He huffed and his silent laughter warmed my heart. Who was I kidding? I was exceptionally glad to see him any time I could.
But what about Ramon? Look what he's capable of. You can't trust him. The doubting voice whispered to me.
His laughter abruptly stopped, and I glanced up expecting to see him smirking at me. His eyes held mine in a look that spoke volumes. His eyes widened, letting me in, challenging me to look if I dared. Did I want to look inside and see the real Killian? Could I handle the truth? Not now…
I was so scared that night.
Of me. His tone was flat, almost angry. Oblivious to everyone else, his eyes bored into mine, an electric spark from across the room.
I couldn’t meet his eyes and lowered mine. Yes.
Damn it, look at me! Why didn’t you talk to me? After all we’ve been through? You know you can talk to me!
You killed that man…Ramon. For nothing! How could you?
He pushed away from the wall and stalked over to me, face white with fury. Startled, Sean leaped to his feet and Killian stopped. “Get up. It’s time for you and me to have a real conversation.”
“What do you think you’re doing? Let her be.” Sean and Dec both spoke up at once.
Killian shrugged off their objections and pointed at me. “We have unfinished business, her and I. Let’s go. Now!”
I wasn’t afraid of him, usually. But at the moment, I was weak and he was pissed at me and I was just a tiny bit afraid of his power. I stood up but didn’t move towards him.
Holding out his hand, he exhaled through his nose and said in a more reasonable tone, “I can’t make you. I’m asking you. Please.”
“I’ll be right back.” I kissed Sean on the lips and held out my hand to Killian.
He gripped my hand securely in his. I heard him say, “Don’t count on it!” as we vanished into the dark.
Chapter 11: Healing and Forgiveness
ONE SECOND WE WERE IN THE PENTHOUSE in Manhattan and the next we were...here. Curious, I looked around at the green hillside and was lost. There were no houses or buildings of any kind in any direction I turned. There was nothing but green hills to the east and flat rocky land to the west. Cold wind swept down on us blowing my hair in my eyes. As I automatically tried to put it in a ponytail, I remembered my hair was gone and lowered my hand slowly with a sigh. I was still holding Killian’s hand and let it go.
“Where are we?” I whispered. It felt like holy land.
He laughed loudly and threw his hands out. “You don’t have to whisper. Who’s going to hear us?”
He looked so happy I thought he might have come unhinged during our flight.
“Afraid not, babe. I’m just free here.”
“Okay, can you please stop reading my mind? Here, at least? I need to know my thoughts can be private. I might have secrets…from you.”
He considered that for a minute and said seriously, “I do have secrets from you. But maybe I can share a few of them while we’re here.” He stepped closer to me and lifted my chin so he could look into my face. “Can you keep another secret? Mine?”
I wasn’t sure of his mood just then. Was he serious? Was he joking? I said, “You’d ask me that after what that demon did to me? I died protecting your secrets.”
His eyes clouded and he let go of my chin. “That was thoughtless of me. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way.”
Turning away, I said, “I know…I’m a little raw right now. Can we get out of this wind before I freeze to death?”
“I know just the place. Come on.” He grabbed my hand and led me down the hillside into a jumble of ancient rocks. The grey rocks were leaning on each other like the ruins of an old castle. As we approached the pile, a feeling of complete calm settled over me and I felt light and warm. It felt oddly holy here. The very air seemed to shimmer with life.
“Killian, what is this place?”
He turned and spread his arms. “Home sweet home.” Smiling hugely, he added, “Dip your hands in the water before you cross the threshold. It’s custom.”
He gestured to a shallow basin that formed the top of a stone near a crack in the rock. It was little more than an indention in the stone; it could’ve been carved out by dripping rainwater over centuries. But I had a feeling it was made by the hands of men. Looking closer, I could see the crack was wider than it looked. I looked sideways at him and he gestured with a sweep of his arm.
“Go ahead. Hell, I’m an angel. What kind of trouble do you think I’d get you into?”
