by Rosie Howard
‘They’re keeping their options open,’ he said, setting his jaw with irritation. ‘They want it every which way. A couple of weeks ago all I would have wanted was a new lease from them. Now, I don’t think I’d take it if they paid me.’
‘Which I doubt they will,’ said Maddy. Then she relented. ‘Patrick, what you’re doing is amazing,’ she said. ‘I honestly don’t know if we can do it, but a community-owned pub and no houses sounds like a goal worth fighting for.’
‘And the first battle,’ he said, ‘is to persuade the Development Committee to refuse the planning application for the houses. With any luck the town council will turn it down flat, which they bleeding well should but you don’t want to make any assumptions; they’re a pretty dim lot. Also,’ he added, ‘there’s still time for comments before the Development Committee meeting, which is the one that really counts. So, we’ve got a lot of work to do.’
‘We certainly have,’ muttered Maddy, rubbing her painful leg wearily.
‘Ben’ll give us a hand.’
‘I dunno that he will …’ said Maddy. ‘He seems pretty busy. Anyway, talking about Ben and the pub, what do you know about his friendship with that Jonno McGrath?’
‘Friends, are they?’ mused Patrick. ‘Hmm. I don’t think I trust that Jonno. Mind you, I really don’t know him … They’ve been talking, you say?’
She nodded.
‘About all this?’
‘Think so.’
‘Hmm,’ said Patrick again. ‘Have they, indeed?’
He shook himself. ‘That said, I’ve been meaning to mention, your mother and I thoroughly approve of your seeing Ben.’
‘I’m sorry to disappoint you both,’ said Maddy, not missing the ‘your mother and I’ line, ‘but we’re not seeing each other. As a matter of fact, I haven’t seen Ben for days. He’s gone to ground.’
‘What’s the matter with you? Both of you? It’s a match made in heaven, I tell you.’
‘How long have you known him?’ said Maddy, changing tack.
‘A long time. Serena used to bring him in to the Arms as a young lad. Too young to drink, technically, but I’m not saying he didn’t end up with the odd pint … Mind you, he was in a bit too often once he came of age – doing all that ridiculous macho stuff, seeing how much he could drink without either falling over, starting a fight or generally making a prat of himself. Usually he ended up doing all three. He was a bit of a slow learner as it happens …’
‘He’s not like that now.’
‘No. Andrew’s death changed him. And his time in the army had an impact. He came back a man.’
‘So now you’re playing matchmaker – you and Mum?’
‘Absolutely.’
‘Talking of which, where is Mum?’
‘She’s out posting flyers through doors,’ he said, his eyes lighting up. ‘God, she’s a wonderful woman.’
‘Glad you approve,’ she said, giving him an appraising look. ‘Talking of all this “your mother and I” stuff,’ she added, carefully, ‘what exactly is going on between you and Mum?’
‘About what?’
‘You know perfectly well “what”! Are you – well – together?’
‘That’s the million-dollar question.’
‘It is a bit, isn’t it?’ said Maddy. ‘If you don’t know, then I’m sure I flipping don’t.’ She took a swig of tea and a deep breath.
‘Look,’ she said, ‘tell me about before,’ she went on. ‘When you knew her. You know, before I was born.’
‘I love you, Helen,’ came a voice.
‘Out of the mouths of babes,’ said Maddy, laughing. Pirate was hanging upside down off the top of the curtain, turning his head in that alarmingly flexible way, so he could see Maddy the right way up.
‘I love you, Helen,’ he said again, apparently keen to make his point.
‘So, clearly you’ve been talking,’ she pressed, giving Patrick a beady look. ‘If you wanted to keep it a secret you might have done it when Pirate wasn’t around.’
‘He’s got a gob on him, that bird,’ he complained, giving Pirate an exasperated look. ‘It’s not really my tale to tell.’
‘You were there, weren’t you?’ she said, determined to take no prisoners. ‘How is it “not your tale”?’ Plus she knew pressuring Patrick to spill the beans was going to be a darned sight easier than getting her mother to talk.
