by Jill Cooper
It pained him to see her so afraid.
Jay went down on bended knee and was quick to untie her ropes. Karen watched them spiral away, but she was still frantic. Shaking her head back and forth. “She’s got a bomb! A bomb! She’s going to blow up everyone. We have to—.”
Eyes wide, Karen was in the cusp of a full on panic. Jay held her face with both his hands to steady her. “I have to get you out of here, Karen. Then we’ll call the cops. I promise. But we can’t do anything if we’re both trapped inside here, okay.”
Karen clawed at his jacket like a drowning woman desperate for help. “She could be back at any moment, Jay. Any moment. I deserve to…I deserve…”
Jay shook his head and grief swelled inside his heart.
“I lost you, didn’t I?” Karen’s breath labored as she fought of tears. “I lost everything. I’m so sorry. I’m so…”
He leaned in and kissed her. In part, to steady her and calm her nerves, but in part to forgive her. She hadn’t meant for any of this to happen. Jay was sorry he had been so hard on her, so tough. “You’ve been punishing yourself for over a year. It’s time to let it go, baby. Time to forgive yourself. Can you?”
Karen was wide eyed and her nose ran. “I don’t know.”
He couldn’t have asked for a more honest answer. Jay gripped her in his arms and hoisted her up. There wasn’t time for any more talking as he rushed her out of the library. They had to shield their eyes from the raging fire in the woods that soon might consume the library if the winds kept blustering the way they were.
Jay slipped Karen into the passenger seat before he called out. “Clyde!” He cupped his mouth and did it again. “Clyde!”
No answer. God…where was he?
He got into the pickup truck behind the steering wheel and took out his cell phone. No service. Jay tossed his phone down in rage. “We need the police.”
Karen tapped him on the shoulder and then pointed to the steering wheel. The key dangled from the ignition.
Clyde, you crafty son of a—
How could Jay just leave him?
“We need to get the police. Jay!” Karen shook his shoulder.
Jay snapped back to reality. She was right, but… How…. He’d get help. He’d pray to God that help would arrive in time.
Starting the car, Jay backed out of there as fast as he could, given the conditions of the storm. When he had enough room, he cranked the wheel to make a U-turn.
“Hang in there, Clyde.” Jay muttered to himself. “Hang in there.”
Chapter 29
Terri
I don’t know what was worse, the fire or Clyde. The shock and judgment on his face… I could feel it to my soul. Didn’t understand. He could never understand.
Of course that itty, bitty, dirty window would let me see fire outside.
All of this was for my baby. All of this was so I could find peace. Had to find peace. Had to get back to my baby.
I backed from the chaotic fire like it sought my soul. Set amongst the snow and trees, it was hypnotic.
Before it could call me closer, I hobbled as fast as I could back to the basement, but I had to stop frequently. The warmth that the fire promised was more tempting than I will ever be able to explain. Now that Clyde was there, my timeline had changed.
Would I be able to kill Karen before he reached me? Because there was no doubt in my mind that Clyde would try to stop me from finishing my mission.
The pain in my leg pierced me. I stopped outside the door, placing my hand on the brick. The roughness of the rock grounded me. I had to catch my breath. I had to bring back the control I had earlier, when the storm initially started.
Did I ever have true control? I had sure fooled myself into thinking so.
I swallowed, even my throat hurt. Would I ever be free from the pain? Would I always see my baby’s face when I closed my eyes?
I took a deep breath, Clyde would be behind me. He would be after me. He would want to stop me. Nothing else was certain in my life but Clyde. Clyde was constant.
Back inside, I pulled the door shut behind me. Locking the latch, I used the railing to get me back down to the basement. With my hand on the wall, I tried to shore up my reserves of energy.
Killing Karen had lost some of its appeal. I was tired. I didn’t want to do this anymore. Somehow, some way, my adrenaline had died down. Leaving me just an empty husk of a woman I’m not sure I recognized.
