Then she saw him laughing with Elsie, chatting with her as she was waiting to be moved to the ward, just standing by her gurney and putting a smile on the old lady’s face. She was in a white hospital gown now, all the rings and jewellery off, but she had her pink shawl around her shoulders and was smiling as she showed him pictures.
No, it was no relief not to have slept with him.
It was simply self-preservation.
CHAPTER EIGHT
‘CATE?’
Cate heard her name being called over her side gate as she hung out her uniform. She was in a rush, she’d just come out of the shower and, yet again, she was driving, so she really didn’t have much time. But that never stopped Bridgette, who would chat happily as Cate got ready.
‘Come over, Bridgette, but I can’t chat for long.’
‘Going out?’
Cate nodded. ‘Yes, and I have no idea what to wear.’
They headed into the kitchen and Cate put on the kettle and did her usual thing with tea and ice—it was the only way to get through the long hot summer. Then they headed upstairs to decide what Cate should wear. ‘I need a new wardrobe,’ Cate sighed.
‘So do I.’
‘No, I really need one,’ Cate said. ‘Everything I’ve got I wore when I was going out with Paul. I’ve got my black dress, my going-out-for-dinner dress, the dress I wore when I met his family...’ It was hard to explain.
‘What about this?’ Bridgette pointed out Cate’s lilac skirt.
‘It’s the one new thing I have but I wore it last week.’
‘Are you missing him?’
‘No,’ Cate said. ‘And then I feel guilty that I don’t.’
‘So who’s this other guy?’
Cate was about to shake her head but there was no chance of Bridgette meeting Juan and it would be so nice to get her advice—even if she had no intention of taking it! Bridgette was a lot more open-minded than Cate and always made her laugh.
‘There’s a casual doctor at work,’ Cate said. ‘He’s from Argentina and is travelling for a year or two...’
‘Nothing wrong with a younger man.’
‘He’s not younger, though,’ Cate said, because, yes, most doctors were in their twenties when they travelled the world. ‘He’s in his mid-thirties, I think. It sounds like he had a really good job and then just took off...’
‘He’s a bit young to be having a mid-life crisis.’
‘He’s not in crisis!’ Cate laughed. ‘He’s having a ball. He’s stunning, everyone fancies him, he makes no bones that he’s moving on soon and that he’s not interested in anything serious, not that it stops anyone.’ She paused for a moment. ‘He works all over Melbourne and from what I saw today he’s having just as much fun at the other hospitals as he is at Bayside, but...’ Cate took a breath ‘...we get on, he likes me...’
‘And you clearly like him.’
Cate nodded. ‘He leaves the country soon so it’s not going anywhere except bed...’ She looked at Bridgette. ‘And that’s just not me.’
‘Who knows where it could lead?’
‘No.’ Cate shook her head. ‘That’s the one thing I can’t let myself think. The whole point is, it will go nowhere and I don’t know if I can get my head around that.’
‘You take things so seriously.’
‘I know I do,’ Cate said. ‘I don’t want to, but I do. I want to be carefree, I want to just let loose and have fun and live a little...’
‘Then do.’
To Bridgette it was that simple.
Maybe, Cate thought, it could be.
She thought of Elsie and her one wild fling, thought of Juan, who was, quite simply, beautiful, and she felt as if she was standing on the edge of a diving board and peering down.
She wanted to have done it, wanted to be climbing out of the water, high from the thrill. It was just throwing herself over the edge that Cate was struggling to come to terms with.
‘I’ve got a dress you can have,’ Bridgette said. ‘It’s too big for me but it would look great on you. It’s still got the tags on. Go and get ready and I’ll fetch it.’
They borrowed and swapped things all the time. Bridgette was always buying and selling things on the internet. Cate did her make-up until Bridgette returned.
‘Oh!’ She stared at the dress. ‘White?’
‘First after Paul.’ Bridgette winked. ‘You need sexy undies.’
Cate opened her top drawer and let out a sigh. Juan was right, her relationship with Paul had gone on too long—two years in and they’d long since passed the sexy underwear stage.
‘You are joking?’ Bridgette said, as Cate pulled out some rather plain white panties. ‘You’d be better off not wearing any!’
Well, that wasn’t going to happen—so she had to wear the sensible ones.
* * *
Cate never usually wore white, but when she put it on she found it suited her. The dress tied under the bust and scooped a little too low and certainly, when she looked in the mirror, the word virginal didn’t spring to mind.
‘It’s too much! Or, rather, it’s way too little,’ she said, pulling the dress down over her bottom.
‘Go for it,’ Bridgette said. ‘Take a taxi.’
‘I’d rather drive,’ Cate said. ‘Anyway, I’m working tomorrow.’
She put on her new wedges and there was a flurry of nerves in her stomach as she looked in the mirror, and then there was the most terribly unfamiliar feeling as she filled her bag not just with lipstick and breath mints but with a few condoms too.
It was so not her.
Just so against her nature.
Cate picked up Kelly and Abby and kept having to force herself to keep up with the conversation, her mind was so full of Juan.
