by Emily Snow
“If I had something that sweet wanting to put up with my dumb ass, I’d be thankful for her every damn day,” Elmo said.
“If I had her and you had a feather in your ass, we’d both be tickled shitless,” Missouri said with a laugh, but I wasn’t in a laughing mood.
“Fuck off,” I said to him with a growl, completely forgetting that he was my senior.
He wasn’t going to take my shit, and immediately put me in check with a tight grip on my arm.
“I don’t know what crawled up your ass today, but you need to straighten yourself out.” His tone told me that he meant business.
“I’m sorry, man.” I apologized.
“You have plenty of time before you have to be here. Why don’t you go out there and talk to her instead of sitting in here doing whatever it is you’re doing,” Missouri suggested.
“Very funny, man. She didn’t come to say goodbye.”
I held up my phone and showed him the text. Missouri stroked the hair of his moustache.
“Funny. I passed her on my way in. Why don’t you go take a look for yourself then?” he said and folded his arms over his chest.
Please let her be there were the words chanted over and over in my head
My feet took off running taking the stairs two at a time all the way up to the main deck. .
As I stepped through the hatch, I felt numb, what if she was gone. Relax Ryder, Kay will be there. Taking a steady breath, until I made it to the side. There she stood waiting for me.
“Kay. Kay!” I shouted and waved to get her attention. When she saw me, her face beamed. I headed down the ramp, pushing my way past those trying to board. “I got your text,” I said when I finally reached her. “I thought a rift had grown between us.”
“I got dressed up and wore the dress for you, silly.”
“I thought you were mad. You didn’t say it last night. We said goodbye and you didn’t say it to me.”
“I know,” she said with a whisper.
“What kind of game is that?” I asked, my tone harsher than I meant.
“I’m not playing games. I just …”
She looked frazzled. I didn’t have time for another argument or guilt trip, if that’s what the whole “I’m not able to make it” was about. So instead of waiting for her to explain, I got defensive.
“Look, I don’t have time to try to make you feel better about things. I have to keep my head in the game. My life and the life of the crew depend on all of us working together.”
“If you’d quit being an ass long enough to let me explain. First of all, I sent the text because we had a bad case come into the ER. Janet saw me and relieved me so I could see you off. She knew how important that was. Second, I’ve been on the verge of tears knowing that when I said that, it was going to be the last time I said it for a long time. As much as I know you needed to hear it, I couldn’t say it then. But I’m here to say it now. I love you, Ryder. I’ll be waiting here for you when you get back.”
I grabbed my girl and hugged her tight. I gave her a quick kiss before I had to get back to it.
***
Now that I was qualified, I had more tasks to perform. Eighteen-hour days were a bitch. I was on standing watch for six hours, then there was six hours of maintenance, and finally six hours of emergency drills.
By month two into our deployment, I was exhausted. All of the guys were. I tried my best and pushed through it for a while.
I lay in my rack looking up at the picture of her I clipped to the springs. She was beautiful. I closed my eyes and pictured her. Yes, she was beautiful, and that was what piqued my interest. But there was so much more to her. I loved that I could read her and know what she felt from the way she played with her hair when we talked, or how she looked away when I caught her gaze. Most of all, I loved the way she made me feel about myself. In a short amount of time, she made such a huge difference to me. She was unlike any other woman I had been with or known. Nothing I did before her was special or serious. I made my way around not with the intention of breaking hearts, but not wanting anything long term. Then Kay walked into my life, and changed it all. When I considered my future, she was a part of it.
I thought about the last day we spent together. My heavy eyes closed, letting my memory take me back to a better time and place when I was with her on the beach. We lay there, and I read to her as she laid her head in my lap.
I felt myself getting more and more exasperated. I was in the bottom depths of hell. Torturing myself about my failed moment on the pier. I was a coward for not manning up and telling her how I felt. I found myself talking about her every chance I got with Missouri and Elmo.
Of course, the guys gave me unsolicited advice, but it was needed. I needed to fish or cut bait.
We both knew that there would be times when due to my duties, we wouldn’t have a life like normal couples. Hell, what’s normal these days anyway? I didn’t know how to describe the way I felt, let alone give an explanation to someone else. The only thing that made sense was for me to do right by her.
I needed to tell Kay that I loved her.
Something about her that just made sense. We fit together really well and I’m not just talking about the way we lined up in bed. But if I had to admit, that was pretty damn perfect too.
I don’t know how it happened. I went from being Mr. No Attachments to falling head over heels for Kay.
I felt myself falling into a dark abyss. I wanted to be with her, to hold her, touch her, and hear her say my name. My nerves were ready to unhinge; I wanted her more than anything else I had ever wanted in my life, and I knew what would happen.
A submarine is a solid machine built to stay underwater, but they are also able to sink. That’s what I was doing … I was sinking hard and fast. Once I found my way to the bottom, I knew there would be no resurfacing. She needed to know that was how I felt without her.
Although I didn’t have a way with words, I had the next month to come up with something.
