by Emily Snow
It was official: today was the day my father would know I was a man.
It would be bittersweet. My friend Josh was already away at college. My older sister Lisa was finishing up her medical degree. Megan, the middle child, had moved out to travel the world with the love of her life. I needed to do something, so I set my sights on a career with the United States Navy. I’d not only gain hands-on experience but also have the opportunity to take classes online so that I could, as my father often said, “make something of myself”.
Dad was a Navy Nuke and a Senior Chief Petty Officer. You needed a set of stones to handle a job like that. If I was honest, I’d have to admit that I wasn’t sure if I had what it would take. How could I ever step out of the shadows of my father’s prestigious Naval career?
After the ceremony, it was time to soak in the pride I hoped would be coming from my parents. “Well . . . it looks like this is it,” I said to my folks. I couldn’t look them in the eyes as I struggled not to show any emotions. It felt like a million ants had set loose inside my body. Every part of me tingled in nervous anticipation. The long awaited day had finally arrived. Today was my Pass-In Review. I graduated boot camp and was heading to Great Lakes for the next step in my Naval career.
“All right. Keep your head down and stay out of trouble. We’ll see you again soon, son,” dad said as he gave me a hard pat between my shoulder blades before turning and walking away.
“Ryder.” My name sounded shaky as she said it, despite her effort at being brave.
“It’s okay, Mom.” I pulled her in for a hug. She was short enough that my chin actually rested on top of her head. “I love you so much.”
“Your father and I are so proud of you,” she said, and I gave her another squeeze to thank her for those words.
Even though I was nineteen, it was nice to hear that I had made them proud. I only wished my father voiced that to me. Growing up, dad took care of the things we needed when he was home, but there was never the emotional connection my sisters and I had with mom. When dad had a heart-to-heart conversation, it was usually part of a punishment for something. After I graduated, I had high hopes of getting that recognition from him. If he were ever to take pride in my accomplishments, today should’ve been that day.
“Do your mother a favor and walk me to the car,” she said. I could tell she was up to something. We got to the old blue Sedan and I immediately opened the door for her. When she tucked her skirt in and settled the seatbelt over her shoulder, I shut the door. “Colin,” she said. “You have any wisdom you’d like to share with our son before he leaves?”
I didn’t have to see her face to know she had that left brow arched in my father’s direction. If I didn’t know any better, I would swear he didn’t hear her. He sat in his seat with the same stoic expression on his face that I had grown to love and hate in equal measures over the years. It was like he was devoid of all emotion.
It didn’t matter what I did or said; there were just some things he would never say. I leaned in the passenger window to give my mother a kiss goodbye. “Be safe,” she whispered through her tears.
“Yes, ma’am, I will. You know me, mom.” I gave her a weak smile. It seemed I was always the child she worried about.
“See you later, son,” was all my dad said, still looking straight ahead into the distance. He was a stubborn man at times, but I respected the crap out of him.
I wasn’t paying close enough attention. Before I knew it, he started the car and pulled forward, running over my right foot before I had a chance to get it out of the way.
“Shit!” My body winced. It stung, that was a good indication nothing was broke. I leaned down to wipe the marks off my no-longer-pristinely-polished black shoes.
The tires screeched to a halt as the car door opened and my father walked calmly over to me.
“I’m so sorry. Are you okay?” dad asked, then pulled me in for a hug. It startled me so much that I didn’t know for sure how the hell I was supposed to react to it.
“Yes, sir. I’m fine.”
When he pulled away, I saw real tears in his eyes. I only saw my dad cry one other time in my life: when we got the call that grandma died.
“God damn it, kid. I don’t know what I would have done with myself if I had hurt you.”
“He’s just nervous. He wasn’t expecting you to leave us this soon,” mom said sweetly, rubbing my father’s arm. I was so taken by my father’s display of regret that I didn’t notice my mother joining us.
“You know what? Why don’t we take another day or two and I can show you around the town? I don’t officially start for another week.”
After I spoke the words, my mother immediately grabbed me for another hug. My father, ever the collected individual, stopped and looked me dead in the eyes. I worried for a moment that he would see this concession as some weakness on my part—the hesitation that proved I wasn’t ready to be the man the Navy would mold me into.
“If you’re sure that’s what you want,” he said.
“Yes, sir. It is,” I said with a smile.
“Well,” he said dramatically, then cleared his throat. “Get in the damn car then.”
I picked my bag up from where I had laid it and tossed it into the back seat, then slid in beside it. Maybe things were going to change.
Once inside, I couldn’t help but notice a glance or two my father made in my direction. Our eyes met for a moment in the rearview mirror. He stayed aloof and merely nodded at me. I took that small gesture for what I needed it to be. A sense of pride filled my watery eyes. My heart swelled, and I swear it doubled in size. Mom was right. I had made him proud.
Chapter 1
It’s true what they say about everyone being nervous their first time. It was the first day of my maiden voyage on the USS George Bancroft, SSBN 643. Boot camp behind me, I felt adequately prepared for everything the Navy would throw at me. My prior successes made me an overly-cocky son of a bitch. I had more in common with my dad than I cared to admit.
