Paul stared at me a moment and then he got up and walked down to the edge of the water. I watched him just stand there, kicking some stones into the water, thinking, realizing, coming to terms with what I had told him. I knew that the same sort of tumult that was going on in his heart had gone on in mine, and the same sort of confusion was whirling around in his head. He shook his head again, more vigorously this time, and turned back to me.
"We have all these photographs, pictures of my mother when she was pregnant with me, pictures of me right after I was born, and--"
"Lies," I said. "All pretend, deceptions to hide the sinful acts."
"No, you're wrong. It's all a terrible, stupid mistake, don't you see?" he said, folding his hands into fists. "And we're being made to suffer for it. I'm sure it can't be true." He nodded, convincing himself. "I'm sure," he said, walking back to me.
"Grandmere Catherine wouldn't lie to me, Paul."
"No, your Grandmere wouldn't lie to you, but maybe she thought by telling you this story, she could keep you from getting involved with me and that was good because my family would make such a stink and you and I would suffer. Sure, that's it," he said, comfortable with the theory. "I'll prove it to you. I don't know how I will right now, but I will and then . . . then we'll be together just as we dreamed we would."
"Oh, Paul, how I wish you were right," I said.
"I am," he said confidently. "You'll see. I'll get beat up over you at another fais dodo yet," he added, laughing. I smiled but turned away.
"What about Suzzette?" I asked.
"I don't love Suzzette. I never did. I just had to have someone to. . . to . . ."
"To make me jealous?" I asked, turning back quickly.
"Yes," he confessed.
"I don't blame you for doing that, only you did it very convincingly," I said, smiling.
"Well, I'm . . good at it."
We laughed. Then I grew serious again and reached up for his hand. He helped me stand. We were inches apart, facing each other.
"I don't want you to be hurt, Paul. Don't put too much hope in your disproving the things Grandmere Catherine told me. Promise me that when you find out the truth . . ."
"I won't find out the lie," he insisted.
"Promise me," I pursued, "promise that if you find out that what Grandmere told me is true, you will accept it as I have and go on to love someone else as much. Promise me."
"I can't," he said. "I can't love anyone else as much as I love you, Ruby. It's not possible."
He embraced me and I buried my face in his shoulder for a moment. He drew me closer. Beneath his shirt, I could feel his steady heartbeat. Then I felt his lips on my hair and I closed my eyes and dreamed we were far away, living in a world where there were no lies and deceit, where it was always spring and where the sunshine touched your heart as well as your face and made you forever young.
The screech of a marsh hawk made me lift my head quickly. I saw it seize a smaller bird, one that might have just learned how to fly, and then go off with its prize, unconcerned that it left some mother bird destroyed, too.
"Sometimes I hate it here," I said quickly. "Sometimes, I feel like I don't belong."
Paul looked at me with surprise.
"Of course you belong here," he said. It was on the tip of my tongue to fell him the rest of it, to tell him about my twin sister and my real father who lived in a big house somewhere in New Orleans, but I shut the lid on the truth. Enough had been revealed for one day.
"I'd better get back inside and continue to greet the people," I said, starting toward the house.
"I'll come with you and stay with you as long as I can," he said. "My parents sent over some food. I gave it to Mrs. Livaudis. They send their regards. They would have come themselves but . ."
He stopped in the middle of his explanation and smirked. "I'm not making any excuses for them. My father doesn't like your grandpere," he said.
I wanted to tell him why; I wanted to go on and on and give him all the details Grandmere Catherine had given me, but I thought enough was enough. Let him discover as much of the truth as he was able to himself, as much of it as he was able to face. For truth was a bright light and just like any bright light, it was hard to look into it.
I nodded. He hurried to join me, to thread his arm through mine, and return to the wake to sit beside me where he didn't fully realize or yet believe he belonged. After all, it was his grandmother, too, who had died.
8
It's Hard to Change
.