‘Okay, look,’ he said, spreading his hands in submission and sitting heavily at the table. ‘Helen came to work for me,’ he said. ‘It was summer time. An amazing summer … It seemed to go on for ever,’ he stared into space, misty-eyed.
‘Get on with it.’
‘Fine,’ snapped Patrick. ‘We had a “thing”. It was a serious “thing”, I hasten to add. Not just a casual shag – or at least it wasn’t from my point of view …’ He looked at his hands, curled around his mug of tea. ‘I probably shouldn’t have let it happen,’ he continued. ‘Helen was – is – about fifteen years younger than me. I was in my late thirties at the time …’ He smiled. ‘She mesmerised me. So beautiful, so clever, determined … God … When she made her mind up about something …’
Maddy softened. ‘Go on,’ she said, ‘what went wrong?’
‘I don’t really know,’ he admitted. ‘Not now – not even then … but I know it was my fault. I was so determined that it had to finish, for her sake. We argued, I remember. She called me a coward for ending it.’ He wiped his hand over his face and sighed. ‘I’ve gone over and over it a thousand times. I’ve had years, after all …’
‘Have you had a relationship with anyone since?’ she asked.
‘Of course I have, darling,’ he snapped. ‘I’m a human being, for goodness’ sake.’
‘Not recently, though.’
‘No,’ he admitted. ‘I haven’t wanted to. And even when I did – in the past – it was never anything like the thing I had with your mother. After a while, I accepted that I would never recapture that with another woman. I suppose that’s why I stopped trying.’
‘What did you argue about?’ pressed Maddy. ‘Go on, you must remember.’
He glanced up at her and then looked down again at his hands. ‘I started it deliberately,’ he said. ‘I was trying to push her away, and I succeeded.’
‘But why on earth would you?’ said Maddy. ‘You’ve just told me you loved her. Love her … What were you trying to achieve, exactly?’
‘I was trying to do the right thing.’
‘The right thing?’
Patrick leant back in his chair. ‘I don’t know … She was so fresh and young and full of promise. Me? I was a pub landlord. Not even my own pub. I was drinking too much, I’ll be the first to admit. Until your mother came along I was having a high old time picking up pretty girls – they seemed to be prepared to let me, goodness knows why – whenever they took my fancy. I was scared to change. I was no good for her.’
‘She loved you,’ said Maddy. It was a statement, but he waved it away.
‘She thought she did,’ he said. ‘She didn’t really, I could see that. She was just – I don’t know – infatuated. I knew if I pushed her away, she’d go off and fulfil her potential. Live her life. She’d be happier without me, meet someone her own age, get married, build a career. She was – is – so bright and determined, she could achieve anything she set her mind to. She didn’t need me holding her back.’
‘So you decided for her.’
‘It was the right thing,’ insisted Patrick, willing her to understand.
She could tell he didn’t believe his own words, though. Not any more.
‘How old was she?’
‘When she left?’
‘Yes.’
‘It was just a couple of weeks before her twenty-third birthday,’ he recalled. ‘The fourteenth of October was the last day I saw her. The last time I set eyes on her until a few weeks ago …’
There was no ignoring the next question. It was in the room with them, tangible, irrita
ting, like it was tugging on Maddy’s sleeve.
‘So, my birthday is …’
‘… the sixth of June,’ finished Patrick. ‘I know. I’ve thought about it a million times, since you came here to study.’
‘Were you … ?’ she swallowed. Paused. ‘I mean, you were definitely together … ?’
‘Of course, why?’
‘Because …’ she hesitated to hurt him. The words felt like lead weights, so reluctant was she to lift them to the light. ‘Because Mum told me – before I came to college here – that my father was a married man. Someone she was having an affair with, who was killed in a motorbike accident.’ She steeled herself to look at him.
To her amazement, he was shaking his head. Laughing in disbelief.
‘What, Mike?’ he said. ‘You must be kidding! He would never have cheated … and Helen – your mum – would never have cheated on me, either.’
Maddy blinked, as years of preconceptions shifted, like tectonic plates.
‘Mum lied?’
‘Looks like it,’ said Patrick gently.