So many of my peers had no idea what they wanted to do with their lives after high school graduation. I had my goals mapped out in front of me for as long as I could remember. I was pleasantly surprised when Chief Delaney came to make introductions.
I stood respectfully and waited for him to introduce me. “And this is Petty Officer Pierson.”
When the men dispersed, I took the opportunity to seek him out. “You may not remember me Chief Delaney, but you were my recruiter, sir.”
“Oh, Pierson.” He read the name on my uniform aloud. “I’ll be keeping my eye on you.”
“Thank you, Chief Delaney, sir,” I said, then shook his hand before he left. I didn’t often believe in signs, but I took the fact that he was my boat chief as a good one.
Even though I had just been introduced as Petty Officer Pierson, all the senior guys referred to me as a Non-Useful Body, or NUB. I hated it. The word rhymed with boob. It was meant to keep all the newly enlisted knocked down a peg or two. These guys didn’t know us or what we were capable of.
No one cared about the group of us that passed boot camp. All of us first-timers had to earn the others’ respect before we gained entrance into the senior group. I had my plan set for making my place with the men on my crew. People that don’t have military experience sometimes have a hard time relating to what makes an unlikely group of misfits tightly clench together like a fist. The members of your crew are more than just the people you go to work with each day and go back home; we are family. In the time that we spent together, we got to know each other on a first-name basis, but still respecting the ranks though. Picture the chief of the submarine as the father, head of the family. The new crew members are the son-in-law; he may say that he wants to be a part of the family and is in love with the man’s daughter, but usually the father holds back welcoming him into the fold until he has proven himself. Then, I would become part of the huge family and there would be no secrets between us. I had to find a way in my spar
e time to get all my qualifications done in classes. I had to learn how all the different systems on the ship worked. I needed to learn safety so that I could protect myself and the members of my new family from fire, flooding, and poisoning in the air. It was easy to handle an emergency when you were topside. When you submerged to the depths below where you have no one to reach out to, that’s where the training became a matter of life and death. If I could prove myself to be a good, reliable member of the crew, I would be qualified. Not only would I gain the respect of my crew, I would be awarded the Navy’s submarine pin known as ‘dolphins’. After the Chief pinned them on me, I would be welcomed with open arms into the family. No more an in-law, but a son. This was one family I needed to fit into.
My first underway wasn’t quite what I had expected either. It wasn’t the missing of someone so much as coming to terms with the finality of my situation. You would think with the tight space and about a hundred or so bodies that it would be chaotic. It wasn’t. Things were pretty streamlined. Everyone moved with purpose. They had something to do or somewhere to be.
I was still working on getting my sea legs when I had the ever loving shit scared out of me. “Dive! Dive! Dive!” Those words blared over the intercom system. I made my way through the hull of the sub as the word flashed in my head like a red siren. It was amazing how a four-letter one-syllable word could send a shiver of fear down my spine. This was it. I never really gave much thought to death. Sure, it was part of the circle of life. I knew there would be a time when my days here would be over. At twenty, that day seemed to be too far off in the future to even consider. “Prepare the ship to go to test depth!” the voice blared.
When we reached about three hundred feet, things changed. Many people have an aversion to the sound of nails on chalk board; I had that reaction, except it was to the sound of metal. As we dove further and further down, you could hear each crack the hull of the ship made as it yielded under the pressure. Fuck. This ship was thirty years old. What was I doing here? If this didn’t hold, then I’d be locked in the underwater casket until someone came across us. Although, the chances of that were slim to none.
“Looking a little green there, eh, NUB?” a guy I met earlier named Missouri chided me. I couldn’t help but be scared. There was a string that was tied tightly to the inner compartment of the sub by some of the old-timers just before we left port. I looked over. The hull was so compressed the string now hung limply. My mind raced and wondered if the ribs of the frame would hold up. Now I was scared shitless, and with good reason, too. If I were going to call myself a submariner, I needed to suck it up and move forward with my plans.
***
When the chief sought me out later that day, I felt honored. “Petty Officer Pierson, can you go down to supply and get some grease for the relative bearing we need to install? I don’t want to hold up maintenance, especially since we’re already underway. Do you think you can handle that?”
“Yes, Chief!” I said and smiled with great enthusiasm. Here I was, already handpicked for an important task. It made me feel like the biggest cock on the walk.
I ran like a madman, still getting my feel of where everything was on the ship. I hustled all the way down to the see the supply chief.
“Chief sent me here to get some relative bearings grease,” I said with a smile.
He gave me a scowl in return. “Damn it, I just gave the last batch to the A Gangers in the Engine Room this morning. Maybe he’ll have some left.”
Once again, I hurried and made it down to the oxygen generators, only to find that they used their supply up this morning. When they suggested I check in the torpedo room, the light finally came on in my head. “There is no such fucking thing as relative bearing grease, is there?”
He belted out a full-belly laugh. “No, NUB. There isn’t.”
My pride was hurt, knowing I just got my balls busted by the chief and soon everyone in the crew would hear about it. Feelings aside, Chief gave me an order, and I needed to report back. When I found him, I respectfully said, “There’s no such thing as relative bearing grease, Chief.”
