‘Daniel! Dydd da. How’re you doing, mate?’
‘I’m good… mate,’ I said mechanically. ‘It’s good to see you.’
‘Ah yeah, particularly under these special circumstances.’ He gave me a wide smile. He was a handsome bastard, as fresh faced as he’d been during our childhoods. His neatly combed hair retained its sandy blond color.
‘Hmm, it’s certainly a special circumstance for you.’
‘What did you think of the book?’ He signed my copy.
‘I thought it was very good…’
‘You were always a good storyteller, Daniel. Why don’t you try getting a novel published yourself?’ The question was asked amiably, but I could detect an air of condescension about him.
‘That’s a good question. Maybe I will someday. I’ve just been concentrating on the acting business lately.’
‘Acting?’
‘Yeah.’
Elliott smiled politely. Again, I was certain he’d spoken in a patronizing tone. I suddenly felt like a child again. I knew Elliott still felt the need to compete with me.
‘It’d be good if you became a writer. We could compete, like in the old days.’
‘Compete in what way exactly?’
‘Well, you know…’
‘You mean compete over who has the most success?’ My eyes became momentary slits.
‘Well, it’d be fun.’ Elliott grinned again. He might have been my old friend but, at that moment, I really wanted to smack that grin off his fine-looking face.
‘I’m sure it would. I get the feeling we’ll never stop competing.’
‘We haven’t got anything to compete over these days.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You haven’t had a novel published.’ He coughed delicately.
‘Give me time,’ I snapped. ‘Like I said, I’ve been concentrating on acting.’
‘Very difficult business that.’
‘I know. But so is writing. I’ll be patient.’ I felt like a real loser.
‘I heard you had a little poetry book published, but that was a few years ago now.’
‘Yeah, that’s right.’
‘Anyway, it was nice seeing you again. I’ve written my phone number in your copy of the book. I’m living back in Cardiff now. We’ll have to meet up someday.’
‘That would be delightful.’ I inwardly scorned myself for sounding so sarcastic.
I regretted being so blatantly jealous of him. But I went home and decided I’d write a book and see if I could get it published. If Elliott could do it, then so could I.
I fancied writing a children’s novel, based on a recent dream I’d had. In the dream, I was a child bathing in a public swimming pool. I discovered another world at the bottom of the pool, inhabited by anthropomorphic animals. I befriended these animals and tried to defend them against the government’s plans to knock the pool down. Nobody believed me when I told them about my multilingual friends, because I was the only one who could see them.
The book was entitled Dreams of Another World. I was proud of it and thought it deserved to be read. Various publishers rejected me, but I found the right one eventually. I’d finally become a published novelist. The book wasn’t a bestseller, and I doubt it caused Elliott to so much as raise an inquisitive eyebrow. But I’d made a good start. I now knew I could balance my ambitions of becoming a writer with my progress in the acting industry.
I really wanted my mother to know about my success, but we hadn’t spoken for ages. I talked to Lauren about this.
‘I think you should speak to her,’ Lauren said, drinking coffee in our claustrophobic kitchen.
‘I would, but I can’t stand the way she tries to knock me down all the time.’
‘Yeah, but sometimes that’s just what mothers do. And I know she does it for your own good. It hardens you.’
‘I’ve been hardened enough,’ I said.
‘She really loves you.’
‘You don’t know her.’
‘Oh, come on, Daniel. You know she loves you!’
‘Yeah, I know she loves me. She just has a strange way of showing it, that’s all.’
‘Life is far too short to hold grudges, babes.’
‘I know.’ I sighed. ‘I really want to tell her I’ve had a book published. But I don’t think she’d really care.’
‘You know she’d be proud of you. Even if she didn’t show it.’
‘Yes, but I wish she would show it!’
‘I’m sure she shows you how much she cares sometimes. Like you said before, she just does it in her own way.’
‘I’ve had enough of being called deluded,’ I snapped.