But kill Karen I would. Because starting something and then not finishing it? That wasn’t me. That’s not how I did things. Not before, not after.
Plus, how did I know that killing her wouldn’t release me? How did I know that her death wasn’t what I was waiting for? The peace I sought was here somewhere.
The door handle was warm, but not like a fire burned behind it. I open the door and glanced toward where Karen should be.
But she wasn’t there.
I gasped. Launching myself at the chair, I dragged myself into it. And then I leaned my head back as if to beseech somebody, anybody, for direction. What was I supposed to do if she wasn’t there? Everything was going to hell.
The small LED light on my detonator glowed red. As if beckoning me. Maybe this was the sign I was waiting for. Maybe this was the last tipping point before I blew Sandpoint to hell.
If Karen made it to the bridge, she might make it out of there. But if it was just her? She couldn’t be off library property. I could still take her out. I could take out the entire town.
Everything was catching up to me. When had I lost absolute control over everything? I’d planned for everything. Everything.
Even with the pain, even with the overwhelming knowledge that I was failing, I still couldn’t cry. I still couldn’t face what I’d seen and done. I still couldn’t acknowledge that maybe my justifications weren’t clear.
I rubbed my face.
The door creaked, a small burst of cool air warred with the warm basement. I closed my eyes and shook my head. “Clyde.”
“What are you doing, Terri?” His heavy snow coat rustled as he moved closer.
I bent down, grasping the detonator in my fingers. I turned the piece over to lay on my palm as I considered it. “Do you realize it took me six months to figure out how to make one of these boys? YouTube was very helpful. I just couldn’t figure out exactly how I wanted to do it. Plus,” I chuckled, opening my eyes and watching him as he sat on a stool just feet from me. “I wasn’t sure exactly how much C4 I would need.”
“How much for what?” He crossed his arms over his chest, not threatening me. But he was there for a reason. He was there to stop me.
I shrugged. “Does it matter? I want to blow Sandpoint up. I would think that’s obvious.”
My husband glanced around the room, taking in the barrels and the stacks of C4 I had lining the walls. “How have you kept all this down here without being found out?”
“Nobody comes down here anymore. Not without a reason.” Hadn’t I discovered that? Hadn’t I been able to wallow in my grief all by myself?
“Why do you think blowing it up from the library would do anything?” Clyde focused on me, his eyes piercing me in the dim light.
“The pipeline. It runs in the library. Or beside the basement, or something. Everything is kind of foggy right now.” I chuckled at my own joke. It wasn’t just foggy, it was blizzarding right then.
He cocked his head. “No. The pipeline runs around the Mayor’s house. Not here. The most you’re going to do is blow up this old building and maybe three or four around it. I don’t even think anybody’s around here. I think they’re all up at high school.”
Even after all these years, Clyde still didn’t realize he was the worst liar I’d ever met. His tell was he would look to the right and then up to the left and then focus on me. He’d always been like that.
But our calm tones had a soothing effect on my nerves. My panic waned. “I know you’re lying. I’m not going to fight you on it. I’m too tired. I th
ink I broke my leg. I’m not sure how to fix it.” Tears finally welled in my eyes. My husband. Who hadn’t really understood me since our baby died. Hadn’t really understood anything I had been going through since my baby died.
“You abandoned me. You let me deal with all of this myself.” I barely heard the mutter from myself. My lips barely moved. But I didn’t blame him. I blamed me. Maybe killing Karen wasn’t going to fix anything.
The red wire had slipped to the ground. I would need to fix it. Rather than meet my husband’s gaze, I fiddled with the wire.
All I had to do was connect it. Then push the button.
Then that aching knot in my stomach could go away.
Chapter 30
Clyde/Terri
I watched with a quiet horror as Terri slumped to the ground, fiddling with wires. Her fingers shook and there was a manic way in which she muttered to herself.
