe place to put your baby when you need to take a shower or get something to eat.
10. Nipple cream—Okay, this one is really for you, but happy nipples make a happy baby.
11. A breast pump—Most moms can’t live without them.
12. Diaper cream—Important for diaper rash, and a big must-have in our house.
13. A newborn kit—Including the booger sucker. There’s nothing like your baby’s first cold. The booger sucker has helped me many times.
14. Gripe water—A really great help on rough nights, if you have a colicky baby.
4
Ya Never Know
Question of the day: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
“I wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer, a nice ‘clean’ job to make my parents proud . . .”
—Amelie
“A children’s writer, a pastor, and Queen Elizabeth I.”
—Amy
“A pediatrician, I wanted to help kids. Then I found out how much school was needed. Never mind.”
—Joseph
“I remember wanting to be a nun til 6th grade; then Elvis’s costar.”
—Kathryn
“A mom :-) After that I wanted to save the world.”
—Marly
I can remember sitting around as a kid thinking about what kind of parent I would be someday. As I played with my newly adopted Cabbage Patch Kid, I just knew that one day I would have a baby exactly like my doll. I literally had an image in my head of a real-life Cabbage Patch baby. I had this view of myself as a free-spirited earth mother, flexible and loose, encouraging my kids to spread their wings and have amazing experiences.
I wasn’t completely wrong in predicting future me. I was absolutely correct about at least one thing: I always thought the most important thing I could teach my children would be to dream big. And I still believe that with all my heart.
My own mother embodied that kind of optimism. I gave her plenty to worry about when I was little, but her hopes for me never dimmed. I didn’t speak a word until I was three, and I know she had to deal with plenty of advice from people who thought there must be something seriously wrong with me. Then, on my third birthday, I spoke my first words: “Mom, how do you like my painting?” I can only imagine her relief at the time. But even years after that, I was still very shy outside of our family. Wherever we went I clung to my mother’s legs, or hid behind my big brother Meeno.
It’s interesting that a child as shy as I was would have been drawn to performing. But acting was a fantasy, an elaborate game of make-believe, and I loved everything about it. I tagged along with Meeno, who was a child actor himself, through back lots of studios, and soaked up everything from a safe viewing spot behind my mother’s skirt. When I asked her if I could start acting, I suppose she could have gently steered me away—how was a child who was too shy to speak going to open up and perform in front of strangers? But my mom doesn’t have a discouraging bone in her body, and I was a determined little kid. People always ask me what I’ll do if either of my girls decides they want to act. The answer is that if my girls are anything like I was back then, I won’t have any choice in the matter!
My mother, Sondra, and me when I was just a little baby
My mother, brother, and I were living in a little apartment in Los Feliz when I auditioned for the part of Punky Brewster. It was 1984. I was seven years old, and my brother Meeno was thirteen. I will never forget all of us sitting and reading the script together. I fell in love with Punky from the very first moment. She was such a vibrant, spunky character, full of life, heart, and fun. And I dreamed of playing her.
The day of the audition, my mother and I entered the NBC studio and slowly rose in the elevator so I could meet my fate. The doors opened on the floor of the casting director�
��s office and a little girl walked into the elevator with a smirk. “If you’re here to audition for Punky,” she said, “don’t bother. I just got the part.”
“Do you want to leave?” my mother asked me gently.
“No way,” I said. “I’m going in there.” The rest is history, and that moment of courage and dreaming big set the tone for my whole life.
My mother has always been an amazing parent. She was caring and constantly there for us, but she gave us the freedom to be who we were as individuals. Even if that meant making my Statue of Liberty Halloween costume out of tinfoil to be unique and within our budget, and letting me dress up and go to The Rocky Horror Picture Show at age eight. We ran through the grass in our bare feet, danced in the rain, and had chickens, bunny rabbits, and even a rescue horse named Butterscotch Freeway. We often slept outside. My childhood was magical. And it’s all due to my free-spirited mom, a woman who traveled the world, had adventures, and gave birth to her oldest child in a windmill.
Here I am back in the Punky days
With that kind of example, I just knew the kind of mom I’d be—loving yet easygoing, attentive yet laid-back, loose and always flexible. And that’s where my prediction of future me was just a little bit wrong. I’ve always taught my girls to dream big—always—and will continue to do so as they get older. But am I a laid-back hippie mom just like my own mother? Not as much as I had thought. Much to my shock, after going through a horrible case of reflux early on with Poet, I turned into a little bit of a crazy person—wipes were my constant friend. Shoes were removed at the door. Poet’s pacifier was washed right away if it fell to the floor. I never dreamed I’d be so protective! But it just goes to show: You never know what kind of parent you’ll be until you become one. Then the second kid comes along and you wipe the pacifier on your pants, and when they eat crayons you just figure they will poop it out. And that’s why I try not to judge other parents. We all have an idea of how we will handle the screaming kid, the kid who won’t eat, and the kid who won’t talk. People certainly judged my mom all those years when I hid behind her. But Mom knew best—she always does.
When I had my first child, a lot of my friends didn’t have kids yet. Now, in the last few years I’ve seen more of my friends go through the same things I did. They have their own ideas of what kind of parents they’ll be, and often they sound a lot like I did when I was imagining my own future. My best advice to new parents is not to put pressure on yourself to be some ideal of the perfect parent. Share your ideas with other parents, and learn from them, but don’t feel that there’s any single right way to be a great mom or dad. There’s a lot of judgment out there, and it can be really easy to get down on yourself as a result—or exhaust yourself trying to reach some unattainable goal. If you are happy, and your baby is thriving, then obviously you’re doing something right.