Grandmere Catherine's funeral was one of the
biggest ever held in Terrebone Parish, for practically all of the mourners who had come to the wake and then some came to the services in church and at the cemetery. Grandpere Jack was on his best behavior and wearing the best clothes he could get. With his hair brushed, his beard trimmed, and his boots cleaned and polished, he looked more like a responsible member of the community. He told me he hadn't been in church since his mother's funeral, but he sat beside me and sang the hymns and recited the prayers. He stood at my side at the cemetery, too. It seemed like as long as he didn't have any whiskey flowing through his veins, he was quiet and respectful.
Paul's parents came to the church, but not to the cemetery. Paul came to the graveside by himself and stood on the other side of me. We didn't hold hands, but he made his close presence known with a touch or a word.
Father Rush began his prayers and then delivered his last blessing. And then the coffin was lowered. Just when I had thought my sorrow had gone as deeply as it could into my very soul; just when I had thought my heart could be torn no more, I felt the sorrow go deeper and tear more. Somehow, even though she was dead, with her body still in the house, with her face in quiet repose, I had not fully
understood how final her death was, but now, with the sight of her coffin going down, I could not remain strong. I could not accept that she would not be there to greet me in the morning and to comfort me before bed. I could not accept that we wouldn't be working side by side, struggling to provide for ourselves; I could not accept that she wouldn't be singing over the stove or marching down the steps to go on one of her treater missions. I didn't have the strength. My legs became sticks of butter and collapsed beneath me. Neither Paul nor Grandpere could get to me before my body hit the earth and my eyes shut out the reality.
I awoke on the front seat of the car that brought us to the cemetery. Someone had gone to a nearby brook and dipped a handkerchief into the water. Now, the cool, refreshing liquid helped me regain
consciousness. I saw Mrs. Livaudis leaning over me, stroking my hair, and I saw Paul standing right behind her, a look of deep concern on his face.
"What happened?" "You just fainted, dear, and we carried you to the car. How are you now?" she asked.
"I'm all right," I said. "Where's Grandpere Jack?" I asked. I tried sitting up, but my head began to spin and I had to fall back against the seat.
"He went off already," Mrs. Livaudis said, smirking, "with his usual swamp bums. You just rest there, dear. We're taking you home now. Just rest," she advised.
"I'll be right behind you," Paul said, leaning in. I tried to smile and then closed my eyes. By the time we reached the house, I felt strong enough to get up and walk to the galerie steps. There were dozens of people waiting to help. Mrs. Thibodeau directed I be taken up to my room. They helped me off with my shoes and I lay back, now feeling more embarrassed than exhausted.
"I'm fine," I insisted. "I'll be all right. I should go downstairs and--"
"You just lie here awhile, dear," Mrs. Livaudis said. "We'll bring you something cool to drink."
"But I should go downstairs . . . the people . . ."
"Everything's taken care of. Just rest a bit more," Mrs. Thibodeau said. I did as they ordered. Mrs. Livaudis returned with some cold lemonade. I felt a lot better after I had drunk it and said so.
"If you're up to it then, the Tate boy wants to see how you are. He's chomping at the
bit and pacing up and down at the foot of the stairs like an expectant father," Mrs. Livaudis said, smiling.
"Yes, please, send him in," I said, and Paul was permitted to come upstairs.
"How are you doing?" he asked quickly.
"I'm all right. I'm sorry I was so much trouble," I moaned. "I wanted everything to go smooth and proper for Grand m e re."
"Oh, it did. It was the most. . . most impressive funeral I've ever seen. No one could remember more people attending one, and you did fine. Everyone understands."
"Where's Grandpere Jack?" I asked. "Where did he go to so quickly?"
"I don't know, but he just arrived a little while ago. He's downstairs, greeting people on the galerie."
"Was he drinking?"
"A little," Paul lied.
"Paul Tate, you'd better practice more if you're going to try to deceive me," I said. "You're no harder to see through than a clean windowpane."
He laughed.