Why couldn’t I figure out how to get the wires to work? I’d practiced and practiced. Maybe it was because Clyde watched me.
She was lost. Trapped in some sort of personal prison.
“Terri,” I whispered softly. She was my wife, if I tried hard enough, I could reach her but inside I shook. Terrified of what she was doing. Of who she had become.
I had to keep my cool. I couldn’t let her destroy herself like this. “Terri.” I knelt beside her and gripped her hands. “You don’t have to do this.”
But I did. He just didn’t understand that. I needed to do it more than I needed to breathe in that moment. The evidence of my failure with Karen lay coiled at the base of my chair where she’d abandoned the rope I’d tied her with. Where she’d abandoned her guilt and absolved herself of justice. Who did that? I jerked my hand from his. Was he trying to take the detonator? Leave it to good ‘ole boy Clyde. I blinked back tears. “Why don’t you have to do this? Why isn’t this eating you up, too? How can you just move on?” There, I’d said it. Something that had kept me up at night. Something that ate at my insides.
“Move on?” Didn’t Terri know how bad her words could cut me? “I haven’t moved on!” I wanted to break eye contact with her, but I couldn’t. I was afraid if I did, I’d lose her forever. “I’ve been stuck in that night ever since. I lost you that night too, didn’t I?”
I shook my head, unable to breathe. A quiver broke across my lips, a quiver I’d been fighting forever. Biting down on it hard, I think I broke skin. “I don’t want to lose you, Terri. I want you back. With me, but your grief...all you did was push me away.”
I tried to touch her face, but the look in her eye...it was too much. Too much. Instead, without meaning to and without giving in, I sobbed. “I lost my son. I lost my son and now...we’ve been destroyed. Every good memory…”
But hadn’t I left him long ago? Hadn’t I abandoned what we were and what we had when I’d lost our child? Me. I’d lost us. When Sylvia had killed my child, hadn’t I abandoned what Clyde and I had been before? What we’d been during?
Hadn’t it been me? Engulfing sadness pushed out my resolve. Wasn’t I to blame? There was so much more he didn’t know. “I’m… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…maybe, if I’d done something different. Maybe if I’d watched her more, maybe I could’ve saved him. Maybe I could’ve known. I should’ve known.” And there it was. The true reason I was so angry. I tapped my finger on the wires of the detonator. I didn’t put the cover back on.
Not just yet.
The real reason I couldn’t find my peace.
Me.
The guilt was still eating her alive, even after all this time. It melted something inside of me to hear her pain finally, to see it in her face.
“Terri,” I shook my head and willed myself to speak, “it was never your fault. It was never on you. You...you were the victim.” My voice warbled. “As much as our baby boy was, so were you. It was never your fault.”
There was nothing Terri could’ve done. I wished I could make her see that. I wished she could see what I saw. A beautiful, tortured soul. Someone desperate to be forgiven, for the pain to be taken away.
I swiped at my surprisingly damp cheeks. I hadn’t cried with anyone else in a long time. I hadn’t been able to find that release. “Now what?” His words offered comfort, but not the kind I needed. I’d never be able to forgive myself. Not if he couldn’t forgive me. Not if he and I couldn’t get back to being Clyde and Terri. Or maybe not even then.
She was so close to being the woman I knew. The one I loved. The murders, the destruction, I couldn’t think about any of that now. I didn’t see a murderer, I saw my wife. Soft mornings, warm dinners. Laughter in the halls. How could that all be gone?
How?
“Come with me,” my voice didn’t beg her so much as my eyes. “Let’s put this behind us, find a way to heal through this. I know...it won’t be easy, but my life’s with you, Terri.
“We’ll find a way through, no matter what that means. Please…” my voice trailed off. “I love you, please don’t give up on us.”
I snorted. “You don’t know what I’ve done. You have no idea.” And I didn’t want to tell him. He couldn’t know. “You should go. I need to… I need to have some time. Or something.” The blizzarding storm would abate soon and I’d need to be gone, one way or the other. A life with the things I’d done didn't include a happy-ever-after. Unless it included a window with bars, too.