He had a point. I carefully dipped my hands in the basin and sluiced water over my hands and wrists. I felt compelled to clean myself completely before entering this place. Killian noticed and nodded with approval. He did the same and ducked inside. A minute later, he pulled me in after him. It was dark as a cave. Afraid to move, I hovered just inside the entrance.
“Wait there.” I heard a scratching sound and a small light appeared. Killian held a shallow bowl that was full of light so I could see. It put off a surprising amount of light.
“What’s in the bowl?”
“Moonlight,” he said with a perfectly straight face.
“Uh-huh. Yeah, sure.” It was like a temple inside. There was a stone altar and carved pots sitting around it. Painted runes lined the altar and the walls. I had no idea what the red markings said, but I knew this place was very old.
“You might as well get comfortable. We’ll be here for a while.” With a gracefulness I’ve never possessed, he slid to a reclining position on the floor. He patted the dirt next to him.
“Let me get this straight. We’re alone, in the middle of nowhere, in God knows what time, and you didn’t pack blankets or food. And you accuse me of being flighty?”
“You’ll be warm and I can get food when we need it. We’ll be okay, I swear. Now sit.”
He was lying on his side propped up on his elbow. I lay opposite him so we could talk face to face. The moonlight did interesting things to the planes of his face though and I had trouble listening to his words.
After a few minutes he said, “Why are you staring at my face? You’re not hearing me, are you?”
I blushed to the roots of my pixie hair. “It’s the moonlight. I can’t concentrate.”
“Fine. Come over here and you can look the other way.”
I ended up lying on my side with my back against his chest. I could feel his breath tickling the back of my neck while he talked. Every time he breathed his chest expanded against my back and a tingle of electricity spiraled down my spine to my toes. I knew exactly how hard the muscles of his chest were and how far down the happy trail went…Oh, Jesus.
“I have to sit up.” I hopped up and sat cross-legged a safe distance away. I didn’t care if I froze to death or not. His nearness was killing me. He seemed completely unaffected by me. Was he so immune? Maybe he was. He was ancient, after all. Did they make Viagra for 3,000-year-old soldiers-of-Heaven?
He eyed me strangely but didn’t comment. Instead, he said, “Enough small talk. I brought you here because I care about you and I hate fighting with you.” He raised an eyebrow and added, “Yes, I said it. Tell anyone I did and I’ll just deny it. You’ll only look stupid and lovesick so you should probably keep your mouth shut.” The eyebrow came back down.
“You don’t understand everything you probably should about us. So let’s talk about some things. First of all, I didn’t kill Ramon.” He held up his hand and my audio cut out. My mouth moved in argument, but no sound came out.
Eyes throwing daggers at him, I clamped my lips together. There was no point in pushing it; I’d get audio back when he was ready to hear me.
“Ramon is perfectly happy living a new life. He’s working at a Best Buy selling cell phones in Houston. I swear!” He crossed his heart and waved his hand imperiously. “Go ahead, you have questions. Ask.”
“But you were hurting him. I saw you.”
“True statement. The process isn’t easy but it’s worth it.
In simple terms, I reprogrammed his memory. I retrieved all of the memories of his criminal activities so we could figure out who hired him to attack us. I’ve been told that it is…unpleasant…to have your memories siphoned off. He didn’t seem to like it much so it’s probably painful.” He shrugged a shoulder. He didn’t really care if it hurt or not.
“After I retrieved the memories, I erased them from his mind. I erased each memory of every evil or even criminal act he’d done. In his case, there were a lot of memories. That’s what really hurts--the erasing part. Most people faint from the pain.”
My mouth hung open, and he reached over and closed it with a long, lean finger. “But--”
“He’s got his other memories, and he’ll move ahead in his life doing good things or at least, not doing bad things. He won’t recognize his old criminal friends and get into trouble. He’s in a new city with a fresh start. And, we’ve got a lot of helpful information. It was a win-win. Now, isn’t that better than killing him?”
He was so smug.
I wanted to smack him in the head.
He burst out laughing and said, “Come on, babe. You made a mistake. It’s all right. You’re only human, after all.”
