by Hazel Kelly
“Just because something feels good doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.”
Those were her words. She told me to think about it, and I was trying. In fact, I think I was starting to understand her position. I tried to imagine being a sexy college graduate who was sleeping with her boss. I tried to imagine what it would feel like to fall for him and believe he didn’t feel the same. I could understand how that would make her vulnerable.
But I didn’t want to give a shit. I was practically conditioned not to. The most important relationships in my life were based on the fact that the other person was vulnerable, that they needed me- whether it was for money or business or sex. Those were the terms on which I was used to working.
And they never failed. Other people were happy to be vulnerable when they knew I had the means to assist them. So why wasn’t Ella? Why was she different? Why did she want the one thing I couldn’t be generous with? My heart, a heart which I had begrudgingly sealed off a long time ago.
I knew that’s what she wanted. She made it perfectly clear. She wanted me to open it up and let her crawl inside and nestle in, but then I would be the vulnerable one. I would be the billionaire idiot who gave his heart to a young woman for safe keeping, a young woman who was impossibly unpredictable and probably had no idea what she wanted out of life.
As far as I was concerned, that sounded too risky. It felt dangerous enough that she’d already cracked it. It was like she knew most of the numbers in the combination lock and wouldn’t stop trying to open it. She was relentless. Every time I had her- every time I made her smile- I put myself more at risk of doing the very thing she wanted.
I let my arms fall to my sides and paced the floor. Once I stopped moving them I could feel that my shoulders were screaming. It was a relief to feel something besides my desire for Ella. I peeled off my gloves, dropped them under the bag, and extended my fingers straight out for the first time in two hours, the same fingers I’d pressed into her flesh so eagerly.
I chugged a glass of water and used the bannister to make my way up the stairs. I was delirious. I turned the shower on like a zombie and stepped inside before it had a chance to heat up. The cool jets blasted the sweat off my face and chilled my body from the outside in.
I lathered the soap and rubbed it over myself, wishing it were her soft hands that were doing it instead of mine. I wondered whether she was sleeping right now. As much as I liked the idea that she would be awake thinking about me, I preferred the idea that she was dreaming something sweet.
I flicked off the water, stepped out of the shower, and made my way to the mirror. I still had soap in my ears. I tilted my head and wiped away the suds. When I righted my head again, I looked in my eyes and wondered if I was an asshole for what I was doing to Ella.
I knew it was my fault that she felt messed up. I’m the one that encouraged her to put her professionalism to one side and have a good time with me. I’m the one that went out of my way to spoil her with more than just my cock, and I’m the one that kept letting her think that even when she gave me everything, it wasn’t enough.
She deserved better than that.
After all, I could have sex with anyone. There were plenty of women who would happily let me fuck them any way I wanted, and they would be happy with what they got. Instead, I picked a young woman who deserved more, and I was trying to see if I could get away with giving her less.
In my heart, I knew that I should either back the fuck off and set her free or step up and give her what she wanted.
Because she was worth it.
I didn’t mean to meet anyone. I never wanted to –dare I say it- love again, but I never thought I would ever meet someone like Ella either. She was so kind, so beautiful, so feminine. The sound of her voice was enough to make my day.
So why was I doing everything in my power to make sure I heard it as little as possible?
It was becoming clearer all the time that I couldn’t have everything and give her nothing in return. The way things were going, she was taking all of the risk on her slim shoulders, and I wasn’t susceptible to any of it.
And I knew she was right. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair as a matter of principle and it wasn’t fair because I knew better. Still, the selfish jerk in me wondered how long I could keep things going the way they were. Why put myself out there if I didn’t absolutely have to? Maybe she would keep putting up with the way things were and we could both keep getting laid.
Of course, the problem with that path was that even if she did settle for whatever I would give her, there was no way to predict how that would impact her impression of me. I didn’t want her to resent me. The fact that she had genuine affection for me made our time together more enjoyable.
I crawled into bed naked and flicked off the light.
For the first time, I was starting to think there was actually something I was more afraid of than giving her what she needed.
And that thing was living without her.
Chapter 17: Ella
“Hey stranger.”
I looked over my shoulder and was greeted by Ben’s smiling face.
“I’ve been trying to call you.”
I took a step forward in the café line. “I know. I’m sorry. I’ve been really busy.”
“Look, I know I should’ve told you who I was but-”
I looked around at the other people in line. “Do you want to have this conversation once we get a table?”
“Sure.”
I pulled out my phone to check the time. “I don’t have long, but we need to talk.”
“I couldn’t agree more.”
“Are you wearing that to work with Paul?” I asked, eyeing his jeans.
