“I’m okay. It’s really hard to explain, but I was abducted.” Man, this is rough. “I was unwell anyway. I just wanted to let you know I love you. All of you. Dad, Dan, Kia, Nan, Pop. Please tell them I love them and I miss you all every day.”
“Where are you, Sean? Come home! Just please come home! We can find you! We love you so much.”
“I can’t come home, Mom.” Tears flood Sean’s… flood my eyes. “I’ll visit soon. Maybe. I’ll try. If you believed in vampire cats and werewolves, this would be a lot easier to explain. Possession doesn’t sound like a reasonable excuse, does it?”
“Sean? Sweetheart, what are you talking about? Where are you?”
Sean coughs uncontrollably, and I can already feel him losing control. He’s weak and can’t animate a body that’s failing. “Take care, Mom. I’ll come home and I’ll explain everything. I promise. I promise, don’t I?”
That last sentence is directed at me. As Sean lets go of the body, I take control.
“I promise,” I say. It’s a promise I intend to keep. His mom needs to see her son in the flesh again. And maybe by then, I can think of a reasonable excuse for his disappearance. I hang up the phone, unable to handle Sean’s mother’s pained cries.
“Thank you.” Sean’s voice is just a whisper. He leaves the body and suddenly, there’s just silence. Only the mumbles in the room across from me and the steady beeping of a heart monitor.
I’m alone. Alone in a body that doesn’t belong to me. It’s never bothered me until now.
I head down the corridor, confused when a green mist floats above me. It shimmers, then speeds down the hall. It’s not a ghostly mist like when people leave their bodies to be reincarnated. It’s something else. The nurses and patients don’t notice it, so it can only mean one thing. The mist belongs to a vampire cat.
“Hey? Come back!” I yell, but I’ve lost sight of it. The color green signifies that it’s a newborn vampire cat, so why did it appear above my head? It’s not like… Surely it’s not like Sean merged with me and turned into a vampire cat when he crossed over. I mean, stuff like that just doesn’t happen. I don’t think. To be honest, I don’t even know how vampire cats are born. Add that to my huge list of things to research. Man, I need some milk to steady my nerves.
“Bloody cats!” A nurse comes out of a room, tripping over a ginger cat weaving between her legs. “How do you lot keep getting in here? It’s unhygienic!”
I approach the woman and pick up the purring cat. “Hi. Do you know what room Saffron-Jade is in?”
“Just find the room with all the cats!” She rolls her eyes. “We’ve tried everything to keep them out, but they keep finding a way back in. It’s a cat epidemic. The patients seem to like them though. I guess I can’t blame them. Who doesn’t like cats?”
I raise my hand and high-five the woman. “Nobody will be sucking your blood today, miss!”
She blinks. “What?”
“Never mind. Thanks for your help.”
I ignore her uneasy stare and go into the room. Saffy is gazing up at the ceiling with about thirty cats snuggled in between her legs, arms, and beneath the bed. It’s a beautiful sight. I place the ginger cat (aptly named Ginger Spice) on the ground and pull up a chair next to Saffy.
“COLT! Guys! GUYS! It’s Colt!” I recognize Twiggy who leaps straight onto my lap. “We’ve been waiting for you! We’ve been purring lots, trying to heal Saffy. She’s doing okay. She’s bummed out, but she’s okay! But you’re here! Colt Harper is here!”
In unison, the cats greet me with slow blinks and a flick of their tails. Gorgeous little fluff-meisters.
“How did you get here, Twig?”
“Here’s a tip: pretend to be a stray and you get lifts anywhere you want.”
“Nice. Is everyone back at Saffy’s house okay?”
“They’re fine, Colt! Barb’s feeding us, and we’ve found lots of mice to play with.”
“You’re doing it, girl. Great to see you all again,” I say. “Hey, Saffy. How goes it?”
“I don’t know.” Her voice is croaky, and she doesn’t look at me.
“We purr. Purr, purr, purr. She’s healing up, Colt! She’s healing fine! And look, we make comfies on her squishy bits. See? We knead like this. It makes her feel better!”
“That’ll do, Twiggy,” I say. “Saffy, how did you get off that island?”
