‘Karen did arrive out there. She turned up a couple of days after we came home from the Catskills.’ I heard my aunt sigh. Her body language changed somewhat to irritated, but then my mother always managed to bring that out in her. ‘I was so strong with her Aunty, you would have been so proud... but she did manage to get in a couple of snipes that I suppose have made this situation worse... if it could be any worse.’ A sigh escaped my lips.
‘We’ve always been proud of you. Let me guess... you weren’t good enough for Alex, what would he possibly see in you? He could have his pick of other women.’ She had her hand out and was counting her digits off with each reason she could list. I nodded at each reason.
‘She’s like an incessant dripping tap of bullshit, that bloody woman.’ Never had I seen my aunt so riled up, and I had definitely never heard her swear before. It at least pulled a small smile to my face.
‘The one thing that really got to me though, was... she said he was probably only with me to stop a civil law case being brought against him, in respect of JJ’s death.’ My voice had gone quiet as I looked up, searching for her eyes with my own.
‘Well of course she did... She is a jealous bitch, so of course she did... just wait until your uncle gets home and hears all this rubbish.’ She was shaking her head with absolute disgust.
‘But even with all that... he is getting engaged to his stepsister, Ruby, and she is having his baby... I was stupid enough to believe we were sort of ring shopping for me.’
My aunt picked up my hand now in her own and then held the two of our hands together over my heart.
‘Do you really believe that, Frankie, deep down in there... I know you’re hurting... but really deep down inside, what does your heart tell you? The one thing he said to your uncle on the phone was that things aren’t always what they seem and he would always find his way back to you. Now all we have to do is to work out whether you want him. Whether you love him enough to see around his mistake and move on?’
‘I just don’t understand why he couldn’t have told me the truth? Why tell me he loved me if he loved her?’
‘I know he loves you... I’ve said before, you two have a connection, it has been there for years... but you have to believe in yourself too, in order to see that you are worth loving... and you so are, my love... you so are. Your uncle, me, JJ and Bella have always been able to see that... but that’s no good if you don’t recognise it in yourself. Whatever is going on with Alex and his family at the moment, I believe in that boy... he has had a lot of heartache in his life, too. I am convinced he never meant to hurt you... he knows we would never bring a case against him... he knows. So that thought has to leave your head... OK?’ My aunt had always been a strong woman and I could see that even more now.
‘I know you have been bombarded with hurt, my love, but I do need to tell you something else now.’
I could feel the panic rising up from my stomach and into my chest. I swallowed to help force it back down. My aunt hadn’t moved away from me at all and the hand of mine that she clasped was squeezed just that tiny bit tighter. My pulse accelerated.
‘Your uncle will be back anytime now and you need to know... you will see a change in him,’ she took an intake of breath, obviously needing the brief second to regain some composure. ‘Your uncle has been having chemotherapy, my love.’ I watched as she brought her hand to her face and wiped away a lone tear.
It all fell into place then, with a bloody great resounding crash.
So this was the reason she had almost pushed me on the plane over to my new job. But why?
‘My first question is how is he? Secondly, why didn’t you tell me before, I’d have never left you both... does Alex know?’ My voice was rising. I had so many questions flying around my brain right now. ‘First and foremost, how is uncle?’
‘He’s really good... you don’t need to worry, my love, he is really good. The tumour was removed and the chemo was just to make sure. He’s lost his hair and a little weight... but he’s good.’ The relief I felt was all consuming.
‘Why didn’t you tell me? Alex knew, didn’t he?’ The relief I had felt only the second before was departing and was being replaced fast with anger. ‘I could have coped, you know.’
My aunt’s gaze left mine now and went to our conjoined hands. ‘Love, I know you could, but you’re so young and you have had so much to deal with in your life already... we all felt that... no I’ll change that... I felt you didn’t need to be here for this. I’m sorry if that hurts you. We had already seen a specialist before you left. He said the tumour could be removed and as long as there were no complications, the chemo would be sufficient treatment, and it has been. After what happened with your dad you didn’t need to watch again from the side-lines, did you really? Alex needed a physio for Nathan and he was so happy at the thought of having you near to him... It seemed like the best option for all concerned.’
‘Alex is a control freak... but I am a grown adult, I can’t believe you didn’t at least let me know what was happening, so I could make the choice myself.’
‘Sorry, Frankie... I just thought it was for the best.’ My aunt’s posture sank down and I immediately regretted my harsh words to her. I pulled her to me and held on to her like my life depended on it.
‘There are my best girls; do I get an invite into that hug, or what?’ My uncle had entered into the room and we hadn’t even heard him. As I looked up at him, I realised she had been correct. He had lost his hair and was looking extremely pale. My uncle and my dad had been brothers; there was no disputing the family resemblance. His skin and pallor now looked very similar to that of my dad, when he had first started his treatment for cancer, and they were so right, it was a bitter pill to swallow. I couldn’t have coped watching him. I would have tried and given it my best shot, but looking at virtually the same face, would have made it so acutely painful.
