by Natalie Ann
“You just hadn’t had sex,” he finished for her.
“Right.” She opted for more honesty. “Maybe there was a deeper meaning to what I said about them not being you. Maybe deep down, I wasn’t as attracted to them as I am to you.”
His eyes just lit up and her heart started to pound some more. “They were too scrawny, weren’t they?”
Okay…she’d obviously said more than she really meant to in the heat of the moment. “I’m sure that is part of it.”
“I’ll stop embarrassing you. I’m honored I was your first. And I’m thrilled you have no regrets.”
“Would it bother you if I did?”
He sat up fast, pulling her up and looking her in the eyes. “Yes. It would bother me a great deal. I can’t go back and change it or stop it now, but I want you to tell me the truth if you have regrets. I’d do my best to alleviate any of them I could.”
She shouldn’t be surprised he said that, or that he reacted so swiftly.
“The last thing I’d do is lie to you. Lying doesn’t sit well with me. So no, no regrets, Cole. Nothing at all. Maybe this was meant to be, because I can’t believe I would have had a better first time with anyone but you.”
An hour later she was driving home and replaying the conversation in her head again. Cole seemed to settle back down and accept what she’d said. It was a good thing, because for that one moment he was looking pretty upset on top of being fierce. The thought that she would have done or said something to pile guilt or remorse on him didn’t sit well with her.
She parked her SUV and walked to the front door, then unlocked it and let herself in. The last thing she expected was to see her grandmother sitting on the couch watching TV.
“What are you still doing up? Are you okay?” Rene asked, concerned. It wasn’t really that late. Just past eleven, but later than her grandmother normally stayed up.
“You said you’d be home, and I wanted to be awake if you wanted to talk.”
“Why would I want to talk?” Rene asked, taking her jacket off and hanging it up. Doing anything to avoid eye contact with her grandmother.
“Oh sweetie, don’t be a fool. I know tonight was your first time with a man. That’s why I asked if you were coming home or not.”
There was no hiding anything from her grandmother and she didn’t know why she bothered to even try anymore. “How is it possible that you know that?”
“I just do. How are you feeling about it?”
“I’m not really comfortable talking about this with you,” Rene said. Talk about mortification. This was nothing compared to what she felt when she realized half the stuff she’d said to Cole.
“You can call Mallory if you’d like.”
“I don’t want to wake her. Besides, I don’t need to talk to anyone.”
“Sure you do. Mallory was all embarrassed after her first time with a man too, but I made her talk about it a bit and she was glad afterward. It’s not like I want details, Rene.”
“That’s good, because I sure the heck won’t be giving you any, Grandma!”
“Come sit down. Just tell me how you feel about it? Do you wish you waited?”
“I feel great.” And she did. Deep down she knew that. She wouldn’t have changed a thing about what happened tonight, or how it happened. “It was everything I hoped it’d be. Maybe even dreamed it to be, if you want to be honest.”
“Did you think Cole would have been your first?”
“How could I have ever thought that?” Rene asked, giggling. “I barely talked to him when I was kid. He wanted nothing to do with me back then. I’m still surprised he wants anything to do with me now.”
“Don’t sell yourself short.”
“I’m not,” Rene argued.
“You are. You always have. You have a lot to offer a man. Too many men haven’t taken you up on it, but you should be thankful for that. The best things come to those that wait.”
“I get that. It was great, and probably better than it would have been with someone else.”
“It means more to you now than it would have in the backseat of a car or some dorm room.”
Rene snorted. “I’m not sure I’d lose my virginity in the backseat of a car. That’s a bit awkward to move around in.”
“Don’t knock it until you try it.”
Rene stood up. “That’s it. Conversation over. Gosh, Grandma.” She paused and went to ask something, then stopped. “No, I don’t want to know. I’m going to bed. You should, too.” She leaned down and kissed her grandmother on the cheek. “Thanks for waiting up. I do feel better talking the tiny bit we did.”
“See. I always know best, even if you kids don’t think I do.”
***
“Cole!”
Cole sighed and pushed his chair back from the desk in his room, then made his way to the top of the stairs where his father’s loud voice was booming off the walls. Nothing new there. “Yes?”
“I’m leaving in a few minutes for mandatory overtime. What are your plans tonight?”
It was Friday night and he was finishing his homework before he went out with his friends. Rules were rules in his house, and he always followed the rules.
“I’m meeting up at Brad’s and then we’ll go shoot some hoops or something. Not sure. I’ll be home by ten,” he said.
He was never late for a curfew. He’d done that once, and the month stuck doing chores around the house and not being able to be with his friends was enough to make him never do it again. That, and the disappointing looks his father sent him for days.
“Make sure your mother has what she needs before you leave and that Celeste is settled for the night.”
Cole nodded his head and ignored the pain in his jaw from clenching his teeth. He didn’t need the lecture. He heard it all the time, since his father was always working and Cole was left home doing what needed to be done.
“Celeste is napping now, but I’ll check on her before I leave. I’ll make sure Mom doesn’t need anything either. I’ve got it covered, Dad.”