“You are such a…such a…” I was at a loss. He was right. I’d made a mistake and what a colossal mistake it was. If I hadn’t jumped to conclusions, if I would’ve trusted Killian, I wouldn’t have been so freaked out. I wouldn’t have left them.
“All of this pain…it’s my fault. I should’ve asked what happened. I jumped to stupid conclusions. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” I walked over to one of the walls and stopped. I wanted to lean against it, but that seemed disrespectful, so I stood awkwardly and let my shoulders slump. “You guys could’ve died because of my stupidity, having to rescue me again! I’m an idiot.”
In the space of a heartbeat, he was standing behind me. He eased me back and rested his chin on my head. Rubbing little circles on my arm, he said, “This isn’t your fault.”
Turning me around, he asked, “Do you blame yourself for this demon snatching you off the streets?”
When I didn’t answer him, he shook me and said harshly, “Not your fault! This is what evil is, Mica! Demons prey on people. They use people for their own agendas. They tried to use you to get to us. My God, if it’s anybody’s fault, it’s ours. Primani and demons are ancient enemies. We’ve fought each other since Adam and Eve got thrown out of Eden. It’s the nature of things. Good and evil will always be enemies. But it’s our job to protect humans and it was our job, my job, to protect you.”
Oddly formal, he declared, “It is I who needs to beg for your forgiveness.” His eyes reflected the moonlight as he looked steadily into mine.
Searching his face, I saw the lines and the dark circles under his eyes and I knew them for what they were. They were scars from his self-inflicted wounds. He was in agony when I disappeared. He hadn’t slept, he probably hadn’t eaten. He worried and he accepted the blame like he did when we lost Sean. How many nights did we sit in silence touching our fingers together, just to share the guilt, the feeling of bone-deep grief? There had been no words of comfort. Just the barest touch of physical contact to remind us we still lived. How many days did we bury the grief and rage by throwing ourselves into training and hunting so we could be exhausted enough to sleep without nightmares?
And how often did that work?
I whispered, “You give too much; let me give something to you.”
I reached out and cupped his face in my hand. He sighed softly and closed his eyes as I traced the strong lines of his cheek and jaw. Light as a feather, I erased the circles under his eyes and soothed the sharp crease between his brows. My fingertips were warm and strong as I took away the tension that banded his forehead.
Then, very gently, I ran my thumbs over the silky skin of his eyelids. Soft and delicate, the skin protected his most dangerous weapon. He stiffened when I slid both palms down the tight muscles in his neck but then relaxed when I stopped. Breathing slowly and deeply, I released my energy into his shoulders. I let my mind wander as my saol flowed through him. I felt the rise and fall of his chest as his breathing slowed. His heart beat against my chest, its rhythm powerful and steady.
Looking down, I saw the faint glow had already encircled us both, and he was asleep on his feet. Satisfied by the very tiniest hint of softness in his expression, I lifted my hands and pulled my saol back to me. As the last of the glow faded to moonlight, I tugged his hand and pulled him down to the floor. He was so tired, he simply followed me. Curling up in front of him, I shivered with the sudden chill of the earth floor. Without a word, he draped an arm around me and pulled me back against him. Like all males, including supernatural ones, he burned with his own private furnace. His heat made me drowsy and I started to drift off. Maybe it should worry me that we fit together like a lock and key, but it didn’t. Completely sure of him, I closed my eyes and slept like the dead.
“Come on, there’s something I want you to see!” Killian paused at the top of a slope and waited for me to catch up. The noon sun glinted off of his black hair and caught the sparkle in his eyes. He was so happy here and his happiness was infectious. I grinned and picked up my pace.
“You’re getting slow!” he commented when I finally caught up to him.
“You’ve got supernatural powers. It’s an unfair advantage.”
The view from here was pretty incredible. The slope was covered in purple heather and ended at the sea. “Oh, it’s beautiful! Can we get closer? Please?”
Laughing at me, he said, “Sure, why not? It is beautiful, isn’t it?”
