Who’s to say what vengeance should be?
Heavy boots broke the silence as the paramedics burst into the room with a police officer right behind them. With tears streaming down my face and blood on my hands, I shook my head silently at their questioning looks. Unable to resist, I gently closed his eyelids and whispered, “Go in peace.”
Sean’s hand closed over my elbow, and I let him lead me away. The policeman had questions for us, and I stood numbly while Sean and Dec described how we’d found him. Shivering in the cold wind blowing off of the lake, I hugged myself and turned my face towards it. The icy air numbed my skin, but it would take more than that to numb my heart.
I wanted to feel nothing.
I wanted to drift off into the snow and lose myself in it. After all these years of wanting Scott gone from my life, I realized that I never wanted him dead. Death was permanent; it was unforgiving. What he’d done to me was terrible, yes; he’d scarred me for years. But it was his attack that changed my destiny and brought Sean into my life. Scott had changed my life in ways I wouldn’t ever trade.
I’d forgiven him.
I was having a hard time reconciling him to the brutal murders of my look-alikes. His dying was excruciating and watching him suffer reminded me that I am human, and therefore, fragile. Sitting beside him, I felt his suffering with every heartbeat that ended his life. When he spoke of Lia, I sensed his grief even cloaked as it was by tequila. He truly cared about her. He might have even loved her.
How could he murder her so brutally?
How could I have forgiven someone who was capable of that? That didn’t make sense in my heart. I felt no sense of victory, no sense of righteousness.
Scott Flynn was dead and I was hollow inside.
Chapter 18: Bah Humbug!
“YOU HAVE TO GO see your parents. They’ll be upset if you blow off Christmas.” Sean was subtly nagging at me again. It was nearly Christmas, and I still haven’t committed.
“They’ll survive.” My voice was curt. Side-stepping the issue, I pointed to the dishes and asked why I was stuck with them again.
He flushed, with anger or embarrassment, I couldn’t tell for sure. “I’ll do them. I was going to do them earlier, but I got sidetracked.” His patronizing tone was irritating me.
“Is it safe to come in?” Dec asked from around the corner.
Grinding my teeth, I snapped, “Are you afraid I’m going to blow you up, Dec?”
With a hurt expression, Dec slowly edged into the room. His eyes met Sean’s and they did their silent communication thing. Sean sighed and said, “You’re right.”
Sighing heavily, he said, “This has to stop, Mica. We’re walking around here on eggshells.” He took me by the hands. “Let’s sit down and talk. You haven’t said a word to either of us since Flynn died.”
Feeling cornered, I backed up. “I don’t want to talk about it. There’s nothing to say.”
“I think there’s plenty to say. We know you, remember? Shutting us out isn’t helpful. Don’t make me intrude on your thoughts. You know I can read them if I want to.” He added uncomfortably, “Don’t make the mistake of thinking I won’t do that if I have to.”
“You said you’d never do that!”
He corrected me, “No, I didn’t. I told you I didn’t want to do that and I haven’t so far. But damn it, Mica! We can’t afford to keep secrets in this family! You, of all people, understand what can happen inside your head.”
Dec added quietly, “You’re tearing my guts out walking around here like a zombie. It’s been two weeks. I can’t stand it. It’s like you’ve died too.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. Guilt nudged at me though, and I looked at them, really looked at them, for the first time in a couple of weeks. Dec wasn’t exaggerating about his feelings. His puppy-dog eyes were pleading as they met mine. He was always more sensitive than the others and tended to feel extreme emotions as if they were his own. Sean would walk through fire for me if that’s what it took to snap me out of this mood. Worry was clearly etched on his face, but he wanted to give me room to work through my feelings. He did know me well; it would take time for me to sort things out. At the moment, I was still struggling with what my feelings were…I thought back to the funeral last week.