“I’m working with Martine today.”
“Oh?” I took another step forward.
“Will thinks it’s important that I understand the attention to detail that goes into every room.”
I nodded. “That makes sense.”
“But I think I’m being punished for taking you out.”
I did my best to suppress a smile. “Punished?”
“Yeah. I’ll tell you about it when we sit down.”
I ordered a caramel latte and a cranberry scone and stepped up to the register.
“Don’t let her pay for that,” he said before Sonia’s fingers came down on the register. “It’s on me.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
Ben rolled his eyes. “And you don’t have to make such a big fuss every time someone tries to do something nice for you.”
“I know but-”
“If it will make you feel better, you can buy me a scone sometime.”
“Okay.” I picked up my order and stepped away from the counter. “Thanks.”
I went to grab a table while he paid for our breakfasts.
He had barely taken his seat when I started grilling him.
“So what were you saying about thinking you were being punished for taking me out?”
“Can I just apologize first for not telling you that my Dad was your boss?”
I took the lid off my drink so it could cool off for a moment.
“I didn’t mention it cause I thought it might freak you out.”
“Pretty shady saying your Mom knows him, too, though, don’t you think?”
Ben shrugged and started unwrapping his delicious smelling breakfast sandwich. “I wasn’t trying to be shady. Just approachable.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“As far as being punished, Will acted even weirder about me taking you out than you did when you found out he was my Dad.”
“What do you mean?”
“I know this is going to sound bizarre, but he basically forbid me from seeing you again.”
I laughed.
“Am I missing something?”
“No. Sorry. It’s not funny. It’s just that he told me I couldn’t see you either.”
“What?!”
“It was before we went to Rockefe
ller, though, so little good that did him.”
“I don’t know where he gets off thinking he can control people like that.”
“I know.”
“I’m sure it’s part of why he’s been so successful, but he could really alienate people by treating them that way.”
I sighed. “I couldn’t agree more.”
“You didn’t get in trouble for seeing me, though, did you?” He took a bite of his sandwich. “Fuck.”
“Did you burn yourself?”
“The cheese in this thing is like lava.” He set it down and looked at it like it was a puppy that just bit him.
“What do you mean did I get in trouble?”
“I told him you didn’t do anything wrong.” He stuck his tongue out for a second and fanned it. “I know you care about this job and I didn’t want-”
“I appreciate your concern, Ben, but I can handle him myself.”
“I don’t doubt that.” He leaned back in his chair. “The point is, I’m willing to completely disregard his old fashioned policy in order to take you out again.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Why?” His brows came together. “I thought we had a good time the other night.”
“We did. We had a great time.”
“What’s the problem then? Are you scared of what Will might do if he finds out?”
“It’s not that. I’m not scared of Will.”
“Cause it’s none of his business.”
“I know. The problem is that I care about him.”
“So what? That doesn’t mean we can’t go out. The worst thing you can do is let him think it’s okay to boss you around and tell you what to do in your personal life.”
“I don’t think you understand.” I fixed my eyes on Ben. “I care about him.”
He tilted his head to the side. “You care about him?”
I nodded.
He swallowed. “Are you dating him or something?”
I shook my head.
“Oh god.” He put his hands on his head and looked around. Then he laid them flat on the table and leaned forward. “Are you trying to tell me that there is something going on between you guys?”
“Was.”
“So you and he have-”
“I don’t think it’s necessary to spell it out.”
He shook his head. “Wow.”
I took a sip of my drink and hoped he would rein it in.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything,” I said, lowering my voice. “In fact, I would prefer that you didn’t.”
“I feel like such an idiot.”
“You shouldn’t.”
“It’s like everybody knew but me.”
“No. Will was the only one who knew and he didn’t tell either of us.”
“That’s fucked up.”
“I know. I had no idea until you told me, and I’m sorry I didn’t handle it very well, but-”
“I’m glad you told me.”
“Good. Because I would’ve preferred not to all things considered.”
“So why did you?”
“Because I figured if I made up a bogus excuse why I couldn’t go out with you again, you would’ve been even more determined to take me out.”
He looked up for a second. “You’re probably right.”
“Please don’t say anything, though. If you let it slip, I could lose my job- or worse- the respect of my colleagues.”
He nodded. “I understand.”
I pursed my lips.
“For the record, if you hadn’t already bonked my-”
“Ben!”
“Sorry. If you hadn’t already, ya know, you would totally go out with me again, though, right?”
I smiled. “Yes, of course.”
He stuck out his lower lip and nodded, obviously pleased that he hadn’t struck out. “So are you guys still-”
“No.”
“What happened?”
I opened my mouth to speak.
