Gloria’s Secret

by Robin Alexander

  I smiled indulgently. “Aw, Barry, they’re not that bad, they taste just like chicken. Right, Tara?”

  Tara’s eyes grew wide as she bit into the piece of chicken on her fork. Her brain caught on to what I’d implied, but the shock of it delayed her motor skills. She chewed the chicken twice before spitting it back onto her plate and gagging.

  “Hayden!” Adrienne yelled as our pleasant dinner came to an end.

  I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t take it back. Half of the group was laughing just as hard; however, Tara and Rachel were not, and Lord help me, neither was Adrienne.

  “I was just playing,” I said between fits of uncontrollable laughter. Tara and Rachel excused themselves from the table, but not before Tara gave me an angry glare. Toni, Tarsha, and Diane were laughing, and Barry and Russell looked at me sympathetically.

  Adrienne disappeared after Tara and Rachel, but not before she shot me a look that said, You will be sleeping in the bar tonight.

  “I really am sorry,” I said as I wiped tears from my eyes. “I shouldn’t have teased her.”

  “I’m sure she’ll forgive you tomorrow after she’s had some sleep,” Russell reassured. “It’s hard to take a joke when you’re tired, and we’ve all had a full day.”

  Dessert was served, and while everyone was happily munching on custard fruit tarts, I thought of a way to make amends. Iris helped me prepare a small serving tray with two desserts and coffee, which I personally delivered to Tara’s cottage.

  Adrienne was standing with Rachel in the doorway, probably still apologizing for my lapse in judgment. “I brought a peace offering since I ruined your dinner,” I said as I approached. “I really am sorry, I shouldn’t have teased her. May I set this inside?”

  Rachel’s eyes lit up at the treats. “Yes, of course.” She followed me inside and cleared a spot on the table in the sitting area.

  I could hear the shower running and was glad that I didn’t have to face Tara at that moment.

  Rachel gently touched my arm as I set the tray down. “It really was a funny joke.” She looked toward the bathroom. “I was just telling Adrienne that Tara does have a sense of humor, you just caught her off-guard.” Rachel lowered her voice conspiratorially. “She may retaliate, though, so be prepared.”

  “I’m kind of looking forward to that,” Adrienne said as she rose an eyebrow.

  I grinned and ducked my head in mock shame. “I’ll deserve whatever I get.”

  Adrienne took me by the hand and turned to Rachel. “If there’s anything else we can do for you, please don’t hesitate to let us know.”

  Rachel smiled. “Will do, good night.”

  “Not one word, Hayden,” Adrienne said as she escorted me away from their cottage. I followed like a child, knowing that I was about to get a scathing reprimand.

  When we were a fair distance from their cottage, Adrienne stopped walking and faced me. Her expression was unreadable as she looked at me, and I unsuccessfully fought the urge to fidget. When she did speak, her voice was low and calm. “Hayden, my love, you’ve got to work on your timing.”

  “Well, Adrienne, my love, as I’m sure you noticed, my timing was flawless.”

  She bowed her head, and I waited for the rebuke that I knew was sure to come. It took me a second to realize her entire body was shaking.

  Oh, she’s really pissed, I thought, but dared not speak.

  Adrienne gasped and looked up at me with tears of laughter in her eyes. “I have never seen anything so funny in my life,”

  Relief flooded every ounce of my being when I realized I wasn’t going to die after all.

  “I thought you were about to choke the life out of me,” I said with a shrug.

  “I wanted to because one of us had to be the nice guy, but you were laughing so hard I knew it had to be me.” Adrienne wiped her eyes. “You know what the really brilliant part was? We all forgot the weird noises after that, and listen, they’ve stopped.”

  She was right. Only the sound of insects and night birds surrounded us.

  I took her hand and tugged her toward the bar. “We really should have discussed how we’re going to handle all the creepy crap going on before tonight.”

  “You’re right, but I think you handled it well at dinner.” Adrienne chuckled. “Honestly, baby, I never know what’s going to come out of that mouth of yours.”

  I shrugged. “Me either.”

  Iris and her capable staff had already cleaned up after dinner and served a few cocktails in our absence. Soft music played in the bar adjoining the dining room, and two of the couples were gathered around a table when we arrived.

