A woman walks down the aisle, and I tense. The last time I saw her was at the gala. Only it’s not Madeline. It’s Joyelle Kristy, the actress who was interested in Twelfth Night. She joins the crew, and I tell myself not to be jealous because this is his job, and he will work with many beautiful people over the years, just like my job is sometimes to kiss men on stage and I did that tonight.
But she smiles at him, and it’s so unlike the way Madeline looked at him. Madeline was all distance, but Joyelle has this happy, buoyant vibe around her that I can’t quite put my finger on. Then, it hits me. She looks like me when I first learned I was cast. Like me, she’s throwing her arms around Davis, gripping him in a huge hug, and he responds by hugging her back and smiling.
I step back, nearly stumbling. That’s how he treated me outside Sardi’s. He’s interacting the exact same way, and seeing the two of them unleashes a new feeling in me, a foreign feeling. Something I haven’t felt before because I haven’t loved like this.
The fear of us unraveling.
He sees me in the corner of the theater, untangles himself from Joyelle, and gestures to them that he’ll be right back.
“You were breathtaking,” he says when he reaches me.
“Thank you. What’s going on?”
“The Twelfth Night producers are here.”
I nod a few times, trying to prepare myself for what I know is coming. Him leaving. “So you’re taking the job in London?”
“Yeah, I am. But you knew I was leaning toward it.”
“And Joyelle? Is she Viola?” I ask, my body flooding with worry that this most wonderful thing could fall apart when a new leading lady walks onto his stage.
“Hey,” he says running his thumb along my jawline. “She’s just happy she was cast.”
“Right,” I say with a nod. Just happy she was cast. Like I was, and I can see it all unfolding again. He’ll be in London, away from me and working with her. She’ll have late nights with him. She’ll have private rehearsals with him.
“I better let you finish your meeting,” I say, as my heart starts to race at a frantic pace, like it’s trying to escape from my chest.
“I’ll see you at Zane’s.”
“Yeah,” I reply, but I feel completely unmoored as he walks away and rejoins the people he’ll be working with next as he moves on from me.
All along, I thought I’d be the one to hurt someone. I’d avoided relationships for that reason. But Davis has my heart, I’ve given him my most valuable possession, and now he can hurt me too.
I grab my coat and leave the theater, the heavy stage door clanging shut behind me. I button my coat, and head out to Forty-Fourth Street, and am shocked when there are audience members waiting for me, asking me to sign their Playbills. It’s thrilling, and I sign several and pose for a few photos too, but when I leave I am awash in stupid worry.
That doubt escalates as I flash back to all the days and nights we spent together. To all the things he said. To how he plays actors like instruments to get the performance he wants. From Patrick to Alexis to me, he knows all the right notes to hit, and he plucks them perfectly, creating the masterpiece he wants from the tools we give him. Ourselves.
I lean against the wall of a nearby apartment building and wrap my arms around myself, as if that can somehow protect me from all these images smashing into my brain and pricking at my heart. I can see him and Joyelle in London, alone in the theater after hours, rehearsing, running lines, digging deep for emotion, connection, passion. I know far too well how easy it is to get swept up. It happened to me. It happened to him.
It happened as he turned me into Ava. All along I never saw that my relationship with him mirrored Paolo’s and Ava’s. But he broke me down to get the best performance from me, as Paolo does to Ava.
I start walking again, but I’m wrung dry and worn out, and as I enter Zane’s I want so desperately to recapture the way I felt many minutes ago on stage, as well as the way I felt all the days before. But it’s hard to grasp onto what’s real because now I’m sick with worry that the one real thing could slip from my fingers. That he could be far away from me and forget all that we shared.
Inside Zane’s, I do what I’ve always done. What I’m used to. I shuck off the past. I ignore all the things that hurt, that don’t make sense, that I don’t know how to deal with, as I grab a beer and join Shelby and the others in round after round of endless opening night toasts. As the minutes turn into an hour and he still doesn’t arrive, my heart is a brick inside my chest, and I wish I could rip it out, and replace it with a mechanical one, because I think I’d be better off that way.
Better off like I used to be.
Then, like I’ve been slapped stupid, I pick myself up. Because I wasn’t better off. I was acting all the time. I was living a life of pretend. But then he came around, and with him there was never any faking, there was never any make-believe.
I rewind to the night in my bedroom when he listened to me, and he helped me, and he saw me through.
I flash back to the direction he gave me at our first private rehearsal: “But then she transforms. Love changes her. Love without bounds. Love without reason. She becomes his, and that changes her.”
How I loved the sentiment, how I felt it ring true in every cell in my body, how I longed for it to take shape in my life. I can picture the next scene, I can hear the music swelling, the orchestra growing louder, because this is the moment in the show when the heroine has to face all her fears.
For better or for worse, I need to know.
I grab my coat, my purse, and leave Zane’s. I won’t sit here and mope, and I definitely won’t walk away from this man without trying to protect what’s mine with every ounce of my heart and soul.