“You realized he was a control freak and ended things?”
“Not exactly.”
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “Things just kind of-” I was going to say fizzled out, but that was a bigger lie than I was prepared to tell. “We don’t want the same things.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“Sorry?”
“Is that some kind of bullshit he spun at you?”
“No, it’s just-”
“Of course you want the same things.”
I put a piece of scone in my mouth and willed him to go on.
“Everybody on the planet wants the same things.”
“Is that so?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
“Enlighten me then. What does everyone want?”
“Sex and love and security.”
I laughed. “That’s all, is it?”
“I realize my life experience is limited, but I think that pretty much sums it up.”
I swallowed.
He picked up his sandwich again. “Isn’t that what you want?”
“I suppose.”
“I’m sure Will wants those things, too.”
I shrugged.
“Of course, he does. He might want more than that, but nobody wants less.”
“Perhaps.” I scooped some whipped cream out of my drink with a piece of scone. “But that doesn’t change the fact that he doesn’t want those things with me.”
Ben shook his head. “Why not?”
“I wish I knew, Ben.” I wish I knew.
Chapter 18: Will
“What the fuck, Will?” Ben said as he stormed into my office without knocking.
I held up my middle finger with the hand that wasn’t holding the phone. “I couldn’t agree more, Daniel. Give me twenty four hours so I can make sure the return will be worth it, and I’ll get back in touch.”
Ben closed the door and walked to the center of the room, standing with his feet wide like he was ready to fight me.
“I know. Yeah, it’s just that something’s come up that requires my immediate attention.” I lowered my hand. “Okay. Okay. First thing tomorrow.” I hung up and stared at Ben. “How dare you barge into my office like that. There better be a fucking emergency.”
“Oh there is,” he said, crossing his arms. “Your bullshit has reached a critical level.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“I know we’ve got our problems and that we don’t exactly have the perfect relationship-”
“Oh here we go.”
“But you didn’t have to kick things off by bullshitting me.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Ella. I’m talking about Ella.”
“What about her?”
“Why didn’t you just tell me?”
“Tell you what?”
He brought his hands to his head. “That you had- whatever- history with her?”
“It’s none of your business.”
“It is if I was going after her.”
“I told you not to.”
“You told me jack shit.”
I clenched my jaw.
“You think I want your sloppy seconds? Sorry- not that she’s sloppy- but you know what I mean.”
“I’m afraid I don’t.”
“I wouldn’t have pursued her if I knew, Will. That’s all. You made me look like a fool.”
“I’m sure you did that by yourself.”
“Really? Because -sorry I can’t go out with you. I have feelings for your dad- is not how I’m used to getting dumped.”
I tilted my head at him.
“Don’t make that smug face. I’m not used to getting dumped period.”
“If you say so,” I said.
“If you knew she cared about you, why wouldn’t you tell me that and save me from-”
“Is that what she said? That she cares a
bout me?”
Ben shook his head and collapsed in one of my chairs. “Yeah. That’s what she said.”
“What else did she say?”
“She said it’s over.”
I swallowed.
“And it sounds to me like it’s your fault.”
“What gave you that impression?”
“She said you don’t want the same things.”
I leaned back in my chair.
“But that’s just more of your bullshit isn’t it?”
“Watch your fucking language.”
“Whatever. It is though.”
“It’s not.”
“Well I know what she wants.”
“Oh really?” I leaned forward and brought my hands together. “How’s that?”
“Cause I guessed!” He threw his hands in the air. “And she told me I was right.”
I pulled at my collar to try and cool off my neck.
“Don’t you want to know what she said?”
“Sure,” I said. “What does she want?”
“Sex and love and security.”
I sighed.
“Forgive me if I’m wrong, but those are all things you could probably give her if you wanted.”
He was right, but I didn’t appreciate him telling me how I should live my life.
“And I know what you want, too.”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah.”
“And what do I want, Ben? Since you know me so well all of a sudden.”
“You want her.”
I looked down at my desk.
“Or you wouldn’t be carrying on like this.”
“Carrying on like what?”
“Don’t be stupid. If it was only about sex, you wouldn’t give a shit who she went out with- even if it was me.”
“So?”
“So you’re blowing it.”
I couldn’t believe he had the nerve to speak to me that way.
“Honestly, Will. If you don’t want her, you’re not as smart as I thought you were.”
“It’s not that I don’t want her.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“I don’t want a relationship.”
“You’re already in one!”
“I’m not.”
“Yes you are, but right now it’s all about hurting her instead of making her happy.”
“That’s not true.”
“Tell yourself whatever you want, but I know a woman whose hurting when I see one.”