I follow her lead and tilt my head up, and we both watch the sky for a moment.
“Months before the overdose—years even—our marriage was a mess. She somehow hit rock bottom and never resurfaced. I tried to get her help, forced her into rehab on more than one occasion, the best money could buy, but after a few weeks of being clean, she’d be back on heroin and partying the night away. After that, I realized I couldn’t help someone who didn’t want to be helped. It was futile. They could only get better if they wanted to get better, and it was clear that she didn’t. Somewhere along the line, she changed. We’d planned a life together, and she had been my best friend since foster care. I’d married her because I loved her, because I couldn’t imagine spending my life with anyone but her. She was it for me, my forever, and for a while, I was hers—until heroin came along, and then it was like, ‘Chase who?’
“I tried with her. I wasn’t giving up on her without a fight, but eventually, that fight died. She loved the party life more than she loved me, she loved heroin more than me, and there was just no competing with that. She wasn’t an addict because she got lost along the way. She was an addict because she liked the high and the glitz and glam of that lifestyle. As soon as I realized that, I decided I could no longer relive my childhood with yet another junkie, and that was when I called the lawyers to issue divorce proceedings. I couldn’t continue to watch her life spiral out of control, killing herself by the minute. I still loved her, and I always will, but with the drugs, the partying, and the infidelity, it was too much. I wasn’t going to be that husband whose wife cheated on him. Plus, we hadn’t been happy in a long time. She might have legally still been my wife, and I paid for the roof over her head and the clothes on her back, but it wasn’t a marriage anymore. I knew I deserved better, and most importantly, I wanted better.
“The night I found her naked, convulsing and foaming at the mouth, while some naked twenty-one-year-old kid was freaking the fuck out because his party buddy wasn’t breathing anymore, I was actually coming home to hand her the divorce papers before heading out to celebrate my retirement and Stanley Cup win. Instead, I spent my celebratory night in the hospital, wondering if my wife would live or die. In some ways, I wish she’d just died that night, and I feel horrible for thinking it—hell, for even saying it—but at least then she’d be at peace, not in this weird purgatory place where she’s physically here but not awake. Then again, if I’m wishing for stuff, I wish I could go back in time before I got signed. Then, none of this would have happened. It’s all my fault.”
I turn my head and see Kaelyn’s eyes are boring straight into mine.
“How is it your fault?” Kaelyn asks, moving closer to me.
“I introduced her to this life; my being in the NHL is really why she’s here. If I hadn’t gone pro, then she never would have fallen in love with this lifestyle, she never would have found heroin, and maybe I’d still have the girl I married when I was nineteen years old—the sweet, intelligent, beautiful girl who loved with her entire heart instead of the girl who threw away her life because of fame, because of drugs. I’m the reason for that fame. I’m the reason she’s here, alive but not living. I’m the reason she’ll never meet her child. It’s all my fault.”
I slam my eyes shut as moisture threatens to leak from them. So far, I haven’t shed a single tear, and I don’t plan on doing so anytime soon. I’ve got too much to handle right now, and breaking down isn’t an option. My eyes blink open at the feel of a soft hand landing on mine, and I glance down to see Kaelyn’s hand enveloping mine.
“You really believe that? Chase, no. It’s not your fault. Your wife was a grown woman. She knew the risks of taking heroin, yet she took it anyway. She took it, knowing that there was a possibility that, one day, it could kill her, and now, she’s paying the ultimate price.”
I shake my head, biting down on my bottom lip to try to stop it from trembling.
“Did you physically make her take heroin? Did you hold the needle to her arm and inject her with it?”
“Kaelyn,” I protest, unable to handle her questions.
But she ignores me. “No, answer me. Did you force her to take drugs?”
I shake my head, and she pins her gaze on mine, staring at me, so deep within me that it feels as if she were inside me, to the core of my every essence.
