by Thornton, EJ
"Why were you arrested?"
"DUI."
"First time?" Eric kept going.
"Yup."
"You married?"
"Used to be." Jeremi was playing it very close to the vest.
"Do you have someone now?"
"Maybe, I hope so.."
"Why maybe?"
"Because I messed up. We had a bad fight, a really bad fight."
"Fool around?" Eric asked through his full mouth. Jeremi nodded. "Yikes, that's a tough one. Is anyone pregnant?" Jeremi nodded again. "Which one?"
"Jeannie, the one I care about."
"So you'd go back to her, if she took you back?" Don asked.
"I guess."
"You just said you cared about her," Eric reminded him.
"I do and I care about the baby she's carrying, it's all just a trip." Jeremi paused and the questions ceased for the moment. "She's also got these two adorable little girls. I miss them, too." Jeremi's look grew sad and distant. Then he shook it off. "Whatever, I doubt if she'll ever speak to me again after all that's happened."
"Steps eight and nine will really help you sort that out, Jeremi," Don said.
"You need to get yourself better first, then worry about your relationships. because without sobriety, your relationships will fall apart anyway," Bill cautioned him.
"But there's things I want to tell her," Jeremi said.
"Then you know what you do?" Jeremi shook his head. "Write her a letter," Bill suggested. "An open and honest letter, get everything out you want to say. Get it out of your head and on to paper. Work on it for a few days, then after a few days are over, you'll be in a much better state of mind to make these decisions. You're barely dried-out. You need some time to sort it all out. Take it slow, so you stop hurting yourself and others."
"I'll try. I will really try."
Chapter 26
All this talk about Jeannie made me want to go check on her. George promised to stay close to Jeremi and call if he needed me. Claude said he would also back him up. So I left to find Jeannie. I caught up with her and Anne at the mall. They were out crib-shopping, like Pearl had said. Jeannie's eyes were red. I could tell she'd been crying quite a bit. Anne's face was pretty somber too. She cared about her friend very much.
Pearl and Robin welcomed me aboard. "They just bought the crib. They put it in the car already. She actually has a couple of dollars left," Pearl told me.
"How's she holding up?"
"I've heard the words, 'Why me?' a lot today," Pearl said. "She's trying to figure out how things got so far out of her control."
"I have just the ticket. See that curio's shop over there? Direct them in. I'll be waiting," I instructed Pearl and Robin.
I went into the shop and looked around. There was a specific message that I wanted to give Jeannie and I needed to find a way to give it to her. I went to a wall covered with delicately decorated, beautiful bookmarks. There was only one I wanted her to see, the one I just made for her.
As the girls got closer to the shop, I shined my angel light on it. As soon as Jeannie and Anne came in the store, Pearl and Robin shined their angel light on it, too. Both girls came over to the wall. It attracted them like a magnet. Anne scoured the other bookmarks along the wall, without picking a favorite, but Jeannie went straight for my bookmark and read it right away.
Jeannie sighed heavily. "I got my answer."
"Huh?" Anne still scoured the bookmarks and was only giving Jeannie a small portion of her attention.
"Why did we come in here?" Jeannie asked Anne.
"Because you wanted to."
"I know. But I've never been in this shop before. Suddenly, it was like it was the only shop in the mall. It was all I could see." Pearl pointed to herself proudly. "Then we come straight over to this wall." Anne turned to look at Jeannie, knowing there was more to this story. "And out of all these bookmarks on the wall, I really only saw one. So I picked it up." Anne opened her eyes wide in anticipation of the point. "And this is what I read." She showed the bookmark to Anne. Robin and Pearl smiled, as they read it for the first time.
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and release your need to understand. Proverbs."
"You just gave me chills," Anne said.
"Me, too," Jeannie replied. "I guess someone's trying to tell me something."
"So listen already." Anne attempted a Yiddish accent.
Pearl said, "Now stop asking 'Why me?' and start trusting that God is in control."
The look on Jeannie's face changed. She had a faint, peaceful smile. Ever so slight, but it was there. Anne chuckled at her a couple of times in the checkout line.
"So, is that all you're going to get?" Anne asked her.
"Was there something else in this store?" Jeannie joked.
Pearl, Robin and I laughed at that for the rest of the day.
I went with them back to the apartment. It took quite a while and it was quite entertaining to watch them put the crib together. All the women, living and angel, participated in the construction. It was classic. Pearl, Robin, Marie and Edwina helped provide some necessary comic relief during the construction effort. The ladies were fair as carpenters, but it got very interesting at times, especially when Lynne and Carole 'helped.' They eventually got the job done. When it was completed, Jeannie put some crib sheets on it and a bumper pad that had been given to her. The girls each offered a stuffed animal to put in the crib for the baby. Jeannie took the bookmark and hung it on the wall, right at eye-level in the hallway. Now every time she went down the hallway, she could see it, if she started to slide back down the path of doubt.
Jeannie and the baby were doing fine. It was time to return to Jeremi and George. I went back to the Hope Center. When I got there, they had barely finished dinner. It was time for the evening group session.
