by Mike Gayle
Afterword
And what of the List? Well the List itself is in the top right-hand drawer of my desk in the office and from day to day it sits there unopened with its crumpled,barely-hanging-together-cover loosened at the staples. Occasionally when I’m looking for something else (stamps, paperclips, bank statements or lost bars of chocolate) I’ll think about opening it but I never do because I feel as though that part of my life is over now. As for the ticks I achieved that were ongoing, some are ticking over and others have fallen by the wayside. Yes, I try to be as green as possible, and the wormery is still going a treat, but beyond being a bit more rigorous about rejecting needless plastic bags and recycling, everything else has ground to a halt. A few of the old friends I caught up with still exchange emails and leave comments on Facebook, and I’m planning to head up to Leeds to see Sam sometime over the summer. Yes, I’m still making an effort to see more of my parents; no, the drawer by the back door isn’t quite as tidy as it was and, as for the attempts to lose weight . . . well let’s just say it’s an ongoing battle.
So as I begin typing, I feel I ought to be saying something wise and clever that will make you reflect on everything you’ve read and fire you up about life, no mean feat. Having mulled over the problem, this is what I’ve decided to leave you with:
1. Make a list
2. Do it.
Go on, you know it makes sense.
Appendix
1. Eat more salad.
2. Frame print bought for my birthday.
3. Spend more time with number-one child.
4. Back up hard drive.
5. Make compilation CD for Jackie.
6. Find some way of commemorating 10-year wedding anniversary.
7. Change to low energy light bulbs where possible.
8. Repaint front door.
9. Read poetry.
10. Watch Omen.
11. Read something by Margaret Atwood.
12. Be nicer to wife.
13. Give Harry Potter a chance.
14. Watch The O.C. season one.
15. Watch The O.C. season two.
16. Finish off the first Tomb Raider game without recourse to cheats found on the internet.
17. Replace dodgy fence panel on old neighbour’s side.
18. Reseed the lawn.
19. Restock garden.
20. Make a Will.
21. Get rid of ivy growing over front window.
22. Buy an antique.
23. Wear sunscreen.
24. Set up a birthday reminder service.
25. Sport a tie more often.
26. Spend more time with parents.
27. Wear proper shoes more.
28. Declutter office.
29. Learn to use Photoshop . . .
30. And Illustrator . . .
31. And Quark XPress.
32. Read more Paul Auster.
33. Check mortgage deal.
34. Sort out under-eaves loft space.
35. Work out system for records.
36. Fix broken guttering.
37. Breathe more deeply.
38. Go to the cinema more.
39. Do some finger painting with daughter.
40. Improve posture.
41. Join the library.
42. Catch up with rubbish summer job lost friends like Ian and Scott . . .
43. And over-worked and under-paid bar job lost friends like Monica and Paige . . .
44. And camping holiday in Anglesey lost friends like Jane, Mia and Simon . . .
45. And teen magazine lost friends like Sarah, Alex and Maria . . .
46. And lost friends inherited from other lost friends like Sam, Richard and Tall Mike . . .
47. And university lost friends like Emma, Jo, Anthony and Alison . . .
48. And sixth-form lost friends like Cath, Susie and Sarah . . .
49. And secondary school lost friends like Mick, Mark and Simon . . .
50. And finally early days in London lost friends like Lisa, Steve and Jen.
51. Learn how to use Excel (or at least open it).
52. Stop falling asleep in front of the TV.
53. Empty office drawers.
54. Empty office filing cabinet.
55. Go Salsa dancing.
56. Use my computer flat bed scanner or get rid of it.
57. Clean out drain near back door.
58. Spend more time with Mum.
59. Spend more time with Dad.
60. Same goes for elder brother.
61. Same goes again for middle brother.
62. Clean out U-bend under bathroom sink.
63. Change fuse in the shredder (to see if it’s really dead or just playing possum) . . .
64. And do same with the old PlayStation . . .
65. And Claire’s old-fashioned-looking radio/cassette player . . .
66. And Claire’s hairdryer . . .
67. And my hair clippers . . .
68. And the bass amp for the electric guitar.
69. Use up compost bought two summers ago.
70. Lose weight.
71. Extend warranty on freezer . . .
72. And washing machine . . .