37
Davis
The meeting is taking forever, and I’m antsy and eager to leave. But Clay has made it clear that the producers—Tamara and Carter Shey—like a casual, family atmosphere. They want a director to be involved, to chitchat, to engage in long, deep discussions about Shakespeare. So I hold my own, sharing some of my vision for Twelfth Night, and how I want to bring a new take to one of the Bard’s most popular plays.
Joyelle is enrapt in my ideas, and at one point, she even bats her eyes and casts me a huge beaming grin that seems a bit too adoring at this point. Or really, at any point.
I look at my watch, and they realize it’s nearing midnight.
“I’m so sorry we’ve kept you so long, but we’re thrilled to have you onboard,” Tamara says, and shakes my hand.
“There’s one thing I’m going to need though to make this final,” I say, then nod to Clay. “He’ll let you know what it is because I need to go.”
I clap Clay on the back and leave it up to him to work out the most important detail of my contract. “You know what I need,” I say as I pull him aside for a brief chat.
“Always do. I’ll keep you posted.”
“You’re heading to San Francisco on the red-eye, right?”
“That’s the plan. I’ve already been instructed by Jill’s soon-to-be sister-in-law that I need to meet her sister Julia, who’s a bartender there.”
I raise an eyebrow. “Then be on your way and meet the bartender. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
Clay laughs. “Doesn’t limit me much, does it?”
I shake my head, say goodbye to the others, grab my jacket, and head down the alley. If I know Jill, she’s already starting to worry. I’ll have to work on that with her, to reassure her that things don’t always unravel. That things can keep getting better.
But I don’t have to go to Zane’s, because she’s walking toward me, marching right up to me. She has the most determined take-no-prisoners look on her face, and her blue eyes are fixed on me. She stops inches from me, reaches for the neck of my shirt, grabbing the fabric. It’s not an angry gesture, but a pleading one, matched by her voice when she speaks. “Please tell me you’re not going to fall for Joyelle,” she says.
“Tell me,” she says again, insisting.
“I’m not. That’s not even remotely possible.”
“Tell me why,” she demands.
“Because of you,” I say simply. The answer is patently clear to me.
“I need to know you’re not going to fall for her. I need to know that if you work late with her, help her become a better Viola, you’re only going to think of me,” she says, and I can’t help but grin.
She points at me, accusingly. “Why are you smiling?”
“Because I love your jealous, possessive side. It’s completely endearing.”
She narrows her eyes at me. “You haven’t answered the question. Are you going to fall for your Viola?”
I shake my head and curve a hand around her neck. “It’s impossible.”
She leans into me, and her voice softens. “Tell me, Davis. Tell me why it’s impossible.”
I cup her cheek in my hand and look her in the eyes. “Because she might play Viola, but you are my Viola. You are my Ava. You are my Eponine. You are every part ever written, but most of all, you’re my Jill, and you’re the only woman I want,” I tell her, and she closes her eyes briefly and sways toward me. But I’m not done. I have more to say. “I will work with other women and you will be on stage or screen and kiss other men, and we will come back to each other because nobody else can come between us.”
Then she melts into me, pressing her body against mine on the streets of Manhattan, outside the St. James Theater, where I first told her on that cold evening that she was in my show. “Do you want to know why I took so long in there? What was so important to me that it kept me away from you on a night like this?”
“What?”
“I told them I would only do Twelfth Night if it was worked into my contract that I could come back once a week during rehearsals.”
Her eyes widen and sparkle, as if she’s filling with happiness. I love that she responds this way. “Really?”
I nod. “Yes. Really,” I emphasize. “I want to see you. I want to have a future with you. I’m not going to jet off without a way to see you as much as I can.”
She shakes her head, as if she’s berating herself. “I’m an idiot for doubting you.”
“No, you’re human. But you’ve got to realize that even though I might be in London for two months, I’m not going anywhere.”
“I love you,” she says fiercely, grabbing my shirt again, and fisting the fabric. “I fucking love you so much it hurts. But it’s a good hurt, because it makes me feel like I’m alive, and it’s not pretend and it’s not fake, and I want to keep loving you and trying not to hurt you, but sometimes doing it anyway, and then forgiving, and I want that with you. Only you.”
“Good. Now, why don’t we skip Zane’s, because I think there are other things we should be doing right now.”
“What could you possibly have in mind?” she asks playfully as she takes my hand and I hail a taxi.
“Come back to my place and find out,” I say, then open the door and let her in first.
And I show her everything I have in mind all night long.
Later, after a few fantastic rounds in the bedroom, she wraps her arms around my waist in a tight embrace. “Davis, I love you so much. I can’t imagine being without you either,” she whispers, and I might be the happiest man alive right now.
“Good,” I tell her. “Because you won’t be.”
After a quick bathroom break, I return to the kitchen, and she’s made herself at home, perched on a black leather barstool at the counter. She’s still wearing her sweater, but nothing on the bottom.
“That’s a good look for you,” I say. “It’ll be even better if you take the top off.”