‘She worries about your future.’ Lauren took a sip of her coffee.
‘Oh, she thinks you’re deluded as well.’
‘Really?’
‘Yeah, didn’t you get that when she said you were screwy for helping me learn the lines of “ridiculous” plays?’
‘She said that?’ Lauren looked affronted.
‘Surely you remember?’
‘Ah, well. She’s a strange woman, your mother. But I don’t think you should take her so seriously.’
‘Everything I do is for her. I work so hard just to make her proud.’
‘You must miss her. You haven’t spoken in a while.’
‘It’s been long enough to bang out a novel and get it published. Of course I miss her.’ I looked at the cloudy mist in my mug of steaming coffee. ‘But she’s probably glad she got rid of me. I think she sees me as an embarrassment. Unless I win an Oscar, she’ll never be impressed.’
‘I don’t think that’s true. She doesn’t see you as an embarrassment,’ Lauren said. ‘I bet she really misses you too.’
‘She won’t be interested until I’ve become a household name. Having a children’s book published won’t redeem my choice to quit the PhD. She’ll just tell me, “You’re no Roald Dahl”.’ I finished my coffee and kissed Lauren’s cheek. ‘Love your face, princess.’
‘Love yours too.’ She grinned. ‘I just wish you weren’t so bloody stubborn!’
I don’t know how Lauren put up with my childishness. But she guided me, and I loved and worshipped her.
It had been a surreal experience, meeting Elliott again after all those years. The past is often recycled, reappearing in the present. When you feel you’ve moved on, when you feel the past is lost, old flames come back to test you. A figure from the past would soon reappear in my life, and test my relationship with Lauren. I would be torn between Lauren and the first girl I’d ever fallen for - Lisa.
I put my mug of coffee in the sink, got dressed and went shopping on my own, in central Cardiff. I was oblivious to the various faces passing me by as I drifted through the sunlit streets. But then I saw Lisa for the first time since we’d broken up. At first, she was just a fleeting image in the corner of my eye. But old feelings instantly revived in a skipped heartbeat, and I knew she’d just walked past me.
I wish I hadn’t stopped walking. I should have carried on in the opposite direction and accepted that our paths were separate. But something came over me. I suddenly forgot about Lauren. I went back to my college days in that misty moment, and Lisa became the only girl in my life.
I stopped moving and an old lady bumped into me, nearly knocking her false teeth out. I apologized profusely and followed Lisa. Feelings I never thought would come back swirled around in my chest as my heart thundered. I passed a busker who played somberly on an acoustic guitar (the opening chords of Eric Clapton’s Wonderful Tonight, G D C D) and, quickening my pace, caught up with my past.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Forever is a Long Time
‘Lisa!’
‘Daniel! Well, this is a nice surprise.’
We hugged. She felt so warm, as if she belonged in my arms. But Lisa wasn’t mine anymore, and once the heat subsided a fleeting sense of loss came over me.
‘Where are you living now?’ I asked.
�
�After I got my degree I bagged myself a flat down Cardiff Bay.’
‘You must have some cash to get a place there!’
‘I have a job in advertising. I suppose the pay is pretty decent. So what are you up to these days?’
‘Well, I’ve had a novel published.’ I had to mention my literary success before my underwhelming progress in the acting business.
‘That’s brilliant! What sort of book is it?’
‘A children’s novel.’
‘Funny, I never pictured you as a children’s writer!’
‘Me neither. I doubt I’ll ever write another children’s book, but it was an interesting experience.’
‘Well, that’s pretty amazing anyway.’
We walked together. Lisa still avoided the pavement cracks. We spoke about Michael’s funeral, which she’d been unable to attend.
‘I was heartbroken.’ She shook her head disconsolately. ‘He was such a lovely guy.’
‘I miss him. A hell of a lot. Sometimes I feel lost without him to be honest.’
