by Jude Watson
The security droids were taken care of with quick thrusts and backhanded swipes. The Vanqor guards were armed with blaster rifles, wrist rockets, and stun batons. The Jedi advanced as a solid flank that broke and re- formed as they leaped and twisted, using their lightsabers and occasionally Force-pushing a Vanqor guard who decided today was his day to seek glory.
Instead he ended up with a throbbing skull as he was thrown against a wall.
It was at times such as these that Anakin felt something close to what he'd felt in the Zone of Self-Containment. It was not that he enjoyed battle. Battle was a necessity to an end. It was that battle filled his mind in a way that other things could not. Focus was absolute. He felt in the midst of the Force. With the other Jedi around him, the Force was especially powerful. It made every decision easy, every move fluid.
He even felt a kinship with Ferus. He did not want to be Ferus's friend, but he was glad to have him at his side during a battle. Ferus was known for his strength and agility. His moves were flawless. Yet he did not fight only for himself, but cast his battle mind like a net, ready to respond to the others if they needed him. When four sentry droids bore down on Anakin, it was Ferus who leaped, smashing two of them to the ground with one stroke.
Soon the droids had been reduced to scrap and the Vanqor guards decided that facing a squad of Jedi had not been in their job descriptions.
They threw down their weapons and surrendered.
"Zan Arbor," Obi-Wan said to Anakin.
"We'll free the prisoners," Siri said. "You might meet more resistance there. Ferus, go with them."
The three Jedi raced to the medical building where Anakin had been held. No ships had taken off since they arrived. No doubt Zan Arbor had heard the battle. She could be hiding. Or she could decide to make a last stand. Anakin was prepared for anything.
The halls were empty. Doors were flung open, and there were signs of disarray in the trailing linens on the sleep couches and the discarded food on trays. The warming lights in the courtyard had been turned off, and the leaves looked shrunken and yellowed. It appeared that the entire operation had been hastily abandoned.
Anakin led the way to Zan Arbor's office. They did not need to break in. The door was wide open. Drawers hung open, empty. Her desk had been cleared. Even her septsilk curtains had been taken down.
Anakin felt relief move through him. But why? He wasn't sure. He only knew that he did not want to face Zan Arbor again. Especially not in front of his Master. It was as though she held a secret to a part of him he did not want to share.
When he turned, he saw that Ferus had seen his relief. Anakin hid his exasperation. No matter where he turned, Ferus was there, eager to see what Anakin wanted to conceal. Ferus's ability to tune in to his fellow Jedi might have been helpful in battle, but Anakin found it deeply annoying at other times.
"Too late," Anakin said to Obi-Wan. "She must have heard about the thwarted invasion."
"She couldn't have hidden all the evidence," Obi-Wan said. "We'll need to back up what happened here. It will add to her crimes."
Obi-Wan surveyed the hastily departed office. "I know one thing, Padawan. We have just discovered our next mission. We have to find Jenna Zan Arbor."
Chapter Eighteen
The Jedi stood on the landing platform in the capital city of Sarus- Dor. The Typha-Dors had loaned a gleaming Gen-6 starship to Obi-Wan and Anakin, who were heading out on the trail of Zan Arbor. Garen and Clee Rhara had readied their transports to resume their interrupted mission.
Anakin leaned against the wall with Tru. He felt weariness deep in his bones, but he was anxious to get moving, eager to leave this mission behind as a memory.
If only he weren't heading to find Jenna Zan Arbor. Anakin wasn't afraid of the scientist, but he wasn't eager to tangle again with someone who could put him in the Zone of Self-Containment.
"It's got to be draining, no matter what the medic said," Tru said.
"That's probably why."
Anakin smiled faintly. "Why what?" Tru had a habit of speaking his thoughts out loud, usually right in the middle of them.
"Why you look tired. The medic said he found no side effects, so I wouldn't worry about that." Tru peered at him sympathetically.
"I'm not worried," Anakin said. He paused. "Do you ever wonder about detachment, Tru?"
One of the reasons Tru was his friend was that he didn't have to explain things to him. "Of course. It is the hardest Jedi lesson," Tru said. "I wonder about it all the time. How can we follow our feelings and yet be detached? Master Ry-Gaul says that feeling deeply is necessary for all living beings. It is how we use those feelings that is crucial. If we let them determine our actions, we can go astray."
"I guess I still don't know how to free myself," Anakin said.
"Me neither. I guess that's why we're Padawans, and they're Masters,"
Tru said. "The thing is not to worry." "Yes," Anakin said. "That's the thing." He noticed Ferus looking over at them. Ferus quickly looked away.
"What's the matter with Ferus?" Anakin asked. Tru looked uncomfortable.
"Nothing."
"Tell me. He's barely said a word to me. Not that I mind."
Tru shifted his weight. "He said… well. He wondered why you didn't tell your Master that you'd undergone that treatment. It was clear that you hadn't. We all wondered. After all, it is strange."