It had been freezing cold, the air heavy with the threat of another storm. The cemetery was on the outskirts of Hope Falls in the middle of the Adirondacks. Feeling disconnected and fragile, I wanted to go alone so I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone. Sean and Dec had flatly refused to let me go alone. The drive had been endless as the grey and white scenery blurred past the windows. I struggled to wrap my mind around Lia’s senseless death. Her face intruded in my mind’s eye when my guard was down; big blue eyes staring sadly into her drink waiting for Scott.
Had she known what was going to happen?
Was she dead before he ripped her apart?
My imagination gladly filled in the details, and my dreams were plagued by her eyes bulging in terror as she died at the hands of the man who died in my own. In the worst of these dreams, my own face blended with hers until I wasn’t sure which of us was dying. I couldn’t seem to move on from this, and my mood had been bleak in the week leading up to the funeral.
Due to the terrible weather, the funeral service was held inside a tiny chapel instead of near the grave. Stained glass depictions of Jesus with his disciples lined one wall while an image of the angel Michael was centered on the other wall. The dim winter’s sunlight washed out the colors so they seemed lifeless and cold. Michael’s unforgiving eyes followed me, and I averted my gaze. A cold chill crawled down my neck and I pulled my coat more tightly around me. Not wanting to intrude on her family’s grief, we sat in the back pews. No one noticed us and no one spoke to us. Lia’s family was devastated and hollow-eyed in the front pews. She had two older brothers whose angry eyes promised vengeance as they held up their heartbroken mother. I looked away.
I couldn’t look them in the eyes knowing we could’ve saved her. There must have been a way we could’ve saved her…
Dec and Sean sat on either side of me trying to bolster me up. Dec leaned against me and tried to calm me with his saol. I put my hand on his knee and shook my head. I didn’t want anyone to mask my pain. I needed to feel it. Lia’s death had been vicious; the least I could do was feel miserable for a little while. Seeing my stubborn expression, Dec withdrew his energy and just loaned me his body heat.
Sean held my hand when the service began. The gray-haired minister spoke of Lia’s beautiful young spirit and of loss too soon. He spoke of God’s love and forgiveness for the one who’d taken her life. Among the murmured protests, her mother’s keening wail of pain sent shivers down my neck, and I struggled for control of my own emotions. Abruptly barraged by waves of intense emotions swirling around the chapel, I dug my nails into the back of my hand trying to distract my mind. Rage and sadness bombarded me from all sides, and I tried desperately to block it out. But like the impending storm, the grief came relentlessly and threatened to swallow me whole.
As Lia’s family bowed their heads in grief, many praying on their knees, I wept into my own hands. Sean pulled me against his shoulder and held me while I cried. I heard nothing of the rest of the service, closed inside my own mind as I was. Feeling like I would shatter into a million pieces, I closed my eyes and said my own prayer. Oddly, it was Michael’s face that came to me when my pleading became desperate.
Terrifying and beautiful, his eyes burned as his answer seared into my mind.
You pray for peace, little warrior? There will be no peace for you.
His cold words tore my heart out, and I raised my eyes to the stained glass image and whispered, “No!”
Falling to my knees, I prayed desperately, “Please, Michael, I don’t know what you want from me. Tell me what you want!” Tears ran down my face as my heart twisted with the pain of knowing he spoke the truth. But why was there no peace for me? What had I done to deserve th
is?
Was I damned?
“I need…peace…please!” My voice shook with the effort to hold back the grief of Lia’s family before it swamped the rest of my thoughts completely.
I pressed my hands over my ears to shut them out. His voice came to me again. This time, the fierceness was softened by the hope of his words.
Do not fear the suffering. It is the pain of others that will strengthen you for what you must do. You will do well.
Later, as the gleaming wooden casket was lowered into the ground, I stared straight ahead without seeing. With both Dec and Sean holding my elbows, I nodded my head and said the appropriate words at the graveside. Afterwards, they helped me to the car, and we headed for home. Like all of the mourners there that day, I was forever changed.
Sean’s soft prompting brought me out of my reverie. “Mica? Please…”
With a shuddering breath, I said, “Michael came to me.”
Sean said, “Michael? The Michael? What did he say to you? Do you remember?” His tone was even, but his little finger was tapping against his thigh.