"He'll be all right. Too many people around him," Paul assured me, but no sooner had he uttered the words than we heard the shouting from below.
"Don't you tell me what to do and what not to do in my own house!" Grandpere raved. "You may run the pants off your men at your homes, but you ain't running off mine. Now just get your butts on outta here and make it quick. Go on, get!"
That was followed by a chorus of uproars and more shouting.
"Help me go down, Paul. I've got to see what he's doing," I said. I got out of bed, slipped into my shoes, and went down to the kitchen where Grandpere had a jug of whiskey in his hands and was already swaying as he glared at the small crowd of mourners in the doorway.
"Whatcha all gapin' at, huh? You never seen a man in mourning? You never seen a man who just buried his wife? Quit your gapin' and go about your business," he cried, took another swig, swayed, and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. His eyes were blazing. "Go on!" he shouted again, when no one moved.
"Grandpere!" I cried. He gazed at me with those bleary eyes. Then he swung the jug against the sink, smashing it and its contents all over the kitchen. The women shrieked and he howled. He was terrible in his anger, frightening as he whumped around with an energy too great to confine in such a small space.
Paul embraced me and pulled me back up the stairs.
"Wait until he calms down," he said. We heard Grandpere scream again and then we heard the mourners flee the house, the women who had brought their families, grabbing up their children and getting into their trucks and cars with their husbands to hightail it away.
Grandpere ranted and raved awhile longer. Paul sat beside me on my bed and held my hand. We listened until it grew very quiet downstairs.
"He's settled down," I said. "I'd better go down and start cleaning up."
"I'll help," Paul said.
We found Grandpere collapsed in a rocker on the galerie, snoring. I mopped up the kitchen and cleared away the pieces of broken jug while Paul wiped down our table and straightened up the furniture.
"You'd better go home now, Paul," I said as soon as we were finished. "Your parents are probably wondering where you are so long."
"I hate to leave you here with that . . . that drunk. They ought to lock him up and throw the key away for doing what he did this time. It's not right that Grandmere Catherine's gone and he's still around, and it's not safe for you."
"I'll be all right. You know how he gets after he has his tantrum. He'll just sleep it off and then wake up hungry and sorry for what he did."
Paul smiled, shook his head, and then reached to caress my cheek, his eyes soft and warm.
"My Ruby, always optimistic."
"Not always, Paul," I said sadly. "Not anymore."
"I'll stop by in the morning," he promised. "To see how things are."
I nodded.
"Ruby, I . ."
"You had better go, Paul," I said. "I don't want any more nasty scenes today."
"All right." He kissed me quickly on the cheek before rising. "I'm going to talk to my father," he promised. "I'm going to get at the truth of things."
I tried to smile, but my face was like dry, brittle china from all the tears and sadness. I was afraid I might simply shatter to pieces right before his eyes.
"I will," Paul pledged at the doorway. Then he was gone.
I sighed deeply, put some of the food away, and walked upstairs to lie down again. I had never felt so tired. I did sleep through a good part of the rest of the day. If anyone came to the house, I didn't hear them. But early in the evening, I heard pots clanking and furniture being shoved around. I sat up, for a moment, very confused. Then, my wits returning, I got out of bed quickly and went downstairs to find Grandpere on his hands and knees tugging at some loose
floorboards. Every cabinet door was thrown wide open and all of our pots and pans had been taken out of the cabinets and lay strewn about.
"Grandpere, what are you doing?" I asked. He turned and gazed at me with eyes I hadn't seen before, eyes of accusation and anger.
"I know she's got it hidden somewhere here," he said. "I didn't find it in her room, but I know she's got it somewhere. Where is it, Ruby? I need it," he moaned.
"Need what, Grandpere?"
"Her stash, her money. She always had a pile set aside for a rainy day. Well, my rainy days have come. I need it to get my motor fixed, to get some new equipment." He sat back on his haunches. "I got to work harder to make a go of it for both of us, Ruby. Where is it?"