Anakin looked over at Ferus, who had joined Siri, who was saying good- bye to Obi-Wan. "He always gets in my business."
"He only said out loud what we all thought," Tru said with his usual honesty. "I bet Obi-Wan is thinking it, too."
"I'm not sure why I didn't tell him," Anakin said. "I was going to tell him. Did something ever happen to you that you wanted to think about first, before you told anyone?"
"No," Tru said. "I guess I like to talk."
Anakin laughed. Tru was always truthful. Anakin could see through him like water. That was how clear he was. And the only thing he saw was goodness.
Ferus came up. "It's time to board," he told Tru.
"I hear you're wondering why I didn't tell Obi-Wan about what happened at the prison camp," Anakin said in a challenging tone.
Ferus gazed at him. "Yes, I did wonder," he said. "But then I figured it out."
"Oh, really? Why don't you enlighten us?" Anakin suggested.
"You were afraid to tell Obi-Wan because you enjoyed it," he said.
"You enjoyed feeling nothing. It even overcame your loyalty."
"Nothing overcomes Anakin's loyalty to his Master, Ferus," Tru said sharply. "And it is none of your business, anyway. You weren't there. You don't know what happened. You have no right to judge."
Ferus seemed to struggle against Tru's words for a moment. Then he inclined his head. "You're right, Tru, as always. I apologize, Anakin. I shouldn't have said it."
That's right, Ferus. You stepped over the line. But maybe Anakin owed him one, after their mission on Andara.
"All right," Anakin said. He noted that Ferus hadn't said he was wrong. Just that he shouldn't have said it.
"Good-bye," Ferus said. "May the Force be with you."
Anakin merely nodded a cool farewell.
"Ferus is the perfect Padawan, remember?" Tru said as Ferus boarded the ship, trying to make Anakin feel better. "He feels like he has to correct all of us."
"Thank you for defending me," Anakin said. "I will miss you, friend."
"Take care, Anakin," Tru said. "Take care."
Tru walked away. Anakin felt a tiny sting at Tru's words. He hadn't meant them as an affectionate farewell. He'd meant them as a warning.
Obi-Wan waited as Garen and Siri walked up the ramp. It slid shut.
Obi-Wan backed up a few steps to watch the two ships take off. Then he walked slowly to Anakin's side. They watched until the two ships were just red slivers in the sky, bits of light. Then they shot to maximum speed and disappeared.
"You said torment," Obi-Wan remarked, still looking at
the sky.
"Excuse me?" Anakin pretended confusion, but he knew exactly what Obi- Wan was referring to.
"You said, The things that normally torment you don't bother you at all.' Not the things that trouble you, but torment you." Obi-Wan turned to face him. "It was a strong word. What torments you, Anakin?"
He looked at the ground. "Perhaps I spoke more strongly than I meant to!'
"That is not an answer."
"Sometimes I don't want to be the Chosen One," Anakin said. The words broke free. They felt like stones in his mouth.
"That's not surprising," Obi-Wan said. "Many gifts can be burdens."
"The Force is so strong. I can feel it so much. I feel so much. I don't want to feel so much!" Anakin hardly recognized his voice, choked and aching. Obi-Wan looked startled at his vehemence. "Why am I chosen? Why is it me? Can't I refuse it? Can't you let me refuse it? Can't you take it away?"
"Anakin — "
"Take it from me. Please, Master." Anakin wanted to fall to his knees.
A deep tide of feeling, of dread, had risen up within him and choked him.
He felt tears in the back of his throat. Even his friend Tru was afraid for him. Just as Ferus was. Just as his own Master was, the person who knew him the best.
What do they see that I cannot?
The sudden panic shocked him. It had sprung up so abruptly. He hadn't meant to say what he had said. He hadn't even known he had been feeling it.
Now it felt like the truest thing he had ever said. The dread was always there. He lived with it, but he didn't understand it. He just wanted it to go away.
The depth of Obi-Wan's shock and compassion showed in his eyes, in the way he gently placed his hands on Anakin's shoulders. "My Padawan. I would do anything for you. I would bear your burdens for you if I could. But I cannot."
Anakin bowed his head. The panic and fear whirled inside him, and he was ashamed.
Obi-Wan bent closer to speak softly. He did not release his grip on Anakin's shoulders. "But I will help you. I will always help you. I will not leave you."
The words reverberated like a bell. Obi-Wan's touch brought Anakin back to himself. He raised his head.
"Things between us have not run smoothly lately," Obi-Wan said. "But you must never doubt my commitment to you."
"And mine to you," Anakin said.
The breeze rose and stirred their robes. It smelled fresh and clean.
It was morning, and they had things to accomplish, a journey to make.
They turned, and together, they walked to the ship. Anakin looked ahead to the next mission, and the fear returned. Obi-Wan was bringing him straight to the creator of the process that had caused him so much doubt and panic. His fear suddenly freshened and sharpened. Now it was a certainty that this next mission would bring him too close to a truth he didn't want to face.
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