“Then, it isn’t your fault. She might have always been destined to self-destruct like this, whether you made it to the NHL or you were coaching some small-time hockey team. Just because you make a lot of money and became an overnight celebrity because you could hit a puck with a stick doesn’t mean anything. If a person wants to take drugs, regardless if they’re rich or poor, they will always find a way. Just because she became an addict after you made it to the NHL doesn’t mean shit, it’s just circumstantial. She went to those parties; she made the decision to take drugs, not you. Yes, being an NHL player, no doubt, invites a lot of strangers into your bed, opens the doors to the rich and famous, but from the short time I’ve known you, I know you never fell into the trap of that lifestyle, that you were only famous because of the sport you played, not because of the crowd you hung around with. It’s why I like you so much; you’re not some cocky asshole who let fame get to your head. You never let the celebrity life change you, not like some other celebs. You can’t put that blame of your wife’s decisions on yourself. You can’t blame yourself for the choices she made when you didn’t surround yourself with that life.”
Kaelyn’s words speak to me intensely, and deep down, I know she’s right, but it still doesn’t stop the guilt from bearing down on my chest, that I’m the one to blame for the downward spiral of Olivia’s life. I was supposed to protect her from harm, and I didn’t. And other than shackling her to a bed before I left the house for weeks at a time while on the road, there was no way I could have kept tabs on her. Quite frankly, I shouldn’t have had to, and most importantly, I wouldn’t have wanted to. That’s not how a relationship works.
“I don’t even remember when it changed, you know. I can’t remember the moment when she became the privileged party girl and no longer my wife who made me banana-and-strawberry pancakes on Sunday mornings, who made my favorite dinner when I won a game, who covered me with a blanket when I fell asleep on the sofa after a movie marathon so that I wouldn’t get cold. I don’t know where that woman went. One day, she was my loving wife who had promised me forever, and then the next…not so much.”
Kaelyn tightens her hand around mine, her petite thumb rubbing circles along the skin, and that small touch makes me feel things I haven’t felt in so long. It feels wrong to feel like this, especially in the place where my wife resides…but at the same time, just having Kaelyn here, with her fingers laced around mine, makes the wrongs feel right again.
“I’m so sorry, Chase. You don’t deserve any of this. I can’t even imagine what you must be going through. Am I the only person you’ve told?”
“Yes. Well, you and my lawyers.”
“How have you managed to keep this out of the tabloids? A recently retired pro hockey player’s wife who OD’s and is in a vegetative coma is bound to make front page news.”
I let out a sigh. “With a lot of money and having her placed in the best facility in the state. I mean, it’s not that I’ve been keeping it a secret; it’s just that the last thing I need is the press hounding me. I’ve somehow managed to cope up to now, but if I had to answer to them, I’d be having a mental breakdown. I’ve always kept my life private, and I’m not going to let the vultures in now. Olivia deserves her privacy even if she has no idea what’s happening.”
Kaelyn lets out an unsteady breath, and I can tell she’s struggling with everything I’ve told her.
“My mind’s just going crazy with questions right now. I can’t wrap my head around the hell you’ve been going through,” she tells me.
I smile encouragingly. “It’s okay. Ask them.”
She turns into me fully, eyes on mine. “What are yo
ur plans for when the baby is born? Do you know who the father is?”
“I’ve no idea who it is. During the few months before Olivia’s overdose, she was so out of control, I doubt even she’d know who the father was. I’m glad I don’t know who it is because he’s probably some piece-of-shit scum whose future only goes as far as when his next hit will be, and I’d hate for any kid to have the same childhood I did. And I sure as hell won’t let this kid go down that same route.”
“So, you’re planning on raising the baby as your own then?”