"Is he eating any better?" I asked when I arrived.
"A little," Claude answered. "It takes a couple of days."
Bill started the group session. "Today we talked a lot about the steps we're going to take to make ourselves better. Tonight we'll be talking about the promises that we're going to be making to ourselves. The first is that 'We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.' I think most of you can already taste that new freedom. You are going to control your life from now on. The days of your addiction controlling you are over."
There were a few murmurs in the group.
"Secondly, 'The past is the past and must be accepted as is. Denying the events of the past will only to deepen the wounds suffered in it.' The past will always be there and changing it is impossible. It needs to be seen as merely the path that you were on that led you here. For that, we should be grateful for it. What we choose to do from this moment on will be much more defining to your future than anything you did in your past up to this point."
Again the group quietly murmured, some talked to the ones closest to them.
"Three and four are 'We will comprehend the word serenity' and 'We will know peace.' These promises we will make to ourselves and we will keep them for ourselves. Our lives will be richer, more free, more serene and peaceful. Our lives will turn away from the pain of the addiction to the happiness that comes with sobriety."
The group's murmurs turned into enthusiasm. "Okay, let's talk about this. The first promise is that we are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. Does anyone have anything to add to this?" Bill asked.
Eric spoke up first. "I do feel freer than I've ever felt before. If you knew where I was just a week ago--my only thoughts were about booze. When was I going to get my next drink? I still think that, but I'm free from letting that control me. I can change my thoughts, and therefore change my life's experience. I call it my new freedom. I can think and concentrate on whatever I want and when, due to force of habit, the thought, 'Where is that next drink coming from' does cross my mind, I'm happy when I realize that that I have a choice and that choice is to live."
"That's very good," Bill said
. "Anyone else?" Nobody spoke up, so he continued. "The past is the past and must be accepted as is. Denying the events of the past will only to deepen the wounds suffered in it.' If we regret the path that got us here, we'll be doomed to repeat the lessons of it. We are who we are because we have done what we have done.
"I can embrace that I'm an alcoholic. I am a recovering alcoholic, and because of that, I am here helping you and countless like you. I shudder to think of my life continuing on the way it was going. I am happy that it took the abrupt left turn where it did and now I'm here and my life experiences help me do the job I now love doing. Whatever path you all set out on will be likewise altered. In my case, that was a very positive change. You must also make that choice, release your regrets, the past is the past, but come to the present and take your life on from this day forward, the only way we can, one day at a time."
A woman sobbed uncontrollably in the corner. Her angel tried to comfort her. Another angel appeared, she also wept and wiped the woman's tears away. The weeping angel simply repeated over and over again, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." A couple other members of the group, who were close to the woman, put their hands on her to comfort her.
When the woman's sobbing ceased, the weeping angel left. Then the woman spoke out angrily. "How can you say that? I have regrets. I have so many regrets, too many to count! It's because I was so busy drinking, that I missed the warning signs. If It's because I was so drunk, that I was such a lousy mother. I should've been there when she needed me, but I..." she sobbed. The group gathered in around her, when she looked up, she glared at Bill, "Of course, I have regrets, it hurts so much."
"What's happening?" I asked Claude.
"Her daughter committed suicide. The angel who appeared and disappeared, that was her daughter."
I tried to figure this out from the way it was playing out, but I was at a loss.
George took over the explanation from there. "The daughter wiped away the tears that were shed because of her selfishness. We all make it to the other side, Martin. Now that's she's an angel, because she committed suicide, she must wipe away every tear that was ever shed for her. In that way, she has a front row seat and witnesses every bit of agony caused by her selfish selfish action. Suicide is worse when you're on this side."
"Like the angel at the intersection," I said.
"Somewhat," George said. "This one is much harder because the suffering caused was intentional. She can never become a free angel until the last bit of suffering caused by her suicide has passed. In between tears that fall, they work to prevent other suicides. You've heard the stories. The record played on the radio, at exactly the right moment. The DJ saying he changed his mind at the last second, even so far as announcing another record, but playing the one that prevented the suicide instead. Things like that. They work desperately to prevent other people from causing the suffering they caused their families to suffer."
"That's heartbreaking," I said.
Both George and Claude agreed.
The woman was now venting at Bill. "How can you say we must release our regrets?"
Bill spoke very softly and reassuringly to her. "One of the hardest parts of the past to accept it as it is. Release all your 'what-iffing', changing it is impossible. Where we are is where we are. Your situation is particularly tragic, I know that. But trying to figure out which day you should've lived differently will change nothing. Even if you could've figured out the day, the time and place, where's the guarantee the outcome would have been any different? You've got to stop beating yourself up for your loss. You need to grieve and through your grieving, heal. We're all here to help you, if you'll let us."
She began to cry again and her weeping angel daughter appeared again. She disappeared again when the tears stopped.
A few more people shared tragic stories of the horrible happenings while they were drunk. Bill's messages were always the same. "Respect instead of regret the past. You must realize that you are who you are because of everything that's happened to you thus far. If there are things that are particularly bothersome, instead of regretting them, try to find a way to make amends for them."