It was time to go back on-watch again. I swear I felt punch-drunk. I was down in the engine room lower level. No one hardly ever went down there. I heard rumor of guys being able to catch up on sleep a time or two. Normally, I wouldn’t consider doing something like that. I was running on less than four hours’ sleep over three days. I took a chance and completed an hour worth of logs ahead of time.
I wasn’t greedy. I just needed a short rest.
Chapter 8
“You wanted to see me, Chief?” I remained standing until he offered me a seat.
“Petty Officer Pierson, I regret to inform you that you are being discharged from the United States Navy.” Chief said and slipped the formal papers in front of me.
I couldn’t breathe. It felt like all the air had been vacuumed out of the small space. No, no, this couldn’t be happening.
“I-I don’t understand, sir,” I spoke as I slid my now slick palms down the legs of my pants.
“It’s right there in front of you in black and white,” Chief said.
My shoulders hung low as I stared at the page. I scrolled through the words until I saw the words: dereliction of duty. There was nothing I could say in my defense. I knew what I did was wrong, yet I did it anyway. In that moment, I wanted to rattle off the names of all the other guys who did it too, but that wouldn’t make this go away.
“You’ve been relieved of duty. You’re dismissed.”
I stood on shaky legs. “I understand, Chief.” I gave him a grim smile. I fucked up this opportunity that I had. Now, I was nothing. Worse than nothing. Anything other than Honorable Discharge was a black mark to the Navy.
My mind immediately went to my father. In one selfish act, I disgraced myself and shamed him. I made my way back to my bunk and read through the charges again. What had I done?
I barely remembered leaving the Chief’s quarters. Every part of me was numbed. I had almost reached the birthing area without running into anyone. Suddenly, I was staring up at the large fram
e that was Missouri.
“Hey, I heard what happened,” he muttered.
I needed to mask the shame from being discharged. “Yeah, I fucked up good this time.” I half expected him to read me the riot act, tell me how ashamed he was of what I had done, but he didn’t.
“If you want to sit around, watch movies and sleep, there are other ways you could have accomplished that,” he joked.
“So, I suppose I’m the most hated man on the boat right now.” I cringed, awaiting his response.
“I wouldn’t say that. We’re more embarrassed for you and the situation.” He looked me dead in the eye when he said it. I knew he meant every word.
“What am I going to do now? I won’t get hired with this hung over my head.”
“You could always suck dick for spare change. You know, to get your self-respect back.”
He grinned. It felt good to have him degrade me the way he usually did. But what about Kay? I knew what I wanted to say to her. Now, what was the point?
***
The week went fast. I said goodbye to the guys and slowly made my way through the submarine. Fresh air warmed my face. I breathed in deeply. I can do this. I fought to keep my head held high as I disembarked. I didn’t want Kay to pick up on anything. I looked up and there she stood. I watched as those long legs strolled down to the edge of the pier. That beautiful smile that spread across her face was contagious. Despite the news I received, I found myself smiling too.
“Hey, buttons,” she called.
“Hey yourself.” She looked into my eyes with so much love and admiration. How was I going to break the news? “I’m glad to be home.” I leaned down as she reached up to meet my lips with hers. Yes. This is what I had dreamed of many times over the last three months. I closed my eyes as the heat of our kiss burned away the pain I had inside. I kissed her deeper and deeper, letting myself be filled with her.
Then, just as fast, the demons were back. All the things that had been haunting me turned my heart cold.
“Are we going to have a few welcome-home drinks with the guys?” she asked.
I snaked an arm around her waist. “Not tonight. I’m really tired. I wanted to have you to myself for a bit, if that’s okay.” I was afraid that once she heard the news, this thing between us would end.
As we walked away, I turned back to take one last look. This was the last time I’d see that submarine or walk this pier. As far as I was concerned, I was a lone man on the island.
When we reached the car, I threw my bag in the back before getting in. Kay kept an eye on me and I tried my best not to crack under the pressure. Silence hung in the car for several minutes.
“What’s going on?” she prodded. “There’s something you’re not telling me.”
I just shrugged my shoulders. “Nothing is wrong. I’m fine. Just tired.” It was half true.
She turned on the radio and reached over to hold my hand. I leaned back and looked at her in the driver seat. I couldn’t lose her, and I had no clue what to do.
“I was released of my duties,” I spilled suddenly before I could stop myself. She didn’t seem to have a reaction, and I couldn’t bring myself to look her in the eyes. “It was over a mistake. One stupid mistake and they let me go.”
She squeezed my hand. Somehow, that one show of affection meant the world to me.
“It isn’t fair,” I pushed on. I was determined not to cry in front of her. “I tried my best. I worked so hard and … and I just made one stupid …” I couldn’t even finish talking, feeling myself choking up.
She faced me. “I agree that what happened isn’t fair,” she said gently, to my surprise. “You don’t deserve to lose your dreams and hopes over one mistake.”
She was getting to me and I couldn’t have that. There was no way I was going to break down. Putting emotions into controllable boxes was something my father was an expert at. Not me.
There was no place for me anywhere, not at home and not with my military family. If I was lacking so many things, how could I have anything to give to her? I wanted to give her everything.