“It’s a question I’ve been battling with ever since learning of Olivia’s prognosis. I can finally get everything I have ever wanted and bring this baby up…or give the baby up for adoption. But, with the childhood I had, how can I give up an innocent baby? I have the money, security, and the means to give this kid the best life possible. It doesn’t matter if she isn’t my blood; I will love her like my own. If I have to go through adoption or whatever, I will. I’ll do whatever it takes. This little girl has already survived so much, and she isn’t even here yet. She’s a fighter, and she shouldn’t have to be. So, when she finally arrives in a few months, I will be the one to fight for her because it’s what a good dad does. I will fight for her because, if I didn’t, I’d just be like the parents of every one of my hockey kids, and I won’t ever be like them. I will never abandon them.”
“It’s a she?” Kaelyn asks, smiling.
“Yeah,” I reply, grinning from ear to ear.
“Wow, you’re just amazing. So selfless. So incredible. If I were to create a brand-new superhero, it’d be you. Superman hasn’t got anything on you.”
I let out a breathless laugh. I inch closer to Kaelyn and squeeze her hand tighter into mine. “I like Superman. Out of all the superheroes, he’s the best. So, how much do you want to run for the hills?” I ask a second later.
“If I’m being honest, earlier, when I had no idea what was going on, I wanted to run, but now that you’ve opened up to me, not so much.”
“I’d understand if you did. I was being honest when I said I didn’t want to drag you into my mess, and honestly, I can’t offer you anything, not while my wife still lives and breathes within the confinements of this place. When I vowed her in sickness and in health, I meant every word regardless of the fact that I wanted a divorce before the overdose. I remember how she was before the drugs, before she changed into a person I could no longer recognize. I remember Olivia who was my first kiss, Olivia who was my best friend, Olivia who saved me from myself, Olivia who I fell in love with, Olivia who promised me forever. That Olivia is the girl I still love and will always love, and I will be here for her until her last breath.”
Kaelyn’s eyes glisten, and for a moment, she looks awed with me, as if I just ruined all men for her just by being a good husband. She seems a little lost for words, and my heart begins to race a little harder, a little faster with the way she’s penetrating me with her stare, like maybe I really am a superhero. It’s a gaze that certainly makes me feel invincible.
“I think I just fell a little bit in love with you,” she finally whispers, and I let out another breathless laugh. “I don’t know of any other man on this planet who would be as selfless as you. You’re so perfect that it hurts, Chase. I’m also a little jealous of her. I’ve never had that kind of love, never had a guy love me the way you love Olivia.”
“I wish I could be that guy. In another lifetime, I’d be that guy in a heartbeat. Right now though, the only thing I can give you is friendship, and honestly, I’ve never needed a friend as much as I need one now. But, like I said, if you want to walk away, then I won’t hold it against you. All I ask is that you keep what I’ve told you between us.”
She smiles. “I promise I won’t tell a soul. You can trust me. And if a friend is what you need, then a friend is what you’ll have. I’m not going anywhere. I just…I wish there was something I could do for you.”
Allowing myself a moment of pure weakness, I envelop her in my arms and bring her into a hug. She follows willingly, and suddenly, I’m engulfed in her citrus aroma; it’s the sweetest smell. Closing my eyes, I inhale deeply, filling her deep within my lungs, her touch and warmth lulling me into a kind of calm I haven’t felt in such a long time.
“You’re doing it just by being here,” I say into her hair.
We hug longer than friends usually do, way longer, but it’s been so long since I’ve felt this relaxed that I honestly don’t care.
Her presence soothes me in a way that I’ve never felt, and I just want to latch on to that for as long as possible. In a few moments, reality will slip back in. Then, months’ worth of anxiety will return, and I’ll go back to waiting for the inevitable, for my wife to die.
Reluctantly, I do pull away even though it pains me to do so. The reality of life as I know it surrounds me left and right. “I should probably get you back.”
She does a quick glance of her watch. “I have a bit of time. Let’s stay out here for a little while. It’s a really beautiful morning.”
She sits back against the bench, and with her head leaning against my shoulder, the calm I was feeling just a few moments ago returns. We simply sit in quiet as we watch the sky turn a clear blue without a single cloud in sight.