‘Incidentally, my dad passed away a few months ago.’
‘Oh…’
‘He was an alcoholic, living with some slag in Ely. He took his own life after an argument with her. I guess the drink wasn’t enough to keep him happy.’ She concluded with a resentful sigh.
‘Were you upset?’
‘I guess so. Even though he did his best to hurt me and ruin my childhood, I still loved him in a strange sort of way.’
‘You went through some difficult times as a kid, but you’ve definitely come out of it all as a success story.’
‘So have you.’ Lisa chuckled. ‘I think your mum has a lot to do with that. She did everything for you.’
‘Yeah, I know.’
‘She always made me giggle. Sometimes I’d see her walking down the street and she’d stop, look into thin air for about five minutes. It was strange, but funny!’
‘Yeah, she used to do that whenever she took me shopping. I couldn’t snap her out of those states, even when people were laughing or colliding into the back of her. It’s a shame we don’t speak anymore.’
‘You don’t?’
‘No. We had a falling out.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that. Seems we only have bad news to tell these days.’
‘Not all bad news.’ I smiled.
Lisa asked me if I wanted to see her flat. As soon as we made it through her door, everything became a blur. The room swirled around us. It was as if we’d been pulled together by an invisible cord. The electricity had been overwhelming, building up to a euphoric crescendo.
Once the ecstasy of lovemaking had abated, guilt washed over me. What the fuck had I done? What about Lauren?
Lisa kissed me lingeringly on the lips as I left her. She handed me a slip of paper with her number written on it. But all I could think about was how I would tell Lauren what had happened. I spoke in monosyllables and left Lisa’s place zombified.
I realized when I made it back to my flat that I needed to think things over. My head was too mixed up for breaking her heart just yet. I loved Lauren. I didn’t think I loved Lisa anymore, but something had prevented me from parting with her, from exorcising that childhood ghost. Kissing her, having sex with her, had felt as natural as breathing. I understood what a bastard I’d been, but it had honestly felt unavoidable at the time. I know how bad that sounds, and it’s hard to explain, but a great force had pulled Lisa and me together at that moment in her flat. Years of knowing each other, caring, sharing our childhoods, teenage years, first love.
I visited Lisa a couple of days later. I couldn’t have both of these girls in my life.
‘Things have changed between us,’ she said, as I sat on the edge of her bed.
‘How do you mean?’ I croaked, knowing exactly what she meant.
‘The other day, I felt like I was just a fuck. It never used to feel that way. We used to be passionate together.’
‘You weren’t just a fuck.’
‘You don’t have feelings for me anymore, do you?’
‘Of course I have feelings for you. I have always had feelings for you.’
‘But…’
‘But I’ve done a very selfish thing.’
‘You’ve met somebody else, haven’t you?’
‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘I have.’
‘I didn’t meet anyone at university who compared to you. There’s never been anyone else for me.’ Lisa searched my eyes. ‘Who is she?’
‘Her name is Lauren.’
‘She must be special.’
‘She is. Lisa, you were the first girl I ever loved. I’ll always have a place for you in my heart.’
‘Cringe! You’re still as cheesy as ever… I can’t believe you met somebody else. It was such a shame we had to break up. It killed me inside.’ Tears filled her pretty eyes.
‘I know. It killed me inside as well. But I did a very stupid thing when I came here the other day. I always thought we’d be together, and I wouldn’t meet someone else. But…’
‘I thought we’d get back together. I never really believed our break-up was the end. But you’ve met someone else, and you don’t think we can be together again.’
‘Yeah,’ I whispered. ‘Life doesn’t always go to plan, does it?’
‘I still love you, Daniel.’
‘I don’t want to ruin things with Lauren.’ I felt overwhelming sadness stir in my stomach. I wanted to retch this intense emotion, to let it all out.
‘I love you enough to set you free, clichéd and naff as that sounds.’ She sighed. ‘I’m sorry that I’m stuck in the past.’
