by Cheri Wood
“I don’t need you to feed me,” I protest, but when I open my mouth, he takes the opportunity to do just that.
“There. Was that so bad?” He’s smiling smugly and I snatch the fork from him. I’ll be damned if I let him feed me like a child. I dig into the omelet, alternating with sips of coffee, and in a little while, my brain is a little bit clearer.
“Feeling better?” Nick asks, setting his cup down on the table and turning to face me, resting one leg on the couch. I tuck my feet under me as I face him, smoothing down my dress so that the skirt pools around me on the seat.
“A little. Thank you. For feeding me, and for not making fun of me.”
“Why would I make fun of you?”
He tilts his head and rests his arm on the back of the couch. His fingertips stops just shy of my bare shoulder. I want to inch closer, I really do, but I’m trying to be good. There’s a good chance I sought Nick out as payback for Tom cheating on me, and he doesn’t deserve that. He’s a good guy – no, a great guy – and I’m leading him on. I have no idea what I truly want, and until I figure that out, I shouldn’t be here. That doesn’t change the fact that I want to.
“I think I need to find another job,” I say instead of answering his question.
Avoiding eye contact, I get up and take my dishes over to the sink. I run the water to wash up, but Nick comes up behind me and turns off the faucet.
“Where is this coming from?” he asks and I reluctantly turn around. He’s standing too close to be ignored.
“From me. I’m just really messed up.”
“You’ve been through a lot. Why don’t you take a few days off?”
I nod. He’s making perfect sense. No-one should be making life-changing decisions in the wake of a major event. But I’m going to need more than a few days to figure out how I really feel about Nick, and being around him is only going to complicate things.
“Go sit down while I clean up. I’ll make you some chamomile tea to help you relax.” He turns on the water and starts scrubbing my plate.
“Do you have any aspirin?” I ask, feeling a headache coming on.
“I think so. If you give me a second, I’ll get it for you.”
“That’s okay, I can get it.”
“Check the en suite.”
“Thanks,” I say and head for the bedroom. I don’t pause in the room, going straight for the en suite, but I do notice he has a king-size with a brass frame and gold-brown covers. I would have expected dark gray or black.
The en suite has a large shower space and his-and-her sinks in front of a mirror that takes up most of the wall. I open the cabinets in search of aspirin, but all I find is shaving products, cleaning products and a big-pack of condoms. I can’t help but notice the label and smile. My favorite size. I close the cabinet doors and resign myself to going home for pills and a heat pack. It’s probably best to call it a night, anyway.
When I exit the en suite, I spot a water glass sitting on top of one of the bedside tables. Maybe Nick keeps his pills in the drawer by the bed like I do? It only occurs to me as I’m pulling out the drawer that I wouldn’t want anyone going through my drawers, so this is probably a huge invasion of privacy. Too late.
I roll my eyes a little as I see a handful of foil packets in the drawer. Well, at least he’s safety-minded… I’m about to shut the drawer again when I spot something that looks like the edge of a pill packet. I reach in to grab it, but it snags on something and as I pull, a piece of lace comes with it. Setting aside the pill packet, I examine the lace. It’s a blindfold. Just like the ones Mr. Hush used to have me wear.
Unable to curb my curiosity, I pull the drawer out all the way. There are handcuffs and lube in there, but that’s not what makes my eyes cross. As I pick it up, my heart is racing. It’s a mask. I run my fingertips over the hard surface and shiver. All the pieces come together, making me feel stupid for not seeing it sooner.
“Hey, did you find-“ Nick walks in and stops dead a few steps into the room. I slowly turn towards him, holding the mask with both hands. “Callie.”
“It was you this whole time, wasn’t it?”
“Callie, I can explain-“
“Hush.”
He quiets, but from the stricken look on his face, I can tell he knows exactly what I now know.
“How could you?” I cry, throwing the mask at him. It falls to the floor and I wrap my arms around myself. “All this time. Lies. Nothing but lies.”
“Callie, please,” he starts, stepping forward, but I hold my hand up.
“Don’t. I can’t-“ I start pacing, walking over to the window and back to where I was. I need to think. I need to make sense of it all. Memories are locking into place, forming cohesive blocks of reason. “That night I rejected you… you were angry. Then you came to me as Hush and you… you took all that anger out on me. Didn’t you? You couldn’t get me to sleep with you as yourself, so you paid for it instead. Didn’t you? Didn’t you?!” I’m shouting, shaking, and tears are burning my eyes.
“Callie, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I hurt you. I was out of my mind. I saw you, every day, letting your husband treat you like crap, letting other men do the same. I wanted to-“
“What? Save me?” I scoff. “How noble of you. But wait, you didn’t have a problem with me selling myself when you were the buyer, did you?” I’m spouting sarcasm. Better to be sarcastic and angry than feeling hurt and used.
“There’s no excuse for what I did. I hoped that giving you a job would get you away from that life, but-“
“But you still wanted to fuck me on a regular basis,” I fill in and he runs a hand over his face.
“I am so sorry. I know what I did was wrong. I tried to make up for it.”
