by Bush, Holly
“I have a few more things to say to you, too, Jake Shelling.”
“Go on. Say your peace then. Get it out,” Jake shouted.
“Oh, I intend to. I intend to, by God,” Flossie said and slapped a spoon down on the table. “You’re not always right. And you don’t have the right to judge.”
Jake stood and leaned over the kitchen table. “She left me, Flossie. First she gave up her own child to the same people that made her miserable all her life. Then she comes out here to hide from her shame. Marries me and then leaves faster than a jackrabbit.”
“Do you think she wanted to leave her child, Jake? I know now why she cried every time she held Joshua,” Gloria said. “She doesn’t know any better. It’s how she was raised.”
“What do you mean how she was raised?” Jake asked.
“Julia’s been held down by her mother all her life. Made to feel as though she was the ugly child, the fat child. You should have heard how she talked about herself to Gloria and me when she first came here. Said her sisters were the pretty ones and that was why she wasn’t married. You got eyes in your head, Jake. Julia’s beautiful. What kind of ridicule did that girl carry to make her see herself that way? Then the first man that pays attention to her gets her pregnant.” Flossie threw her hands in the air. “And the mother marries the man off to the virgin sister while Julia stands beside her.”
“I can’t imagine how horrible that was for her. At seventeen yet,” Gloria added.
“Julia told me all that the night we got married. She seemed fine about it after she told me. Her parents visit upset her, that’s for sure, but what’s that got to do with all this?” Jake asked.
“Women don’t think the same as men, Jake. We put more stock in what we look like than we probably should, but we do it anyway,” Gloria said and plopped her head in her hand. “Look at me. Josh’s three months old, and I’m still big as a barn. Will thinks I’m a big fat cow.”
“Will doesn’t think you’re a big fat cow, Gloria. What a stupid thing to say,” Jake said.
“I’ve lived with this scar on my face for ten years, Jake. Most times I don’t even think about it anymore. Harry, well, Harry says he would never change one thing about me,” Flossie said. “But when Julia’s mother stared at me that day in the foyer, I felt like the first time you made me go into town after I got cut. Like everyone was staring. Like it was the only thing anybody could see.”
“And the only thing Julia could hang on to was loving you and having your babies. Being worthy of you,” Gloria said, tears on her lashes. “And you go and say what you said. Nothing could have hurt her worse.”
“What are you two talking about?” Jake asked slack jawed. His sisters, capable farmwomen that they were had themselves in a tizzy about carrying baby fat and what some old Boston bitch thought of them. He was shocked.
“You’re loyal and honest and would die for us, Jake. I know that. You’re also stubborn and bull-headed and think your way’s the only way,” Flossie said hands on her hips. “And I know you were angry and shocked when you found out Julia has a daughter but to say you hoped she wasn’t pregnant. That she wasn’t worthy to have the children of the man she loves. My God, Jake. Nothing you could have said could have hurt that girl more. Nothing.”
“She left her own flesh and blood there. Like she never had the girl,” Jake said. “I can’t imagine what would make a person do that. Things were hard in the beginning when Ma and Pa died. I would have never dreamed of leaving either of you.”
“We know you wouldn’t have, Jake,” Gloria said. “But maybe Julia thought so little of herself that she thought she was doing the right thing? She was seventeen, Jake. Did you ever think that she loved the girl so much she thought life with her parents was better for Jillian than life with her?”
“Jake, it’s hard for us to understand. I wouldn’t do it. Gloria wouldn’t do it. But by damn, it’s not for you to judge her,” Flossie said. “And she’s not Valerie Morton. Right now, Julia’s all alone in Boston, trying to set things right between her and her daughter.”
Jake slumped down in a chair. He had not thought about Julia back with her family. No one would defend her there. “What did she say in her letter?”
“Said she was going home to Boston and get her daughter. Said she’d never forget the time she spent in our family. She didn’t feel clumsy or stupid or ugly while she was here. But that she loved you more than anything besides Jillian, and she couldn’t bear to live looking at your face everyday, knowing you thought so little of her. Julia said it was high time she started being responsible for herself and her daughter. And that she would have never understood any of it if it hadn’t been for you. That she would be grateful to you to her dying day for forcing her to take a long hard look at her life.”