She shrugs. “I crawled out and swam to the boat. I fiddled around and managed to get it sailing to shore. By the time I rolled up, hundreds of cats were there waiting. They helped me get to the hospital. Sometimes you have no choice but to become Superman.”
“I’m impressed. I mean, really impressed.”
“You would be.” She arches her eyebrows and looks me up and down. “Are you Colt or Sean?”
“It’s Colt. Sean left. But… I think he’s turned into a vampire cat. I can’t be sure. As far as I was concerned, you’re born a vampire cat, not made a vampire cat. I saw a green mist floating above my head when he left my body.”
“Hmm. Really.”
She makes it difficult to maintain a conversation. “So, how you doing? Wait, I already asked that. Let me try again. Ah, how are you doing emotionally?”
“Awful. I don’t know who or what I am.” Guess that makes two of us. “I still don’t have any memories of my life prior to this one. It’s strange to think I’m a combination of two souls. I’m two people, but I’m one.”
“Consider yourself lucky. I’m just a vampire cat in full control of a human body. I have all its emotions. Talk about an adjustment.” I try to smile, but Saffy isn’t looking. “I’m sorry about your sister.”
“You’re sorry that she tried to kill me? Don’t be. She’s a werewolf now, right? Makes sense. She’s always been a dog. I just… I hate that I’m alone again. St. Damian came to see me. He said the council deems me more monster than human. I hate that I have to fight the urge to kill when I used to protect people. It’s… it’s…”
“It’s an adjustment,” I finish. “Saffy, you’re not alone. I’m in this with you. Even after everything, I’m quite fond of you. Hard to believe, I know. I don’t intend to leave your side, especially while you’re learning to cope. We’re the last two vampire cats in the world. Well, maybe. I still have to work out what that green mist was. But theoretically, it’s just you and me. I can teach you to be human again, and maybe you can show me what it’s like to be a monster.”
She shakes her head. “I don’t know. Maybe I should just take the cats and live in a cabin on a mountain or something.”
“I did that for a few months. Terrible Wi-Fi connection. Trust me, it’s not worth your while.” I take Saffy’s hand and squeeze it. “What do you say? Are we in this together?”
Pale and tired, she gently squeezes back. “I guess. Thank you for forgiving me. I don’t understand why, but thank you. I really am sorry for lying to you.”
“It’s what vampire cats do best.”
The cats meow and knock their heads into our hands, all climbing over one another.
There’s a flash and the portal stretches open, instantly sucking a few cats in. Whoops.
Saffy pulls her legs to her chest, trying to back away. “What’s that? Where did it take my cats?”
“Relax. It’s St. Damian’s portal. It leads us back to the theater. He wants us to finish our community service. After that, I think I’m going to find out more about vampire cats. I need to work out exactly who I am. Lexi and Jax will go on the run; they’re fugitives for breaking out of the valley.”
“Fugitives?” Saffy hesitates. “You know this is all the council’s fault. They don’t understand us. They’re not helping monsters. They’re discriminating against us! I want to speak with them. Give them a piece of my mind. How dare they deem that I’m a monster when I’ve lived as a human my whole life! They’ve forced me to swap sides! And to think poor Lexi and Jax will be forever on the lam… Wow, I really am a monster for feeling sorry for a werewo
lf and a tickle monster. I actually sympathize with criminals and murderers. I’m so confused.”
“Lexi and Jax aren’t just criminals. They’re trying to turn their life around. Nobody’s ever gone up against the council before,” I add, inching closer to the portal. “But if it’s something you want to do, then I’m right behind you. I always will be. Mainly to check out your butt, but also to support you emotionally.”
Finally, she smiles. She climbs out of bed and squeezes my hand. “That means a lot, Colt.”
“And you feel all right? How’s your wound?”
She lifts her gown and shows me the gash which has already scabbed over. “One of the benefits of being a vampire cat, I guess. Quick healing. I’m feeling better every minute.”
“That’s great.” I put one foot inside the portal. “You ready?”
“Oh yeah. I’m ready to put on the worst damn play in the history of community theater.”
“Don’t be silly, Saffy,” I say. “It’s starring me: Colt Harper, Esteemed Vampire Cat. So you know it’s gotta be good.”