I rushed out of my aunt’s embrace and gently walked into my uncle’s open arms. He smelt the same as he had always smelt; his cheap but clean smelling aftershave wrapped me in its memories. Although inside my heart was in pieces, it was so good to be home.
The first, of what was to be daily gifts, turned up at the house not an hour after I had. I opened the smallish box and found my old alarm clock, which I had been given one Christmas by my dad. In my haste to leave, I had left it behind. I knew Alex must have sent it, but there were no words included with it. I understood but somewhere deep down inside it hurt. I missed him terribly.
The next few weeks went by in a blur. I attended a couple of appointments with my uncle and was really pleased when the consultant said how well he was getting on.
I helped put up the Christmas decorations with my aunt. An old battered looking tree and decorations, that had certainly seen better days, but it contained such strong memories of JJ and me when we were younger; I knew she would never change it for anything fancy. It even had the childish decorations on it we had made in primary school.
Surely this is what Christmas should always be about?
Every day I received something from Alex. Flowers and chocolates were the normal, sometimes a few words written in a poem or a quote. The best and the worst things were the little personal reminders of our few short weeks together, a key-ring with a small plastic hotdog on it, a small teddy bear wearing a green and white striped rugby shirt and a picture in an ornate frame of the two of us. It had been taken from the iPhone I had left behind. All of these things I knew were being sent in order to remind me of just what we had between us. It was his way of not letting me forget. As if I ever could.
But nothing came from him about the situation we were now in.
Christmas day finally arrived and I was busy helping my aunty in the kitchen. Our neighbours from next door were going to share the day with us. I was grateful to them for helping my aunt when my uncle had been unwell;
it seemed like a fitting way to repay them a little for their kindness. Slowly I peeled the vegetables, thinking back to the last time I had done this with Nathan, a smile crept over my lips thinking back to the fun we’d had together.
‘I like that.’ My aunty exclaimed. ‘Keep that right there on your face... I have missed it so much.’
‘As you’re pointing a sharp knife at me I just might.’ I smiled wider.
I watched her laughing as she turned back to the sink. Radio two was playing in the background. Christmas songs were the obvious choice of the day. She sang along at the top of her voice. I hadn’t realised just how much I had missed listening to music, it was another thing I had simply stopped doing. I couldn’t have trusted myself not to play our playlist.
Thinking back to Thanksgiving had unfortunately brought back the memory of his phone call from Ruby. My head was in a constant state of trying to work the whole situation out. Many nights I had spent awake talking to my aunt and even my uncle sometimes, when he could manage it, and neither of them thought that Alex had meant to hurt me. Neither of them thought that the baby was his. These disclosures were heart warming, heart warming that they thought so highly of him. The man himself continued to send me a gift every day, but never any words. He never rung me and he never wrote anything in his own hand.
Whoever wrote that time was a great healer, had obviously never been in my bloody position. It hurt like hell.
The Christmas lunch was a great success, my uncle had his appetite back and the easy relaxed feel around the table was palpable.
‘OK, ladies and gents, with no further ado I bring you the Christmas pressies from under the tree.’ My uncle was very gently tapping his knife against his pint glass in order to get our full attention.
‘Frankie, as you’re the nearest, love, please pass the presents up.’
Rolling onto one bum cheek and bending down and hanging off my seat, I kept my balance by holding on to the table corner. I passed up the presents as quickly as possible. The last one was quite big and I couldn’t manoeuvre it up onto the table. My legs pushed the chair back slightly and I slipped down onto the floor. Crawling on my hands and knees I ducked under the branches of the fake spruce and looked at the written label. I felt myself breathe in as I became conscious of the fact the writing on it was Alex’s.
Frankie
I give to you, your happy place.
X
‘Come on, love, we’re waiting,’ my aunt demanded.
Carefully I pulled out the large parcel and placed it on my vacant chair. There was a smaller box too, also from Alex. Silence hit my ears as I raised my glance to the four faces sitting around the table.
‘They’re from Alex.’ I told them all, but it was fairly obvious that they were already aware of that.
‘We know, love... will you open them with us or somewhere private?’ asked my aunt.
‘Here, I definitely don’t need privacy.’ I was afraid of being alone with my feelings.
My fingers carefully brushed fleetingly over the beautifully wrapped gift, and I began to remove the paper. As it started to peel away I instantly recognised the picture underneath, it was the heart on a beach picture. The one I had bought at the second hand thrift store, in NYC, the same canvas that I had left hanging on the apartment wall when I had ran.
It wasn’t exactly the same though and on further inspection I could see it was the original print. My hand flew up to my mouth in order to stop the expletives that were threatening to fall out. I knew this had to have cost a fortune, but it wasn’t the cost of the print that shocked me, it was the trouble he must have gone to, actually sourcing the print for me.
‘Frankie love, take your hand away from your mouth girl, and show us what you’re gawping at, eh?’ I turned to see my uncle smiling at me and I very slowly lifted the striking print, and turned it towards them.
‘That’s stunning love... when you’re born by the sea it always holds great significance in your life, doesn’t it?’