Jake took a shaky breath.
Gloria unfolded the letter. “I know what real love is now. I saw it in you and your sister’s face. And for a brief, wonderful time saw it in Jake’s. Tell him to get a divorce or whatever he wants to do.”
Jake stood slowly, feeling the weight of the passing years more heavily than ever before. He had some thinking to do. Some deciding to do. But there was one item not up for discussion or thought. “There’ll be no divorce, damn it.”
Flossie and Gloria eyed each other and then their brother.
“Well, right now Julia is facing that shrew of a mother of hers alone.”
* * *
Julia dressed carefully for her trip to Ramsey. She and Eustace had talked endlessly about her strategy during her stay. No matter how much encouragement her friend offered, Julia began to realize the fact that Jillian may want nothing to do with her. Her plans, ten years in the coming, may fall irrevocably apart. There may be no cozy home and shared lives with a daughter she adored. Was it selfish to want to be with her daughter? Raise her? Dream for her and about her? Julia decided it might not be selfish to want those things for herself. But if her daughter rejected her, as Turner and Jake had, would she have the strength to keep trying.
“Giving up’s the easy way, Miss Julia. Whatever happens, you can’t give up,” Eustace said to Julia the night before her trip to Ramsey.
“I’ve taken the easy way all my life, Eustace. I just realized that,” Julia said.
“No, no, Miss Julia. You did what you thought was right. What was right for that precious girl of yours.”
“I used to think so. Not anymore. I was always looking for someone’s approval. Someone that didn’t care what I looked like or what mistakes I’d made. I had that in Jake. He never took the easy way all his life. Didn’t care what people thought of him other than his family.” Julia stood and walked to the sink in Eustace’s kitchen to stare out the frosted window. “I’ve made my mistakes. I don’t have anyone to blame other than myself. But I can’t do the right thing now because of what Jake thinks. I’m alone in this, Eustace.”
“You’re not alone, child. I’m here. Your Aunt Mildred said you and the girl could come and stay for as long as you want or need. And a prayer or two probably wouldn’t hurt none either.”
Julia looked at the intricate pattern the ice made on the windowpane. “I’m terrified, Eustace.”
“Go ahead. Be scared. I would be, too. It’s all right to be scared, Miss Julia. But don’t let it stop you now. You’ve come too far to let that fear stop you.”
Julia turned. “I have come too far, Eustace. I can’t quit now, can I?”
Eustace shook her head and smiled. “You left and got married. Come back and got your money from the bank. You’re heading to see Miss Jillian tomorrow. One foot in front of the other is all you can do now, girl.”
Julia clung to those words of encouragement as she climbed down from the carriage at the steps of the Ramsey School for Young Ladies. The slow march to the door of the brick building felt to Julia as though she were being led to an executioner. A prim matron answered.
“May I help you?”
“I would like to speak with
Miss Abernathy if I may.”
The woman tilted her head. “I don’t believe the headmistress had any appointments for this morning.”
If Julia could not get past this woman there was little hope. “I don’t have an appointment. But I am a graduate of this school, and my sister attends currently. I was hoping to visit with her after chapel.” The woman made a quick decision after eying Julia’s most costly outfit.
“Come in and have a seat. I will see if Miss Abernathy can meet with you.”
Julia sat on the velvet settee near the door. Her palms were sweating and her hands shaking by the time Miss Abernathy appeared.
“Miss Crawford. What a surprise,” the tall thin woman said to Julia.
Julia had been terrified of the headmistress as a student. Her adherence to proper behavior made the Ramsey school sought after for their daughters by Boston’s first families. Her unsmiling, unbending ways terrified generation after generation of girls. Her belittlement of students she deemed unworthy, legendary. I am no longer a child, Julia said to herself. I’m an adult. The chant did not diminish the quiver in her voice.
“Good morning, Miss Abernathy. I was hoping to have a visit with Jillian this morning.” The woman’s lips disappeared in a smile.