I thought I’d moved on from Lisa, but I’d hoped to experience the past one last time. I loved Lauren more than I could ever love another girl and nothing could change that. I’d learned so many lessons from my relationship with Lisa. But my path in life wasn’t the same as hers. For a moment, we’d stumbled across each other again. It could be only for a moment. I couldn’t abandon Lauren. I had to move on. I’d found the perfect girl for me. Maybe, in another world, Lisa and I would be together. But not this world. Not this universe. I’d made my decision. Sleeping with her had been a mistake. I’d gone backwards, seeking what had once been instead of concentrating on what mattered. The past isn’t tangible. It can only be accessed through our memories.
I was so fucking scared that I might lose my girlfriend.
I forgot about the past as I gazed into Lisa’s teary eyes. All that mattered was the future. My future with Lauren. We had so much more to do. So much further to go in the relationship. We hadn’t lived together for long. I mean, Christ, we were only just getting to the really good bits. It felt like I’d been watching the Daniel and Lauren movie and, despite loving where the story was going, had pressed the stop button just before the pivotal scene.
‘It’s wrong of me to question everything,’ I said. ‘Maybe, subconsciously, I’ve questioned my relationship with my girlfriend.’
‘It’s human nature to question. But things are never perfect. I don’t think I could handle everything always being rosy. We’re not meant to live in the Garden of Eden. You love this girl. I can tell by the way you look when you talk about her. I remember that look, that smoldering thing you do with your eyes: you two must be pretty close to perfect together. As perfect as you can be. You’re right, you shouldn’t have questioned that.’
‘Maybe this was meant to happen.’ I brushed a comma of hair away from my forehead.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Even if I never admitted it, there were always unanswered questions. I felt we split up before we should have. That always nagged away at me. It didn’t feel right.’
‘Maybe we did split up before we should have.’ She tousled her hair, a trace of her strawberry scent filling the room.
‘But now I know that’s how it was meant to be. I’ve learned lessons from the time we spent as a couple. Even though it felt like we should have stayed together and that nothing
good could come of breaking up…’
‘I’m gonna miss not having you here to look after me. It’s been a long time, but I never stopped missing you.’ Tears streamed down her cheeks. I wanted to wipe them away, to kiss her eyelids. But no, we weren’t a couple anymore.
‘One day, you will find the right guy. He’ll look after you better than I ever could, and you’ll laugh at all this. All this serious relationship talk will seem so funny, so trivial and theatrical.’ My eyelashes became wet. Lisa’s tears were infectious.
‘Right now, I don’t think I’ll ever find the right guy. I don’t think I could ever laugh at this.’
‘I’m certain of it. It’s hard to believe we’ll never be together again. It was hard to believe when we broke up. It hurt then and it hurts now, but I have to accept it. I love Lauren. Can you accept it too?’
‘Accept what?’
‘What you have to understand. What we both have to understand and acknowledge. This is the end for us, forever.’
‘Forever is a long time.’ She wiped her tears away.
I’ll never forget those words. Forever is a long time. That sentence would haunt me in the future. Some things are lost to us. Permanently lost. That fact is so painful, and I would feel that pain repeatedly in my life. Lisa’s words would echo in my mind as life threw more challenges at me, as life stripped me, as life built me up, as life did what it does to the living.
Sometimes, you can’t avoid the pavement cracks.
All I could picture was me lying next to Lisa, that overwhelming sensation of guiltiness washing over me. That initial moment of realization. That microsecond of agony, a twinge in my chest region.
I went for a walk before I told Lauren. During that balmy morning, I passed my mother’s house. It had been so wrong of me to stop talking to my mother. So wrong to compromise my relationship with Lauren. I was a great advertisement for the ignorance and follies of youth during that period. I was so fucking feckless, but my youth was waning and I knew I’d learn from my mistakes if the people I’d hurt would give me another chance.
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