"There isn't any stash, Grandpere. We were having a hard time of it, too. I once poled out to your shack to see if I could get you to help us get by, but you were collapsed on your galerie," I told him.
He shook his head, his eyes wild.
"Maybe she never told you. She was like that . . . secretive even with her own. There's a stash here somewhere," he declared, shifting his eyes from side to side. "It might take me a while, but I'll find it. If it's not in the house, it's buried somewhere outside, huh? Did you ever see or hear her diggin' out there?"
"There's no stash, Grandpere. You're wasting your time."
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him about my art money, but it was also as if Grandmere Catherine were still there, standing right beside me, forbidding me to mention a word about it. In case he decided to look in her chest for valuables, I made a note to myself to move the money under my mattress.
"Are you hungry?" I asked him.
"No," he said quickly. "I'm going out back before it gets too dark and look some more," he said.
After he left, I put back all the pots and pans and then I warmed some food for myself. I ate mechanically, barely tasting anything. I ate just because I knew I had to in order to keep up my strength. Then, I went back upstairs. I could hear Grandpere's frantic digging in the backyard, his digging and his cursing. I heard him ripping through the smokehouse and even banging around in the outhouse. Finally, he grew exhausted with the searching and came back inside. I heard him get himself something to eat and drink. His frustration was so great, he moaned like a calf that had lost its mother. Soon, he was talking to ghosts.
"Where'd you put the money, Catherine? I got to have the money to take care of our granddaughter, don't I? Where is it?"
Finally, he grew quiet. I tiptoed out and looked over the railing to see him collapsed at the kitchen table, his head on his arms. I returned to my room and I sat by my window and gazed up at the horned moon half hidden by dark clouds and I thought, this is the same moon that rode high over New Orleans, and I tried to imagine my future. Would I be rich and famous and live in a big house some day like Grandmere Catherine predicted?
Or was all that just a dream, too? Just another web, dazzling in the moonlight, a mirage, an illusion of jewels woven in the darkness, waiting, full of promises that were as empty and as light as the web itself?
There was no period in my life when I thought time passed more slowly than it did during the days following Grandmere Catherine's funeral and burial. Every time I looked
at the old--and tarnished brass clock set in its cherry wood case on the windowsill in the loom room and saw that instead of an hour only ten minutes had passed, I was surprised and
disappointed. I tried to fill my every moment, keep my hands and my mind busy so I wouldn't think and remember and mourn, but no matter how much work I did and how hard I worked, there was always time to remember.
One memory that returned with the persistence of a housefly was my recollection of the promise I had made to Grandmere Catherine should anything bad happen to her. She had reminded me of it the day she had died and she had forced me to repeat my vow. I had promised not to stay here, not to live with Grandpere Jack. Grandmere Catherine wanted me to go to New Orleans and find my real father and my sister, but the very thought of leaving the bayou and getting on a bus to go to a city that loomed as far away and as strange to me as a distant planet was terrifying. I was positive I would stand out as clearly as a crawfish in a pot of duck gumbo. Everyone in New Orleans would take one look at me and say to himself, "There's an ignorant Cajun girl traveling on her own." They would laugh at me and mock me for sure.
I had never traveled very far, especially on my own, but it wasn't the fear of the journey, nor even the size of the city and the unfamiliarity with city life that frightened me the most. No, what was even more terrifying was imagining what my real father would do and say as soon as I presented myself. How would he react? What would I do if he shut the door in my face? After having deserted Grandpere Jack and then, after having been rejected by my father, where would I go?
I had read enough about the evils of city life to know about the horrors that went on in the slums, and the terrible fates young girls such as myself suffered. Would I become one of those women I had heard about, women who were taken into bordellos to provide men with sexual pleasures? What other sort of work would I be able to get? Who would hire a young Cajun girl with a limited education and only simple handicraft skills? I envisioned myself ending up sleeping in some gutter, surrounded by other downcast and downtrodden people.
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