“We do hate to disrupt the lives of our girls with unexpected visits. I’m sure you remember the rules, Miss Crawford. Your mother was here last week. She made an appointment.”
Julia swallowed and repeated the well-rehearsed lines. “I do beg your forgiveness on that count. But I’m only here in Boston for one day. I’m sure a few moments with a sister is well within school rules.” Julia smiled as pleasantly as possible. “Family first is the motto of Ramsey after all.”
Miss Abernathy’s brows raised and her lips pursed. “It is hardly necessary to remind me of our school motto. I have endeavored my entire life for the good of the school. As you well know.”
“My goodness, I meant no disrespect, Miss Abernathy. I would never dream of being so brash.” Julia dropped her eyes. “I have spent my life living the lessons I’ve learned here.” When Julia looked up, she saw the headmistress’ smile of victory.
“We hope that for all our graduates.” She tilted her head. “I suppose a few moments with your sister could do no harm.” Miss Abernathy turned and began to stride down the hall. When she and Julia came to the door of a room, she turned. “Perhaps you can enlighten your Jillian on the importance of those lessons. She is undisciplined and headstrong. Humility is a trait needed for our young woman as they enter the world of marriage.”
Julia was conversely elated to get through the gates of Abernathy and worried what censure Jillian had brought upon herself. And truly the moment of truth had come. She would face her daughter as a mother, momentarily. Miss Abernathy knocked briskly on the door.
“Miss Crawford. You have a visitor.”
Jillian smiled brilliantly when she saw Julia. Had it not been for Miss Abernathy, Jillian may have responded with more excitement. As it was, the girl cloaked her face in a mask and spoke softly.
“I am happy to see you, Julia.”
Julia touched Jillian’s chin and smiled. “I am so very happy to see you.” Julia looked at Miss Abernathy as she watched the exchange.
“One hour, Miss Crawford.” She turned to Jillian. “I certainly hope granting you this time will not interfere with your upcoming test.”
Jillian’s face hardened. “Thank you, Miss Abernathy. I will do my best.”
When the door of Jillian’s room closed behind them, Jillian threw herself into Julia’s arms. “Oh, Julia. I’ve missed you so much. I hate it here. Miss Abernathy is a witch. The other girls are mean. I hate it here.”
Julia hugged Jillian close to her and for so long, Jillian finally looked up at Julia with concern.
“Is everything all right, Julia? Are Mother and Father all right? Where is your husband?”
Tears misted Julia’s eyes. She kissed the top of Jillian’s head. “Everyone is fine, dear. Let’s sit down here on the bed.” Jillian eyed her curiously but sat down close and held Julia’s hand. “I have something to tell you, Jillian. Something very important. But first let me ask you something.”
Jillian jumped up. “I’m not going to that dreadful Elizabeth Bell’s party. Mother sent you, didn’t she? I won’t go.”
Julia shook her head. “This has nothing to do with Elizabeth Bell.” Julia cleared her throat and handed out the first scolding she’d ever given. Mild as it was. “Don’t call someone dreadful, Jillian.”
Jillian drew her hands to the waist of her white eyelet dress. “I tell you I won’t go. She’s nasty. She doesn’t like me, and she’s a bore. Just because her father and Daddy know each other means nothing to me.”
This was Julia’s first view of her daughter without a cloud of guilt. It was not a pretty picture. “Jillian, I know nothing about Elizabeth Bell or her party.” Julia swallowed and rubbed her sweating palms. “I’ve come to ask you if you’d like to leave Ramsey.”
Jillian’s eyes widened, and she nearly knocked Julia over with her hug. “Leave Ramsey? I would give anything, anything to leave this place. When shall we go?”
Jillian’s smile tore through Julia but her throat was dry and her stomach turned. “Remember I told you I had something to tell you?” Jillian nodded and scrambled down on all fours pulling a leather suitcase out from under the bed. “Jillian, sit here beside me. I need to talk to you.”