73. And cooker.
74. Put bags of wood chippings bought two years ago onto garden.
75. Talk to friends’ kids more.
76. Clean under cooker.
77. Put up curtains in the loft.
78. Have a mid-nineties Indie moment.
79. Play make-believe more.
80. Take up painting.
81. Put numbers onto front door.
82. Replace missing pins in living-room light fittings.
83. Finish painting the ceiling around living-room light fittings.
84. Work out why people like Wes Anderson films.
85. Make back gate open in the winter as well as the summer.
86. Read Alan Moore’s Watchmen.
87. Discover something new.
88. Bank cheque from short story bloke.
89. Give Radiohead another chance.
90. Clear out coat/shoe storage area at top of cellar steps.
91. Replace missing toggle from living room blinds.
92. Put hook on back of loft door . . .
93. And bedroom doors . . .
94. And cellar door.
95. Stop buying things I don’t need with money I don’t have.
96. Speak to checkout staff more.
97. Have a conversation with the woman who works at the Queen’s Head.
98. Sit down with accountant.
99. Learn the name of the newsagent’s wife . . .
100. And the postman’s name . . .
101. And the name of the Parcel Force guy.
102. Put Blu-Tack in place where it can be found.
103. Put up towel rail bought six years ago.
104. Overcome fear of friends’ pets especially Jim, the overly groin-orientated Labrador . . .
105. And Beth’s evil-eyed terrapin . . .
106. And Flavia’s budgie with the strange growth on the side of its head . . .
107. And Tim and Sharon’s fat cat.
108. Attempt to overcome general animosity towards the entire animal kingdom.
109. Be a better correspondent.
110. Sort out takeaway menus shoved in drawer by back door.
111. Come up with a system for organising household washing . . .
112. And bill paying . . .
113. And children’s clothes (passing down/throwing out/keeping for sentimental reasons) . . .
114. And Lydia’s artwork . . .
115. And food cupboard . . .
116. And freezer . . .
117. And recycling.
118. Work out why the freezer keeps beeping at 2.00a.m.
119. Remove crap from parents’ house that you’ve been meaning to take since you first moved out.
120. Print out all digital photographs.
121. Do more cultural
stuff.
122. Play more board games . . .
123. And parlour games.
124. Find out what a parlour game actually is.
125. Fix damp patch in bathroom.
126. Find out what to do with old electrical items.
127. Reset time for Los Angeles clock . . .
128. And Sydney clock . . .
129. And clock on cooker . . .
130. And microwave.
131. Light candles more often.
132. Buy a fire extinguisher.
133. Find a use for balsamic vinegar.
134. Empty boot of Claire’s car.
135. Sort out eczema on arm.
136. Change car CDs.
137. Prune plum tree.
138. Make rooms not policed by Claire smell nice.
139. Plant bulbs bought by Claire’s gran.
140. Get copy made of picture of Claire’s gran and granddad’s wedding.
141. Re-hang picture that fell down.
142. Find use for herb-infused olive oil bought as a present for us from friends who went to Italy.
143. Overcome fear of being poisoned by botulism, which may or may not be present in said herb-infused olive oil.
144. Use UV pen to mark valuables with postcode.
145. Find a reason to drink the 3 bottles of champagne gathering dust on the shelf.
146. Learn how to operate the washing machine.
147. Grow some herbs.
148. Learn how to look after cactus.
149. Unpack box marked ‘loft’ still unpacked from our house move 6 years ago.
150. Unpack box marked ‘shed’ still unpacked from our house move 6 years ago.
151. Unpack box marked ‘stuff’ still unpacked from our house move 6 years ago.
152. Make interesting lunches more often.
153. Stop eating McDonalds.
154. Empty drawers under our bed.
155. Play chess more.
156. Teach Claire how to play chess.
157. Become ambidextrous.
158. Read Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway.
159. Be more adventurous in the supermarket.
160. Write to my MP.
161. Create a scrapbook.
162. Buy a squirrel-proof bird feeder.
163. Finish Sudoku puzzle started last January.
164. Re-watch Scrubs.
165. Play Consequences.
166. Go green.
167. Convert CDs to MP3.
168. Buy cover for Lydia’s bike.
169. Make a family Christmas card.
170. Clear Claire’s student loan once and for all.
171. Increase web traffic to website . . .
172. . . . and update it.