‘It always has to me, yes. I can’t believe he has found this for me.’
‘Well we have a packet from him, too.’ I watched as my aunt wiped her knife clean with her napkin, and then slid the dinner knife into the sealed white envelope to open it. She pulled out some pieces of paper and having been unable to locate her glasses she passed them over to my uncle to read.
We all watched as he cast his eyes over the pages.
‘Jean, we’re going on a Caribbean cruise, my love.’ He smiled.
‘On a bloody what? We can’t accept that!’ She suddenly shrieked. Standing up with so much momentum her chair propelled backwards. It would have fallen over, but so small was the space in the dining room it just clattered into the old fashioned sideboard behind it.
‘Alex has given us the gift of a cruise for Christmas; he says it’s to celebrate the completion of my chemotherapy and to help with the recovery... and although I have always listened to you, my love... for once we are not turning down this opportunity to live a little.’ He picked up the papers now and gave them to my aunty, who even without actually reading the words had tears running down over her cheeks.
‘Frankie?’ She looked at me now questioningly.
‘Nope... you can leave me out of this... it has nothing to do with the situation between Alex and I... absolutely nothing. You can’t turn it down; you haven’t even been on holiday abroad, let alone the Caribbean. You two so deserve a break, you really do... So the question is not are you going, but what date do you leave?’ I was holding up my hands in indignation.
‘Hear, hear,’ put in our neighbour Norah, ‘When do you go?’
‘Sixth of January we fly out to Florida, and pick up the cruise from there, everything is paid for even a luxury limo to the airport.’ My uncle was still browsing over the pieces of paper spread out between him and my aunty.
My hands continued to move all over the second gift from Alex. I wanted to unwrap it badly, but I wanted to savour the moment. All around the table the four friends chatted about my aunt and uncle’s good fortune. As the weeks had moved on I had missed Alex terribly, my body physically ached to see, touch and hear him, and the anger I had initially felt when storming away from him had dissipated. Although we never spoke he made contact with me every day, in some way or another, and I knew that this little box was going to be the last contact from him today. I needed to hang on to the feeling of pleasure for a little longer. Removing it from view, I tucked it into the pocket of the long line cardigan I was wearing, to save it until later. My thoughts of him were broken by my aunty.
‘Did you hear what Nora just said, Frankie?’
‘Oh no sorry, I was daydreaming.’ I offered a small smile to everyone.
‘We understand, love, but I think Norah has a great idea.’
‘I was just saying, Frankie, that being this time of year our cottage in Dungeness hasn’t been rented out; most people would find the place pretty bleak in the cold weather. But I remember how much you have always loved it down there. If you like, you could go down for a couple of weeks whilst Jean and Robert are away. It would give you the tranquillity you may need to think, and you’d be doing us a favour, wouldn’t she, Bill?’ She nudged Bill. ‘The place could do with airing out, there’s plenty of food in the freezer and fuel for the fires, isn’t there, Bill?’ After being nudged again Bill nodded enthusiastically and grinned at me.
‘Do you know, I would love that, thank you for the offer.’ Their beach cottage was in an almost cut off area of South East England. It had a small community of mainly fisherman, and it was as though time had almost stood still. The community was based around a small pub. There were no proper roads and all the cottages, which had stood for many years, were made out of reclaimed railway carriages, joined together. The cottages were all grouped together in-between the two lighthouses. N
ora and Bill’s was beautiful and old, yet it had modern conveniences and it held special memories for me. I had a couple of picture memories in my head of JJ and me when we were kids. The thought of revisiting those gave me a warm feeling.
That evening in my old bedroom, I sat crossed legged on a small twin bed. Slowly I peeled back the Christmas paper from the box I had kept safe in my cardigan pocket. I don’t think I had ever unwrapped anything so slowly in my life. Normally I was the one frantically ripping it away with a child like exuberance. Tonight I savoured every tear. When the lid was lifted I could smell his trade mark cologne. I inhaled sharply as my fingers found the bracelet inside. It was a silver bracelet with several charms. I studied each one carefully, lifting them up with my fingertips one by one. I found a heart with an infinity symbol wrapped around it, a rugby ball, a pair of ice skates, a pine tree, a musical note and an apple. I had to think about the last one, but it finally dawned on me that it was the big apple. The charms he had chosen obviously signified the two of us. The whole bracelet had two different coloured gem stones interspersed. One of the stones I recognised instantly as blue topaz, my birth stone, but the other I needed to look up. After searching it out on my phone I found it was a garnet, the birthstone for January. Ridiculously I knew so much about Alex, but not his birthday. I could only assume his birthday was in January. I clutched onto the bracelet for hours turning all of the charms over and over in my fingers, I felt he was trying to speak to me without words, but what he was saying I didn’t know. What had made me really happy was the fact that the charms had been put on the bracelet in such a way that a large part of it was still empty. I hoped it meant what I thought, that there was going to be other things to put on it in the future, that we had a future together.
Forty-Three
Waiting on the cobbled path, I watched as the Limo driver shut the door on my aunt and uncle. T
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