by Caron Allan
Monday 8 September – 8.45am
Nothing more from Nadina, thank God! (Or Jeremy!) Hopefully everything is okay now. Keep having times when I feel a bit bad about all the nasty things I said to her. Then I remind myself of all her crimes – and frankly mine pale into insignificance next to hers. Miss Goody-Two-Shoes, the children’s muse and guide on the road to enlightenment. Or Bitch as I now call her in my mind.
Anyway, onto happier things …
Slept really well last night – it’s lovely to snuggle down into Matt’s arms and feel warm and safe. So after feeling thoroughly below par this last couple of days, I feel pretty fab today.
We’ve got all Paddy’s uniform pressed and ready for him in the morning – not sure who will be the most teary, me or Lill! And we’ve got the camera ready with new batteries to take some photos of him before we set off.
So, seeing as today is Paddy’s last day of freedom, Matt suggested we all go to the zoo!
Am very excited!
And – this will be the first time – apart from our wedding – that we have gone out altogether as a family with Sid and Lill! Lill is absolutely over the moon at the prospect, and the children are – well, not quite as excited as children normally are, Billy hasn’t got a clue what a zoo is (even though we’ve got about six pop-up books on the subject) and Paddy is trying to make us promise there will be sharks, (somehow don’t think so) or tigers (vaguely possible). And Sid – well I think he liked the idea until Lill, calling on me for support, insisted he put on a shirt – now he’s wandering about doing something with a rusty hinge and a small screwdriver and tugging on the offending collar every few seconds.
Ooh, we’re ready. I must say, Matt looks rather tasty in a nice polo-shirt and jeans!
Tuesday 9 September – 10.45am
Absolutely gorgeous day yesterday – surprisingly warm for the time of year – we all had a fabulous time, even Sid!
Both children have acquired a new soft toy – Paddy has a fluffy shark (obviously) and Billy has a fluffy flamingo with ridiculously long floppy legs, like the ones from Alice in Wonderland, it’s brilliant. She has called it Vera after her favourite fashion designer (soz Vera, it’s a compliment, really!) and not our former cleaning lady.
There was a shark! Two in fact, just baby ones but thrilling for Paddy all the same. We stood and watched them for absolutely ages. Then Sid made Paddy stand in front of the tank just as one of the sharks was going past and Sid took a photo, so when we show Paddy the photo of him with the shark, he will be so amazed, I just know he will love it. Kids are so much fun! (Esp kids of Sid’s age!)
And there were tigers!
Billy was basically terrified of everything that was bigger than she was – so everything in the zoo except for some tiny little owl. So Billy spent most of the day being held by one of us, to give her a bit of a confidence boost.
We had ice cream, we had junk food. The children ran round and Lill and Sid and Matt and I took it in turns to push them on swings or meet them at the bottom of slides – oh, it was so, so wonderful! What a day! And we took hundreds of photos.
And then this morning our brave little man trotted off into his classroom with the other kiddies with barely a backwards glance. Again we took a number of photos. Must buy a couple of albums, BTW. Lill and I were weepy, and even the men had to clear their throats a couple of times and quickly nip off to find a spanner for something.
Billy was distraught though! I was completely unprepared for how she would react to her little pal – her big brother – going off and leaving her. It took me an hour to calm her down – in fact it was all I could do to stop her from running after him into the classroom. The teacher made the mistake of coming over to say hello, and so Billy thought he was her teacher too, and couldn’t understand why she wasn’t allowed in with the others. Poor little mite, it’s now eleven o’clock, and she had declined any interest in playing with playdough, watching TV, reading or drawing. She even sniffed at Vogue – I was prepared to allow her a special look through last year’s Christmas edition, but no, not interested, all she wants is Paddy.
We’ll be collecting him in an hour and a half anyway so, desperate for something – anything! – to take her mind off things, Matt and I are taking her with us the decorating store to look at a few bits for the nursery.
