‘I have to go back to the hospital,’ I said, once I’d finished praying.
I walked out of the church and through the soundless dark. I knew. I knew what was going to happen. What had to happen.
I had to let Lauren go. Time passed. The hours became days, the days became weeks, and the weeks became months. Lauren still looked as if she were alive, though she grew pale and gaunt. She was still breathing, but the cessation of her brainstem functions meant she had passed on.
On that final morning, I held Lauren’s warm hand in mine. I kissed her lips and listened to her soft breathing, until her breathing became so soft that it ceased to be.
‘Bonne nuit et beaux rêves… Have beautiful dreams, babes,’ I whispered.
The stifling heat of that day hit me as I left the hospital with Emily in my arms. A crowd of photographers watched me, but they didn’t take any photographs. They just observed in penitent silence. They knew I’d lost my princess. Another chapter had been written, another image of horror for the tabloid press. But even though she’d just left me, I could still feel Lauren’s presence - especially when I gazed into Emily’s blue eyes.
*
The hearse journeyed through the bustling streets, its route carpeted by an array of flowers: bouquets of lavender, white roses, gerbera daisies and delphiniums. Wreaths were fashioned into the word ‘princess’, and colorful coffin sprays lay on the casket. The sun stood motionless, its gentle beams of light trickling over the cracked paths, the grey buildings and steeple tops. And the day marched on, ceaseless, merciless and disregarding.
CHAPTER FIFTY-SIX
Heaven Has No Time
I bought a place in Barry on an estate near Gibbonsdown and awaited the legal consequences of faking my death. I focused on raising Emily up, my gift from Lauren. She looked so much like her mother that watching her made me feel slightly at ease. But sometimes I’d look into her eyes and feel like a knife had just cut through my windpipe. Lauren was still here, and yet she was gone.
I invited Lisa and Elliott to my place for lunch one day. They were reminders of my childhood and I wanted to see them again. Elliott had married a gorgeous blonde named Laura. He’d received critical acclaim for his latest novel Cosmeston Lakes, and was at the height of his authorial capabilities. He’d just been hired as screenwriter for a new adventure television series about four magical treasures from Irish mythology.
Lisa had married a Scottish born civil engineer named James. They had two little boys, who both had dark hair and Lisa’s green eyes.
Elliott, Lisa and I sat at an oak dining table, while Lisa’s boys played with Emily. I’d prepared a meal of tagliatelle with Bolognese sauce. As I poured their drinks, I told Elliott and Lisa that I wanted no sympathy. I still had my memories, and Lauren had left me a gorgeous baby girl. The newspapers were full of nonsense. I would explain to them how stupid I’d been.
‘Well, you’re a bigger mystery than Edwin Drood!’ Elliott said.
I told them about the island and how I’d recognized my mistake. And then we talked about other things. We spoke about our separate lives, the diverging paths we’d taken.
Emily had fallen asleep on a soft rug in the corner of the room, so I carried her upstairs to her cot. She woke up, crying for another dummy, even though she had one in her mouth.
‘I can’t see your smile now,’ I whispered, as I handed her the other dummy.
She closed her little eyes and fell asleep. I kissed her forehead and went downstairs again.
‘It’s funny,’ Lisa said, ‘how things turn out.’
‘Yeah.’ I poured myself another drink. ‘It really is.’
‘Sometimes, I feel we have very little control. Someone else writes our lives for us. We’re just characters, like the ones in your books.’
‘Things rarely go to plan.’ Elliott sampled his wine.
‘But you’re both happy, right?’ I smiled at Lisa.
‘Yep. I’m happy,’ Elliott said.
‘Me too.’ Lisa grinned.
‘We must take the tide by the flood,’ I said. ‘There are things we lose and things we gain. But we mustn’t forget our roots. That’s why I asked you to come here. We’ve been parted and reunited on various occasions. And I’m sure that, given our busy lives, we still won’t see each other very often.’
‘That doesn’t have to be the case,’ Elliott interposed.
‘Yeah, I’d happily meet up with you guys whenever possible,’ Lisa added, her eyes growing big like springtime leaves.
‘Okay. I’d like that very much!’ I laughed. ‘But I’m kinda dependent on fate.’
‘You mean your upcoming court appearance?’ Elliott asked.
‘Yeah.’
‘There’s every chance you’ll get off lightly, given your circumstances…’
‘I don’t know. What matters is that we never forget each other, guys.’
‘Oh, Daniel, you’re such a soppy git. We’ll always remember you and your wild stories!’
‘And I’ll always remember your boring ones, mate.’
‘I’ll never forget the water fights!’ Lisa chuckled.
‘I guess we live for moments.’ I gazed into my friends’ eyes. ‘And we’ve had plenty together!’
‘To us!’ Elliott raised his glass.
‘To us!’
‘Mates forever!’ Lisa accidentally spilled some wine on her blouse.
*
The wind squalled, spattering rain against the window. I wiped my eyes on the sleeve of my shirt and stared at the blank white computer screen. The aqueous light from a lampshade washed over my face and cast spectral shadows across the room. The sound of rain hitting the debris that filled the gutters outside became an intermittent melody, filtering into my mind, dictating my thoughts. Each droplet a fresh word rising to the surface of my imagination.
So much pain. It hurt so bad. I’d put on a brave face, tried to focus all my attention on Emily. But it was killing me inside. I’d do anything for one more moment with Lauren. Just one more. Without her, I felt lost. Incomplete. This was my only release. A way of resurrecting ghosts. The friends and loved ones I’d lost. The voices of all the writers I’d read impacting on every word I wrote. Achieving immortality.
My hands lingered over the keyboard and then, with a sigh, I typed a sentence: I can’t remember a time when I didn’t expect to be famous.
*
That evening, I clutched my pillow, twisting, turning, steeped in thoughts. I wondered what Emily would grow up to be. A writer or an actor? Or would she take a different career path to me? I’d been told your kids never went in the direction you expected them to. That didn’t matter as long as she grew up happy. Images flickered in the darkness as I closed my eyes and finally drifted into sleep. I imagined myself standing on the beach in Barry, where I’d spent time fishing with Michael. I imagined the cold air, the tide of pebbles and the grey sky. Lauren emerged, through the sea of clouds, with Emily in her arms.
She’d always been watching over me, from timeless heaven. She’d guided me even when I was a boy, and I could feel her presence beside my bed that evening, sifting into my dreams. She raised her finger to her lips. Told me to hush. She’d forgiven me.
The wind stopped squalling. The rain pattered on the debris with less frequency, until everything became silent.
The grey would fade away, and Lauren would always smile down at me from the word scrawled sky. Our story hadn’t ended yet. It didn’t need an epilogue.
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