I like to think I’ve now found a middle place between the mom I imagined I would be and the mom I turned out to be in those early days of having my first child. My kids and I run in the grass with bare feet, we dance in the rain, and one of these days (or years) I’ll dress them up and take them to The Rocky Horror Picture Show. And when we get home, I can happily say that I will still ask them to wash their hands and take off their shoes before they go in their room.
S.P.S.
Looking in the mirror . . .
Write this down: Describe who you are as a parent—or, if you are pregnant, who you think you will be as a parent. Express the things that are really important to you and then revisit what you wrote down every once in a while. It is great to have a reminder of how we want to be and laugh at ourselves when we drift off. It is always good to look at ourselves in the mirror.
Holding on to the good stuff . . .
We can be so focused on the ways that we want to change when we become parents that sometimes we don’t focus as much as we should on the things that really should stay the same. Before you ever became a mom or dad, there were things that were important to you, in a truly essential way. Maybe it was being playful with your partner, taking care of yourself physically, or expressing who you are through something creative. These are the things that help define you as a person. One of the most difficult things as a new parent can be feeling a little lost, like you’re not sure who you are anymore. So make a list of who you were before you had kids. Now look at that list. Are you still that person? Have you lost anything really important along the way? How can you get it back? Share this list with your partner or a close friend. Help each other to hold on to the good stuff. Your kids will thank you for it.
Oh my God, I’m turning into my parents . . .
We’ve all had that moment when certain words come out of our mouths, and then we have this flashback to hearing our parents say the same exact thing to us. But it’s not always a bad thing to turn into our parents in some ways, right? Here are some amazing things that my parents taught me about parenting:• Encouragement—If I was passionate about something, then my mom and dad were behind me one hundred percent.
• Patience—I seriously cannot remember my mother ever raising her voice to me. How is that possible? Okay, maybe she raised her voice once or twice, but not very often at all. Such patience.
• Values—My parents separated when I was little, and neither of them had much money, so we learned that it’s the quality of time and not material things that are important. They also always spoke kindly of each other, which I really respected growing up.
My mom and dad cherry-picking on one of our awesome adventures
A little sentence to finish . . .
I know I’ve turned into my parents when I . . .
“Yell at my daughter to ‘CLEAN YOUR ROOM!’ ”
—Sheila
“Say ‘because I said so’ as if it was a real answer.”
—Kimberly
“Overly bundle up my children.”
—Collette
“Tell my kids school is for learning not socializing.”
—Nicole P.
5
Not-So-Traditional Traditions
Question of the day: What are your favorite family traditions?
“Pancakes on rainy days.”
—Amy
“We have a few good ones. Amelia and I have mommy-baby yoga every day. We also schedule Play-Doh time. But my favorite is dinner on Sunday night. My husband and I take our little ones to our closest friends’ house (they have a toddler too). We eat, parent talk, and enjoy the moments our little ones give us.”
—AnaLiesa
“Watching football together through the NFL season.”
—Annette
“My favorite family tradition isn’t a set tradition, but whenever we get a chance, we make a small fire in the firepit in our backyard and roast marshmallows and talk. Even though our kids are young, they enjoy this time outside at night, and we hope to continue to build on this as they grow.”
—JoyfulTxGal
“I love Christmastime and we have a bunch of good traditions surrounding it . . . cuddling up all together on Christmas Eve and reading ‘’Twas the Night Before Christmas’ right before we all go to bed. My mother cries every year reading it . . . Making a ton of cookies in the days leading up . . . Going to see a sappy movie on Christmas Day while the turkey is cooking and then my mom takes a nap.”
—Kelly F.
My mother always says that she sleeps best when the house is full. The holidays are her favorite time of the year, when the whole family is under one roof. I am the same way. I’m never happier than when the house is full of laughter and joy—the more packed, the better.
When I was growing up, my house was everyone’s home away from home. To this day, my friends remember eating my mother’s home cooking and her always full house. On any given night, our dinner table would be crowded with Meeno’s friends, my friends, and basically any kid in Hollywood who was in need of a home-cooked meal. Friends who were in town filming during the holidays were always invited
over along with neighbors and extended family. The house was often packed. There were nonstop games of pool, and at Christmas you would even find Danny O’Connor from House of Pain and my other rapper friends singing carols and roasting chestnuts on the front lawn. Every Christmas Eve was filled with adventures and friends coming in and out of our house at all hours.
My mom, Meeno, and me at the holidays
The holidays are my favorite time of year. I literally get excited six months beforehand. I try to conserve energy all year long so that I can light up the house at the holidays with a thousand twinkle lights everywhere. My husband shakes his head at how over the top with excitement I get about this time of year. So imagine my elation when we won Holiday House of the Year in our neighborhood.
It was a beautiful sunny day when I got the knock on the door. A person was standing with a bright smiley face as they shouted, “Miss, you have just won Holiday House of the Year.” I jumped up and down and almost peed in my pants, I was so happy! They asked for the spelling of my name, and just as I was about to give it to them, my husband jumped in and asked what in the world I was doing. “Honey, we won an award for Holiday House of the Year,” I replied, sounding like a five-year-old who had just won a golden ticket to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. My Jewish husband stared at me blankly before saying, “That’s great, how ‘eco’ of you, and I’m sure my temple will be thrilled.” And just like that, my crest had fallen. It wasn’t enough that I had decked out our house with lights, angels, reindeer, and a golden gate, but to top things off, now we were winning an award for it. I kept that award certificate on my mantel for a year. Now we happily celebrate both Christmas and Hanukkah, and my husband has the wonderful name of Hanaclaus, for the tall and handsome Jewish Santa that he is to us.
Happy Chaos Page 3