I smile as we step inside the portal. Sure, we’re painfully unaware of the future ahead. It’s not going to be easy or pleasant, especially considering there’s a lot about myself I don’t know about. But we’re in it together. And if that means more road trips with nervous werewolves and repugnant tickle monsters, then who am I to complain?
Ugh. Lame, right?
Colt Harper—checking out.
It’s a catchphrase that’ll have to do. For now.
Previously, on Colt Harper: Esteemed Vampire Cat.
’m retiring,” St. Damian said with a glint of remorse.
“You turned me! You turned me!” Brynn ran out of the hatch, frantically nursing her wound.
“Promise me you’ll explain my absence to my family,” Sean whispered in my mind, before exiting my body and morphing into a green mist.
“The council deem me a monster.” Saffy had never looked so vulnerable in that hospital bed. “They have to pay for this.”
Oh, wait. Right. This isn’t a television series and we haven’t delved into season two, so there’s no need for a season one recap. After all, a true fan doesn’t need a reminder, right?
All I can say, is far-bloody-out. There were a lot of loose ties. How frustrating it must be to come to an open-ended conclusion, left to wonder what happened to beloved, adorable characters. Authors are pretty selfish, taking so long to write sequels. Especially when they haven’t even conceived a storyline for the follow up, merely flying by the seat of their pants.
Luckily for you, Colt Harper, the illustrious, handsome son-of-a-gun before you isn’t selfish, unlike all of those lazy authors. I’m a changed vampire cat, doused in humanity and reeking of emotion.
Sadly though, I am no longer Colt Harper: Esteemed Vampire Cat.
I, for season two of my adventures, am merely Colt Harper: Disparaged Vampire Cat
“Crap. In my wonderfully hectic lifestyle, I haven’t had time to quote myself.”
– Colt Harper: Disparaged Vampire Cat
have never been more humiliated in my life.”
“I find that hard to believe.”
“I’m serious, Saffy,” I say, repulsed by the beautiful stars twinkling above. Shredding the newspaper into tiny pieces, I throw it up in the air, allowing the sickeningly gentle breeze to whisk it away. “One star? A one star review?! My performance was magnificent!”
“I think they were being generous, especially considering we improvised most of it. Just be thankful you’re free. No community service, no obligations. We can roam the nights, avenging cats! You can show me the ropes!”
I flinch, not just because of her outrageous suggestion, but because tiny ants nip at my legs. I spring up from the grass and stomp, hoping that avenging my sore butt isn’t cause for an eternity in the valley.
“My days of blood and slaughter are over.” I swallow the lump in my throat. “Especially now I’m in full control of this meat suit, it feels wrong to steal the life force from a human being, regardless whether they deserved it or not.”
Saffy half chortles, half sighs, obviously not in agreement. It’s funny how we’ve swapped roles. I now feel like the sappy princess, at one with the universe, while she’s gone all Hulk smash, Hulk crash. Or, more accurately, Cat claw, Cat paw.
“There you two are!”
Spinning in my spot, I turn to find Jax with a giant backpack strapped to him. He looks comedically uncomfortable, his neck pushed so far forward that it’s beyond the point of no return.
“Yeesh. There’s something different about you, buddy.”
“Ah, I trimmed my hair.”
“And you grew a bag. What the hell is in there? Apart from the six obese men you’ve obviously stuffed in.”
He shifts, and stumbles forward, landing on all fours. Stuck, the weight of the backpack sinks his knees deeper into the soft ground. “Wow. This is a compromising position.”
“Yeah, and nobody’s helping you. Come on, dude. If you’re going to be on the lam, you physically can’t run around with that thing attached to you.”
“I can try,” he wheezes, face turning red. Like a tipped over cow, he rocks side to side, crawling towards a tree to pull himself up. Panting, he triumphantly raises a fist in the air. “See! Did it!”
I check my imaginary watch. “Ah-huh. And if a chaser or the bats were after you…yep, you’d be about fifteen seconds into dead meat.”
Saffy liked that joke. I always feel shamefully proud when she laughs at my dry sense of humour. I hate that her approval means so much to me.