“You’re the one who got me fired from the agency. After that night.”
“Yes. I told Mrs. Richards that I would expose her if she didn’t let you go.”
“Was that out of concern for me, or out of jealousy?”
“I was concerned about you, but I also wanted to remove the temptation. As long as you were still working there, I could always make an appointment to see you. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to resist. Not when we’re so good together.”
“Please. Get over yourself,” I forced an eye roll. “I was a professional. You think I can’t fake an orgasm? That’s why they pay girls like me – it lets men like you think they’re animals in bed.”
“Don’t do that, Callie.”
“Don’t do what? Be honest? I think we’re past the point of pretenses, aren’t we?”
“What about that night at the Marquis?”
I stiffen. “What about it?” It was one of the most humiliating nights of my life, believing the man I’d fallen in love with felt the same way and then finding his payment on the bedside table.
“You were angry with me – with Mr. Hush – for paying you. Why? If I meant nothing to you, why would that have upset you?”
“Because you made me feel dirty!”
“You know why I contacted you that night?”
“You were horny?”
“I’d spent the day working alongside you, watching you fit seamlessly into my life, admiring you for your work ethic and your personality. But I couldn’t tell you any of that. I couldn’t tell you I’d fallen in love with you, because I would have scared you off forever.”
“So, what, you sat in your hotel room and thought, hey, I can just text Callie as my alter ego and get my rocks off that way?”
“No. I didn’t plan for any of it to happen. But as I was getting my toiletries out of my overnight bag, I saw my burner phone in there, and I couldn’t help myself. I decided I’d just send you a text and check on you.”
“You practically invited yourself over!”
“You still issued the invitation.”
“You could have let me see you that night, you know? You didn’t have to keep lying to me.”
“I gave you the chance to find out for yourself. You could ha
ve taken the mask off. But you didn’t.”
“I was respecting your privacy.”
“Or you were scared.”
“I wasn’t.”
“No? I think you were. I think that you wanted to hide just as much as I did. If you’d known it was me, it would have changed everything. It would have forced you into action. You would have had to make a choice.”
I shake my head, shouldering past him. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Coming here was a mistake.” He follows me to the front door. I’ve got my hand on the handle when he speaks up.
“Tell me one thing.”
“What?” I turn my head.
“Why did you come here tonight?”
I freeze. Yes, why? Because he’s become my only real friend over the months I’ve known him? Or because I’m attracted to him in a way that’s not appropriate for working relationships? I realize those are both true statements. But I’ve faced as many cold hard truths as I can take for one night.
“I’d deleted Hush from my phone and I needed a good hard fuck to get through the night. I was hoping you’d be up for it.”
With those crude words, I yank open the door and slam it shut behind me.
XIII
I’m just finishing brushing my teeth when my cell phone buzzes. I really don’t want to hear from anyone right now, just crawl into bed and forget everything that happened. I also have to pack, because I can’t stay in the office apartment anymore. I don’t know where I’m going to live, but I do know what I’m going to do.
Why I check my phone I don’t know. There’s something compulsive about cell phones – when you know you have a message waiting to be read, you just can’t ignore it. I’m surprised telemarketers don’t stop making phone calls and just send texts instead. I have two. One is from Nick, the other from an unknown number. I check the unknown number first.
I’m sorry. –Hush
I shake my head and check Nick’s message.
Me too – N/A
Is he seriously being cute right now? And how did he know I’d check the other message first? I throw my phone on the bed and undress. I’m so wound up I practically tear off my clothes, leaving them in a heap on the floor before flinging back the covers and getting into bed.
I toss and turn, but I can’t fall asleep. I know what has me restless, and I know how to fix it. The only thing stopping me is my pride. Two hours of insomnia later, and I’m ready to cast away my pride for some shut-eye. With a groan, I grab the cell phone and pull up the conversation with Nick.
In case it wasn’t clear, I quit.
It doesn’t take long before my phone buzzes again. Maybe I’m not the only one who can’t sleep tonight.
Please don’t do that, Callie
Why not? Suddenly I feel so incredibly tired, like the fight has gone out of me and left nothing behind to sustain me.
I need you.
Call GCS. I’m sure Madam Director can supply him with both office support and another escort.
That’s not what I want.
I press the call button. “What do you want?” I ask as soon as he picks up.
“You.”
“Tell me something. Why me? What made you choose me? Did you just pick me out of the catalogue?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because you looked different. The other girls posed for their photos, pushed out their chests or their lips or their other assets. You… you looked like you’d ended up in the wrong section, like you were only available for office support.”
“What made you go there in the first place? Why would a man like you hire a girl?”
“A man like me?”
“You’re successful, but not arrogant. I never got the feeling that you were on a power trip, you didn’t want to fulfill crazy fetishes a regular woman would refuse – or at least not go blabbing to the press about. Why would you risk everything for a piece of ass?”
“Are you sure you want to hear this?”
“I asked, didn’t I?” I doubt he could tell me anything that could make me feel worse.
“Robert and I weren’t always on the outs.”
Oh, god. Okay, it could make me feel worse.