Sitting on the counter, I finally explained what had happened at the chapel. When I’d finished with my story, they exchanged a knowing look.
Dec was the first to say something. “You do know what an honor that is, don’t you? Michael spoke to you…that’s amazing. He’s never even talked to me!” He dragged me into a hug and added with a crooked grin, “No worries, darlin’. This just means we have some work to do with you if we’re going to help you learn to control this.”
Sean agreed. “At least we know you’re not going to fail.” He winked and smiled easily. “He doesn’t lie.”
The mall was packed with last minute holiday shoppers. I couldn’t find a parking spot anywhere near the entrance and ended up walking blocks to get to work. I came in at 10:00 and had been standing behind the cash register ever since. I shifted my weight to the other foot and glanced longingly at the clock.
“Will these people go home already?” Gina grouched under her breath. She and I were the only ones on the registers and the line was out the door.
“I know, right? Why are they still shopping?” I agreed. “It’s two days before Christmas. They should be done by now.” I plastered a smile on my face and waved the next lady forward. She had a basket full of bottles and maroon hair. I did a mental eye roll and sighed. The line was still growing.
With my attention focused on ringing up endless bottles of body lotions, I nearly missed Dani’s tentative wave from the back of the store. Gina elbowed me and told me I had company.
“Dani! Come up here.” I waved and invited her to the register.
She stepped around the counter, gave me a quick hug and said, “Are we still on for tonight? I’m dying to talk to you!” The sparkle in her eyes hinted at something juicy.
Uh-oh, that usually meant a new man. I gave the customer her change and waved the next one forward. I had only one more hour to go. I told Dani I’d meet her and she took off. As I handed my customer her bags, I noticed Dani talking to someone in the entrance of the store. His face was in profile, but I wouldn’t mistake him from any direction. Growling under my breath, I stared holes into his face until he turned around. With a look of innocence, he draped his arm around Dani and led her away into the sea of people.
An hour later, I was finally free. I wished Gina a Merry Christmas and stepped into the back room to call Sean. Sounding out of breath, he picked up on the fourth ring.
Smiling to myself, I teased, “Whoa! Don’t you need me for that?”
I felt him laughing through the phone as he replied, “Nope. I’ve gotten along without you for years! Jealous?”
Geez! Dork. “Not hardly. It’s just more fun for me when I get to help.”
Long pause.
“Is that so? When are you coming home tonight?” His voice was silky with a promise that curled my toes. Suddenly it was very hot in here…
“I’ll be home in 20 minutes if you’re promising something interesting.”
“No way, babe! You go finish shopping and hang with Dani. I have things to do with Dec.” He paused and lowered his voice to nearly a whisper, “Bring home something sexy for later!”
After making an absurd promise to go to the Victoria’s Secret store, which was jam packed with people, I finally took off to meet Dani. She saw me coming and got up to wave me over. Her face glowed with a look I knew was written on my own. Linking arms, we took off to dash in and out of some stores during the dinnertime lull. I hadn’t done much shopping, so I had to get a lot of presents. Luckily cash was an acceptable option for my siblings. We ran into Macy’s and I picked up some perfume for Janet and cologne for Dad. Dani’s gift was already wrapped. I’d gotten her a really cool black and white photograph of an underground tunnel with a backdrop of the Manhattan skyline at night. The shot was surreal and I knew she’d love it. For the guys…I made them each something special. I’d worked on their gifts off and on since the beginning of summer. I was bouncing up and down already thinking about their faces when they opened them.
“Okay, so now will you tell me what’s so exciting?” I asked after we’d finally stopped to eat. We were sitting in the food court surrounded by a tableful of toddlers who were too exhausted to do anything but scream. Rubbing my pinched toes, I thought I could relate.
Scanning the huge food court like she was expecting someone else, Dani’s attention had wandered. She craned her neck towards the front entrance. I snapped my fingers under her nose, and she jumped with a hand to her throat. Her tinkling laugh was contagious, and I found myself laughing with her.