I have been getting a bit fretful about the nest nursery not being ready and had suggested getting a man in to sort it out, but Matt (presumably seeing this as a slight on his masculinity) said he would do everything himself. So he and Sid have stripped off the old paper and rubbed down all the paintwork in readiness. I must admit they’ve worked incredibly hard.
Later same day
It’s almost three o’clock and Billy is still clinging to Paddy in relief. He seems to have kind of enjoyed his first half-day at school. He liked the sand-and-water, and the story-time and the singing, he said. Has already got a small hole in the knee of his trousers.
Sid and Matt immediately got cracking on with the painting in the nursery this afternoon. Just going for traditional white gloss on skirting and door etc – it always looks clean and nice.
Am emotionally exhausted after the stresses of the day, will have a nice long soak in the bath and then do my nails, I think.
I do hope Billy wants to read the Vogue Christmas 2013 special at bedtime – now I’ve dug it out, am quite excited to look through it again.
Wednesday 10 September – 9.50am
OMG! I thought today would be a doddle with the children – but it was actually worse than yesterday, not better! Billy clutching at Paddy and screaming! Felt like sobbing myself, it was all so traumatic, we had to literally drag her out of the playground as the teacher yanked Paddy into the classroom. Am already dreading tomorrow. Billy has now attached herself, limpet-like, to me, and although she’s no longer crying (or screaming! She has such a big voice in that tiny frame!) she won’t lift her head up, just keeps her face buried, she won’t talk, read, watch TV, play or anything. How are we going to get through the next twelve years?
So I couldn’t got to the pub and meet ‘Enrietta, probably just as well as she is now Lill’s best mate and they are getting together more and more now that Lill has started going out and leaving more of the cleaning to her trusty side-kick. I must say I’m most impressed that Joan is still here – maybe she will stay after all. Third time’s the charm!
I’m sat here in the garden-room looking through – yes, you’ve guessed it – and every so often I make a little remark out loud: ‘ooh, what simply lovely shoes’ or ‘what a really gorgeous handbag’ and I feel the limpet is reluctantly starting to emerge - her grip is beginning to loosen. In a few minutes I will persuade her to have some milk and a biscuit and we’ll have a nice little chat about kitten heels versus stilettos or something of that sort. Poor little thing, she is finding this whole thing with Paddy starting school just too much. If only we’d realised. Though not too sure what we could have done differently, even if we had known.
Friday 12 September – 11.10am
Doctor’s again. Getting fed up with traipsing in there to be prodded and poked. But everything fine, so that’s nice to know, I suppose. While I was in the Doctor’s room, I could hear Billy howling the place down in the waiting-room with Lill. Today another traumatic day of separation. Thank God it’s the weekend and we will be able to relax tomorrow and Sunday although I can’t bear to think what it will be like on Monday morning. Perhaps this is why people home-school their children? At least that way they can sit around doing sums in their pyjamas.
The new paper is up in the nursery – it looks absolutely gorgeous – all clean and fresh and ready for Thomas Sidney. Now we just need the furniture. Have pencilled in next Wednesday for cot shopping. Though if Billy is still hysterical when Paddy goes into class, I don’t know what we will do. We’re all at our wits’ ends. I have tried to get her interested in the cot and the equipment for the baby but frankly she doesn’t seem to give a damn ab
out any of that.
Saturday 13 September – 12.50pm
Billy has been following Paddy around all morning like a little puppy, afraid to take her eyes of him. She even waited outside the loo when he popped in there. The only problem is, she’s only wanted to do what he’s doing, so again, Vogue Christmas 2013 has gone completely unappreciated.
The house is full of delicious baking smells as Lill is having one of her big sessions in the kitchen – for this reason Sid has not moved from the kitchen once today, he’s just sat there in his vest, reading a book entitled ‘Plumbing For Fun And Profit’ and testing the wares as they cool sufficiently.
Matt is doing puzzles on the sitting-room floor with the children. They’ve also got a fort out of coloured bricks to put together. Billy is likely to be more of an observer than an actual participant. When I looked in just now, she was sitting on the floor, jammed into a tiny gap between Matt and Paddy, leaning back against Matt with her finger in her mouth and struggling to keep her eyes open.