Tom McGuire clipped his badge to his belt and put his gun in the holster. “I’ll stop over on my break if I get a chance and see how everyone is doing.”
Say what you would about his father being a hard-ass, but he cared about the women in his life. Enough so he always made sure they were taken care of.
Cole was never neglected. He was never abused and was loved by his mother plenty. His father loved him too, in his own hard-outer-shell way. It’s just his father’s way wasn’t the same with him as it was with Celeste, or even his mother, and he’d learned to accept that a long time ago.
“I’ll be home by then, don’t worry.”
“See that you are. Stay out of trouble tonight.”
“I will,” Cole said, biting his tongue at the same words he always heard. He never got in trouble and didn’t understand why he always had to be told that.
Sometimes he just wanted to be like his friends. He just wanted to come home after school, hang out and goof off with little to no responsibility. He didn’t want to always have to make sure windows were locked up tight before he went to bed at night. Or that no pipes were leaking, the fireplace was out for the night…none of those things. Things his father should have been doing. But he couldn’t leave them for his mother, because she was pretty helpless at times. More like clueless. So he wouldn’t do that, either.
“Don’t give your father such a hard time,” his mother said when he turned the corner to go back into his room.
“I wasn’t,” he said.
“I saw you roll your eyes. He means well.”
“Did I say otherwise?” Cole asked as he turned away. He wasn’t mad at her, not really. “I’m going to go visit with Celeste in a few minutes, once I finish my homework.”
“Let her be. She’s sleeping soundly. She didn’t have a good day.”
“I know,” he said. He didn’t need to see her to know that. He knew because he felt what Celeste was going throug
h. The body aches, the nausea, the itchy skin, and every other side effect from the chemo. No, it wasn’t the same, but it was enough to eat a hole in the pit of his stomach.
And enough to make the shame tighten his throat over being annoyed by his lot in life, which was nothing compared to Celeste’s.
His mother reached out and gave him a hug. He wanted to pull out of her arms, but didn’t. Even at sixteen and uncomfortable with showing affection, he wouldn’t hurt his mother that way by not returning her hug. It didn’t seem to him she got them often from his father.
“Cole, sometimes we just have to accept what is and work with it.” He hated seeing the sympathy in her eyes, mixed with her own hurt feelings of rejection. “We can’t always have what we want. We just have to make the best of it.”
Cole sat up straight in bed shivering, hating the dream—more like a nightmare to him. He looked at the sun coming through his window. He didn’t often dream about his childhood or his father. Very rarely did he dream about his mother and the look in her eyes from back then, and he wondered what it could mean.
It’d been years since his father died. Almost a year prior to that, that he talked to him. His father had been known to hold a grudge when you didn’t agree with him, and after high school, Cole didn’t agree with his father often.
There was no way he’d get back to sleep now, so he swung his feet over the side of the bed, grabbed some clothes, and went into the bathroom to shower and get ready for the day.
A few hours later he pulled in front of the florist and made his purchase, then went to the store and made another.
“Cole, honey, what brings you by?” his mother asked when he opened the door.
“Happy Valentine’s Day.” He handed her a bouquet of flowers and gave her a kiss on the cheek. He couldn’t remember the last time someone bought something for his mother other than him and Celeste.
“What’s the occasion? I’m not sure you’ve ever done this before. Matter of fact, I’m not sure you’ve ever given flowers to any woman on Valentine’s Day before.”
“Nope. You’re my first. It’s never too late to be someone’s first, right?” he asked, and didn’t realize he’d phrased it just like that until the words were out of his mouth. He’d never had a girlfriend around this holiday before and didn’t realize it until this moment.
His mother tilted her head. “Come on in and let’s talk. Are you okay?”
“Of course I am.”
She smiled and he knew she didn’t believe it. “How are things going with Rene?”
There was no use asking how she knew. She knew everything that happened in Lake Placid eventually. Just like Celeste did.
“They’re going good. She cooked me dinner last night at my house.”
A knowing looked crossed her face again, one that made him feel a bit guilty and slightly embarrassed. He really hated that everyone was watching them so carefully. “Are you going to give her flowers, too?”
“Maybe,” he said with a crooked grin.
“You better. She’s a sweet girl. She’ll make someone a good wife someday.”
He sighed. He should have figured it would take a turn like this. “I’m not looking for a wife, Mom.”
“Cole,” she said, grabbing his arm and pulling him to the couch. “Sit and talk to me.”
“About what?” He didn’t like the look on her face right now. He should have never come here and was wondering what possessed him to.
“Not all marriages were like your father’s and mine. And you’re judging things from a child’s eyes.”
“I’m not comparing or judging anything.”
“You’re lying to us both with that statement. Every relationship has ups and downs, and you have to learn to adjust and accept what you can’t change. Your job and lifestyle isn’t conducive to a long-term relationship, but you shouldn’t shut out the possibility. You just haven’t found the right person, and I don’t think Rene is that person, either. If you decide to settle down, you’ll be better with a wife that doesn’t have a job, or one that is more flexible, like I was.”