“It’s a guy,” she announced.
No shit.
It always starts out with the same three words…it’s a guy. Mentally straightening my expression to look supportive, I asked, “What’s his name? Do I know him?”
Please don’t be James; please don’t be James!
Gushing with excitement, she said, “He’s so sweet! You wouldn’t believe how much he understands me. It’s like, he just gets me. You know? He knows what I’m feeling before I do. It’s like we’re…soul mates. I think I’m falling for him.”
Please don’t be James, please don’t be James…
Forcing my mouth to form a smile, I prodded, “Wow! He sounds awesome. Does this perfect man have a name?”
Shooting out of her chair, she squealed with delight, “James! Over here!” Her entire face lit up like a roman candle as she watched him come over.
Why am I not surprised?
My heart sank like the Titanic. With a loud mental groan, I watched as he made his way around the tables. With both eyes on Dani, he moved with a tension I recognized. He was hyper-alert, but kept his smile lazy. What was he up to? Why Dani? Since when did he date humans? I thought he was tied up with Alex’s missions these days. The whole special ops division was out looking for Dagin and Sgaine Dutre. Surely he didn’t have time for a girlfriend?
He ignored me completely as he pulled her into his arms and kissed her possessively. Her face was flushed by the time he set her away from him. He whispered something against her ear that brought a rosy blush across her chest and up her neck. She quickly glanced at me and replied under her breath. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but the eye contact and body language was pretty obvious.
“What’s the matter, Mica? You look pissed,” James commented drily.
Dick.
“I just got a text from Killian,” I lied, holding up the phone. “Get home now!” I made a show of typing a text message and dropped the phone back into my purse.
“He’s such an asshole. Why do you let him boss you around?” Dani asked. She was speaking to me, but her attention was clearly on James. He had a hand around the back of her neck and was running his thumb up and down. Her eyes were about to roll back in her head. Oh, my God! Really people? In the food court?
James’ eyes met mine but he continued to stroke her. He asked, “Yeah, Mica. Why do you p
ut up with Killian?”
Something in his insinuating tone sent a warning bell ringing in the back of my mind, and I absently rubbed my rune. He caught the movement and gave me a chilly smirk. Without taking his eyes off of mine, he leaned over and whispered in Dani’s ear. She blushed hotly and giggled. Unable to look away from the train wreck, I was horrified to see his hand graze the top of her breasts. Instead of slapping his hand or snapping at him, she gazed at him with love in her eyes. Ewww. I was going to puke.
Standing abruptly, I announced, “Hey, gotta go. Duty calls and I have to wrap. Dani, I’ll talk to you later. Be careful driving home.” I disengaged her from James and gave her a very sisterly hug. “Behave yourself!” I hissed with a fake smile.
The sound of raised voices greeted me when I walked through the door. Amused, I stood in the doorway listening as they argued over the best way to kill demons.
Dec’s accent grew stronger as he argued with Sean. I wasn’t even sure they were speaking English at all. He was saying, “…and blowing them up scatters them. You know they can’t bring themselves back together again!”
Sean stood with arms crossed and looked down his nose. “Oh? And if that’s such the best idea then why do we have the silver knives to begin with?”
“Think about it, aye! You can always blow them up if your hands are tied.” He snorted with derision at the thought of relying on a weapon.
Sean’s tone turned a bit surly. “Oh? And at what point would you have your hands tied? It would be the height of stupidity to get tied up.”
I interrupted, “I thought you needed your hands to blow up the demons. Don’t you have to focus the power through your hands?”
“No, sweetheart, you don’t,” Dec confirmed.
As soon as he heard my voice, Sean decided to light a fire in the fireplace. He kept his back turned as he arranged the logs and kindling. Carefully feeding the fire, he took his time as I got more and more suspicious.
“Why do you always look so suspicious?” Dec asked with a grin. “Come on, lass. I’ll help you put away your bags.” Without waiting for an answer, he walked me back out to the porch.
The Lost Soul Trilogy (Primani Book 5) Page 50