‘How can you be so sure?’
‘I’ve never been surer of anything in my life. The only man Helen was sleeping with before she left Havenbury was me.’
She could so easily stop it here. Let him be.
‘So … are you my father?’ she said, staring at the floor.
It came out louder than she intended, ringing in the air, hanging there, almost visible among the dust motes, which were dancing in the low, autumn sun slanting through the window.
Even Pirate righted himself, sitting bolt upright on the curtain pole, and looking at the two of them with fierce interest.
As if her head weighed a tonne, she slowly looked up, and saw Patrick’s eyes fill with tears.
‘I can’t say,’ he replied in a whisper.
‘I think you bloody can,’ said Maddy, suddenly angry, ‘because I’m damned well asking and you owe me an answer.’
‘Of course,’ he said, holding out his hands towards her across the table. ‘You deserve an answer, and – well – perhaps, at long last, despite all my sins, so do I.’
Maddy reached towards him and he caught her hands, squeezing them fiercely with his own.
‘I can only tell you what I know, and’ – he swallowed – ‘what I hope …’
‘Okay,’ said Maddy, reluctantly withdrawing her hands to reach for the tissues. She handed one to Patrick and pulled out another to wipe her own eyes.
‘Shoot,’ she said, with a wobbly smile. ‘I’m listening.’
‘The first thing I have to make you understand … you have to know, Maddy,’ he looked at her desperately.
She nodded, reaching again for his hand, to comfort his distress. ‘What?’
‘I – didn’t – know,’ he said. ‘I didn’t know about you, because if I’d known …’ he clenched his fist, regaining control with difficulty. ‘She had every right to keep it secret,’ he said, ‘but if she’d told me, things might have been different.’
‘Do you think I look like you?’
He smiled. ‘Thankfully, you take after your mother,’ he said. ‘Look at us both. There’s nothing obvious, is there? If the question was who your mother is, though, there wouldn’t be any doubt … The main difference between you is your extra six inches in height. That could be from me. I’d like to think so.’ He gazed at her so proudly she cried even more.
‘When she called me after all those years to say you were coming here to study and that she wanted me to keep an eye on you – look after you … I did the maths, of course. I knew there was every chance … And then, when I first met you’ – he smiled – ‘you just blew me away, Maddy. So beautiful. So much like your mother … I could barely take my eyes off you. I felt so proud, even though I didn’t know …’
‘Surely you asked?’
‘I wasn’t entitled to. I made her leave, remember. Hurt her terribly. I gave up my right to be a father. I’d have done a rubbish job, anyway. I was a selfish, boozing, deluded idiot. And then,’ he smiled at the memory, ‘there she was, asking me to – in a sense – be a father to you, just a tiny bit, perhaps prove myself …’ His face darkened. ‘But …’
‘But,’ echoed Maddy sympathetically, ‘the thing happened.’
‘You were in my pub that night, for goodness’ sake. Right under my nose. Drinking with your mates …’
‘They weren’t my mates. Not really. Apart from Flora.’
‘No,’ he agreed. ‘God knows what actually happened and who did what, but they certainly didn’t look after you,’ he said. ‘And neither did I. When I heard …’ He wiped away a tear, blowing his nose gustily. ‘For heaven’s sake look at me! What a mess. I’ll tell you what, though, I’ve learnt how to cry over the years. Your mother would be impressed at that, at least. She called me a cold, unfeeling bastard before. But – of course – I let her down again, in the most horrific way possible, letting you be hurt …’
‘It wasn’t your fault.’
‘Helen thought it was,’ he said, remembering the terrible moment when he had to phone and give her the news. ‘And it was my fault,’ he added. ‘She was right. Again. She’s always right. She gave you to me – the most precious thing in her life – to look after and look what happened.’
Getting up, Maddy went around the table and leant down to hug him. Soon her tears were soaking into his shoulder as he clung to her with one arm and gently rubbed her back with the other.
‘So,’ he said shakily at last, ‘to answer your question … I devoutly hope that I am your father, and I strongly believe that I am. That said, it’s down to your mother to tell us both whether I am or not, and – now you know what I know – I think the time has come for you to ask, don’t you?’