We picked our way to the rocky shore, and only one of us managed to stay dry. I was wringing out my socks and vainly wondering if my butt looked fat in my wet yoga pants. They were cotton and clung like second skin. Since I didn’t know I was taking a Tolkien-like journey, I was wearing black yoga pants, a tank top and a hoodie. I had tennis shoes on my feet. These weren’t the best shoes for hiking the heather, but at least I wasn’t wearing flip-flops.
Back from rock hopping, Killian draped himself on top of a dry rock and leaned back into the sun. Waves crashed incessantly against the rocks as they tried to reclaim the land. I closed my eyes and gave my senses to the ocean. Salt tickled my tongue, waves crashed in my ears, fine cold spray dotted my face and the blue, oh, the blue of the water was heaven. It was the exact shade of Primani eyes. Was it only Irish-born Primani? Hmmm.
“Killian? Do you get your eyes from the ocean?” I asked sleepily.
He snorted and said, “Aye, lass, and my luxurious hair from a wee silkie.”
“Your eyes are the exact color of this water.”
He sat up and blinked at me. “Really? Funny, that. Yours are too.”
“No, they aren’t. Mine aren’t that…uh, blue.” I blushed and turned away.
“That’s not what you were going to say. I thought we had no secrets here?” His voice teased like a caress.
“I was going to say ‘beautiful,’ but I didn’t want to stroke your ego any more. God knows it’s big enough.” I stuck out my tongue for good measure.
He just laughed and said, “You used the words ‘stroke’ and ‘big’ in the same sentence. Did you have something on your mind?” He leaned back enticingly and patted his lap in invitation.
“Pig!” I couldn’t help laughing at the exaggerated leer on his face.
Slipping over to my rock, he made himself comfortable. “Something’s bothering me.” I nodded and he continued. “The demon had to know you were in the city. The usual trackers either physically follow you around or they use a tracer. Tracers can be physical or psychic.”
“How would someone put a psychic tracer on me? Wouldn’t I know?”
“No, you wouldn’t unless you know what to look for. Have you noticed any changes in your thoughts? Any ideas that might push you away from home, something that isn’t quite you? If they wanted to get you to the city, pushing you there would be the easi
est way. You come on your own and you’re easier to get to. With us around, well, that’s a harder way to go.”
I thought back to the little voices I’d heard. I’d thought they were my own thoughts, insecurities…“Well, the night of the break in, I had a really, really bad dream where you guys made Sean kill me and burned my body. “I described what I remembered of the dream. “I felt betrayed when I woke up.”
His face blanched, “That’s some dream.” He thought for a minute and asked about voices in my head. “Not schizophrenic voices, but the little nagging doubts that aren’t really true to your nature. They’d hit you when your defenses are down.”
Slowly, I said, “Maybe. I regretted leaving as soon as I got to the penthouse. After the weird scene with James, I wanted to call Sean, but something kept telling me you guys didn’t care about me. I argued about that. I know you guys care about me. But the little voice was convincing enough that I decided not to call that night. Then I wanted to call later, and the voice hinted that you didn’t really want me on the team or trust me with anything important. After all, you’d all left me there alone and gone out on a mission without me. It hurt my feelings and I decided not to call.”
Amusement glittered in his eyes, but he smothered a smile with his hand. “So, let me get this straight. You had a mental argument with yourself and you lost?”
“All I can say to that is wow,” he added.
“Oh, funny. That’s not exactly how it went. The voice wasn’t so obvious. There were just little suggestions that played into my fears. I’m already insecure. It wasn’t hard to play on that.” I stretched and yawned. “Wow that really pisses me off when I think about it. Do you think it’s the same demon who tried to kill me?”
“Not sure yet. We’ll work it out though. We can’t let this go without a reaction. It would tip the scales in their favor. Not to mention, none of us will rest until we’ve blown that demon back to Hell.”
Totally changing the subject, he asked, “Are you getting hungry yet?”
The Lost Soul Trilogy (Primani Book 5) Page 38