Chapter 9
Kay allowed me time to brood in silence. Then one morning, I could tell she’d had enough. We sat down to eat, but she didn’t touch the food on her plate. She merely moved it around with her fork.
“I get it. You’re a man and it’s hard for you to open up and talk about things, but damn it, if you don’t soon, Ryder, you’re going to lose it.”
I knew she was right. She didn’t say the words, but I knew once I lost her that it would be the end of me.
“I don’t know what I would do if I lost you. I’ve kind of gotten used to the idea of having you around,” I admitted. I took her hands into mine. I wanted her to know that I was being sincere. “I’m better at showing how I feel rather than talking about it. You know that. Blame my father; he wasn’t much of a talker either.” My voice fell flat.
“He never told you that he loved you?” she asked on the verge of tears.
I gave her a scowl. “That’s not the point. Besides, I knew he cared.”
“See, this is exactly what I’m talking about. Please don’t leave me feeling like I’m the only one feeling something seriously here.” She couldn’t hold the tears back any longer and they were flowing steadily now.
“You’re not.” I reached out to stroke the side of her face, wiping off some of the wetness.
“Okay …” She sniffled. “Then talk to me.” The way she looked at me had me shaking in my shoes. The look she gave had me more terrified than any promise of punishment from a decorated Chief.
Big emotions are not something I had ever done. I guess you could say that I took after my father in that aspect. I knew growing up that I had the love and support of my family, but dad was never one for strong shows of emotion.
I didn’t know if I was even capable of giving her what she wanted. Not now.
She wanted to break me down, to rebuild me. It’s what the Navy did to me during boot camp. At the end of twelve grueling weeks, I had become part of a brotherhood, a family that would always be there for me. If I let this little minx do that to me, what would happen if she didn’t like what she saw and walked away? That scared the shit out of me. I was already broken; the thought of being crushed further held no appeal.
Here goes nothing.
I grabbed the keys and held them up. “Go for a ride with me, Kay.”
She got up from the table and took my hand as we walked outside. She slipped out of my hand and got in the other side of the car. I looked into those big brown eyes of hers as they remained fixed steady on mine.
“I had planned on us talking about it.” I slid behind the wheel of the old Charger, then waited a moment before I turned the ignition. “Do you want to talk about it now?”
“I don’t have anything to say.” She half turned, then stared into my face without much expression.
She straightened her back, sitting stiffly on her side of the car. I knew this wasn’t a good sign. For three months now, she’d made the trip back and forth to see me whenever I had leave. Now, knowing I had to give her news that was going to break her heart had me sick to my stomach.
I leaned over to rest my hand on her knee, and she immediately pushed it away. She damn sure wasn’t going to make it easy on me. If it were up to me, I’d opt to stay. I would choose her, but this is bigger than the two of us. I had no idea how I was going to make a living. I couldn’t offer her a future with nothing in it.
I drummed my thumb on the steering wheel in time to the song on the radio while the other rested casually on my thigh.
When the song ended, I leaned forward to push the buttons on the dash.
I looked over at her. She had her head propped up on her hand as she looked out the window.
I knew she was hurting. I wanted to say something to her that would fix it. With my luck, I was afraid I’d end up screwing the entire thing up instead.
I just needed to be patient. We were almo
st there. We got to the spot I wanted to take her to. I turned off the engine and turned to face her. It didn’t matter if she looked at me or not; I wanted to give her the truth—my truth.
As we were driving here, I had talked and hoped that she had listened. I emptied my mind of all the things that weighed heavy upon it. I talked about my life and the fact that seeking my father’s approval motivated me to do so many things.
While it was happening, it felt good to get all those things off my chest. After I finished, however, I felt unsettled about what was going on inside that mind of hers. She remained cool and calm on the outside, which didn’t put me at ease.
“You haven’t cornered the market, Ryder. The world is full of failures. That’s a good thing.”
“Really, I need that logic explained to me, because failure doesn’t feel good where I stand.”
“People only achieved what mattered the most to them when they had to fight and work hard to get it. Look at Edison. He failed more than a thousand times before he got the light bulb right. He was deemed ‘too dumb to learn anything’. He was even fired from his job. My favorite quote by him was, ‘Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.’ Ryder, if you don’t try, then you have failed.”
“I appreciated the pep talk, but I’ve got nothing and no one.”
I regretted those words as soon as I said them.
“Geez, thanks for that.”
I hurt her with my thoughtless words. “I don’t mean you,” I said in apology.
“I’ll be there to fight with you Ryder, but you have to try. I have faith that anything you want can be accomplished.”
In that moment, I realized all the things I had in my life. Timing wasn’t perfect, but who knew what the future held? There may never be a perfect moment.
“There’s more, but I want to talk to you about it somewhere else.” I walked over to open the door for her. She reluctantly got out, but walked in step with me.
We stopped near the old tree trunk where we had taken pictures that last day. “Admittedly, I was out of my depth. This overwhelming emotion I had for you was taking over. I couldn’t get rid of the thoughts that ran through my mind. If this was really love, I knew it was transforming me. I had my life mapped out with what I wanted, how and when. I never saw you coming, Kay.”