  “Did you make peace?” Lucy called out as we walked in.

  “I hope so.” I went behind the bar to pour Adrienne and me a nightcap. “Can I freshen anybody’s drink?”

  “Not for me,” Toni said, “we’re going to bed soon.”

  “Nothing for us, either.” Lucy spoke for her and Diane. “Diane’s had plenty, her eyes are already glazed.”

  Adrienne took her drink and pulled up a chair to their table. “Did the boys already turn in for the night?”

  Tarsha rolled her eyes. “Yes, but not before Barry did his rendition of ‘MoonRiver,’ then said he needed to rest his vocal chords.”

  “Was it that bad?” I asked as I joined the table.

  Toni made a noise that sounded like part groan part growl. “I was going to have to kill him if he sang another note.”

  “You owe us by the way,” Tarsha added. “We talked him out of any more performances. Toni told him that the tropical climate might affect his vocal chords.”

  “Actually, I was going to affect his vocal chords,” Toni said.

  “What do you ladies have planned for tomorrow?” I asked, hoping to change the subject because Toni was scaring me.

  “We were just discussing that when you two came in,” Toni said. “We’re gonna spend the day down at the beach and play a few games of volleyball.”

  Tarsha patted Toni’s arm affectionately. “That is, if I can keep her nose out of a book long enough to get her to play a game or two.”

  “Oh, please don’t mention books,” Lucy said as she shot a look at Diane. “Our suitcases were so heavy because Diane couldn’t decide on what book she wanted to bring—”

  “So she ended up bringing a dozen of them,” Tarsha finished.

  “Yes.” Lucy said as Diane rolled her eyes.

  Tarsha looked at Toni pointedly and said, “If we spent more time doing what’s in most of the books she reads, I’d be a very happy woman.”

  Adrienne and I exchanged amused glances as Toni tucked her head in embarrassment.

  “What exactly is in those books you’ve been reading, Toni?” I couldn’t resist the urge to tease her.

  “There’s a lot more than just sex,” Toni protested. “Mystery, intrigue, adventure—”

  “And lots of hot steamy sex,” Tarsha said. “I know, I read ’em.”

  Diane gave Toni a playful slap on the arm. “We should get together and compare titles.”

  “Sorry, Diane,” Tarsha said with a chuckle. “She’s gonna have to get with me first.”

  Chapter Four

  I had a blissful night of uninterrupted sleep. There was a bird outside my cottage singing a beautiful morning song, and sun streamed through the windows. I arose from an empty bed; Adrienne had already gotten up, showered, and joined our guests for breakfast. So I threw a shoe at the bird, closed the blinds, and climbed back into bed.

  After another hour of restful sleep, I took a shower and went in search of my partner. She was in the bar helping Iris clear away the breakfast dishes.

  Adrienne greeted me with a kiss. “It’s about time you got up.”

  “Are the guests all down at the beach?” I pulled Adrienne against me, causing Iris to make an abrupt departure.

  “They are.” Adrienne nuzzled my neck. “What’s on your mind, sweetie?”

  “Since you let me sleep i
n, I thought I would reward you by—”

  “Excuse me,” Tara said, effectively ruining my seduction.

  Adrienne and I turned to find Tara and Rachel standing behind us. Rachel looked a little embarrassed.

  “Good morning,” I said cheerfully.

  Rachel stepped forward. “Good morning, Hayden. We have a bit of a problem. Is there a doctor on the island?”

  “A doctor?” Adrienne asked in alarm.

  Rachel’s face flushed red. “It’s nothing serious—”

  Tara cleared her throat, making it clear that she didn’t agree.

  Rachel continued, “Tara woke up with a…rash this morning, and we were hoping someone could take a look at it.”

  “Of course,” Adrienne said with obvious relief. “One of our closest friends is a doctor and would love any excuse to join us for lunch. I’ll give her a call right now.”

  Adrienne went straight to the phone and made the call.

  “I have some cortisone cream that might help while we wait for Shelby to arrive,” I offered, hoping to get back into Tara’s good graces.

  “I’ve already applied some, besides I don’t think that will help with monkeypox,” Tara said, causing Rachel to groan.