Words he’d heard way too many times in life and he didn’t need them repeated. That there might not be someone out there that would put up with his schedule. Nor was he even thinking long term right now. “Do you have regrets?”
“Everyone has regrets, Cole. The key is to make sure you keep your list of regrets short.”
He’d left a few minutes later and made his way to Celeste’s, where he dropped off flowers for her and then stole a few cupcakes on his way out the door.
He found himself at the third door, this one being opened by Trixie Miller. “Hi. Is Rene here?”
“She is. She’s in front of the fire reading. Come on in, Cole.”
“These are for you,” he said, pushing a small bouquet of flowers in front of him. Then he left his boots at the door and hung up his jacket.
“Aren’t you just a sweet treat yourself today.”
He blushed. He didn’t know it was possible to blush, but somehow Trixie just made him do that. “I couldn’t only bring something to Rene, could I?”
“You could have and I wouldn’t have thought anything of it, but since you didn’t, why don’t I go make some coffee on a cold day like this. I’ll give you two some privacy.”
Cole made his way into the living room and saw Rene curled up on the couch, sweats on, big bunny slippers, a sweatshirt, and square thick glasses on her face. That was the Rene he remembered and, surprisingly, it was the one he wanted to give his first Valentine’s gift to. Being in a relationship, that is.
“Cole,” she said looking up, shocked. “What are you doing here?”
“Bringing you flowers,” he said, holding them up, “chocolate, and cupcakes.”
“Holy cow. You went all out,” she said, moving her feet to the floor and walking toward him. She only stumbled once over the big bunny ears. He found it endearing.
“The cupcakes are from Celeste’s. They’re better than the bag of Hershey kisses, but for some reason a bag of kisses made me think of you.”
“I would have never thought you had a romantic side.”
He didn’t know he did. He never tried to have one before, and really didn’t think this was romance either, but if she thought so, it worked for him.
“Me neither.” He sat next to her on the couch and pushed her glasses up on her nose for her. “You look like I’ve always remembered you.”
“I’d prefer people forgot this about me.”
“Why? There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s cute.”
“It’s a part of me I’d like to forget,” she said, wrinkling her nose.
“You can’t forget your past. Not when it’s part of you. Not when it’s a good part of things. Make do with what you have, but never forget.” He sounded like his mother now.
“What’s wrong with you?” she said, grinning. “Those sound like words that would come out of my mouth.”
“Maybe you’re rubbing off on me,” he said, leaning in and giving her a kiss on the lips. “Happy Valentine’s Day.”
“I’d like to think we’re rubbing off on each other.”
Rescue
“Are you sure it’s okay to stay tonight?”
Cole laughed at her and said, “Of course. Why would you think otherwise? It’s my house, who would have a problem with it?”
Typical of her to put her foot in her mouth again, but her nerves were racing. “You have to work tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow night. That’s a long time from now. More than twenty-four hours.”
She wrinkled her nose and followed him into the house, her overnight bag on her shoulder. When he’d stopped over earlier this morning with flowers and chocolate, she’d thought she’d die from embarrassment over the way she looked.
Previously, they’d made no plans for today, and she was okay with that. She didn’t need to be coddled or know where he was every moment just because they’d had sex. So after she woke, s
he took a nice hot bubble bath, soaking her achy body and relaxing, dreaming about how wonderful the night had been. If her hand roamed over some sensitive areas of her body a few times thinking of him, it was her little secret.
Then after her bath, she dressed in warm cozy clothing and grabbed her book. She was so engrossed in the story that she didn’t even know he’d knocked at the door. When he walked in and saw her dressed the way she was, she just wanted to crawl in a hole and die.
“Don’t you need to rest though? You said you nap before you go in on your first day.”
“You’re all adorable when you talk business. Maybe you can nap with me before you leave then.”
She blushed, there was no way around it. It was all uncharted territory to her. “If you’d like that.”
“I would. Rene,” he said, pulling her bag off her shoulder and setting it on the floor. “Relax now. I’m no different than I was yesterday. You don’t have to act all bashful around me. I sort of expected you to be looser now, not completely wound up tight.”
“Sorry. This is all new to me.”
She didn’t want to be clingy or needy, but she wasn’t exuding all sorts of confidence right now, either.
He laughed quickly and squeezed her sides with his hands. “I just want you to act like yourself. Like you’ve been doing for weeks,” he said.
“But you’ve seen me naked now. And we did some things that, thinking back, make me a bit embarrassed. Well not really, because I really liked what we did. Maybe it’s more that I’m surprised at the things I said and what you made me really feel. No, that isn’t it. I knew it would be good—”
He put his finger to her lips. “Stop rambling. Take a deep breath. Let it come on its own. Don’t force anything.”
“I’m not. I won’t.”
“Let’s bring your stuff upstairs now. You can put it away, or you can leave it here in case you change your mind and want to go home later.”
“I wouldn’t do that. I’m not a tease.”
He took a deep breath, blew it out and looked at the ceiling, then back to her. “No, you aren’t. I never said you were. I’m trying to let you call the shots here.”