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
The spotty youth in the printers dumped a sheaf of A3 paper on the counter as soon as he saw Maddy coming in through the door.
‘They’re ready? My God, you’re a lifesaver,’ exclaimed Maddy. ‘We’ve got to have them for the meeting on Friday.’
‘I know,’ he said, giving her a wry smile. ‘Talk about cutting it fine … Cup of tea?’ he offered, as she sat down at the little table to spread out the pages and take a forensically good look for any last-minute typos.
‘I wouldn’t say no,’ she said gratefully.
‘What’s your name?’ she said, as he returned with a steaming mug a couple of minutes later.
‘Freddie,’ he said. ‘And you’re Maddy. You don’t remember me, do you?’
Maddy took a sip while she took a shifty look at him.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she said. ‘I’m hopeless at this …’
‘You were in the third year when I started,’ he prompted. ‘I was doing graphic design. We didn’t mix much, obviously.’
‘Of course,’ said Maddy, striking her forehead. ‘How fantastic! And – so – presumably you’ve graduated …’
Freddie nodded.
‘And now …’ she tried to make it sound like a triumphant career move, ‘you’re working here! How fab.’
‘Yeah, well, it’s a start,’ he said, looking a little nervous at her enthusiasm. ‘I just wanted to say hello.’ He paused, looking at her as if he was gauging her reaction. ‘I was really sorry about the whole thing, with the … with that “accident” thing. I mean I would have said so at the time, but – you know – I didn’t know you and anyway, obviously, you left and all that.’
He had blushed to the roots of his ginger hair as he spoke, tugging awkwardly at his ear lobe. It worried Maddy that he might dislodge one of his many piercings so fiercely was he pulling at it. She instinctively reached towards him to take his hand away like a mother might do to a toddler picking its nose. Just in time she turned it into an unconvincing stretch.
‘So,’ she said, using every ounce of will to keep her body language and tone of voice relaxed. ‘Were you actually there? I mean, in the bar where we were? Or in the student halls later, perhaps?’ Sh
e tried not to look as if it mattered either way.
‘In the bar,’ he said, eager to prove his credentials. ‘I was there with some year-one graphic design students, because – you probably don’t remember – Patrick was doing a student night. It was a big bowl of chips with every round of drinks and free soft drinks for the drivers.’
‘I do remember,’ said Maddy fondly. Patrick was always doing that by the time she met him, far from the louche hard-drinking publican he described himself as before Maddy was born. Not content with fussing over Maddy when she was working, making her stop and eat supper, lending her his scarf to cycle home when it was cold, he was also a mother hen over the other students too. Rather than enticing them in with cheap alcohol, he was instead running promotions based on feeding them and keeping them safe.
‘So anyway,’ said Freddie, ‘we were there; we were being reasonably quiet, you wouldn’t have noticed us,’ he went on. ‘Although us graphic design students can be pretty wild, as you know,’ he joked, with a lopsided grin.
She grinned back but said nothing, not wanting to distract him from his memories of a night where her own were in short supply.
‘Tell me …’ she said. ‘Everything …’
‘Okay,’ he glanced at her for reassurance and continued. ‘So, like I said, it was me and some mates … we were at the table next to yours. In the little annexe place at the back? You know.’
She nodded.
‘Of course,’ he apologised. ‘You were there … Anyhow, your lot were playing that drinking game that was all the rage at the time. The one with the penny. It’s impossible, but that’s just an excuse, obviously. You were …’
‘Go on.’
‘You were completely out of it, weren’t you?’
‘I was.’
‘It was like …’ Freddie went on, gaining confidence, ‘it was like they were ganging up on you a bit. They were egging you on. I didn’t like it. That Kevin bloke was there, I remember. He works in the pub.’
‘He doesn’t now … Never mind, go on.’
‘Okay, so you know who was there, anyhow. It was Kevin and his mate, and then some of the others from your year that I don’t know the names of. Although Flora was there too, wasn’t she? I know her,’ he said, blushing again.