He smiled and dismissed me. I soon learned that all the members of my crew had a penchant for pranks, especially when things were slow. Instead of getting my feelings hurt, I got in on a few myself. After all, that is the way family works.
Chapter 2
I grew up a lot in the first two weeks at sea. The most important lesson I learned was not to take myself so seriously. I bonded with Missouri and the misfits that hung around him. He, in turn, introduced me to two other fellow E3’s right out of boot camp. Chad McNeilly, whom everyone called Neil. No one called him by his first name and nobody seemed to question it. The final member of our motley crew was Dana Christy, who went by Elmo. He got the nickname because apparently he is hung like an “elmofunt”, his own unusual take on the word elephant. Or so he says. I have no desire to confirm that information.
When there were off-duty periods, most of the guys watched movies or pined away over those they left behind. When I wasn’t working my ass off to get my qualifications, the men would share stories of previous trips or talk about what was going on in their lives. I didn’t share much. It was great listening to all the things the others had to say, but that wasn’t for me. I didn’t just share what I was thinking or feeling. If I had a problem I figured it out —or suck it up and deal.
A time or two, the guys chided me for being so quiet. Anytime they would ask me questions, I’d answer them. Having that feeling of close friendship was nice. I was raised in a house of women. Dad was away a lot. As a matter of fact, he missed being there for my birth. Our introductions to each other came when I was three months old.
I didn’t envy my father or any of the guys I was with that juggled family life outside of the Navy. Yes, I knew it was possible and that members of the various military groups did it all the time. I was just lucky I didn’t have to move around from place to place like some did. However, I lacked having a full-time father. I was always an avid reader; my mom made certain of that. So I delved more and more into books. I was fascinated with the way things worked and developed a love for engineering.
Don’t get me wrong; I didn’t have a sad childhood. My life was pretty good. I was just content being a loner, which was hard when you’re in a vessel underwater with over a hundred other men. Little did I know, that would soon change.
***
I had finally passed everything and earned my Dolphins during our second time out to sea. I couldn’t wait for us to get above water so I could go out to celebrate this achievement in style. I turned twenty-one during that four-month patrol, too. I had already learned that lesson in humility, after getting pranked by Chief; yet if anyone ever questioned it, I made sure I had the knowledge to back it up.
When the day finally arrived to disembark, everyone on the boat was antsy. They had plans of somewhere they wanted to go or people they wanted to see. For me, I was just happy to have my dumb ass above ground, breathing in fresh air for a while.
“I waited too long for this liberty,” Neil said. “I want to go to a bar and get good and drunk. How about you guys?”
Elmo spoke up next. “I need to have my wick dipped into something warm and wet.” Shocker there; Elmo always thought with his dick. I was impressed that he was the smartest person on the crew. He happened to have a photographic memory that gave him the advantage.
“Sounds good. You can be my wingman, Elmo,” Missouri said. I tagged along with them as we made our way down the pier and headed off to town.
“Just make sure you send some my way this time, Missouri,” Elmo joked back.
“Oh, and we got a present for you,” Missouri added to me, placing a condom in my open palm.
“Gee, thanks guys,” I said, and tucked it into my wallet.
“You want to head to the bar with us, Ryder?” Missouri asked.
I knew what the day and majority of our leave would entail if I followed them. They would mak
e a tour of every bar in the city looking for something to quench their thirsts. It felt good to finally be out of that tin can, and the last thing I wanted was to end up cooped up in a small room with Missouri or any of the other guys with their female company.
“Naw, I’m good, Missouri. See you back at the boat.”
Now that we were back and in dry dock, we had to make repairs and get things ready for the next crew who would take her out. The last time I talked to my folks, I could hear the sound of disappointment in my mother’s voice when I let her know I wouldn’t be home for another holiday because we had an unexpected run. Missing the holiday meant that I also missed mom’s birthday. I wanted to do something special for her. I had remembered reading that her favorite author was going to sign books today.
I didn’t know exactly how far the bookstore was from the pier. Sure, I could have taken a taxi or looked for some form of public transportation, but instead I decided to walk. I pulled out my phone and checked the address on the maps. It looked like the bookstore was just a mile and a half down the road. The sky was slightly overcast, but the air didn’t smell like rain was on the way, and it felt good to finally be able to walk around and take in the sights. As I walked down the dirt path that ran even with the paved road, several cars slowed down as they passed by. I knew when people saw a man in uniform that they felt it was their patriotic duty to offer help. For me, I enjoyed the peace of mind, being separated from everyone just to have time to rejuvenate.
“Hey, son, do you need a ride somewhere?” an older man asked from the driver’s side of his car.
“No thank you, sir, I’m fine. Thanks for asking, though.”
It wasn’t another five minutes that went by when I heard the sound of someone laying on the horn. I turned around to find a white Mustang convertible filled with a group of what seemed to be college-aged girls. “Hey there, you want to get in and let us give you a ride, or we could meet up with some of your friends and go somewhere,” A perky blonde leaned out the window to get my attention.