  Rachel ran her hands through her hair in frustration. “Do not tell people you have monkeypox.”

  Tara squared her shoulders and put her hands on her hips. “How do you know that, Rachel? You’re not a doctor.”

  “Monkeypox is transmitted through contact with infected monkeys, squirrels, or rats. You have not been in contact with any such animal!” Rachel nearly screamed.

  I looked for a way to slip around them and allow the argument to go on in private when Rachel dragged me back into the conversation.

  “Have you ever heard of monkeypox? That’s how obscure a disease it is.”

  I raised my hands in surrender. “To my knowledge, there are no monkeys on the island, and if there are squirrels or rats, there are only a few. I’ve never seen any at the inn. The only wildlife we’ve encountered are snakes.”

  “Snakes!” Tara screamed and started looking around frantically.

  I regretted the words as soon as they sprang from my mouth. “Most are non-poisonous, and because of the cat population, we rarely ever see one around here.”

  “Oh, great, cats!” Tara exclaimed. “That means toxoplasmosis!”

  “Do you have any idea how ridiculous this is?” Rachel was clearly at her wit’s end. Frankly, I was getting there, too.

  “How about you let me have a look at the rash?” I tried a different tack.

  Tara looked at Rachel, who nodded, silently imploring her to allow someone else to talk some sense into her.

  I nearly cried with relief when she rolled up her sleeve. I was so afraid that the rash might have been on more private areas. She timidly thrust her arm out at me, and I saw…nothing.

  “Where exactly is the rash?” I asked.

  “It’s right there.” She pointed to one lonely little red spot on her upper arm.

  “Tara, it’s just one bump,” I said in amazement. “To be considered a rash, this little bump should have lots of friends. I think this is an ingrown hair or maybe even a pimple.”

  “If you don’t mind, I’ll wait for a doctor’s official opinion on this matter,” Tara huffed as she stomped off toward her cottage.

  “She has an entire library of books describing illnesses that you couldn’t dream up in your worst nightmares,” Rachel said with downcast eyes. “I chose this place because I knew there wouldn’t be a lot of people. She gets a little freaked out with crowds and their germs.”

  “Ever tried therapy?” I muttered under my breath when she took a step away from me.

  “Oh, we’ve tried that, too,” Rachel said, and my face colored when she confirmed that she’d heard me. “The therapist ended up seeking professional help of her own. Tara had her convinced after a while that her office was a festering hot bed of germs.”

  Feeling bad about my verbal slip-up, I tried to make amends. “We all have our quirks.”

  Rachel smiled and shook her head ruefully. “She’s probably scrubbing her arm down right now because you touched it. Can you imagine what it’s like to have sex—?”

  “Stop.” I held my hands up in surrender. “I got the picture.”

  I found Adrienne in the supply closet fishing out snorkeling gear for the rest of our guests. I jumped into the fray and started handing out beach towels until the last of the guests ambled down the path leading to the bluff.

  “Sweetie, why don’t you take a nap, and I’ll help Iris with lunch?” It was the least I could offer since I had gotten to sleep in that morning.

  “Colie is actually helping Iris,” Adrienne said with a grin. “I’d like to join the gang down on the beach, be a bum in the sun for a while.”

  I pulled her close and nuzzled her neck. “Do you need help changing into that new bikini of yours?” My fingers slipped under her shirt and toyed with the waistband of her shorts.

  “Don’t you two ever get enough of each other?” a voice called over my shoulder.

  “Hi, Shelby,” Adrienne and I said in unison.

  Adrienne grinned impishly and whispered in my ear, “You can help me with the bikini later.” Then she kissed me and said loud enough for Shelby to hear, “I’ll leave you two to care for our terminally ill guest.”

  Shelby looked perplexed.

  “Don’t worry, Doc, it’s nothing serious, just a rash if you could call it that.” I draped my arm over her shoulder and led her to the patient’s cottage.

  Rachel and I were ushered outside to wait while Tara was examined “lest we distract the doctor”—Tara’s words. Minutes later, Shelby emerged; her face was covered with red blotches that trailed down her jaw and neck. She nodded toward Rachel, indicating that she could go back inside.