Think I will pop out for an hour to see Henrietta and Mavis.
Later same day – 10.15pm
Well, how interesting! Was only halfway to Henrietta’s (ie at the end of our drive) when I got a phone call. Dragged out my mobile only to find ‘unknown’ displayed as the caller. My first thought was Monica and my first instinct was to ignore it. My heart was pounding. The phone was ringing and I couldn’t decide what to do. Then I thought I may as well answer it.
Not Monica!
It was Jeremy. Oh God, I thought, here we go on another lunatic rant.
But no! He sounded a bit panicky and said, “can I come and see you? I really need to talk to you. Can I drive down now?”
So of course, like a loon, I said he could, so he rang off, saying he’d be here about two o’clock. I wish he’d said what he wanted to see me about! I wished I’d thought to ask. He seemed so secretive. And now of course, I keep analysing and re-analysing his voice, his tone, his words. Was he angry? Was he worried? Is he driving all this way to hand me a writ?
With nothing else to do but wait, I continued down to Henrietta’s, had about twenty cups of tea and jammie dodgers, and a nice, unexciting chat with the ‘girls’. Then came home, told Matt and Sid and Lill about Jeremy’s imminent arrival, whereupon Lill flew into a total panic vis á vis the state of our larder.
“I’ve got nothing to give him!” She said. Surrounded by scones, macaroons, flapjacks and fairy cakes.
“You could open a can of beans for him.” Sid remarked helpfully and was banished upstairs to put on a shirt for the second time in a single week. That wiped the smile off his face!
But Jeremy didn’t come. It’s now almost half past ten in the evening (obviously!) and there’s been no call, no text message, nothing. And I don’t quite know what to do. I haven’t got his mobile number, I don’t know what kind of car he drives. I don’t know what’s happened.
Did he simply change his mind? But if so, why not call and let me know? Did he get lost, delayed, have an accident? I don’t know whether to phone their flat and see if he’s there or whether to just – I don’t know – keep on waiting?
I mean, these days, everyone including Jeremy has a SatNav.
Even if his phone ran out of juice, he should still have been able to call from a phone box – or – or …
Why didn’t he come?
I must admit I’m worried as well as cross.
Sunday 14 September – 9.10pm
Oh dear. Tears from both children. Paddy spotted Lill ironing his school uniform. He doesn’t understand why he’s got to go to school again this week – he already did four mornings last week, surely that’s it? Poor little Love. And now of course, Billy’s realised he’s going to be torn from her side again and is inconsolable. She stood there with her hands on her hips and shouted “you not take my Paddy ‘way again!” Think I preferred it when she was a limpet.
It’s a nightmare. Don’t know how to explain any of this to them, or how to take away the misery. When I said this to Matt, he put his arms around me and kissed me. He said, “they’ve got to live their lives and this is where it starts.”
So had a long weep on his shoulder then decided to adopt a more no-nonsense approach, briskly jollying everyone (ie myself and the children) along with the assertion that Paddy would have fun once he got there. This led to a rather lengthy ‘no I won’t’ ‘yes you will’ conversation. And then I reminded Billy that we could have lots of fun without Paddy and that led to a ‘no we not’ ‘yes we is I mean shall’ conversation with her.
Madison here for afternoon tea (scones, macaroons and fairy cakes, flapjacks already gone). I did toy with the idea of inviting Rev Steve, but really that might not be such a good plan with Madison here – not very comfortable. Matt says Rev Steve is probably trying to get through a ton of casseroles anyway. Poor man, the ladies still seem determined to comfort him, and Joan said that the church was packed with single and hopeful ladies this morning. Every cloud, I suppose.
Madison said the house has now been sold and so they will eventually divvy up the cash and she will be able to get her own little place somewhere else – she doesn’t want to stay here, and really I can see why. And so we will have new neighbours.