“Back when I was engaged to marry his daughter, he took me under his wing. He was like a father to me after my parents passed away, and I guess he thought he should educate me on how to act like a successful business man. Over drinks one night he told me about Gold Club Staffing. I was shocked, to say the least. I couldn’t reconcile the image of the family man with a man who would pay for sex with strange women. He told me I had to experience it for myself, talked about how men under as much pressure as we were needed an outlet so that our wives wouldn’t suffer for it. He set the whole thing up. I sat in that madam’s office and I was about to tell her I’d changed my mind when she opened the portfolio to your picture. I figured I’d make an appointment for appearance’s sake, to appease Robert, and just sit and talk to you. But…”
“But you had me blindfolded and issued a gag order. Not exactly conducive to great conversation.”
“I chickened out. I was scared I would be recognized and somehow it’d get out that I’d booked an appointment with a-“
“With a prostitute. You can say it.”
“That’s not you.”
“Please. Take off those rose-colored Ray-Bans you bought yourself. I have sex for money. I think ‘prostitute’ is the right term.”
“What made you join Gold Club Staffing in the first place?”
“Uh-uh, no, you first. What made you go through with it?” I can remember our first meeting like it was yesterday, and I don’t recall him as being hesitant. Gentle, yes, but not awkward. Not like I was.
I could barely keep myself from shivering as I stood in conference room F in a silk robe, naked underneath, stilettos on my feet and a black silk blindfold on. My instructions were clear – let the client guide you to where he wants you and let him undress you. Go along with whatever he wants and act like you enjoy it. He walked in and I listened for his footsteps, smelled his cologne, and waited. Gentle hands untied my robe and slid it off. Soft lips grazed my neck and breasts, and then hands were leading me over to what was presumably the chair. I heard it creak as he sat, and then the hands were back, applying pressure to my shoulders, guiding me to get on my knees.
“Callie?”
I shake my head to rid it of lingering memories. “Yes.”
“I was just saying I don’t have an answer to why I went through with it. Or why I booked another appointment. I just did.”
“Was I the only one? Or did you meet with any of the other girls? Maybe you still go there?”
“Yes and no. Yes, you were the only one, and no, I haven’t seen anyone else, nor will I ever. It’s a closed chapter in my life.”
“You realize you weren’t my only client, right?”
“Yes. All too well.”
“You also realize your old pal Rob was one of them?”
There’s a tense pause before he answers, his voice equally tense. “I figured as much.”
“I don’t know how you can stand even looking at me,” I blurt, the late night and exhaustion disintegrating my filters.
“Are you serious? Callie, I’ve never once thought less of you for doing what you do. I figured you had your reasons, and while the thought of other men touching you makes me want to punch someone, I know I don’t have the right to tell you how to live your life.”
“That didn’t stop you from trying to control it, though.”
“You’re right. The more I got to know you, the more I cared. I wouldn’t want my friends or family members to be stuck in a life like that, so how could I just stand by and do nothing?”
“Even though it cost you?”
“You mean that I lost you? I guess I finally realized I wanted the real thing, not the fantasy.”
“Actually, I meant that I’m assuming you had to pay my boss to cut me loose.”
> “It’s only money.”
“Easy for a billionaire to say.”
“I’m hardly a billionaire, Callie.”
“Too bad.”
“Why’s that?”
“Well, if you were, I could write a steamy romance novel about you and your blindfolds.”
“I think the world has seen enough of those for a while, don’t you?”
“Okay,” I let out an exaggerated sigh, “I guess millionaire will have to do.”
He chuckles and I suddenly realize I’m not as angry anymore. Why aren’t I holding on to my grudge? What’s wrong with me? I should be telling him to never call me again, but I’m holding on to the phone like it’s my security blanket.
“Callie?”
“Yeah?”
“Is it too much to ask for a second chance? I know I messed up, and I don’t blame you if this is something you can’t get past-“
“It’s not,” I blurt, cutting him off.
“I see. Well, I’ll just-“
“No. I mean, it’s not too much to ask. I’d like a second chance myself.”
“In that case… would you like to join me for dinner tomorrow night?”
“I could do that.” I smile and lean back against the pillows, feeling so much more at ease now.
“Okay. Good. Well, I guess I’ll let you go now.”
“Sleep well, Nick.”
“You too.” His final words are a soft whisper on the line, and then I’m falling into the welcoming arms of Mr. Sandman.
XIV
It takes me a few days to get everything in order, but once I have the divorce papers and the special appendix, I head out to Long Island to wait for Tom to come home after work. Nick offered to go with me, but I assured him I could handle it on my own, and I believe I can.
It feels odd, being back in my old house. It’s like it’s a different life altogether, one I barely remember living. I go through my bedroom drawers, but there’s nothing left behind that I want. You’d think a person would have collected a number of treasured objects over the years, but I lost what I had left of my childhood in a fire that also took my parents, and there’s nothing in my adult life that has sentimental value. Tom always liked buying things, but he was never a romantic. I guess I wasn’t either, or I might have saved little things like movie tickets or heart shaped rocks from the beach. I didn’t.