I placed my hands with ginger apprehension on her shoulders. “I know what you did. I found Sylvia. I know about Condran and I found the guy at the storage locker. I know...and it doesn’t change a damn thing about how I feel about you. It doesn’t change my heart, Terri.”
He didn’t pull me closer, but gave me the option. He let me choose. And I turned willingly, without hesitation into the strength and frame of his arms. My husband’s arms. My husband. For the first time in-I couldn’t name how long-I was a little closer to whole. A little closer to being the Terri before the death. His arms. His love.
She was in my arms again. I couldn’t remember the last time that had happened. Was it at our boy’s wake and funeral — or had it even been before that? I couldn’t remember, but it filled a hole in me that had grown so wide, I thought it’d swallow me, that I’d stumble and fall right into it.
I tucked my head down low into hers. Her hair was a mess, but I didn’t care. I stroked her arms through the heavy jacket she wore. This was where she belonged. This was where I belonged. If we weren’t together after losing so much, what was the point?
He knew about me. He knew. Then he knew that I didn’t have a chance staying there in Sandpoint. If he wanted to go with me, then he’d have to be willing to give it all up. But that wasn’t the most pressing thing on my mind. Not right then. Right then, my heart was fast trying to mend. Trying to help me survive in more ways than one.
I lifted my face to his, seeking his lips, seeking that combination of excitement and comfort. Could he really love me? The new me? Because I’d changed. I wasn’t her anymore. But I was…something. I curled my fingers tight, the plastic creaking in my hand.
She was desperate for love. A kiss. Did she really want me to kiss her? Slowly I met her, halfway, and our lips grazed each other. So much left unsaid.
And I felt it. That spark. That singular moment where Clyde and I found ourselves.
My arms gripped around her tight. We were complete. A unit again. Finally. Everything we once were was put back together.
The passion in our kiss consumed me and I lifted my hands to wrap into the bulky material of his coat.
I’d forgotten the detonator.
I’d forgotten how much death was in my hands. I’d counted on not knowing enough to keep me from making such a terrible mistake.
I kissed the top of her head and Terri snuggled close like we used to when watching a movie or laying around. “I want to be with you forever.” My voice was soft, loving. When was the last time I had spoken to her that way?
Maybe I was more to blame than I realized.
&
nbsp; Sirens broke through our reconciliation. We pulled back and stared into each other’s eyes. “If you know what I did, then you know this won’t end well.” I blinked back tears, caught up in remorse for what I’d sought after, for what I’d torn apart. “You still have time to go, Clyde. You can go, because I understand. I don’t want you hurt. If you leave, you can warn them. You can let me…go.” I sniffed, trying not to show my fear. Not to show that, for once, in this whole debacle, I could put someone else’s needs first.
That might have been the smart move. The safe move, but to let her go? To let her stand in this moment of time by herself? Hadn’t she stood alone long enough? Where was her husband when Terri really needed him?
My jaw bore down and grounded together. “I’m right where I want to be. I’m not leaving you, Terri. I won’t let you go.” I shook my head and tried to persuade my fears from taking root. “You won’t stand alone anymore.”
Did he know what that meant? I searched his face for any signs that he would change his mind.
I nodded. I understood. I knew. I placed my hand on top of hers.
I loved him. I loved our son. If there was justice, true justice, then I could push the button, and Clyde and I could find the peace we deserved. The sirens wailed closer.
Click.
I never thought it would end like this.
Buried inside of Terri, I hugged her tighter. Forever was coming up fast behind us.
I squeezed my eyes tight, breathing in Clyde’s faded cologne. Then opened my eyes as nothing happened. I’d never been more relieved in my failure than in that moment. Maybe I could do an insanity plea. Maybe we had a cha-
BOOM!
Epilogue