  When we were alone, Shelby ran a hand through her short blond locks and glared at me. “You could have warned me, Monkey Chops. Now fix me a drink.”

  We returned to the bar where I mixed a bourbon and Seven for Shelby, heavy on the bourbon, with a dash of Seven.

  Shelby took a long drink before narrowing her eyes at me. “She was not happy with my diagnosis.”

  “Which was?”

  “A pimple or ingrown hair.” Shelby took another long drink. “Then she accused me of being a fake and demanded to see my credentials.” Shelby expelled a loud breath that sounded like a hiss. “She said if I’d gone to some real school and not a ‘coconut college’ that I’d recognize the onset of monkeypox.”

  “You want another drink?” I asked when Shelby began to suck the ice cubes clinking in the bottom of her empty glass.

  She shook her head. Her face was still flushed with anger. “I explained to Tara that if she required a second opinion she could take a stump jumper to Nassau for a nominal fee. A ‘real’ doctor would prescribe acne wash or just plain soap and water for her papular issue.”

  “I imagine you see a lot of patients like Tara. I’m only blessed with them for two-week intervals.”

  Shelby shot me a stern look. “Unless she’s bleeding profusely or stops breathing, I don’t want to see her again.”

  Shelby calmed down enough to eat lunch, then left us after reminding me of her warning several more times. Adrienne and I strolled down to the beach where a spirited game of volleyball was under way. Toni and Tarsha were playing against Diane and Lucy. Barry and Russell were in the water snorkeling around a reef not far offshore.

  Tara had apparently had a miraculous recovery and was liberally covering herself with sun block. Rachel howled with disapproval when Tara poured a glob of the stuff onto her back and began to rub it in.

  “Adrienne, I know we’re supposed to mingle with the guests, but if you guide me over to them,” I nodded in Tara’s direction, “I’m gonna cut myself with a shell for an excuse to escape. I’m talking deep, with blood spurting everywhere.”

  “I wouldn’t do that to either
of us, sweetie.” Adrienne grinned as she led us to a group of empty chairs. We spread out our towels on the chairs, settled down, and watched the activity.

  Toni had spiked the ball for the tenth time when Diane requested a break. Diane and Lucy grabbed a couple of drinks and settled down with us, while Toni and Tarsha cooled off in the surf.

  Diane gulped at her water and flopped back in her chair. “I love this place. It’s so much better than being cramped in an office with phones that never stop ringing.”

  “What kind of work do you do?” Adrienne asked.

  “I’m a debt collector,” Diane said with a grunt. “It’s not my dream job, but it pays the bills.”

  “That’s an unpopular job,” I chimed in. “No wonder you needed a break.”

  Diane poured the rest of her water over her head and winced at the cold. “Yeah, it’s right up there with being a proctologist. We both deal with assholes, only the ass doctor makes more money.”

  “Good anal-ogy.” I grinned at my quip that slipped by unnoticed.

  “Don’t get me wrong,” Diane continued, “there are some people that get into a squeeze because of illness or they lose their job. I approach each case with compassion and try to come up with an equitable solution, but then there are those who are clearly not interested in paying.”

  “How do you know when a person is just trying to take advantage?” Adrienne asked.

  Diane laughed. “Oh, they usually begin the conversation with ‘piss off, bitch, I ain’t paying jack shit,’ then all my compassion just flies out the window.”

  Diane patted Lucy on the leg affectionately. “If I had one ounce of the talent that Lucy does, I’d be out of there in a heartbeat.”

  “I paint murals in kids’ bedrooms,” Lucy said timidly. “Mostly cartoon characters or aquatic scenes.”

  Diane grinned with pride. “Don’t let her fool you, she’s an amazing artist.” Lucy seemed a little embarrassed by the attention and changed the subject; she suggested that they challenge Toni and Tarsha to another game.

  We watched as they took the court, and I was impressed by the way Toni and Tarsha played in perfect synchronicity, each anticipating her partner’s next move. Toni looked and moved like an athlete, but I would have never dreamed that her ultra feminine partner possessed the agility that she did. She was fast on her feet and set the ball for a spike whenever she could.