Jillian clasped her hands in front of her chest and her blond hair swung in sheets around her shoulders. Eyes skyward. “You don’t know how often I’ve dreamed of this moment.” Jillian looked at Julia. Her eyes widened and she smiled. “Mother will be furious, Julia.”
“Yes, I suppose she will. There should be no joy in making someone angry though, Jillian.”
Jillian’s head cocked. “You sound like Mother. Since you left, I’m the one taking the blame for everything. I can’t tell you how glad I am you are home. What did your husband say about you leaving?” Jillian yanked open drawers and began to throw stockings and undergarments in her now open bag. “He didn’t care much, did he?”
Was the sweet girl of Julia’s memory merely a figment of her imagination and longing? Or had Jillian always been this way, and Julia simply chose not to see it. She tried a tactic she’d seen Flossie employ. A stern look and voice seemed to settle Jake’s niece and nephew in no time. “Jillian. Sit down. We need to talk.”
Jillian sent her hairbrushes and toiletries into her suitcase in one wide sweep. “We can talk in the carriage, Julia.” Jillian straightened. “You did bring the family carriage, didn’t you? Nellie Mills goes home in this old thing Paul Revere must have rode in.”
“Jillian, please sit down!” Julia shouted. Jillian’s head snapped up and her eyes widened. “I didn’t mean to shout, but I need to talk to you about something very important.”
Jillian acquiesced as she sat down beside Julia. “What is it?”
Julia swallowed hard and picked up Jillian’s hand. She looked into her daughter’s eyes. “There is no easy way for me to tell you, Jillian.” Julia’s lip quivered. “Mother is not actually your mother.”
Jillian tilted her head. “What are you talking about, Julia. Of course she’s my mother.”
Julia shook her head and stared at the pale white delicate hand of her daughter. “No, Jillian. She’s not. I am.”
Jillian jumped from her place beside Julia. “That’s not true. Father calls me his little girl. They sent me here like my sisters. Like you.”
“Yes, they did. And don’t doubt they care for you very much. But you are their granddaughter.”
“That’s a lie.”
“I was very young, Jillian, when I had you. Mother,” Julia swayed as her mother’s voice revealing that long ago plan whirled in her head, “Mother decided it was best for everyone that you be raised as a daughter.”
Tears filled Jillian’s eyes. “Why are you doing this? Why are you saying these d
readful things?”
“Because it’s the truth.” Julia watched a mass mix of emotions play out on Jillian’s face.
“You were not married, Julia.” Jillian crumpled to the floor in a ball. “I’m a bastard, just like Mary Evans.” She looked up at Julia with disgust. “No one speaks to her. It’s only her father’s money that keeps her here.”
“Where did you hear such language? Young ladies don’t say words like that.”
“Don’t be a goose, Julia. The girls here talk. We have older sisters and brothers. You think we don’t know about things, but we do.”
Jillian’s tone was vengeful, derisive and filled with disgust. Julia had laden her daughter with a label she never expected the girl to understand. “We are not going to worry what the other girls say. We are leaving. You won’t have to worry about any of this.”
Jillian’s eyes widened. “Does Mother know you are telling me this?”
“We are not returning to Willow Tree. I thought we’d visit Aunt Mildred for a while.” Julia held her breath for Jillian’s reaction. “We will stay at Eustace’s tonight and then board . . .”
“Eustace’s! She’s colored!”
Julia stood up and glared at Jillian. “Eustace is my friend. She has been more of a friend to me than I can describe.”
“She’s a servant. I’ll not stay there,” Jillian said and crossed her arms over her chest.
Julia decided the time was not right for a confrontation. “Do you want to leave Ramsey?” Jillian’s lip trembled as she nodded. “Then you will stay at Eustace’s.”
“I’m going home to Mother,” Jillian spat. “She’ll not make me stay with a nigger servant.”
Julia’s hand slapped Jillian’s cheek before she could stop it. Mother and daughter stared at each other as Jillian’s hand touched her face. This was surely not the time to back down. She and Jillian would have time later to sort everything out. For now, Julia needed to get Jillian away before her parents knew. “Mother will return you here in an instant.”