There was a flurry of hellos as they entered the garden to the restaurant where Christine’s leaving do was being held.
They had chosen outside, not just because of the balmy heat but because thirty Emergency workers tended to be loud at the best of the times.
Cate slipped into a seat beside Louise and, although she did her best not to look over, the second she arrived she searched for him. She saw that Juan was already there. He was, of course, in the middle of the long table, sitting beside Christine and enthralling his adoring audience.
Maybe, Cate thought, all this indecision was for nothing, because he’d barely looked in her direction.
Maybe she’d said no one too many times.
‘He could have his pick, couldn’t he?’ Louise said.
‘Almost,’ Cate sighed, they both knew who she was talking about.
‘It’s a shame he’s leaving.’
‘I just don’t get the drifting-around-the-world thing,’ Cate said. ‘He wouldn’t even commit to a three-month contract. I could understand it if he was in his twenties.’
‘I don’t need three months with him...’ Louise nudged, and Cate pushed out a smile.
It was actually a very nice night—at first. The restaurant was set high on Olivers Hill and looked over Port Phillip Bay. The view was stunning and the drink was flowing a bit too freely because Christine’s laughter was getting louder and louder, the stories at the table more outrageous. Cate laughed and joined in but her heart really wasn’t in it. She just wanted to go home, not to be sitting waiting for a sliver of Juan’s attention, not to be like Christine and hanging onto his every word.
And, yes, it hurt that he hadn’t so much as spoken to her once.
It was still, at eleven p.m., unbearably warm and Cate blew up her fringe as she let out a long breath. ‘Another sleepless night, tossing and turning...’
‘Well, if you insist.’ Juan’s voice from behind her made Cate jump but she managed to answer in her usual dry fashion when sh
e turned round. ‘In your dreams, Juan!’
He lowered his head and gave her a brief kiss on the cheek, just as a few other colleagues had, but because it was Juan he took the tease one step further. ‘Often.’
‘You don’t know when to stop, do you?’ Cate really tried not to take his flirting seriously, for pity the woman who believed that any words that slipped from those velvet lips hadn’t been used many times before.
‘I brought you a drink...’ Juan put a glass of champagne on the table.
‘It’s very nice of you, but I’m driving.’
‘You can have one.’
‘I don’t want to have one.’
‘I’ll have it.’ Louise smiled.
‘Help yourself.’
He moved into an empty seat beside her—a few of the gathering had gone to dance and once she’d finished her drink Louise drifted off to join them.
‘Are you looking forward to Monday?’ Juan asked.
‘I don’t know that much will change,’ Cate attempted.
‘Of course it will.’
‘It might only be temporary,’ Cate pointed out. ‘I might not get the job.’
‘You know you will.’ He saw the swallow in her throat. ‘Is it what you want?’
‘Of course it is.’
‘Why?’
‘Why wouldn’t I?’ She gave a small shake of her head. She wasn’t about to discuss her career with a man who had turned his back on his.
‘Have you thought about doing the sky jump?’
‘The places are all taken.’
‘You can have mine.’ Juan grinned. ‘I’d happily pay to watch you jump out of a plane. I think it would be very freeing for you.’
‘I don’t need freeing.’ Her eyes narrowed as she looked at him. ‘I don’t need a shot of adrenaline from jumping out of a plane to prove that I’m alive...’ It annoyed her that he smiled. ‘I don’t.’
‘I’m not arguing.’ Still he smiled. ‘I wish you good luck with your interview. If I come back in a couple of years, I expect you’ll be carrying a clipboard and be the new director of nursing.’
‘And what will you be doing in a couple of years?’ Cate asked, because even though he was smiling she felt there was a challenge in his tone. ‘Still roaming the globe, still doing casual shifts and not knowing where you’re going to be each day?’
‘I don’t know,’ he admitted. ‘I try not to think that far ahead, but I am thinking ahead now—after you’ve dropped everyone off, come back to mine.’
‘Pardon?’
‘I would like to have some time to speak with you.’
‘We’re speaking now.’
‘Okay, I would like to talk to you some more.’ He would. Juan was more than aware that this might be the last time they were together and he cared enough about Cate to prolong the conversation. She clearly didn’t want his career advice, so he switched track to something a little more palatable. ‘I would like to be a bit more hot in my pursuit but I don’t think you would appreciate it. You are senior, you don’t need the Dr Juan walk of shame, so I’m inviting you to come over afterwards...’
‘Why would I come back to yours?’
‘Because, as I said when I brought your drink, I think about you often and think it is the same for you. I believe if you want something you should at least try, and so I am.’
‘I don’t think—’
‘Don’t think, then.’
She couldn’t really believe he could be so upfront about it.
‘Juan...’
‘I can’t talk too long. Christine is being a pain and I don’t want to upset her at her leaving do. We can talk some more back at mine.’
Cate excused herself and nipped out to the toilets. She wished for a guilty moment that she hadn’t when she saw Christine in there in tears. Cate really didn’t know what to say.
‘It’s hard, leaving,’ Cate attempted, ‘but you’ll still keep in touch...’