“Consider it done,” she says, and pulls off her sweater and bra, and crosses her legs. She looks so unbelievably sexy, all naked and blonde and just-been-fucked, sitting on my barstool, in my kitchen, in my home.
“I have something for you. For us,” I say, then open the stainless-steel fridge and remove a bottle of champagne. “To celebrate your first Broadway show. Your first ever performance on the Great White Way.”
I pop open the bottle, pour two glasses, and sit down next to her. I hold up a glass to toast. “To many, many more.”
“To many more,” she repeats, then takes a sip.
I tip my forehead to the stool. “You look good on that stool. You look good in my home. You should make it yours.”
She gives me a curious look, as a grin plays on her lips. “Are you asking me to move in?”
I shrug a shoulder playfully. “You said your roommate’s moving out soon. I figured why not.”
“So I should move in since it’s hard to find a place in New York?” she jokes.
“That. And because it makes it easier to fuck you, and make love to you, and kiss you, and hold you, and touch you, and be with you,” I say, then I pause, taking a beat, so she knows I mean this from the heart. “And because I love you.”
She hops off the stool, wraps her arms around me and kisses me wildly, so I take that as a yes.
Epilogue
Davis
Four Months Later
In the morning, I go for a run with Ryder. I’ve got energy to spare today, so we hit the path at dawn.
“Today’s the day?” he asks as we pick up the pace.
“It is.”
He whistles in appreciation. “Fucking awesome.”
“I think so too.” I glance over at him. “What about you? Have you still solemnly sworn off love?”
“Love kicked me in the balls once. No need for me to let it happen twice.”
“There’s really no one you’d even consider dating seriously again? I thought you mentioned a woman at work you had your baby blues on?”
He turns away for a second.
“Ah, so there is someone.”
He huffs. “Of course not.”
“Liar. Fucking liar.”
“She’s gorgeous and brilliant and plays a mean game of ping pong,” he admits grudgingly.
“Do I get to tell you to be careful now? Or to have some fucking fun?”
He laughs as the sun rises. “That’s the question now, isn’t it?”
Jill
“You are the most beautiful bride I’ve ever seen,” I say as I hand Kat a tulip bouquet, all in purple, her favorite color.
She whispers a thanks and takes a breath as if she’s prepping herself for this momentous step.
“You’re not nervous, are you?”
“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”
“Good,” I say with a smile.
The string quartet begins Pachelbel’s Canon, and that’s my cue as the maid of honor to walk down the aisle, a white runner spread out across the lawn at Le Belle Vie, an inn in Mystic, Connecticut, where Kat grew up. It is June, and she and Bryan are getting married outside under the warm afternoon sun on a beautiful blue-sky Saturday, the ocean waves lapping the nearby shore.
When I reach the steps of the gazebo, I take my spot across from the groom and his best man. Bryan looks so handsome in his tux, and so happy as the wedding march begins and Kat walks down the aisle. He only has eyes for her, and she for him, as it should be.
She’s radiant, with her hair pinned up in a gorgeous twist, in the perfect dress she found at the bridal shop in the West Village. She reaches the gazebo and stands across from Bryan, and the two of them are so ridiculously happy. I catch a glimpse of Davis in the third row, looking as classy as ever in a button-down shirt and tie that I want to unknot later.
For now, I keep my eyes on the bride and groom as the justice of the peace begins the proceedings.
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate one of the greatest joys in life and witness the union of Bryan Leighton and Kat Harper in marriage, which is an institution ordained by the state and made honorable by the faithful ke
eping of good men and women,” he says. “Marriage is founded upon sincerity, trust, and mutual love.” Then he pauses, as if preparing for a quip. “As well as a mutual love of movies, coffee drinks, and Paris.”
I beam, and so does Kat. We know it’s true because that’s how Kat and Bryan fell in love again.
“Kat and Bryan have a strong and solid foundation. They support each other, they care for each other and, as I understand it, Bryan is quite good at making her laugh.”
Now it’s Bryan’s turn to smile proudly. He won Kat back into his heart in many ways, but especially because he always made her laugh.
Then the justice of the peace grows more serious. “They are each other’s true and forever loves, and today they take that pledge before God, family, and friends.” He turns to Bryan. “Do you, Bryan, take Kat to be your lawful wedded wife?”
“I do.”
“Will you love, respect, and honor her in all your years together?”
“I will.”
Then he turns to Kat.
“Do you, Kat, take Bryan to be your lawful wedded husband?”
“I do,” she says.
“Will you love, respect, and honor him in all your years together?”
“I will.”
After they exchange rings, the justice of the peace says the words we’ve all come to hear. “By the power vested in me by the state of Connecticut, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.”
Bryan steps forward and kisses his new wife, as a tear of happiness slides down my cheek, and I sneak a look at the beautiful man in the third row, who’s already looking at me.
Later, the bride and groom dance as dusk falls, the rest of us joining them on the dance floor in that kind of hazy, lingering after-the-cake-has-been eaten way as the wedding party winds down.
The Private Rehearsal (Caught Up In Love: The Swoony New Reboot of the Contemporary Romance Series Book 4) Page 23