Their assignment for the next morning session was to write down three things that they felt they should make amends for. Jeremi took that assignment very seriously. He only put down the names of the three people with whom he wanted to make amends: Jeannie, Glory and Peter.
That night back in the room, there was a great air of excitement from Don. His wife was going to pick him up the next afternoon. He could go home. The rest of his treatment could be as an outpatient because he'd done so well. The talk in the room was quite excited for most of the night. Even so, Tony came in and went straight to sleep. So Don and Jeremi whispered and kept the conversation going. Don was making plans on what to do with his life as soon as he was back with his wife.
"I'm going to make her a dinner fit for a queen," Don explained. "I love to cook, especially barbecue, so we'll be having the best steaks in town tomorrow night. Then I'll take her out, wherever she wants to go. I'll be so happy to be with her, I'll be thrilled to even go see one of those date movies. I'll just be watching her anyways. It's gonna be so great!"
Jeremi got a distant look in his eye when Don talked about the plans he had.
"Jeremi?" Don asked.
"What?"
"If you could do anything with Jeannie, what would you do?"
"I'd like to know that, too," I said.
"Well, if she'll take me back, the first thing I want to do is make sure she's all right. I'd hold her, just hold her, for as long as she'd let me. Then I'd tell her how sorry I was for all that happened. Then I'd just want to sit somewhere and talk about the baby and our future. I've picked out a name, if it's a boy," Jeremi told Don.
"What's the name?" Don asked.
"Well, I wanted to honor Dad and Sheila with the baby's name. So, I wrote down both names and rearranged the letters until I had something I liked."
"What was your father's name?"
"Martin," Jeremi answered. "So, I took letters from Sheila and Martin and came up with Marshal. With one 'l.'"
"That's nice," Don said. "It honors both people and yet it's his own name. I like that. Did Jeannie have any names picked out?"
"We never talked about it."
"Well, good luck; I hope she likes it. You guys will get back together. I just feel it."
"I hope so."
"You will."
The room quieted down after that. Jeremi drifted off to sleep first, then eventually Don did, too.
"So what are you going to do after the baby is born?" Claude asked George.
That question struck me as bizarre.
"Well, I presume I'll be given another charge and try to do as well with him as I have with Martin here." George smiled at me like a proud father.
"I thought you'd still be with us, for a while at least," I said to George.
"You'll be ready by the time the baby comes, then it'll be my time to go," George said confidently. Suddenly, I felt scared. What would it be like without George at my side?
"Relax, Martin; you'll be fine." Claude reassured me, too.
George, Claude, and I, kept watch all night long. We talked about the futures we felt we had and that Jeremi and Don were going to have.
As we talked, my mind drifted to the recent past. We were close to accomplishing the task at hand, getting Jeremi sober, but the players involved were sometimes surprising.always, like the spoiler, the cop, the crazy guy in pajamas The ones I would have chosen to get the job done would've been much different, if I were to script it. I was having trouble sorting that out.
True to form, George came into my thoughts and said simply, "It takes lemons to make lemonade."
I shook my head and tried to clear my thoughts, in an effort to comprehend what he said. "Lemons?"
"What's in lemonade, Martin?"
"Lemons."
"And?"
I thought for a moment. "Well, there's also
sugar and water."
"So how did Jeremi get here?"
"Well, Peter brought him here--"
"Sugar," George said.
"Because he was arrested--"
"Lemon."
"Because he was driving drunk--"
"Lemon."
"Because he and Jeannie had a fight over the spoiler," I finally finished.
"Jeannie is the sugar. Karla is both," George explained.
"What?" I asked, trying to comprehend how something could be both sugar and a lemon at the same time.
"For Jeannie she was a lemon, in that it shook the foundations of their relationship. But for Jeremi she was sugar, because their involvement shook the foundations of their relationship." I did my usual head tilt. So he added. "It was because their relationship was pushed like this, that we had all this drama. It's because we had all this drama, that Jeremi ended up here - this quickly."
"Okay, I get it, the ol' things happen for a reason." I pondered that for a moment, but I still wanted to know one thing. "So what's the water?" I asked.
"Time. Time is what it takes to bring it together. Some people's lemonade is sweet, lots of sugar, few lemons. Others, well, there're more lemons than sugar. Still others have some combination in between and the flavor changes, depending on the time it is in their lives."
"'All things work together for good for those that love the Lord,'" I said, quoting a favorite scripture.
George nodded at me. "The masterplan will always remain a mystery to us, Martin. We're only messengers - in the very literal sense, that is what 'angel' means. So sometimes we get just as many surprises as our charges. It helps us to learn and grow, too. We have more powers and get glimpses into things that are to come, but God holds all the lemons and all the sugar and doles them out at his discretion, but ultimately, they all make lemonade."
I had to agree. I now had a completely different perspective (and label) for the people and situations that had been involved in this struggle. Lemonade! How wonderful!
Chapter 27