‘Do you really think I’m crying about that place?’ Christine looked at her. ‘I couldn’t be happier to be getting away from it. It’s Juan.’
‘Oh.’
‘I made a bit of a fool of myself,’ Christine said. ‘I asked if he wanted to come back after...’ She cringed. ‘I was very politely rebuffed. I told myself before I came out not to drink and Juan.’ Cate gave a thin smile at Christine’s pale joke—she knew exactly what she meant.
‘Our livers will be thanking him,’ Cate said, because she wasn’t just being a martyr, driving everyone around—since she’d met Juan she’d been clutching water, terrified that a thimble of wine and all restraint would be gone.
‘I should have known better.’ Christine started the repair job on her face. ‘I knew it wasn’t going anywhere, but it was so great being with him...’
Cate really didn’t want to hear this; she didn’t want to hear from Christine how good he was in bed. She was just about to excuse herself, skip to the loo, do anything to avoid that conversation. She had no idea what was coming next.
‘It was all going great until you came back from leave.’
‘What?’
‘Oh, come on, Cate...’
‘There’s nothing going on between us.’
‘I’m not blind.’
Cate just stood there; she knew this could get nasty and she certainly didn’t have to explain one kiss to bloody Christine.
‘What’s going on between the two of you, then?’ came Christine’s slightly drunken demand.
‘I don’t know about you, Christine, but I left school years ago,’ Cate said, and walked out.
She went to get her bag but she’d promised Kelly a lift.
Kelly could pay for a taxi for once, Cate decided. But there was no need to rush off. The drama was over—Juan had already gone.
Once the bill had been paid, even Kelly didn’t want to head off to a club; so Cate drove her home and then dropped off Abby, which took her unbearably close to Juan’s.
She couldn’t just walk up the garden path for sex.
‘Hi, Juan.’ She could just picture it. ‘I’m here.’
Cate was nothing like that, she did nothing like that.
She had fewer regrets than Frank Sinatra.
Yet Cate didn’t want to be sitting on a gurney in fifty years’ time, speaking about this stunning six-foot-three Argentinian who had offered no strings, who had offered nothing but a night, maybe a couple of days...
‘What did you do?’ She could just see the young nurse asking her half a century from now.
‘I went home.’
‘Oh.’
‘Nothing could have come of it,’ Old Cate would rationalize. ‘There was no point if it was going nowhere.’
Elsie would be disappointed
Bridgette too.
Even the imaginary nurse of the future would be disappointed in her tonight, Cate thought as she refused to give in to temptation.
She arrived home—there was a present on her doorstep and Cate opened the note with it as she stepped inside.
Hope you don’t get this till morning and you can take this beauty out for a whirl tonight.
B xxx
Lilac velvet panties, still fresh in their pack, and they’d cost an absolute fortune, Cate knew, because Bridgette had been trying to sell them to her!
Wasted, she thought, crunching them into a ball in her fist and trying not to cry.
Lying in bed alone at two a.m., Cate was disappointed in herself too...at her wasted chance.
CHAPTER NINE
IN HIS NIGHTMARES he relived it.
Juan had waited for Cate until one and then given in and gone to bed, but he left the lights on outside and in the hall, just in case she changed her mind. He
dozed off, trying to keep one ear open for her car, trying to fathom what it was about Cate that held his attention so, when he found himself back in his hospital bed.
‘I felt that!’ Juan said.
Manuel was washing his arm and Juan felt something, a vague sting, but at least he felt it.
His breathing came faster, scared to hope.
It was two a.m., the nurses were doing their rounds the night after his meltdown.
His roommates had all been wonderful.
‘Love you, Juan,’ André had called to him that morning as Juan had woken up. He was so ashamed for what he had put his roommates through, not knowing it was part of the process, not knowing two of them had done it too.
‘Love you, Juan,’ José had called, and Juan had closed his eyes.
‘Does it make me gay if I say I love you?’ young Eduard had called out, and Juan had smiled at the ceiling.
‘No,’ Juan finally answered. ‘I love you guys, too,’ he said. ‘Thank you.’
It had been a day of conversation, a day of comradeship in the room as they’d stared up at the ceiling and joked and laughed. With the nurses’ help they had even video-called each other that afternoon, finally face to face with each other. Eduard had told them about his amazing girlfriend, Felicia, who was currently flying back from a student exchange in France and would be coming in to see him tomorrow.
Juan had woken at two a.m., as he always did when the nurses approached.
‘Not like this!’ Juan’s eyes snapped open as he heard Eduard shout. ‘I don’t want Felicia seeing me...’
Poor man.
Juan closed his eyes in agony as he heard Eduard screaming to Graciela, who was by his side. Poor man. Juan wept as Manuel wiped his tears and Eduard’s deranged, grief-filled rant continued.
Oh, Eduard!
Juan wanted to go over and hold him. He wanted to fix him, to heal him, but all he could do was lie in respectful silence, grimacing over and over in agony as Eduard let out his fears in a room, in a ward, that understood.
Poor man.
Good man.
He looked up at Manuel, saw that his eyes were filling up too, but he gave a small smile of comfort to Juan.
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