Still no word from Jeremy. I am so puzzled by his non-appearance, but can’t decide if anything needs to be done. Will think about it a bit longer. Surely if anyone should be worried it would be Nadina, and she hasn’t called, and I’m hardly going to call her after everything that’s happened.
Monday 15 September – 6.30pm
You know what? Tough love seems to be working! Paddy only mildly upset when we got to school this morning – and as soon as we arrived a cute little chap with bright red hair ran over and they went in together! So sweet. We are all so relieved! The little red-haired boy is called Miles, the poor little sod.
And ...
Miles has a little sister called Millie. Introduced Millie to Billy and left them to stare at each other over sucked fingers whilst Matt and I chatted to the mum. We told her all about the traumas of the first few days of school. She said she has an informal parent and toddler group at her house twice a week, and invited us to go along with Billy. I might try it.
As we walked away, Billy turned back to look at Millie and Millie flapped the corner of her security blanket and Billy replied with a wave of the rest of her finger-sucking hand. United in despair!
So by half past nine we were home again, and Billy still emotionally intact, even if not exactly full of the joys. But what a relief!
This evening there’s one of those terrifying childbirth films we’ve got to go and watch at the health centre along with all the other expectant parents. I am not looking forward to that at all, and Matt is positively dreading it – which is daft as he’s already been though all this once!
Also, Lill and Joan are going to some baking class together tonight. I would have thought Lill would be able to teach a class, never mind attend one. I seriously doubt she will learn anything. But I suppose Joan’s never seen Lill fully in action yet, so she may not be aware of the extent of Lill’s culinary skills.
This of course means that Sid will be babysitting. He says he will be watching “This Is My Shed” on the Discovery channel. It’s his favourite show. Twice a week, for half an hour (unless it’s a celebrity special), this programme visits a shed and the owner talks Britain’s men through his tool collection, the fixtures he employs for hanging slash displaying said tools, and any other ‘interesting’ items. Last week’s episodes covered a man who brews his own cider (Somerset) and a man who makes his own chain-mail (Sheffield). This week’s episodes are still clothed in delightful mystery. No doubt we will hear all about tonight’s when we get back. Sid did offer to record it for Matt, who, seeing me and Lill standing nearby just scoffed and said, “why would I be interested in that?” I think we all know the answer to that one, girls. Anyway Sid has a couple of beers ready to imbibe as he watches these wonders unfo
ld. It’s his Big Night In. Bless!
I’ve left a copy of Vogue handy in case Billy wakes up. Can just imagine a discussion between her and Sid about appropriate heels for the Autumn!
Later same evening – 11pm
Oh dear! Is it too late to back out of this childbirth malarkey? Have decided it is definitely not for me. Not only did we have to watch a surprisingly graphic tour of the female downstairs-area, but then a rather awful birth in glorious technicolour! One man fainted! At one point I definitely heard Matt mutter “oh my dear God, no!” but he stuck it to the end, I’m proud to say, though when the lights went back on for ‘questions’ he was pale and sticky-looking. As were most of those – male and female – who were present.
To top off the evening a daft hippie-type woman with mad hair came in with her child to do a breast-feeding demonstration. Really didn’t need that. She whipped out her boobs with gay abandon, making no attempt to modestly shield herself and proceeded to feed a child much older than Billy, if not almost Paddy’s age. When I glanced around the room I saw only one person apart from the midwife showing any enthusiasm. The rest – again male and female alike – were watching in horrified fascination from between their fingers. Have decided that if I’m narrow-minded and repressed, I’m happy with that. When we came out I whispered to Matt, “Would you be horribly disappointed in me if we bottle feed?”
He squeezed my hand, clearly relieved, and said, “please do.” If only the medical people knew how off-putting all these kinds of things are. I’m sure a lot more people would breast feed if they didn’t have to watch someone else do it to a teenager first.
When we got back, Sid was in a post-shed-programme dizzy haze, but Lill had come in and begun to bang about in the kitchen, her mouth set in a straight, grim line.