It’s as if she knew that all I want right now, especially after opening such a painful and bloody wound, is serenity—at least for a little while—and her being here with me in the moment is more than she can ever do for me.
Good and Pregnant
Kaelyn
It’s just after nine when we pull up in front of my apartment. This morning was a lot to take in, and I’m still in a little shock. It’s hard to comprehend how much his life has changed and how much it will continue to change even more when the baby comes. To father a baby is one of the biggest things a man can do, but to father a baby his wife is carrying and knowing he isn’t the biological father is something else. He’s unlike anyone I’ve ever met. He’s selfless beyond recognition, and other than my best friend, he’s one of the strongest people I know.
“Are you okay? You haven’t said a word since we got back in the car.”
Chase’s voice breaks me out of my internal spell, and I turn to him, blinking.
“Sorry, yeah, I’m fine. I’m just trying to take it all in.”
Chase winces a little, looking apologetic. “I’m sorry again for ambushing you like that.”
I shake my head, setting my hand on his arm. “It’s okay. I’m just happy you let me in, that you trusted me enough to tell me about Olivia. It means a lot.”
His gaze flickers to my hand, and his eyes seem to soften with warmth. “I’ve still got so much to tackle, but I feel a little lighter, having finally told someone.”
“Well, I’m glad that someone was me. I know nothing can happen between us, but I wasn’t lying when I said I wasn’t going anywhere. I’m here for you. Whether that be to talk, let some steam off, or grab a drink, I’m here. I’m good at a lot of things, and being a friend is at the top of that list. Hell, I can be one of the guys if you want. One of the good things about having four brothers is that I can think like a guy, and I can be the best friend a guy can have.”
He lets out a breathless laugh. “Thank you. Without sounding like a complete pussy here, you’re the only good thing about my life right now. You make me laugh; you make me forget—at least for a little while.”
I chuckle. “You don’t sound like a pussy,” I comment. “I would tell you if you did.”
“See, it’s why I like you so much. I know you would never lie to me.”
“It’s what makes me the perfect friend.” I smile. “I should probably get a move on if I want to make my class at ten,” I say as I reluctantly remove my hand from his arm and finally unclip my seat belt.
“Yeah, sure. I’ve kept you long enough. Can I have your phone first?” he asks.
I squint with confusion for a moment before I remember that we’ve never exchanged numbers.
“If you don’t want me appearing at your door at the ass-crack of dawn again, then I’m gonna need your number.”
I giggle while taking my phone from my front pocket of my hoodie. The phone lights up as I lift it, noticing a missed call from Jo. I dismiss that as I unlock the screen with my thumb and then hand it to him. I’ll call her back when I’m on my way to the studio.
I watch as he inputs his number in my Contacts before sending himself a quick text message. He hands me my phone back.
“Now, when I need you in an emergency, I can just call you.”
“Or FaceTime me. Although not before nine a.m. As you saw earlier, I’m kind of crabby before the sun comes up.”
He smirks. “Yeah, I gathered that.”
I shrug, smiling playfully. “The coffee and croissant helped.”
I open my door, but before I step out, I lean forward and press a kiss to his cheek, inhaling his incredible smell for a long second, the sheer scent doing crazy things to my heart. I have a feeling this friends thing might be difficult, might even break me a little, especially with how my body reacts from just being in close proximity to him and how he makes me feel. But, after he finally let me in and opened up to me, there’s no way I’m going to walk away from him now. So, if a friend is all he wants right now, then I’ll be there for him.
I pull away. “I’ll see you, Superman.”
I smile as I get out of the car, shutting the door behind me. I give a little wave and then jog up the stairs to my house to quickly get ready for my class and make it across town in forty-five minutes.
After getting ready in a quarter of the time than usual, I’m finally in my car and on my way to my first class of the day. As I’m met with bumper-to-bumper traffic, I dial Jo’s number, and my phone immediately connects to the car Bluetooth.
She answers after a few rings, “Hi.”
My Forever (Our Forever Book 3) Page 13