173. Sort out garden because it’s a jungle out there.
174. Wonderweb curtain hems in living room . . .
175. And suit trousers . . .
176. And Lydia’s dress from Selfridges.
177. Purchase handy-sized bottle of washing gel as a pre-emptive measure against potential diseases.
178. Get a tetanus jab . . .
179. And if possible a chicken pox jab.
180. Replace rear left indicator bulb in Claire’s car.
181. Start assembling collected works for children to inherit.
182. Get black suit dry cleaned . . .
183. And the brown one . . .
184. And the grey one . . .
185. And the blue one . . .
186. And the grey jacket with the flecks of toothpaste on it.
187. Buy something to clean shoes with and then clean them.
188. Clear in tray completely (and that includes finally replying to the woman who wanted the naked pictures of you).
189. Buy demisting spray for glasses.
190. Trace family tree.
191. Clean garden furniture.
192. Put garden furniture away in the winter.
193. Remember to get garden furniture out in the summer.
194. Find home for French editions of books.
195. Same for Italian . . .
196. Dutch . . .
197. Polish . . .
198. Japanese . . .
199. Portuguese . . .
200. And German editions.
201. Re-varnish old dining table.
202. Trim hedges.
203. Buy extendable hedge trimmer.
204. Purchase an SLR camera.
205. Buy new Christmas tree lights.
206. Clean stain from sofa.
207. Take up a new hobby.
208. Stop spraying clothes with toothpaste.
209. Put tissues in every room.
210. Take down bed in front room.
211. Reassemble bed in loft room.
212. Buy garden toys for the kids to play with.
213. Find out if huge tree at side of house is safe.
214. Scan some family photos.
215. Send Sidney a thank-you note.
216. Find out what happened at the end of Six Feet Under.
217. Decide what to do with the rest of my life.
218. Look into hiring a cottage for next summer.
219. Manage my time better.
220. Get some kind of receptacle for Claire’s beauty products.
221. Spend longer cleaning teeth.
222. Work out what occasional pain in left shoulder might be related to.
223. Make kite with kids.
224. Perfect the art of the boiled egg.
225. Get new fence at the bottom of the garden.
226. Buy a meat thermometer.
227. Re-grout tiles in shower.
228. Find out who owns the fence on the left-hand side of the house.
229. Have a go at watching the TV cable channels you always ignore like Teacher’s TV . . .
230. And the Biography Channel . . .
231. And Bloomberg.
232. Put all important dates (birthdays, holidays, appointments) on calendar rather than relying on guess work.
233. Change charcoal filter on cooker hood.
234. Get watch professionally cleaned.
235. Learn to use graph function on calculator.
236. Decide if I want to be buried or cremated.
237. Learn how to change a tyre.
238. Write letter of complaint to BQ.
239. Chase Amazon about the £1 refund.
240. Tie up loose ends.
241. See more of Jackie.
242. Wear a suit just for the heck of it.
243. Clean up spilt milk under fridge.
244. Fix wobbly garden bench.
245. Get Hannah’s wedding present in time for their third wedding anniversary.
246. See more of Parker Bum.
247. Spend the three £1 BQ vouchers that you found in your desk last week.
248. Learn more about yourself.
249. Finish novel.
250. Come up with idea for next novel.
251. Take more responsibility for dishwasher (loading/unloading etc.).
252. Take daughter swimming.
253. Get old baby clothes out of cupboard in loft.
254. Have a go at growing a beard.
255. Investigate laser eye surgery.
256. Buy emergency pyjamas . . .
257. And a dressing gown . . .
258. And possibly slippers.
259. Collect more pub facts.
260. Do something nice for Arthur . . .
261. And Gary . . .
262. And Jo . . .
263. And Danby . . .
264. And Henshaw . . .
265. And Amanda.
266. Try ordering something different from the Chinese takeaway . . .
267. And the Indian takeaway . . .
268. And Domino’s Pizza.
269. Expand vocabulary.
270. Get a wall planner/diary . . .
271. And use it.
272. Book more holid
ays.
273. Mark down dates of next year’s holiday on wall planner.
274. Do something about the enormous bush at the side of the house . . .
275. And the enormous tree.
276. Buy some new bowls that are less like vats.
277. Add Google maps to my browser favourites.
278. Meet people for lunch.
279. Be the one who volunteers.
280. Get rid of all the bits of left-over MDF from when we had the shelves fitted in the basement.
281. Write to the school at the end of our garden about the demon tree.
282. Bluetooth all photos taken on your phone on to your computer.
283. Find out how to bluetooth all your photos taken on your phone on to your computer.
284. Arrange all your journalism cuttings into something resembling an order.
285. Assemble and paint silver surfer.
286. Buy spare mini-DV tapes.
287. Clean office rug as there’s still a slight stain left over from winter vomiting bug of 2002.
288. Buy a Moleskine notebook because Hemingway had one.
289. Use fountain pen.
290. Keep sharp pencils and notepad by bed.
291. Buy a first aid kit.
292. Get rid of all half-empty cans of Lynx body spray . . .
293. And decades’ old Kouros aftershave . . .
294. And all the videotapes containing episodes of Seinfeld taped off the TV made redundant by the advent of DVDs.
295. Stock up with clean drinking water in case of emergency.
296. Find out what else you might need in case of emergency.
297. Read scary government leaflet about what to do in an emergency that you shoved in the drawer by the back door.
298. Wash car more . . .
299. And check tyre pressure . . .
300. And tread depth.
301. Have driveway widened.
302. Find plum-related recipes in hope of using up the twelve containers of plums in the freezer left over from last year’s harvest.
303. See Nadine.
304. Have John and Sue over for dinner . . .
305. And Dave and Maz . . .