Wiping away beads of sweat, Jax shuffles towards me and offers his hand. “Thanks, Colt. Good luck with everything, okay? It’s going to be hard not having your repugnant cat odour around. I kinda grew used to it.”
“Yeah, well, I’d say I’m pleased to see the back of you, but we all know you’re even uglier from behind, so…” I grin and bat his hand away. “Man, we’re not like this. We’re hardcore criminals, yeah? Go raise hell, have little werewolf babies or whatever it is you want.”
“I want to open a theatre-restaurant, a comedy cabaret,” he says quietly. “And don’t tell me that’s gay. I know what you’re thinking.”
My lips slide into a lopsided smirk. The dude knows me too well. “Nothing gay about that, buddy. Nothing wrong with gay, either. I support you either way. Go start your lame theatre-restaurant.”
“While I’m a fugitive, that’s never going to happen, is it? Not until the council stop operating, and that’s unlikely.”
Saffy’s eyes glow in the dark, flashing at the mention of council. “Who says it’s unlikely? I’m all for killing those bastards. They ruined my life! If it were up to me, they’d be nose-deep in their own blood, but Colt doesn’t think we’re prepared to take them down.”
“We’re not!” I snap, unsheathing my claws. “The council are stronger than anything you can possibly imagine. It’s difficult to even access their location; they live between time and space. Besides, I have things I need to do.” I think of the promise I made Sean, wondering if there’s a way to weasel out of it, without affecting my newly found conscious.
Saffy sticks out her tongue and pulls at the grass blades. “So what do you expect me to do, Colt? Live happily ever after with you? Adopt more cats and act as if this entire part of our lives doesn’t exist? We’re never going to be normal, and frankly, I don’t want to be. Lexi and Jax are on the lam, my sister is a freaking werewolf-cross-chaser and the council have their eyes on me! I don’t want to live in fear, wondering about the outside world!” She stands and pats Jax on the back, nearly knocking him over. “I think we should go with Jax. He clearly can’t make it on his own. The four of us can take matters into our own hands. We don’t have to be violent. We could hire a lawyer and state our case to the council.”
Strangling the air, I’m torn between laughing and screaming. “It’s. Not. That. Easy. I’ve lived several lives as a
criminal. I don’t want to get involved with council. Sean gave me the opportunity to live a normal life. What kind of monster would I be if I rejected that gift?”
“We really have to find a better word for ‘monster’,” Jax mumbles. “I won’t lie, it’d be great to have you come with us, Colt. Lexi and I haven’t the foggiest where to go.”
Sighing, I run my fingers through my hair, greasy from sweat. “I may know of a little place that can store you for a while.”
“Store?” Jax and Saffy repeat in unison, like I’ve just called them something vulgar.
“Yeah. My little hippie cult friends. They have great food and nothing can infiltrate their mountain, so you can hide out there. There’s a library with information on council too, so while Saffy goes on a suicide mission to politely ask them to revoke her monster status, Jax, Lexi and I can stuff our faces with cooked duck. Sound like a plan?”
Jax’s face lights up, which makes me feel bad. The hairy dude really seems to like me. Although, who can blame him?
Saffy, on the other hand, either has resting-bitch-face or is displeased with the plan. When I go to ask her what’s wrong, she dismisses me by walking downhill, back into town.
“I’m guessing she’s going to get her luggage?” Jax says.
Shrugging, I reluctantly follow. “You know, I’ve possessed girls before. Lived a whole lifetime as one. And yet, I can’t work Saffy out.”
“That’s nothing to do with her being a girl, it’s to do with her being a complex human being,” Jax, who is apparently my new therapist, says. “She’s going through a lot of changes in her life right now.”
“Yeah, well so am I.”
“Then you either need to sort your problems out together, or take separate paths. This has potential to be the world’s greatest love story, or to end in tragedy, based on both of your actions. I care about both of you, Colt. Please don’t screw it up.”
“Who says it’s me who’s going to screw it up? She’s the one acting weird!”
“Be the bigger monster, Colt.”
“The only thing that’s bigger is my gut.” I slap my tum, sneering at the ripples. “I am destroying this body with all those fish pies. Gotta get on that. Hey, where’s Lexi?”
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